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NEWSLETTER: "PICKETING THE INTERNET SINCE 2001"

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This Week:
* LIONS - Why are they lions?
* BLACKBOARDS - in porn
* JULIA ROBERTS - frightens dogs

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |     "We're cutting the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 499 - 7 Oct 2011

Read this issue in the voice of Doogie Howser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue499/

       Friends:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
         Dicks:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  Street Cleaning Simulator

  Ok - we're linking this because A. we have no
  ad, B. it's a funny idea for a game and C. it
  has silly reviews that are worth a giggle:  
  
  "I am writing this review on my phone from a
  hospital bed. I was rushed here after collapsing
  from dehydration and exhaustion, after a 72 hour
  stretch of playing this game without pause. If i
  am fated to die, i will do so smiling from ear
  to ear, with the calmness of an ocean breeze,
  knowing that i have cleaned my digital streets
  and banished forever, the spectre of chewing gum
  from my dreams."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0051NPKS8/b3ta-21
 
 
  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  6 things! Half a dozen things! Woo!

  >> I'm a lion because... <<
  "Nobody knows why lions are lions," claims
  timoncheese. "So I asked people why lions are
  lions and used a hand-puppet to deliver their
  answers." Just a charming slice of pure
  silliness.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Im_a_Lion_because


  >> Apple iPhone <<
  "Here's a quick, dirty edit of the new ad," says
  Rusty Shackleford. "Introducing Siri." Quick off
  the mark, dirty as promised.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Apple_iphone


  >> Sir Ian Bowler on the Party Conferences <<
  "More poorly-framed, fat-headed nonsense from
  me," blusters Sir Ian Bowler alter ego Natt.
http://goo.gl/JPQby


  >> Wall Street Spirit <<
  Dan Bull writes, "If you haven't seen my music
  video for #occupywallstreet, here it is.
  Recognise the sample?" Indeed we do, Dan, for
  it's none other than little Thommy Yorke and his
  Radioheads. 
http://t.co/fsxihqIE


  >> Magic Carpet <<
  "We go on a magic carpet ride!" chirrups
  Ornsack. This made us happy. Then? It made us a
  little bit sad.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Magic_Carpet


  >> You and Me and Walt Disney <<
  "It's a cryogenic love song by Helen Arney,"
  enthuses HappyToast, "and I made the video!"
  Cracking stuff, with the talented Mr Toast on
  fine form. Give him his own animated series!
  Even if it's only on BBC3.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/You_and_Me_and_Walt_Disney


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: COORS LIGHT BRIBE 
  We linky stuff for beer
  
  Our friend Natasha got in touch to ask us to
  pimp a Coors Light campaign featuring Jean
  Claude Van Damme. We asked, "Will you pay us?"
  She said, "In beer. With 72 bottles of delicious,
  ice-cold beer." We thought... beer, we like beer.
  SOLD!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NjD074okg00


-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Crap Gadgets

  Last week asked for stories about your duffest
  technology purchases. Read them all here on your
  Amstrad Em@iler:
http://b3ta.com/questions/crapgadgets/

  * BOOM - "Back in the mid 80's, my parents used
  to do a lot of shopping at Bookers cash & carry.
  As well as food items in amazing bulk sizes
  they'd also sell 'odd' items on special, a bit
  like ALDI do. Random items, usually from China.
  On my brother's birthday Mum returned armed with
  a round cardboard tube with a wick at the
  bottom, marked 'PARTY BOMB'. The idea was
  simple. A firework full of plastic toys. Light
  the fuse, a bit of a bang, flying toys, happy
  kids. Easy. Mum lights the fuse and makes
  everyone stand well back. there's a moment of
  quiet and then BOOOOOMMM!!! The fucker explodes
  with amazing force and, as promised, the toys
  are blown out. Unfortunately the firework is so
  powerful that most of them are blown into
  splinters. What's left hits the ceiling and
  shatters. About 10% survive intact. A week later
  and a news report confirms that we were one of
  the lucky groups to escape with our eyes. What
  better way to celebrate your eleventh birthday
  than with a perspex shrapnel grenade?" (The
  Togaboy)
	 
  * BEEP BOOP - "My typical cleaning session goes:
  Recover Henry from cupboard. Plug in. Hoover
  round the flat, pausing to move the occasional
  rug or chair. Put Henry back in cupboard. Make
  tea. My mate's goes: Program robot to start a
  hoovering cycle. Try to find out why it hasn't
  moved. Wonder why it hasn't got any battery
  charge. Jiggle robot and base station around
  until former starts charging from the latter. Go
  out. Come back home to find the robot has
  managed to clean a 14 foot by 6 inch L-shaped
  section of carpet. Plug all the cables back in
  the television where the robot has attacked
  them. Supervise the robot as it trundles round
  the lounge, rescuing it from furniture and
  ledges. Tidy up yet more cables. Watch the robot
  suddenly cease trundling and zoom back to base,
  only to stop 3 inches short and make a sad
  beeping noise before shutting down. Go and get
  the backup hoover and do all the bits the robot
  missed. Wish there was time to make tea. I'm
  sure they are amazing triumphs of human
  ingenuity and AI... but they'd be more honestly
  sold not as vacuum cleaners, but as devices
  capable of finding the nearest shoe and beaching
  themselves on it with improbable efficiency."
  (Timberwolf)
	 
  * WOOF - "My cat kept shitting in my cheeseplant
  pot so I bought a proximity-activated robo guard
  dog to bark at him if he went near it. Came home
  and he'd crapped all over robo dog's head. Sold
  it for a fiver at a bootfair. There were still
  some brown bits in the crevices." (pobblepop)


  >> This Week's Question - Iffy Crushes <<
  Who's the toff you'd like to boff, the slag
  you'd like to shag, the ugly you'd like to, erm,
  bump uglies with? Confess all here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/iffycrushes/


-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Blackboards in porn - accurate? <<
  Some of our readers won't know about porn. 
  It's basically films of people having sex and
  tolerated by the authorities as it keep you
  fwapping at your laptop instead of causing
  trouble in society. As recording under 18s
  having sex is illegal, pornographers will often
  stick adult women in a school situation to
  suggest the material is illicit and more
  exciting than it actually is. Some maths fans
  have happily seen past this and have written
  analysis of the equations that pop up in the
  back of scenes.
http://blackboardsinporn.blogspot.com


  >> Bullseye contestants <<
  We've never consciously sat through an episode of
  Bullseye but we believe it's some sort of TV
  darts show where an old man who looks like he
  smells of pipe tobacco said, "super smashing
  great" a lot. You could possibly win a jet boat
  - but that might have been 3-2-1. Anyway,
  someone is generating cheap lols by taking grabs
  of the audience. 
http://bullseyecontestants.tumblr.com


  >> Sweet idea for your parents' birthday <<
  Do you have an ageing parent? Then get loads of
  people from their past to write letters
  describing a memory of them. Not only will you
  blow their mind, you might learn something about
  your parents too. Lovely.
http://nothingbutbonfires.com/2011/06/sixty-years-memories


  >> Dealing with puberty, in the style of Dr Seuss <<
  Although thankfully not called "Green eggs and cum".
http://bit.ly/pJ76gx


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  If digital radio had images. Just imagine.

  * DOG SCARED OF JULIA ROBERTS - her large mouth
  confuses the doggy brain into thinking they've
  seen a wolf.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RtT9X4eT_Ss


  * NICE PAPER RIPPY TECHNIQUE - Make film, print
  out every frame, rip the main character out,
  stick it back together stop motion style. 
http://www.vimeo.com/25777821


  * YOUTUBE TRANSLATE LOLS - film sketch, let
  YouTube machine translate the dialogue, re-film
  resulting dialogue.
http://youtu.be/23H8IdaS3tk


  * FLOPPY DISKS PLAYING THE IMPERIAL MARCH -
  We've been sent this so many times we've finally
  given in, even though we thought we'd seen it
  years ago.
http://goo.gl/4k55b


  * BARACK OBAMA LIP SYNC - if you turn off the
  audio on a video track, it's possible with a bit
  of work to match absolute nonsense to the lips.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ehYoIKTsiV0 


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  UKHouseOfLords

  Ok, not a funny name but, if you squint and
  concentrate on the background, the
  @UKHouseOfLords profile pic is a big pair of
  flaps. 
http://twitter.com/UKHouseOfLords


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  merchandise for unlikely films

  Last week we wanted merchandise for films that
  normally wouldn't have merchandise. It turned
  out to be a minor classic of B3ta challenges -
  films always work and asking for explicitly bad
  taste subversion works too. Hooray!

  Your favourites included:
 
  * BOY IN THE STRIPED PAJAMAS - the transfer
  tattoo kit. (Bela Lugosi's Dad)
http://b3ta.com/board/10554849

  * THE ACCUSED - Pinball machine. (SonofRojBlake)
http://b3ta.com/board/10554610

  * FIGHT CLUB - Wii game. (Clay)
http://b3ta.com/board/10555772

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/mechandiseforunlikelyfilms/


  >> This week: If dinosaurs were still alive <<
  Imagine if dinosaurs were still alive... The
  meat counter at Tescos might have more variety,
  a walk in the forest might be a bit scary but at
  least the safari parks would be fun. Our ideas
  are shit this is why it's a challenge for you.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/moderndinosaurs/popular/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * PROSTITUTE CRITIQUE - eieicq writes, "In
  newsletter 495 you linked to Shouting at Cows'
  selection of prostitute reviews from Punternet.
  Here is what actual prostitutes think about the
  page. Interesting to get that perspective." 
http://www.saafe.info/main/index.php?topic=6617.0

  * BACON JAM - the_wodon writes, "As requested, I
  made meat jam." He he, so he did, but no word on
  whether it's tasty or not.
http://i.imgur.com/wnMLn.jpg

  * BACON JAM 2 - but Speshal writes, "It's
  lovely."
http://goo.gl/Kcw1


-------------------------------------------------

: "STEVE JOBS IS DEAD" CORNER

  Our favourite comment on his death comes from
  @serafinowicz who tweeted, "I hope in Jobs' will
  he instructs Apple to give all the assembly
  workers in China decent wages&conditions. (Sent
  from my iPhone)."

  This is the problem with eulogising Jobs, he was
  visionary in his products but not in his
  manufacturing. Outsourcing might be standard but
  it's part of the mess the West is in.
   
  But if you like your tributes to be hagiography*
  then check here:
http://goo.gl/P8JF1

  Also we started getting loads of Jobs photoshops
  on the board so we've collected them up into a
  side challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/stevejobsrip/popular/

  * The study of the saints. It's a cool word, we
  can't pronounce it mind. I.i..iiitf. Oh whatever.


-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * NEW BUSINESS PLAN -  Patent your DNA. Break
  into sperm bank and leave 'deposit'. Sue mothers
  for infringing your copyright.

  * A VIRUS THAT MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE TO OPEN THE
  DAILYMAIL - let's have Trojan horses written for
  the good of humanity.

  * EARWAX CANDLES - we don't mean that
  alternative Chinese medicine stuff, but actually
  collecting your own earwax and making candles
  from it. That's our kind of aromatherapy.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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-------------------------------------------------


  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @paulcnelson,
  @mattkitson, @Matt_Muir, pjqmoyqr,
  @IamHappyToast, @mattround, @codepo8,
  Bootsthealchemist, @maqusan. Additional linkage
  and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike
  Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via Trogdos.
  
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  TOP TIP:
  Want to have someone's kettle spouting foam
  but not taint their tea with a soapy tang? A
  splash of milk in the water will do the same job.
  (mugwump)
  
  TOP TIP 2:
  I have a top tip for you: Done a really smelly
  poo at work? Make sure you leave the toilet seat
  up so the next person in thinks it must have
  been the person before you! (ben.clokie)

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