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NEWSLETTER: "IT'S LIKE A 486... BUT ONE LOUDER"

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This Week:
* POTTER - Super-quick catch-up
* ZOO - of the past
* SARUMAN - Trololol

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |    "We're launching our    
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   own red top this sunday
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       ... together"

B3ta email 487 - 15 JUL 2011

Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue487/

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: SPONSORED LINK
  AMNESTY TV SHOW - WATCH IT NOW

  If you follow current events it's easy to get
  despondent. Global warming is going to kill us
  all, public services are being destroyed, people
  are bombed in the name of democracy. Everything
  is ruined. Except it's not. You can make a
  difference with Amnesty, and many already are
  including B3ta favourites like Cassette Boy,
  Misery Bear and Modern Toss. Watch their new TV
  show.
http://youtu.be/i2f8IjuqbsY


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Potter, Memories, Kittens and Scenery

  >> Harry Potter Abridged (1-7 part I) <<
  "HIYA!" booms woahbot. "Thought you lot might
  need a Harry Potter catch up before you go and
  see the new film! Enjoy!" Genuine lols, as the
  sequels whizz by.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Harry_Potter_Abridged_1_7_part_I


  >> Draw stuff from memory <<
  "We've got a new blog," boast Hero of
  Switzerland. "It's in need of contributions.
  FROM MEMORY." Nice idea; draw famous characters
  entirely from your own powers of recollection.
  Some funny results too - why not have a bash at
  it?
http://frommemorytopaper.blogspot.com/


  >> Kitten face-ifyer <<
  "You upload a photo and it detects anyone facing
  the camera then replaces their faces with faces
  of kittens," explains probe. "There's obviously
  no need to explain how useful this is." He
  should do this as an app - quids in!
http://www.kittenfaces.com/


   >> Through the viewfinder <<
  "If you don't like the scenery... change it,"
  explains Black Moon.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Through_the_viewfinder


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: FOX NEWS UK DOMAIN STUNT
  Exclusive interview from your soar-away B3ta

  Everywhere we looked on the 13th was linking to
  the domain prank foxnewsuk.com - it was made by
  B3ta chumette ASCII Cat and we thought we'd
  catch up for an exclusive interview.

  WHY?
  Murdoch was pulling out of the BSKYB bid and I
  got rather over-excited. This means no chance of
  Fox News in the UK. Well at least for now, we've
  won the battle but the war is still raging.

  WHY ALL THE VIEW SOURCE STUFF?
  I knew people would be looking for clues about
  who was behind it and the first thing I'd do in
  a situation like this would be to view the
  source to see what was there. Once I noticed
  people had clocked the first joke on Twitter,
  "secret message is secret" I started bunging
  more and more in.

  BEST REACTIONS?
  Slightly confused by the people covering it as
  "Fox News HACKED by Anon", which was wrong on two
  counts. I liked the script I found on Pastebin
  that someone had written to make a changelog of
  all the edits I was doing. It also made the
  Express & Star newspaper. Which was nice.

  WHO ARE YOU?
  ASCII Cat, meow meow, read Chomsky, meow.

  Remember to view source:
http://www.FoxNewsUK.com



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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Dodgy Work Ethics

  Last week we asked what the worst thing you'd
  been asked to do at work was, and if you'd
  actually done it:
http://b3ta.com/questions/dodgyworkethics/

  * "A company I worked at had big night out.
   A treasure hunt through the streets of Croydon
   with a quiz at the final pub. A series of
   clues, each leading to the next pub, and on
   the way were challenges: a copy of a certain
   newspaper dated the day BEFORE the hunt, the
   most intricate or amusing model built out of
   McDonalds drinking straws etc. To say my boss
   was competitive would be putting it mildly.
   He wanted to win this and win this big. So he
   turned to me. "You know that week you're having
   off next month. The week you won't be paid for
   because you're a contractor? How would you like
   to get paid for that week?" So I waited until
   everyone went home and wandered up to where the
   guy setting the route worked and ghosted his
   hard drive. Ferreted through his documents
   until I had the route, the quiz, the challenges,
   the lot. On the night our team roared around
   the circuit with a copy of the previous day's
   Guardian, a magnificent pre-built McDonalds-straw
   peep-hole bra that Sally, the token girl from
   IT, wore and we knew every single quiz answer.
   Then, in the penultimate pub, we ran into the
   marketing team. They were looking confident,
   but their McDonalds straw creation was waaay
   better than ours. It was a perfect, desk-sized
   model of giraffe. Tightly-woven, perfectly
   scaled, it made our effort look like something
   produced by pre-pubescent kids. So I did what
   any contractor who wanted a paid week off would
   do. I took one for the team. Boss engaged them
   in conversation. I leaned back against the bar
   and flicked my lighter... "
   (Legless)
	 
  * "A bloke I worked with a few years ago used
   to have a job delivering sun beds. Usually
   these were for young ladies so he'd happily
   give them some chat, set the sun beds up,
   check they worked and be on his way... for
   about about as long as he reckoned it'd take
   them to get their kit off before he'd return,
   knocking on the door because he'd 'forgotten'
   to leave the goggles. Worked quite well
   apparently. Maybe I should have put this in
   the Top Tips section?"
   (RTFM)
	 
  * "My boss used to pay me to fuck her daughter.
   Only she called it "babysitting." But we all
   know what she meant."
   (CactusZack)


  >> This Week's Question - Road Trips <<
  Twelve days trekking across deserts? Three
  weeks in a hippie bus through the Far East?
  The Northern Line at 8am? Tell us of the epic
  journeys you've made:
http://b3ta.com/questions/roadtrip/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Old photos of London zoo <<
  Zoos are funny old things. The line we're
  expected to follow is that they do lots of work
  for conservation etc, but to our eyes most of
  the animals look fucking miserabe. Especially
  the bigger creatures like lions and apes. Enjoy
  these great photos from the past there was
  utterly no pretence that zoos were an improving
  experience and it was all LOL let's get monkeys
  to play guitars!
http://LDN.in/rUdoED


  >> When creative directors hover <<
  Flashback of memory to doing maths in school
  and the teacher coming up behind you and then
  you freeze OMG CAN'T WRITE ANYTHING. For some
  the hell of school never ends.
http://t.co/THiv6Wu


  >> World's worst records <<
  @dwbullock writes, "Hi B3ta, I know its a bit
  cheeky, but a plug in the B3ta newsletter would
  be delightful." OK then, seeing as it's a rather
  fun blog about really, really shit records.
http://www.worldsworstrecords.blogspot.com  


  >> Well-timed street photography <<
  What goes lol. click. lol. click. lol. click?
  You, after opening this website:
http://mattstuart.com  


  >> Best Carl Sagan animated gif ever! <<
  "Look at the pale blue dot. That's here. That's
  home. That's us. On it everyone you love,
  everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of,
  every human being who ever was, lived out their
  lives." Yeah but we're colour-blind and it looks
  green to us. Take that, Sagan!
http://i.imgur.com/7MBuD.gif


  >> "They're made of Meat!" <<
  "Thinking meat! You're asking me to believe in
  thinking meat!" Short story that's probably as
  old as the hills and boringly familiar to most
  of you, but it's new to us, and we enjoyed it.
  So there.
http://www.terrybisson.com/page6/page6.html


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Imagine something a bit like youtube   

  >> Victor Lewis Smith on QVC <<
  Very much the Fonejacker of his day, the great
  man trolls a home shopping channel. Classic
  stuff!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Victor_Lewis_Smith_on_QVC


  >> Trollolol Saruman <<
  Even in defeat he's pure evil!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Trolling_Saruman


  >> EDL demo in Tower Hamlets shock truth <<
  Innocuous-looking guy with balls of steel chats
  with the racist troglodytes of the EDL. About
  fashion.
http://goo.gl/wyGTh


  >> Living in the Future <<
  Akira the Don's rapping homage to internet
  techno-joy.
http://t.co/x5lbrve


  >> How to deactivate a cat <<
  Kittens have a little bit at the back of their
  necks so their mum can carry them round.
  Theoretically, then, this should work on lions
  - anyone fancy trying it?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/How_to_deactivate_a_cat


  >> Scissor Sisters + puppets <<
  Amazing performance from last year's Brit
  awards, as the Scissor Sisters step up their
  choreography to Spinal Tap levels.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fEf_-BKT6zg


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Funny = shit. Like Slipknot said.
  
  * PENIS PAD - @Itsallaboutcake writes, "there
  seems to be a cock and balls on my pantyliner!"
http://lockerz.com/s/119982959
  

  * TOASTIE GOATSE - @matt_armstrong writes, "Is
  is my imagination, or is this a Breville toastie
  goatse?"
http://twitpic.com/5pwaxh

  
  * FUCK SPAIN - probably not funny as the Basque
  / Spain issues is a political hot potato that we
  don't want to touch. Apparently a greeting on
  the road in Tour De France. (via @JacksofBuxton)
http://lockerz.com/s/120041366  

  
  * BLOKE WITH ACTUAL FUNNY NAME - we can't say
  this out loud without giggling. (thx
  jazzytrumpetguy)
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0564044/


  * PHAEDOPILES - @willcooper writes, "My
  sister-in-law mentioned this lot the other day.
  One spelling mistake from disaster." We think
  they should round up the pheados and throw away
  the khey.
http://www.teamphaedo.com/  


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  Support the #BBCStrike. Don't cross the virtual
  picket line and become a cyber-scab by clicking
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/

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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * PANTS THAT STAY FRESH ALL YEAR LONG - "we're
  sick of having to change them every bleeding
  month." What's what we said, but simbosan points
  out it's in the news already.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-14045387


 * BREAKING! @gotimmy has updated his website.
 Huzzah!
http://www.hasrebekahbrooksbeensackedyet.com/ 


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  This week we're going to fill this section with
  ideas for charities that they wouldn't buy but
  probably should

  * SCOPE: Spazbot. Replies to tweets using the
  words spaz/scoper and points them at resources
  saying why this is bad

  * NSPCC: Stick loads of files on the darknet
  called "kiddyporn1.mov" and then basically play
  a "DON'T YOU FEEL ASHAMED?" message and direct
  the paedos to get help.

  * GREENPEACE - get loads of celebs to paint
  their 'piece' green. 

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Stashie,
  wonderwizard, mrandrist, edwardrussia,
  TwoSheds78, PhosphorBurnedEyes, @ToastMaster,
  @editorialgirl, Mushroom and Enzyme. Top Tippery
  by robneymcplum.I Additional linkage and image
  challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
  bloke. Subjlols via @ereuben 

  
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  TOP TIP:
  Blind people: if you are bored with nothing to
  do, stand near a cool breeze and the resulting
  chills will give you goose bumps which you can
  then 'read' like braille for an interesting,
  abstract story.

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