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NEWSLETTER: "CUT OUT AND KEEP AMSTRAD CPC464 COMMEMORATIVE ISSUE"

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This Week:
* POKES AND PEEKS - Youtube infinity lives poke!
* IPHONE 4 - No tape drive shock!
* FACEBOOK - Exciting 'friend based' type-in!

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |   "We're going to make      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   lots of references to 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|  old computers... alone"

B3ta disk based fanzine 464 - 28 Jan 2011

Print this issue out on your DMP 2000, NLQ mode:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue464/

       LOAD "b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com"
CTRL SHIFT ESC: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK
  Cyber fags are go!

  New Year's Resolution to stop smoking? Give up,
  without giving up. Finally a real alternative to
  traditional cigarettes. JACVapour e-cigarettes.
  As used by real smokers. Use exclusive code:
  B3TA1 at checkout to receive 20% off starter
  kits.
http://www.jacvapour.com/
 

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then stick your acoustic couplers
  here, and "log on" to our M.U.D: 
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

  1 REM *****************************
  2 REM **** ALAN SUGAR EMULATOR ****
  3 REM *****************************
  10 input "Are you a twat? (y/n)",a$
  20 if a$="y" print "You're hired!": end
  30 if a$="n" print "You're fired!"

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Planes, Doctor Who, Mentos and Sticks

  >> Paper planes from space! <<
  "Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" yells Joel Veitch,
  for it is he. "We released a load of paper planes
  at an altitude of over 37,000 metres - which is
  loads higher than we thought we'd get, so christ
  alone knows how far they'll go. The video makes
  it look like we were vaguely competent and that
  it was quite quick, neither of which are true. It
  was difficult and fraught!"
http://www.b3ta.com/links/583555


  >> Doctor Hooey <<
  "Ever wondered what Dr Who would look like if,
  remade by a Turkish cable channel on a budget
  of £27?" inquires majoringram. In fact we were
  considering that very thing - thanks! FYI: He
  is now taking applications for Daleks in part 2.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Doctor_Hooey


  >> Mentos and Coca-Cola experiment <<
  "Quite dangerous, isn't it?" asks Black Moon, as
  he posts this documentary proof.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Mentos_and_Coca_Cola_experiment


  >> Sticks whodunnit <<
  "Here's a fresh Sticks," writes MyUlls.
  "Featuring an evil jar of tahini and a cunning
  marble. Obviously." See if you can guess the
  murderer before the big reveal.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nikAs9JUwTc


-------------------------------------------------
  
  The CPC464 was launched on the 21st June 1984,
  which makes it two days older than Welsh
  songstress Duffy. The CPC is better because it's
  not Welsh and woudn't reject our 3" floppy.

-----------------------------------------------------

: SOLVE YOUR HANGOVERS
  Sponsored linky

  Drinking is utterly awesome until the next
  morning and you wake up and feel like you've had
  brain surgery performed with a house brick.
  Solve this with a magic pill. Because these
  pills are magic.
http://www.b4sonline.com


-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  DIY Surgery

  "You KNOW something's SERIOUSLY wrong when you
  are naked, on your knees and wearing goggles
  with your cock in one hand and a miniature
  angle-grinder in the other." Go read this and
  his other tale of a DIY enema gone wrong:
http://b3ta.com/questions/diysurgery/

  * "Back in the 80s, my dad worked shifts as a
  textile worker, which required regular and
  respectful use of massive fuck-off machines of
  varying degrees of crushingness, choppingness
  and mangleability. My dad remained unscathed,
  but other more careless employees had lost a few
  bits and bobs here and there, ranging from a
  digit or two to, well, continued existence on
  the mortal plane. One of the lads on shift with
  my dad paid for a lapse of concentration with
  the loss of the tip of his middle finger, just
  below the nail. Painful, but a lucky escape in
  comparison to some. Some staunching, a visit to
  A+E, application of gauze and bandage, a few
  days off work in a painkillered haze and a
  lesson learned. Job's a good 'un. A few weeks
  pass and the dressing comes off, revealing his
  newly foreshortened finger. The getting-used-to
  of it proceeds as more time passes, and soon
  enough, it's just the way things are. Which is
  presumably what makes the gradual appearance and
  growth of a little fleshy nubbin at the end
  something of mild interest, rather than a
  potential cause for concern. It's probably also
  the reason why our hero feels no need to visit a
  doctor, even if just to put his mind at ease.
  It's obviously the lost nail pushing its way
  back out. Obviously. So he gets the nail
  clippers, pincers the nubbin between the blades
  and snips ...the nerve ending...clear through.
  He woke full two days later in hospital." (doran)
    
  * "A few years ago I decided to try my hand at
  flint napping. My other half at the time
  suggested I wear safety gloves/goggles lest a
  nasty razor sharp shard of flint decide to
  become one with my person. Naturally, I ignored
  this and carried on regardless. After a while,
  dissatisfied with my progress, I decided to go
  at it with a lump hammer. *Something* broke off
  and sliced my finger open, which bled profusely.
  It was some weeks before I realised I had
  something lodged deep, deep inside there. The
  doctor wouldn't operate as it would apparently
  work its way out eventually. It didn't. It was
  some years before I accidentally discovered the
  *something* inside my finger was magnetic! I
  spent days with a hard drive magnet slowly
  teasing the mysterious object from my finger,
  until one day it tore through the surface and I
  pulled a small cresent-shaped shard of lump
  hammer from my finger, leaving a strangely not
  bleeding hole visible all the way to the bone,
  and the greatest feeling of satisfaction I've
  ever felt. Lovely." (brutal stack)
    
  * "A friend of mine, at a party, decided to take
  his bean bag apart. Lots of little polystyrene
  pellets. Lots of fun having indoor snowball
  fights and generally drunkenly cocking about.
  Until I got a bean in my ear. Right deep down in
  my ear. Couldn't get it out with a finger.
  Couldn't get it out with pliers. I'm now
  completely deaf in that ear. I've only succeeded
  in pushing it further in. Brainwave. Out comes
  the Dyson. Hose attachement. Socket it into my
  ear, nod, and the power comes on... Took me two
  weeks for my ear to stop ringing so I could tell
  if the process had worked or not. It had. Dysons
  are noisy!" (inflateable)


  >> This Week: I'm glad nobody saw me <<
  Have you ever done something stupid and sighed
  with relief when a quick look about revealed
  nobody was watching? Did you get away with it?
  This week's question sponsored by Mary Bale:
http://b3ta.com/questions/nobodysawme/


-------------------------------------------------

  Whilst in development the 464 was codenamed
  Arnold, an anagram of Roland, the name of the
  engineer who lead the project. Sticking 'Roland'
  into an anagram generator we get 'lard on' which
  is great because it sounds like the stiffy a fat
  man would get when thinking about Greggs.

-------------------------------------------------

: BEN GOLDACRE PLUG
  Lock up your pets, Ben is on tour

  To absolve us from a secret sin, Dr Ben
  suggested we could redress our karmic balance by
  plugging his sciencey tour that he's doing with
  his cyber-chums. You should def go if you want
  to see a man with curly hair get very excited
  about geeky stuff. Brian Cox, Simon Singh and
  Robin Ince will also be there, so it's going to
  be a bit of a treat for the ladies.
http://goo.gl/kWID9


-------------------------------------------------

: BRIEF SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
  
  * HOW SECURE IS YOUR PASSWORD? - a neat little
  test, although typing your passwords into a
  random site that knows your IP address is
  possibly dumb.
http://howsecureismypassword.net/  


  * GOOGLE LOLS - 
  1) Go to Google translate 
  2) English to Hungarian
  3) Type in "cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese
  cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese
  cheese cheese"
  4) Click Listen
  5) Laugh like a little child
http://translate.google.com/


  * DRUNK OR CHILD - "I pooped in a bucket in
  another room while my friend was sleeping." What
  do you reckon? The words of a toddler, or a
  tippler?
http://www.drunkorchild.com/


-------------------------------------------------

  The 464 came in two models, with a colour or a
  green screen monitor. We'd like to come in two
  models, Irina Shayk and Lily Cole but we're
  writing self-indulgent retro computing jokes on
  the internet and apparently these things are
  mutually exclusive. Who knew?

-------------------------------------------------

: FUNNY OR INTERESTING IMAGES FOLDER
  Mini lols for the time-poor
  
  * FUNNY! ROW BETWEEN TWO CHURCHES - although
  what's interesting is the amount of people who
  want to believe this is true rather than the
  obvious (and amusing) photoshop that it is.
http://bit.ly/f5zDJT


  * INTERESTING! REEFY ART - Jason de Caires
  Taylor makes concrete sculptures, submerges
  them in sea water and waits for coral to grow.
  Lovely idea and very beautiful.
http://goo.gl/Xblww

 
  * FUNNY! DAYTIME TV TALK SHOW LABELS - these shows sort
  of look awesome and we'd totally watch, if we
  could be arsed to leave the laptop alone for 15
  minutes.
http://www.youmightlikethis.com/2011/01/this-is-america/


  * FUNNY! IGGY POP IS SAD TORSO - btw if you've
  never listened to Iggy's album The Idiot, call
  it up NOW on spotify. NOW damn you.
http://goo.gl/yDGXL


  * INTERESTING! PORNY BIRO ART - no idea who
  makes these but if any women end up dead with a
  blue biro shoved up their vagina then Dexter would
  finger this guy.
http://www.leenks.com/gallery1406.htm  


-------------------------------------------------

  In the late '80s the 464 was relauched as the
  464plus. Everything with plus added is shit.
  Spectrum+. Timesplus. Platyplus. 

-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  160x200 pixel sized 2fps lols

  * COOKING IN SWEDEN - Sweden used to be such a
  nice word. Abba, Volvos, I Am Curious (Yellow)
  etc. Now it's been taken over by sinister forces.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Just_your_average_meal_time_in_Sweden


  * BOLLYWOOD MATRIX - the most exciting action
  sequence we've seen in yonks. Just when you
  think they're going to pull back from the edge
  of silliness, they crank it up another notch.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Bollywoods_version_of_The_Matrix_Terminator


  * BADLY-TRANSLATED MADONNA INTERVIEW - Madonna
  interview translated from Hungarian back to
  English. Then translated from English to
  Hungarian and then back to English again. 
http://www.b3ta.com/links/French_Saunders_Read_from_Madonna_Interview


  * INSIDE AN ALCOHOLIC'S KITCHEN - amasters1980
  writes, "A friend of mine decided to film the
  kitchen belonging to one of his friends. Despite
  him living there for over a year there is
  nothing edible there, save for a bag of frozen
  peas and a can of macaroni cheese. However,
  every cupboard and drawer is stuffed with wine
  bottles." Funny, or arguably tragic. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c7vqMA_NcRU


  * YEOMAN TOUR - Yeomen Warders work at the Tower
  of London and probably had something real to do
  in olden times but these days are mostly there
  to entertain the tourists, and entertain they
  very much do do. We hope this guy keeps his job
  once this vid goes viral, as his humour could get
  him into trouble.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jWFq-v7TKdQ


-------------------------------------------------

  Lord Sugar's mum had named him Barry Alan Sugar
  and not Alan Michael then his company would have
  been the quite wonderful BASTRAD PLC

-------------------------------------------------

: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Manhood Community College

  We're sure Manhood Community College is a great
  school and we have no desire to have their PTA
  sending us complaint letters but it is a bit of
  a silly name. "I was expelled from Manhood."
http://bit.ly/gntzCG


-------------------------------------------------

  If Alan is the 464. Nick and Margeret are
  peripherals. Nick is stiff and irritating, a DD1
  disk drive. Margaret crusty and dusty, a broken
  DMP-1 printer. His new flash turnip Karen Brady,
  a futuristic DK'tronics lightpen. 

-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Pointless USB Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to invent entirely
  stupid USB devices.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * CLEVER - this is the kind of brilliant
  Scientific thinking that made our nation great
  (The Hedgehog From Hell)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10310170

  * TINY - for those occasions when a regular
  keyboard is just too big (benito vaselini)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10312940

  * PRISM - Pink Floyd's prog classic given the
  USB treatment (Christian's Bolt and Ski)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10311763

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/pointlessusbdevice/


  >> New challenge: Goth <<
  It's dark, it's gloomy, it sits in its room
  listening to the Sisters of Mercy, and it's this
  week's single-word challenge: Goth!
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/goth/


-------------------------------------------------

  The CPC disk operating system was called Amsdos
  - a variation on the name of the more popular
  MSDOS. Should the 464 had lasted a few more
  years then maybe it could have run Amsdows.

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * APPEAL FOR SLOGANS - badnanny writes, "Dear
  Lovely b3ta, I am having a new year revolution!
  I am contacting all sorts of people and asking
  for quotes/doodles to embroider onto
  'uncomfortable cushions'. I'm after stuff that
  will get people thinking a bit, don't care what
  it is so long as its not sweary or booby. I'm
  going to try to sell them at craft fairs in
  Brighton. Please be delicious and send me a
  little quotey something and I'll send a picture
  in return. Let me stitch you up! Big thanks,
  Weez x" Send your slogan to badnanny AT hotmail
  co uk. Our suggestions included, "DOWNLOADING...
  TEA", "Hug me over your tummy" and "Me, myself
  and Wifi"


  * PHIL ZIMMERMAN vs iPHONE 4 - Writes Joel,
  "Phil Zimmerman reviews the iPhone 4 for us.
  He's not impressed with the way the predictive
  texting doesn't function properly, and is not
  pleased he has to buy a rubber sheath for it."
http://goo.gl/UeMF1


  * HACK FOR ESTIMATING EBAY POSTAL - lots of your
  wrote in and suggest buying scales (boring!) but
  we liked the simplicity of The Vomiting
  Hitchhiker who writes, "Find similar items on
  eBay, check the seller's feedback, then copy
  their postal charges if it's good!"


  * GEEKY DIGITAL TIMES - welsh git writes, "I
  can't believe you forgot to mention the time:
  4:04 - time not found. Call yourself geeks?"
  ARGH! We're so shit.


  * KIM JONG IL SONG - ma0sm writes, "I recorded a
  song in tribute to the website Kim Jong Il
  looking at things which you can listen to at the
  link below. Would be great if you featured it in
  the newsletter." This really made us grin, and
  we like the idea of writing different songs to
  listen along to with famous websites.
http://Soundcloud.com/neonhighwire/Kim-Jong-il-looking-at-things


  * PANDERING BUT NICE EMAIL OF THE WEEK -  Claire
  writes, "my newsletter subscription has
  outlasted the boyfriend who originally
  introduced me to it, oh, 5 or so years ago!"


-------------------------------------------------

  Issue 664 in 2014. 6128? Due in 2123. Your
  Ginger Fuhrer will be 150 and telepathically
  dictating each issue from his cryogenically
  preserved head into an Amstrad 8256.


-------------------------------------------------

: FRIDAY GAME
  Online CPC emulator
 
  Similar to the Jasper one for the ZX spectrum
  that's been knocking around for years, you can
  now play your favourite 464 games in your
  browser. Well, worked for us in Safari and
  massively failed in Chrome. Still, nice to look
  at the porky pixel loading screens.
http://java.cpc-live.com/  


-------------------------------------------------

  An early starring role for Amstrad computers was
  in the TV soap Eastenders. Colin and Barry, the
  gay couple, had a 6128 in their flat which
  purred seductively in back of shots, exciting
  schoolboys everywhere. 

-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * ROOM 404 - a podcast where nerdy guests chat
  about 10 websites / technologies that aren't
  there any more but were aces. This week Sir
  Clive on the QL, wobbly ram packs and the now
  closed Spearmint Rhino website.
  
  * DOOBAGE SORTER - flatfrog requests, "a machine
  that will sort through all the crap at the
  bottom of my bag and pick out the leftover
  crumbs of weed, to save me from smoking bits of
  chocolate, grit and broccoli florets." Ah, we
  remember being young, trying to smoke banana
  skins and cobwebs. Still do actually; got a
  taste for it.

  * LAPTOP BATTERIES THAT GENUINELY LAST ALL DAY -
  would be a bit more useful than making them go
  5% faster.

  Send contributions on a Woolworths C15 cassette,
  recorded twice on each side with a printed-out
  listing. 
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/


  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us using our cyber-eyes.


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  Load "b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com", &c0000
  Save, "b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com",a

-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:
  This Feb 1985 edition of Amstrad Action was
  written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson.
  Type-ins sent in by carl_baley,
  DaveExclamationMark, @Daffydil, @iankwilliams,
  Captain_lambkin, @williamtheblood,
  @jameskhedley, Bootsthealchemist, @watfordpete,
  @somegreybloke, dirtyscarab, @Simon_Pegg, John
  McEnroe and DisgruntledGoat. Pokes by Smale.
  Advanced OCP Art Studio readers images selected
  by Fraser Lewry. Adventure game reviews by Mike
  'The Pilgrim' Trinder. Font font also by Mike,
  who worked very hard on this, poor chap.


-------------------------------------------------

  TOP TIP:
  Insulate your house. Inject a mixture of whipped
  egg white and sugar into the wall cavities and
  the loft. Turn the heating up to high. Hey
  presto: meringue insulation.

-------------------------------------------------

  TOP TIP 2:
  If you're having difficulty loading your
  newsletter then try adjusting the azimuth
  settings on your tape drive.

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