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NEWSLETTER: "NEWSLETTER TIME - READ IT, MAIL BITS TO COLLEAGUES, FUCK OFF HOME"

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This Week:
* CALENDAR - Tory George and his leather chaps
* PODCAST - Room 404 actually happened
* CHALLENGE - Literal Song Titles

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "In 535 issues' time, our     
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   issue number will be
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|   someone's cashcard PIN"

B3ta space fax 465 - 4 Feb 2011

Read this issue on Rupert Murdoch's The Daily:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue465/

   e-wedding:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
   e-funeral:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
 
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: SPONSORED LINK
  Magic telly thing - Boxee box by D-link

  We've gone through numerous solutions to
  watching DIVX downloads on the main telly
  through the years. Burning CDs and playing them
  on DIVX DVD players. More recently, copying them
  to a thumbdrive (Mr Sticky) and playing them on
  a USB DIVX DVD drive. And most recently we've
  gone Boxee crazy, a magic, magic box that
  streams your media from your home network. It's
  changed our life. Or at least means we have to
  do less fiddling to get stuff to play.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0043EV3MS/b3ta-21


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Sit on our cyber-face and wee'll guess your
  advertising weight.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  ConDem cal, internet, Room 404

  >> ConDem Calendar 2011 <<
  Our sexy ruling overlords, brought to you in
  calendar form by asciifaceofbob, with a little
  help from Waspbox. "Get yours now!" exclaims
  asciifaceofbob.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/ConDem_Calendar_2011


  >> "The Internet has been wheel-clamped!" <<
  So claim Joel Veitch and top celebrity chum Phil
  Zimmerman. After watching this, it's hard to
  argue with, well, with anything. Baffling.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Internet_Has_been_Wheelclamped


  >> Room 404 <<
  Room 404 is a podcast, where nerdy guests talk
  about four vintage gadgets they'd like to
  recover from the vaults of Room 404, plus one
  current techy thing they'd like to consign to
  oblivion. "To be honest grabbing some geeks on
  Skype and getting them to talk wistfully about
  old computers is pretty easy," confesses Ewan.
  Still, this is a rare instance of somebody
  making one of the things we ask for at the end
  of the newsletter, so massive kudos to him.
http://room404.thepodcastcorner.com/


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: WHO'S THE KING OF ANNOYING CELEBRITIES?
  A special quiz

  Your Ginger Fuhrer and Tom Scott are working on
  a secret and evil project to work out the
  answers to lots of important questions by doing
  a quizzy / surveyey combo. Lots of questions,
  lots of answers, including the one about celebs.
  Top-voted answers so far include: Jedward,
  Jordan, Justin Bieber, Lady Gaga and Piers
  Morgan.
http://www.b3ta.com/kingof/


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  I'm glad nobody saw me

  Last week we asked you to fess up incidents that
  till now have remained anonymous because nobody
  saw you. Except me. In the bushes. With my
  night-vision goggles:
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/nobodysawme/

  * SPEAR HEAD - "I was snorkelling and
  spear-fishing just near the cliffs in Babbacombe.
  I'd caught a couple of nice fish and left them
  on a rock. When I next came up there was a gull
  snacking on my hard-won catch. I tried shouting.
  No reaction whatsoever from a gull. So I aimed
  the spear-gun, and pulled trigger. The initial
  result? Missed the gull by a smidge. The rest of
  the result? The discovery that spear-gun string,
  when used in air, is actually *very* elastic.
  The spear missed my head by much less of a
  smidge. Interestingly, in the moment that it
  took the spear to come back, I had time to
  imagine how ridiculous a way this would be to
  die and what the post-mortem report would have
  said... but not to duck. I think that the gull
  flew away, although it may have just fallen off
  the rock laughing." (BeatsWork)
    
  * BALL BONCE - "Was walking back from football
  when I saw my whore of an ex-g/f strolling along
  with some of her skanky chums. Without even
  really thinking about it I gave the ball a real
  punt in their direction - even cackling to
  myself as it left my foot - but as it flew
  through the air realised it was a bit of a
  childish thing to do, so hid behind a bush. It
  walloped her in the back of the head and spilt
  Pepsi all over her clown-caked face. The ball
  ricocheted off her noggin, over a garden fence
  and was nowhere to be seen. They looked around
  in confusion then, after a minute, carried on
  walking. I was about 19 at the time and it's
  probably one of the most immature things I've
  ever done, but it still makes me laugh." (Regger)
    
  * POO TONGUE - "Got back to my car after a long
  day at work, only to discover an enormous bird
  poop right in the middle of my windscreen. I had
  nothing in the car to clean it off with - no
  water, no tissues, no scraper, nothing. But I
  couldn't have driven as I wouldn't have been
  able to see anything. So I cleaned it off with
  my hand. Then, as I pulled out my keys, I had a
  bizarre moment of brain-fade and thought "What's
  that all over my hand?" and cheerfully licked it
  to find out. Followed by hacking, gagging and
  spitting to try and get the bird poop out of my
  mouth. I am an idiot. An idiot who was lucky not
  to be ill. An idiot who was also very lucky not
  to be seen by anyone." (biscuitbiscuit)


  >> This Week: Needless to say, I had the last laugh <<
  Do your best Eamonn Holmes impression and tell
  us your tales of smug oneupmanship and merciless
  humiliation:
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/lastlaugh/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  * HOW THE DAILY MAIL WORKS - Long, long blog
  entry, but interesting and quite damning. To put
  it bluntly, they make stories up.
http://goo.gl/acMZq


  * METAGAMES - Andy Baio of Waxy fame has been
  compiling a special list of games about other
  games. We're very proud that something we
  produced for E4 makes the grade - Janey
  Thomson's Marathon, a game only complete-able by 3
  hours of furious button-waggling. Includes video
  of some poor sod actually doing this.
http://waxy.org/2011/02/metagames_games_about_games/


  * HEADLINE OF THE YEAR - and quite frankly a
  great idea for one of these "pornographic
  movies" that we keep hearing about.
http://yfrog.com/hs1jncwj


  * WRITING ON BANANAS WITH BIROS - everyone loves
  doing this and it was only a matter of time
  before there was a shitty website dedicated to
  the art. Apple should make writing on the iPad
  as pleasurable as this and they'd earn enough
  money to buy back the world economy from China.
http://bananalala.blogspot.com/


  * THE MIDDLE-CLASS HANDBOOK - can you spot
  yourself? Can you spot your friends? Or maybe
  our readers are too common and need the Pikey
  Scum handbook instead.
http://bit.ly/gqA4sZ  


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like Spotify but with moving pictures

  * THE UK EXPLAINED - the difference between UK,
  Great Britain, England, The Crown etc, for our
  foreign readers who don't know and, frankly, for
  us, as it's very confusing.
http://goo.gl/NKFzG

  * YOUTUBE SATIRE LOLS - "This about sums up
  YouTube for me", complains Mictoboy.
http://goo.gl/MSHSW

  * STAR WARS REDUB -  The Dayjob Orchestra lend
  surreal new meaning to A New Hope. Chewbacca's a
  lesbian?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Latest_vid_from_Dayjob_Orchestra

  * FIREFOX CLEANS WINDOWS - Do you see what we
  did there? Anyway, the main thing to take away
  from this is that foxes have enormous, meaty
  tongues.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/firefox_attempts_to_clean_windows

  * BBC CAT LADIES SKETCH - We thought this was
  going to be horribly woman-hating for a moment,
  but no, pleasantly surprised:
http://goo.gl/vb0Lb


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
  Kuntz and Manhood redux

  * SURELY WE'VE DONE THIS ONE BEFORE - but Google
  says no. We know who we're booking to do the
  food at the next B3ta/Bilderberg retreat.
http://www.randykuntzcatering.com/
 
  * REGARDING MANHOOD COMMUNITY COLLEGE - beanojam
  writesm "it gets better as it's named after the
  surrounding area; the Manhood Peninsula." BTW:
  another person who we'll leave nameless
  twittered in to complain about our even-handed
  write up last week, as he'd been expelled from
  the school and was still peeved by it. Expelled
  from Manhood. he. he.


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Goth Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to get dark.

  Your favourites included:

  * BEARS - gloomy outsiders exist in all sections
  of the animal kingdom (drbroon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10317504

  * GAME - the find-the-goth game all the family
  can enjoy (HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10317332

  * DARK - the classic American Gothic given an
  extreme gothic makeover (Captain Howdy)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10317877

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/goth/


  >> New challenge: Literal Song Titles <<
  I am the Walrus. Big in Japan. Dancing Queen.
  Foxy Lady. Take song titles and interpret them
  literally, using the magic of image manipulation
  software. Challenge suggested by sandettie light
  vessel automatic.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/literalsongtitles/


  >> Bonus Challenge <<
  Design a logo for the Cat Survival Trust and win
  prizes!
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/catsurvivaltrust/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

   * JOEL IN THE DAILY MAIL - and it isn't his
   wife writing a sob story, "My husband gave up
   cigs and became addicted to pork" but all about
   the advertising project he's engaged in with
   Samsung to prove that their SD drives make very
   effective paper aeroplanes.
http://bit.ly/dNsEy7


  * MORE SWEARY TRANSLATE LOLS -
  barandis_arkenstone writes, "A
  Hungarian-speaking friend told me to add some
  trees to the mix when I mentioned the
  translation of cheese from this week's
  newsletter."
http://goo.gl/rRCYQ


  * BETTER LAPTOP BATTERIES? - Matt Fowler writes,
  "The Pandora open-source community-hippy-type
  tiny-computer-thingy is now available for
  much-more-immediate purchase than previously, is
  very ace at running emulators, and gets a
  genuine 10 (ten, yes, really!) hours of battery
  life. The device itself is about the size of an
  original 'fat' Nintendo DS. Runs Linux
  (naturally), has a SNES-set of game controls
  plus dual analogue nubsticks, and a qwerty
  keyboard. It's about £370 inc VAT and P&P to the
  UK." Co-incidentally, Craig, the chappy behind
  Pandora, has been in regular touch with B3ta for
  years - older readers will remember the rather
  fabulous GP32 he imported from Korea, and Craig
  promises to get a Pandora in the post to us so
  we can check it out properly for B3ta readers:
http://gbax.com/pandoraprivate.html


  * I USED DIET COKE THIS TIME - Black Moon, whose
  excellent Coke & Mentos vid we featured last
  week, writes, "I had too many comments about the
  last one being normal Coke and not Diet, so I
  felt compelled to do another variation on the
  theme." Oh Black Moon, Black Moon, pandering to
  internet pedantry is truly the way to insanity.
http://goo.gl/mtVjj


  * B3TA iPHONE APP UPDATE - App developer Jon
  Grant says, "After a long wait, B3ta app v1.2 is
  finally ready for download on the app store!
  This version is mostly bug fixes and caching so
  that it doesn't break if it can't connect to the
  site. There are some UI improvements too. Try it"
http://itunes.apple.com/us/app/b3ta/id400451018?mt=8


  * CHARIDEE COMEDY NIGHT - B3ta buddy Boyce
  Bailey is running a benefit gig for MERU. Writes
  Boyce, "MERU is a charity that exists to improve
  life for children and young people with
  disabilities. If you like laughter, or disabled
  children, there's a tip-top line-up, 9th Feb,
  The Star Inn, 2 Cheam Street, Ewell, KT17 1SA.
  Doors at 8pm."
http://goo.gl/dWXzu


  * OLD SCHOOL B3TAN RAISES MONEY FOR PROSTATE
  CANCER CHARITY - your Ginge Fuhrer has bunged in
  £25 as he says, "Prostate cancer frightens me -
  it gets so many men. Hopefully this is some
  payment into a karmic bank to prevent it wiping
  me out."
http://www.justgiving.com/Liz-Alvis


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something "sick" and tell us about it.
  Maybe poison a rabbit or something. If you are
  in B3ta then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include:

  * ALCOHOL THAT DOESN'T MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE CRAP
  THE NEXT DAY - and women think they have it hard
  with pregnancy? The real morning sickness is
  hangovers. Let's claim this phrase back for
  alco-men.

  * WASHING MACHINES THAT DON'T BEEP LIKE 1980s
  DIGITAL WATCHES FOR YOU TO UNLOAD THEM - we're
  quite happy to let our washing moulder. It's the
  incessant beeping that pushes us closer to a
  horrid murder/suicide incident that'll at least
  make people remember us for something other than
  shoddy kitten-based animations from the early
  2000s.

  * THE WHITE STRIPES TO REFORM - we're missing
  them already. The campaign starts now.

  Send your love, hate and indifference via the
  super futuristic mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look at
  everything you send us.


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-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by quim-faced cunts,
  @TheMichaelMoran, The Vomiting Hitchhiker,
  yanmaniadotcom, SnowyTheRabbit, itsallaboutcake,
  @jamsandwich, @danielbevis, Meglos, Stashie,
  miltonlives, Pazuzu, dirtyscarab. Top Tippery by
  A Vagabond. Additional linkage and image
  challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
  bloke. Subjlols via Afinkawan.
 
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  TOP TIP:
  Pour cement into a bucket and stick a broom
  handle in the middle. When turned upside-down it
  makes an ideal - if somewhat cumbersome -
  "umbrella" for very thin things about a foot
  wider than a broom handle.

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