NEWSLETTER: "RUSSIA FINALLY RECOGNISE HEROIN NOT JUST 'TURBO SHERBET'"
This Week:
* FUCK - Joel Kicks You in the Fuck
* BASS - Get Swede Mason in the charts
* APES - Charlton Heston vs Benny Benassi
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Hacking your Amsphone
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | with Locomotive basic
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| since 1984"
B3ta email 488 - 22 Jul 2011
Read this issue with your penis/minge:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue488/
Friends: [email protected]
Twatards: [email protected]
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: IMPRESS YOUR MATES AT A DINNER PARTY FOR A FIVER
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>> Sponsor B3ta <<
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http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Kicks, Sugar, Swords and Murdoch
>> I'm Going To Kick You In The F**k <<
Team Veitch has been cocking around with
plasticine and made something amusing.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Im_Going_To_Kick_You_In_...
>> The Apprentice - Alan's Breakdown <<
Cope&Dalton have been chopping up The Apprentice
to make it look like Alan is suffering from
depression and having a mental breakdown. A lesson
in how TV works; if you have the footage you can
make it mean what you like. Editing is all.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Apprentice_Alans_Bre...
>> Dads with swords <<
Middle-aged middle managers get, er, medieval
with broadswords on cuts of pork. "Dads...
with swords," croons beautiful songbird Pete
Donaldson. Highly alarming footage and possibly
NSFW unless you're employed by a ninja butchers
shop.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/DADS_WITH_SWORDS
>> Murdoch freakout! <<
"Wow, the pressure really must have gotten to
Rupert this week!" remarks a disingenuous Dan
Bull, as the media mogul launches a tirade of
abuse from the press conference podium.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Murdoch_freaks_out
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: FUCK MURDOCH IN THE EYE
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Throw away your Sky box and get a 3view £299 PVR
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: HELP GET SWEDE MASON IN THE CHARTS
Buttery bass set for chart domination
Swede's making a bid to get in the charts and
he'll need our help if it's going to work.
They've been playing 'Masterchef Synesthesia'
(the buttery biscuit bass masterpiece) on Radio
1, XFM, Capital... all over, really. Single is
out on the 31st of July. Join the Facebook group.
http://goo.gl/ivZrX
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Road Trip
Last week we asked for your journeys that were
more interesting than the destination.
http://b3ta.com/questions/roadtrip/
Here are three excellent car journeys:
* YELLOW - "My Nan & Grandad used to love taking
little me and my littler brother off to Tiptree
to pick strawberries, on the basis that it must
be where the best strawberries come from because
it's where they make the jam. Old people logic.
So one sunny Saturday, off we go, me and my
brother playing in the back, no seat belts or
car seats required for kids back then. Grandad
concentrating on driving and Nan dozing in the
passsanger seat. And the picnic bag sat on the
floor in front of me, behind the drivers seat...
Tiptree arrived, the blankets and chairs were
fetched from the boot by Grandad while Nan
opened the back doors of the car to start making
the sandwiches (she always made them when we
arrived, not before we left home.) "Oh, I think
I forgot to pack the butter," she said, leaning
in to pick me out of the seat... just as I decided
to vomit a greasy, yellow, rancid, dairy-filled
projectile all over her, the door, the seat, the
floor and myself. She hadn't forgotten to pack
the butter." (scarpe)
* THE HEARSE - "Faced with a growing family, my
dad brought a giant Peugeot 505 with extra seats
in the boot. It was painted jet black and looked
like a hearse. We couldn't go anywhere without
having the Addams Family theme tune shouted at
us. The electrics were presumably installed on a
Friday afternoon: it possessed electric windows
but it was a total gamble as to what would
happen. Driving back from the West Country after
a holiday, we were baking hot and my sister
committed the most heinous of crimes; touching
the electric window button. My dad screamed "How
many times must I tell you children NEVER to
touch the windows? I had to take the car to the
garage to get that closed the last time you
played with it." "But Daaaaad it's hooootttt."
My dad opened the sunroof instead, the only
reliable part of the car. All was well until it
started to rain, buckets of freezing English
summer rain. Pressing the button to close the
sunroof only produced a dismal, grinding sound.
It refused to budge. The rain only fell harder.
Me and my Mum spent the journey holding floor
mats over the gaping hole in the roof, getting
shouted at if we let any water in. Eventually we
pulled up to the house with tired arms, frayed
nerves and sore throats from shouting at each
other. As the car idled in the driveway there
was a 'clunk' and wordlessly the whole family
watched as the sunroof purred into place and
locked shut. We sold it next week for something
more economical, reliable and, it has to be
said, dull." (willenium)
* AIN'T GETTING ME ON NO PLANE - "I was having
dinner with a friend in Toronto who was umming
and ahhing about the cost of a flight to a
family reunion in Florida. A friend leaned
across the table and suggested she, "just drive
there." On being told, in no uncertain terms,
that To/Fla is over 2000km, her friend scoffed
and announced that her parents used to drive her
family there in hours. On being shown an atlas
and given a stern lecture in geography, she
started to doubt herself and called her Mum, who
calmly informed her that the reason she thought
that the other side of the continent was only a
couple of hours away was that, as children,
they'd routinely been drugged insensible prior
to the marathon, thirty-hour journey." (pounana)
>> This Week's Question <<
Starting to lose your faculties? Can't quite
remember what you came into the room for? It's
OK. Pull up a Werthers Original and talk to us
here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/losingit/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Fuck the super-rich <<
Instead of doing something useful like, say,
opening an education trust, this
multi-billionaire has written his name in big
letters so you can see it from space. Actually,
considering the Shuttle has been cancelled and
we're returning to the Dark Ages, it's only a few
lonely satellites and Google Earth that can see
it. He didn't even choose a classy font - missing
the perfect opportunity to infuriate graphic
designers the world over by using Comic Sans.
http://goo.gl/pSr7T
>> Drill here to destroy hard drive <<
A dead useful sticker: if only Rebekah Wade had
owned one, her husband wouldn't have had to
go pissing about in car parks.
http://goo.gl/El8qA
>> My unfinished novels <<
Nope, don't worry, you don't have to read loads
of crappy half-finished novels but, instead,
browse the pathetic excuses people have written
about why they gave up. Depressing.
http://www.myunfinishednovels.com
>> Magaluf - worst clubbing ever <<
For some reason somebody sent a Vice reporter to
a club in Magaluf. His brief was to cover the
musician who left the Black-Eyed Peas before
they actually made some money. This is what he
actually came up with: evidence that humanity is
truly fucked.
http://goo.gl/wk06t
>> Schwarzenegger makes "awoooooga" noises <<
Remember ytmnd? It's still funny.
http://eeuauaughhhuauaahh.ytmnd.com/
>> Wearing the same clothes as someone else <<
Every girl's nightmare. And ours.
http://ilikelookinglikeotherpeople.tumblr.com/
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like YouTube but with missing buttons
>> Planet Of The Apes vs Benny Benassi <<
This is brilliant - it even has a storyline!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Planet_Of_The_Apes_VS_Be...
>> It's SATURDAY NIGHT!! <<
DJ Kitty and the cats tear it up MASSIVE!!!
Excellently-done viral from Go-Cat. And, so this
doesn't look like product placement, can we just
say GO-CAT TASTES OF AIDS. Now hopefully the
marketing people won't be able to cut and paste
this into their "successful campaign"
presentation.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Its_SATURDAY_NIGHT
>> Rebekah Brooks/Rebecca Black <<
There's News International staff watching this
right now going, "this is def the work of one of
our rivals," and still not getting quite how much
Murdoch has pissed off the public.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Homophobic joke Friends super cut <<
Every single gay joke from Friends edited
together to make a point about homophobic
attitudes in mainstream media. It's great stuff
- we were utterly conflicted between the point the
edit is making and the fact that some of the jokes are
funny. 45 mins long and we watched every minute.
http://goo.gl/hFhvL
>> Dubstep lip synch. <<
If you've got an Apple you'll know there's a
Photo Box app that morphs your face up in
realtime. Nice idea for a lip sync. Some band
should nick it for a cheap video.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Dubstep_lip_synch
>> Dave Grohl kicks bloke out of gig <<
Awesome moment where Grohl stops the music and
swears a lot. In fact, so much swearing our 2 year
old started shouting "fuck off" and we realised
that we are really very bad parents.
http://goo.gl/osN2k
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Still not funny, but here anyway
* NEW B3TA HQ? - go to picture number five.
http://goo.gl/jP0Z6
* SURNAMES IN WONDERFUL COMBINATION - let's hope
they hyphenate.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Made_in_heaven
* TIMES ARE HARD - and odd things are for sale.
http://transitionculture.org/2011/07/15/tomato-any...
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: HORN PLAYERS WANTED FOR VIDEO
Kitten and the Hip are looking for horn players
to film themselves playing along to their track
Don't You Worry. Film it on a phone. Msg
@ashleyslater247 if you want to get involved &
and listen to the track on soundcloud:
http://soundcloud.com/kittenandthehip
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Manly Challenge
Last week we wanted you to create the manliest
picture on the internet. Your most testosteroney
included:
* OLIVER - boozehound actor in fiery condiment
promotion (The Hedgehog From Hell)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10477980
* AAAAAGH - motorbike explosion uni-brow biceps
scream (tatars)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10478256
* KNOCKOUT - boxer Manny Pacquiao smacks lion in
the face, and that's just the beginning
(artistic us)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10478482
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/manly/
>> New challenge: Owls <<
This week's challenge is a one-word affair:
owls. Why? Because they're amazing, and also
because they look a bit weird and sinister
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/owls/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* ADAM CURTIS EXPLAINED - remember that Curtis
parody of a few months back? Want to know the
back story? Of course you do.
http://benwoodhams.wordpress.com/2011/06/30/going-...
* SKY NEWS BLOCKS FOXNEWSUK - notfig writes,
"Further to the FoxNewsUK link - I work for Sky
and that website is blocked as a 'security risk'
on our internet... I wonder how long until I can
no longer read the Guardian?"
* CAR WITH B3TAN STICKER ON IT - check the
progress!
http://www.teamherdingcats.blogspot.com
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: FRIDAY GAME
Save the world by typing fast
Neat little shoot-em-up typing game. Has explosions.
http://www.phoboslab.org/ztype/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* CAMELFINDR.COM - @dotmund requests, "someone
should design a website where you put your
postcode in and BLAM: tells you where the
nearest camel is"
* HAVETHEYRESIGNED.COM/??? - consilidate all
those "resigned" sites into one where users can
add a name after the slash to create their own.
* DIY ROSE WINE - we reckon cheap rose wine
tastes like Ribena. Can you create your own
rose wine from Ribena, vodka and lighter fuel?
Do a taste test.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by via R. Jimlad,
Nostrebor, James Beswick, @superallan, WiL,
@jamesthegill, @bounder, Yoofaloof, Stashie, Top
Tippery by A Vagabond. Additional linkage and
image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is
QOTW bloke. Subjlols via An Eagle in Your Mind.
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TOP TIP:
Make people think you've died by never answering
the door or leaving the house.
