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NEWSLETTER: "WHAT'S WOOLLY AND BUILDING THREE BOMBS? BAA BAA MEINHOF"

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This Week:
* AMAZING PROJECTS - Nick Griffin Puppet!
* STASI HUMOUR - East German jokes
* PICS - Ugly Renaissance Babies 

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___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|      web... for pudding"

B3ta email 506 - 24 Nov 2011

Read this issue to Siri, you silly billy:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue506/

  Fresh breath:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Semen breath:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  War on Terror boardgame app 

  It took over a year to develop, but the app
  version of our mischief-making board game "War
  on Terror" is available for iPhone and iPod
  today. Get it while you can because we do have
  a nasty habit of being banned.
http://goo.gl/JWRLC


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Other than making their wills

  >> People parking like cunts <<
  "Me and a mate started this blog a month or so
  ago," writes Fray Brentos. "Now we have it in a
  suitable size and shape to begin sharing it
  around. Spamcunts be damned - I've been here for
  ages!" NSFW for swears.
http://youparklikeacunt.tumblr.com/


  >> Orangutan stunt <<
  Seeing a silly man on a Tube train thrashing
  around to some late 80s pop music is kind of
  funny and this is obviously for charity so we
  shouldn't really be mean about it. But if we
  found ourselves stuck in a crowded carriage
  with this fuckwit first thing in the morning,
  the obvious response would be to tar and
  feather him, set fire to his fluffy costume
  and throw him in the Thames for good measure.
  Or just nervously look at the floor.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DgbsSMo69Oo


  >> Optic Trumps  <<
  "So I made a Top Trumps set based on eye-glasses
  of the rich and famous," writes Wildyles. "I
  finally stumped up the cash to get a print run
  done, so if you would like a copy then let me
  know." An unusual but nicely-executed idea and
  a perfect gift for all your four-eyed family
  members this Christmas.
http://www.optictrumps.co.uk/


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: SPONSORED LINK NUMBER TWO! HOORAY!
  #1 Xmas Record

  "The greatest Christmas single of all time,"
  according to a website. This is the 4th annual
  re-release of Language of Prairie Dogs' Xmas
  song, 'Lone Giant'. It's already been
  downloaded by over 30 people! There are some
  7"s left over from last year too, if anyone
  wants. Thanks for listening and, please, tell
  your friends.
http://bit.ly/Number1XmasRecord


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Amazing projects

  Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
  and lies into one handy place on the interweb.

  Last week we asked for projects. Not the most
  replies we've ever got but the quality was
  very high indeed. Gosh you are a creative
  bunch. We'd be proud to share a shed with you.
  We suggest you read the lot, including people
  who build scale models of the moon (with
  pictures), an amazing scalextrix and someone
  who made a life-size Spitting Image-style
  puppet head of Nick Griffin. Respect.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/amazingprojects/

 
  >> This Week: Put-Downs <<
  What's the best heckle/putdown/riposte you've
  ever seen, heard or been on the wrong end of? 
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/putdowns/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Women's Hour has gone downhill <<
  We all sniggered at the plummy-voiced old dear
  trilling: "I'm just amazed he TOSSED it
  without making a mess." Let's hope she really
  was referring to a salad and not Jeremy
  Clarkson.
http://goo.gl/BlwR3


  >> Ugly Renaissance Babies <<
  Only a mother could love them. Or a 16th
  century painter.
http://uglyrenaissancebabies.tumblr.com


  >> My fucking name is: <<
  This collection of rants will strike a chord
  with anyone whose name's been misspelled by
  people who should know better - such as
  teachers writing your school report. Yes, we
  mean you, Mrs. Denton. We haven't forgotten.
http://myfuckingnameis.tumblr.com/


  >> Pedestrian rollercoaster <<
  Loving this German roller coaster-style
  walkway, which also works as a sculpture. It's
  functional but fantastic and we want one now.
http://t.co/07SZX7jK


  >> East German humour <<
  Last year Paul Chambers got busted for making
  a gag on Twitter about blowing up an airport.
  We all thought that was terrible but, in East
  Germany, getting nicked for making jokes was
  common. This fact gives these seemingly-safe
  bits of humour a bit of an edge.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/East_Germany_jokes


  >> Amusing eBay thing <<
  Yes, this really was on eBay. Keep reading -
  the details are delicious.
http://www.bitbroken.com/2011/11/it-smells-of-death/


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like a cracked laser disc that needs cleaning
  
  >> Benson benson benson BENSOOON BENSOOOOON!!! <<
  The panicked deer clip that's everywhere this
  week - including useless reports on local news.
  It would be remiss not to link to it and/or get
  the dog's name wrong.
http://goo.gl/Nu6LT

  Not forgetting the million parody remixes:
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Jurassic_Benton


  >> Trololol stretched 800% <<
  Eduard Khil's slowly smiling face makes us
  think of the notorious installation where
  artist Douglas Gordon extended Hitchcock movie
  Psycho for 24hrs. Do this with porn and make
  your own Sting sex tape.
http://goo.gl/7Y6B5


  >> Arnie fucking loves Total Recall <<
  The actual commentary track off of Total
  Recall with all of director Paul
  Verhoeven's contributions edited out,
  leaving only Arnie, pointlessly describing
  everything we can see. It's like a movie from
  a parallel universe where the visuals are
  great but the scripts are piss-poor. Like
  every Michael Bay film ever.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Arnie_Fucking_Loves_Total_Recall


  >> The man who makes things fly <<
  "My friend Rupert," writes skeltonator, "is a
  bit of an insane genius. As a result he has
  this compunction to invent mad stuff - for
  example, a flying barbecue and a flying 
  washing machine." Magical.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_man_who_makes_things_fly


  >> Toilet sketch <<
  We loved this clip from the Irish TV show "Your
  Bad Self" that reveals what can happen if
  you're caught short on a car journey. Ew.
http://t.co/fzxZ8WoQ


  >> Carlsberg stunt <<
  Sitting next to the scary person in the cinema
  is never fun and we felt for the couples
  forced to share their night at the flicks with
  a crowd of menacing, leather-clad bikers.
  Fortunately, it turns out to be worth it in the
  end.
http://t.co/9kVCitxZ


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Two for the price of zero

  * SPANISH LOLS - valentin.lagunilla writes,
    "Only in Spain!!!"
http://www.scat.es

  * THE HUMAN SANTAPEDE - the Xmas card all the
    idiots will be sending this year:
http://twitpic.com/3ipmek


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Misplaced Props Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to take a prop from one
  film and insert it into another

  Your favourites included:

  * ARNIE - "Ell-i-ott? I'll be back." (E Dubya)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10605161

  * BEAN - continuity error as British Leyland
  Mini 1000 appears in the Italian Job
  Smallbrainfield)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10605503

  * EWOK - Ice Cold on Endor (Ninj)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10605310

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/props/


  >> New challenge: Spoons <<
  This week's challenge is an elegant, simple,
  one-word affair: Spoons. Your job is to
  celebrate their magnificence. Challenge
  inspired by Smash Monkey.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/spoons/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * FAN MAIL - DOMINICK LAGRECA writes, "THIS
  EMAILS I GET FROM YOU ARE AWESOME. ILOVE TO
  OPEN THEM AND LAUGH AT SOME OF THEM. WERE AND
  HOW DO THEY KET THE IDEAS TO MAKE SUCH A
  WEBSITE?AND WERE IS EVERYONE FROM? THANK YOU."

  * SANTACON - 5ifty0 writes, "Hi B3ta, the last
  time I sent you a message was nearly a year
  ago asking you to mention SantaCon in the
  weekly newsletter and thanks for doing so!
  With this in mind, on behalf of the entire
  SantaCon(gregation?) I officially invite you
  to take part in this year's activities - which
  are going to be fucking awesome. I'll buzz you
  with another request to put it into the
  newsletter on the 9th, because SantaCon is on
  the 10th this year. If you see a giant red
  Halo-esque Spartan (a.k.a Santa 117) that'll
  be me - would be great to get some more b3tans
  in on the action this year! Cheers!"


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * AN OFF SWITCH FOR TWITTER - we recently did
  two weeks off and felt much more cheerful for it.

  * THE CONCENTRATION SPAN TO READ BOOKS AGAIN -
  the bloke who wrote "The Shallows" is right,
  or we think he's right but our phone started
  bleeping after chapter two and we didn't
  finish it.

  * A USE FOR WET CAT FOOD - we've got about 200
  packets of the stuff and the smell of it makes
  the official B3ta wife vomit so we can't feed
  the cat with it. Any ideas?

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by some awful cunt &
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by
  @thesaharadesert, timoncheese, Tim Whitwell,
  @DFLamont krang, PointlessCamel, Ysol, WiL,
  @brokenscience, @martin_gleeson &
  @PGJMatthews. Top Tippery by SonoraAeroClub.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  

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  TOP TIP:
  Pretend you are a Premier League footballer by
  drawing all over one of your arms in Biro.

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