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NEWSLETTER: "POST-RAPTURE EDITION"

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This Week:
* KIDS - Automatic CBeebies machine
* SHOELACES - You're doing them wrong
* BALLS - Make pretty tunes

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |  "We're spilling tea    
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      all over our 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|   laptops... together"

B3ta email 480 - 27 May 2011

Borrow this issue from your local library:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue480/

       Hugs:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
      Stabs:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: GLASTONBURY FREEBIES FROM ORANGE
  Sponsored linky 

  Win a pair of Glastonbury tickets & download the
  official festival app from Orange, available
  free for iPhone, Android and Nokia devices. See
  who’s playing where, get real-time news and
  explore an interactive guide to the greatest
  festival in the world.
http://bit.ly/orange_glasto_b3ta


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Laptop parent machine, Babies and Funiculars

  >> Internet Parent Machine <<
  "Last newsletter you pleaded for a 'random
  CBeebies' playlist option on the BBC iPlayer,"
  reminds Lost Tourist. "Well now you can piss
  off down the pub and leave your young 'uns
  safely tucked up in front of the computer."
  Genuinely a useful thing if you have small
  children. Although we weren't able to properly
  test the 'automatically forward to the next
  programme', so maybe it's an internet tears
  machine that only shows children 5 minutes of
  their favourite shows...
http://www.waitingforlunchtime.co.uk/games/cbeebies.cgi


  >> Babies <<
  "This is how babies are made," brags weebl. Big,
  bonny, bouncing, joyful stuff. And safe for work.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/songs/Babies/


  >> Cairngorm Funicular Railway <<
  "I went up a mountain on a train," purrs
  eclectech. "I went up quite slowly, but you can
  watch it quite quickly." Pretty stuff, though
  somehow reminiscent of a period sitcom set on a
  remote Scottish mountain.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cairngorm_Funicular_Railway


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Trolls

  Last week we asked for your stories of trolls,
  trolling and trip-trapping over bridges. Trolls?
  On the Internet? Surely not:
http://b3ta.com/questions/trolls/

  * TPS - "I always take unsolicited telephone
   sales calls. I am always polite, express
   interest in the products or services being
   sold and generally act like a lovely customer.
   Sadly, I am quite hard of hearing, have a
   very poor memory, suffer from congenital
   stupidity and did I mention not having a good
   memory? Due to these health issues, it will
   often take many, many, many repeated attempts
   before I understand even simple concepts.
   Sometimes, to the general embarrassment of
   all concerned, I will need the same sentence
   to be repeated ten or more times before it
   sinks into my thick skull. When we ultimately,
   normally after more than 30-minutes later,
   get to the point where I have to hand over
   my bank details, to secure whatever great
   service is being offered, I generally get
   very confused about my bank provider. It's
   not been unknown for me to confuse the barcode
   on a can of Coke for my account number. One
   nice gentleman was VERY frustrated at my
   28-digit account number. He made me get my
   cheque book, explained where to get the
   account number from, and was quite upset that
   it had the same 28-digit number I'd already
   given him. I did explain, patiently, that it
   was a very BIG chequebook... This is why I'm
   signed up to the Telephone Preference Service.
   It's not to protect ME and to save ME any
   wasted time. No, no, no. I have altruistically
   signed up to the TPS to protect the poor
   telesales industry from having to deal with
   my fuckpiggery."
   (Linbox)
	 
  * DON'T BE EVIL - "A few months ago, I
   intentionally clicked on a link I knew was
   to Rick Astley (because I actually wanted to
   listen to the song), only to find it had been
   blocked in my country on copyright grounds.
   Long story short, I was reverse-rickrolled
   by Google.
   (The Coast Of Yemen)
	 
  * NSFW OCD - "My mate once visited one of
   those websites where you can watch girls
   fondle about and tease, and take requests
   from the chat-room. "Now what do you want
   me to do big boy?" she purred. He asked her
   if she'd fix the angle of the picture that
   was hanging on the wall behind them, as it
   was doing his head in."
   (mr-lizard)


  >> This Week's Question <<

  What's the best thing you've ever eaten? Or
  the worst thing, come to that. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/bestandworstfood/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> How to edit webpages for shits and giggles <<
  A neat bit of javascript that you can use to
  temporarily edit webpages for lols. E.g. Edit
  the Daily Mail site to be 5% more racist than it
  already is, take a screengrab, post it on
  twitter and sit back and watch the hatemob RT
  their pitchforks.
http://goo.gl/HWCFb


  >> Drop balls for pretty tunes <<
  Basically draw some lines on the screen and the
  dropping balls will make magical music. Brian
  Eno has made whole albums like this and people
  paid money for it.
http://balldroppings.com/js/?2


  >> What's the most epic photo ever taken? <<
  Nice crowd-sourced collection of stuff you know
  (Vietnam, self-immolating monk, man on the moon
  etc) and stuff that you don't. Weirdly, the photo
  of David Hasselhoff and Arnold from Different
  Strokes isn't there.
http://www.quora.com/Whats-the-most-epic-photo-ever-taken


  >> What would you take if your house was burning? <<
  The kids? Or a load of old tat?
http://the-burning-house.com/


  >> Have you ever been taken in by The Onion <<
  Site devoted to people taking Onion stories at
  face value. This has ever never happened to us.
  We're media professionals.
http://bit.ly/iWY6fo


  >> What to read this week: The Psychopath Test <<
  Jon Ronsons's new book, we devoured it in a day,
  tells various stories related to one of the
  darkest labels that psychiatry can give:
  psychopath. Includes the fascinating theory
  that TV likes people mental but not too mental,
  a Jeremy Kyle-style show that made sure it
  booked people on Prozac rather than any
  schizophrenia medicine. And how TV liked David
  Shayler when he was a 9/11 truther but not when
  he announced himself as Christ. Worth reading.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0330492268/b3ta-21

  Or see an extract from the Guardian here:
http://goo.gl/K6iZx


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like those .movs that broke your email in 2001

  >> You're tying your shoelaces wrong <<
  Stopping to tie up your shoelaces is a pain and
  those clever chaps at TED have released a video
  which shows how to do it properly. Of course
  it's not just about shoes - if you really wanted
  your laces to stay done, you'd replace the
  laces with zips or velcro straps like they have
  on shoes for the under-5s. It's a metaphor for
  how sometimes you're doing the basics wrong and
  don't even know it.
http://goo.gl/1xITa


  >> Exorcist advert <<
  A great ad that riffs on the crazy levitation
  scenes in the Exorcist. We almost forgive
  advertising for making us buy useless shit day
  in day out, as this is such a neat bit of
  creative.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/This_advert_really_sucks


  >> Why you shouldn't watch the Apprentice <<
  1. Alan Sugar is a dick on Twitter.
  2. All the contestants are numpties.
  This Mitchell and Webb sketch is mostly riffing
  on point 2.
http://goo.gl/srvaF


  >> Bitch got a penis <<
  We're suckers for a catchphrase and this song
  certainly offers up a new one that might
  embarrass you in public. Watch to the end for a
  neat reveal.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/People_like_this


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Mr Masturbation and Apple Stores

  * Let's hope his friends shorten his name to
  Willie: 
http://www.getcited.org/pub/100295141

  * Apple stores are an ideal location for the
  elderly to look at porn.
http://goo.gl/39ZRH


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Last week: Sex change movies

  We asked you to engage in gender-swap roleplay
  and, for some reason, you did. Our favourites
  include:

  * 28 DAYS LATE - having kids is a worse
  nightmare than any rubbish Hollywood can dream
  up.
http://b3ta.com/board/10425740

  * FIRST BLOOD - taking the men out of menstruate.
http://b3ta.com/board/10426251

  * SOMETHING ABOUT SHOES - that we think is about
  blokes being fed up about women wittering on
  about shoes.
http://b3ta.com/board/10425842

  The best as voted by you:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/sexchangemovies/


  >> This week: Biscuits <<
  Two weeks ago we ate a Bourbon biscuit and
  thought "this is the shittiest biscuit ever" and
  somehow this morphed into "let's suggest the
  B3tans do a biscuit challenge".  
http://b3ta.com/challenge/biscuits/popular/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * MAD JAPANESE CAPTURE THE FLAG GAME -
  robertvaliant writes, "The 'sport' you
  mentioned in the last newsletter looks so much
  fun my friend and I are thinking of organising
  our own. Trouble is we don't even have enough
  friends for five-a-side football. Anyway, we
  looked into it and here's the wiki."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bo-Taoshi
  

 * iPHONE TEXT BLOCKER - We asked why there isn't
 there a simple 'block texts' button on our phone
 like there is in email? Some of you pointed out
 iBlacklist - which only works if you jailbreak
 your phone. Which is a bit pathetic really.
http://www.iblacklist.com.br/


  * FLEATOON RETURNS - Dogbomb's collection of
  cheesy old jokes, retold from the mouths of
  fleas was last big-upped in issue 79, before
  taking a brief hiatus. "I've been collating and
  sitting on jokes for the past 3 years," cackles
  the man. "I now have over 1000 and now it's
  time to UNLEASH HELL! Or at least... unleash
  groans and headslaps. Daily. With fleas."
http://fleatoon.com/


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: FRIDAY GAME
  More sexy games

  Buster Hackney writes, "My take on Friday Game
  - Tube version. You ride the up escalator. As
  you watch the other bodies riding down, you
  have to pick the one you will have sex with.
  You have to pick someone before the end of the
  ride. Once you pick you can't change your mind.
  If you made the right choice you win the game.
  If you pass someone even hotter  that makes you
  shout, "Doh!" ... you lose."

  Or if you don't want such muck, sinisterduck
  suggests playing 'Ponycorns' with gfx and story
  created by a five-year-old girl. Really. That's
  what happens when your dad is a massive geek.
http://jayisgames.com/games/sissys-magical-ponycorn-adventure/


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include:

  * DAVID ICKE vs BEYONCÉ MASH UP - take the
  "GIRLS! Rule the world" and shout "lizards!"
  over the "girls" bit. And photoshops Icke's
  head on Beyonce. You could also probably do one
  with Hitler and Jews, but that actually would
  be sort of horrid, rather than just mental.

  * TOY TOWN MUSIC - Edward Bear asks, "I wonder
  if you could play Kind of Blue in its entirety
  using only instruments available from the Early
  Learning Centre."

  * A KITTEN BLOCK THAT DOESN'T JUST BLOCK THE
  DAILY MAIL - but any story sourced on Tax
  Payers Alliance material. (The cunning pressure
  group that's basically the Tory party
  outsourcing their nastiness.)

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Rhyden Staines,
  thomchem, Damocles, mrandrist, Jimmy Savlon,
  DaveExclamationMark. Top Tippery by ry_simmonds.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Subjlols via Paul_P.

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:  TOP TIP:
   Fed up of your Internet being usurped by The
   Man to push loud, flashing and obstructive
   advertising pop-ups down your eyes? Then
   uninstall your Flash player. That's pretty much
   all people use it for nowadays anyway. It might
   even help you get on with work for once in your
   life too, rather than spending your days hiding
   Miniclip from the boss.

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