NEWSLETTER: "BOB HOLNESS: NUS DECLARES WEEK OF MOURNING"
This Week:
* PINGU - Claymation horror
* RAMPAGE - Cement mixer runs amok
* QUESTIONS - Tons of your comments and stories
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____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web...
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | on big servers so the
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B3ta email 510 - 6 Jan 2011
Print this issue on your till roll, hipster:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue510/
Sexy: [email protected]
Unsexy: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Guitar pick maker
If you play guitar you know the irritation of
not being able to find a guitar plectrum.
We've tried substituting coins, like Brian May
does, but they sound horrible. Here's a great
alternative - make picks out of your old
credit card.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B004SHGBD...
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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Today is Women's Christmas - an Irish tradition
where men do the housework for the day, and
girls go out on the lash and vomit up a kebab.
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Other than making bombs to kill Tories
>> Pingu vs. The Thing: Thingu <<
Claymation body horror with everyone's
favourite Swiss penguin. Leehardcastle ladles
on the gore like an explosion in a Jackson
Pollock factory.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Pingus_THE_THING
>> Lean on the Wind <<
"Arnie should record more poetry," reckons
swedemason, indicating this moving scene from
Kindergarten Cop. Like watching bad movies on
acid. Isn't that the real meaning of Christmas?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Lean_on_the_wind:3
>> Transformers Trilogy: Abridged! <<
"If you like explosions, you should probably
watch all three Transformers' films at half the
speed so all those explosions are ten times the
intended intensity," advises woahbot, wisely.
Failing that, you'll have a better experience
with his own, severely cut-down and drunkenly
narrated version.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Transformers_trilogy_Abr...
>> Black Moon's Christmas 2011 <<
"This is how my Christmas went," writes Black
Moon. Remind us to avoid him around his
birthday.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Black_Moons_Christmas_20...
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK BEFORE THE WEEK BEFORE LAST
Your Weird Rituals
Following the disturbing revelation that Prime
Minister of this small island holds in his
piss in order to concentrate on pissing off
the whole of Europe, we asked what you lot did
regularly:
http://b3ta.com/questions/weirdrituals/
* SEX FACTOR - "I count out the rhythm of any
sexual activity by resolving the dates of
famous historical events into their prime
factors. So the Battle of Hastings is 14101066
which resolves to 2 x 7 x 773 x 1303. But I'm
only allowed to climax when the event has
three or fewer factors. So Henry VIII took the
throne on 21 April 1509 which is 19 x 269 x
419. Bingo. Moneyshot. If there is only one
factor then I allow myself to defecate while I
ejaculate. Which is why I love JFK." (Dr.
Shambolic)
* TEA. HOT. - "Whenever I get a hot beverage
from a vending machine I always say the name
of what I'm ordering in the style of Captain
Picard and pretend that the vending machine is
a replicator." (WormuIus)
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK BEFORE LAST
Killed to Death
Whilst we were in a jolly christmassy mood
we wanted to know what you'd terminated:
http://b3ta.com/questions/killedtodeath/
* PIGEON - "On the way home from work, my wife
calls, distraught and sobbing. I pulled over
and thought 'Oh shit, who's dead?' Tried to
get her to calm down and, finally, after about
5 minutes, she began to tell me. The cat
brought in a big pigeon but hadn't slotted the
bastard. It was honking its head off half
flapping around the room. My missus, concerned
for its welfare elected to put the
blood-soaked wobble-headed twat out of its
misery. New to this, she didn't know the best
way to do it, but something in her head told
her to put on a pair of rubber gloves, pick
the bluntest knife in the drawer and attempt
to saw its head off. On contact, it went
mental, feathers flying everywhere, as if
Starsky, Hutch, Smokey, the Bandit AND the
A-Team had driven through stacked boxes of
chickens. Eventually, after a long, drawn-out
decapitation, she spent an hour cleaning the
blood-and-feather murder scene, sobbing her
heart out. Throughout this, I was doing that
laughing silently on the other end of the
phone, tears rolling down my face, trying make
the occasional 'mmm' noise and tutting. After
I told her she should have just twatted it
hard against the wall, she really started
wailing and asked 'Do you think I made it
suffer?' I burst out laughing and, when I got
home, a cold shoulder was forthcoming and
there was no sex to be had." (Spaff_Quaffer)
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Heroes and Villains of 2011
We did this for 2010 and it was great, so we
asked for your heroes and villains of 2011.
There's too many to list, so read them online:
http://b3ta.com/questions/heroes2011/
>> This Week's Question - BOOKS FOR 2012 <<
We like books. We love books. Tell us about
your favourite books and authors, and why
they are so good or need chucking out of
a moving train:
http://b3ta.com/questions/books2012/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Scotch whisky in a can <<
Eight shots of whisky in a non-resealable can.
Can't foresee that going wrong.
http://goo.gl/wmO7k
>> File-sharing religion <<
The Swedish government has just officially
recognised the Missionary Church of Kopimism
as a legitimate religion. Since Kopimism is
based on freely copying and sharing
information, it'll be interesting to see what
the legal ramifications are for file-sharers.
http://goo.gl/aueZX
>> Goths up trees <<
Quality photos of goths in the wild. They've
clambered into the forest canopy to feast on
their main prey; red wine and clove
cigarettes.
http://gothsuptrees.tumblr.com/
>> Learn to code this year <<
If you're still stuck for a new year's
resolution, why not join the ranks of the
nerderati? A wonderful meme to spread - learn
some shit man, don't just consume pictures of
funny kittens.
http://codeyear.com
>> Sack Boris Oyster card wallets <<
London Mayor BoJo's latest fare rises have
driven the price up by 50% since he gained
power. Celebrate the occasion with
'commemorative' Oyster wallets. BTW, we would
like one with a decal of his face, so you're
stuffing the card down his enormous throat.
http://sackboris2012.com/fares/
>> So Solid Crew band member list <<
Wikipedia's epic and fully-inclusive listing
of every individual fortunate enough to be a
member of the legendary urban music
collective. No longer on wiki, due to the
trifling detail of it not being true.
http://t.co/Cz7CGVmB
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Imagine if paintings could move. And talk.
>> How blind people cook <<
In case you've ever wondered, this guy shows
you how to cook when blind (and also quite
drunk).
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Rampaging cement mixer <<
Surprisingly funny vid of builders attempting
to corral an out-of-control machine. Improved
the snarky comments of the blokes filming it
from their window.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/722233
>> Old-school shuffling <<
The joy of flash loops. People should do more
flash loops. The internet was good in 2001.
http://t.co/KKULAc9M
>> Bullfrog plays Ant Crusher <<
Much like the iPhone-playing lizard recently
featured, this frog enjoys games based on
killing insects. However, he doesn't like
interruptions.
http://goo.gl/PeImh
>> How to make a mini stove <<
Potentially life-saving tips, if you find
yourself without a cooker but with two cans of
fizzy pop, a stanley knife and some
dangerously volatile anti-freeze.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/How_to_make_a_mini_stove
>> CUTE/FUNNY CATS ARE OVER <<
And who better to tell us this, than a funny
cat on the internet?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/YES:16
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Hats Challenge
Last week we wanted you to celebrate hats
Your favourites included:
* HESELTINE - magnificently storyboarded
old-skool game bonanza (shiro kuma)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10646357
* RHETT - seminal movie farewell millinery
expansion joy (The Twisted Omentum)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10646030
* WIND - glorious dog risk storm adventure
animation (E Dubya)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10646614
All these images, and the highest as voted
by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/morehats/
>> New challenge: The Jubilee Stamp <<
A series of special stamps will be
released throughout 2012 to mark the
Queen's Diamond Jubilee. They'll be
shite. Your job is to design some
magnificent alternatives. Challenge
suggested by The Twisted Omentum
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/jubileestamp/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* YOUR PISSY EMAILS - Young Master Ploppy
writes, 'A follow-up on the "estimating your
piss" challenge in this week's newsletter.
It's totally possible to fill 2 pint glasses
in one standing; I've done it. The trick is to
be at altitude and not fully acclimatised yet.
In the darkest depths of a desperately cold
night in Nepal (minus 24C *inside*, never mind
outside) this January, I shuddered out of my
sleeping bag and grabbed for my 1-litre
glow-in-the-dark nalgene piss bottle, praying
it would be quick so I could get my gloves
back on and dive back into the bag... No such
luck. I pissed and pissed and pissed some
more, filling the entire bottle without a
pause and even having to choke it off at the
end to avoid a nasty overspill. Then stuck the
top back on the bottle and slept with its
welcoming warmth around my freezing cold bum
until morning. Never have I cuddled up to warm
piss with such enthusiasm.'
* MORE BOARD GAME MASHUPS - Trivial Chesssuit
writes, "A few years ago, at
The-Pub-With-No-Name, Hampshire I invented
Trivial Per-Jenga. Get a question wrong and
you have to take a block out and place it on
the top. Play passes to the right. Beautifully
simple and most entertaining."
* THAT WHISTLER GUY VIDEO IN THE NEWSLETTER
LAST YEAR REDUBBED - oh for the lols.
http://goo.gl/U11lJ
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: FRIDAY GAME
Two-way game action
* GREEK PUNISHMENT GAME - In Greek mythology,
Sisyphus was a king punished by being
compelled to roll an immense boulder up a
hill, only to watch it roll back down, and to
repeat this throughout eternity. Now imagine
that as an 8-bit flash game.
http://goo.gl/n5C9R
* PAPER PRINTY-OUT BOARD GAMES - @jingies
writes, "free make-it-yourself board games.
Played over Christmas, and Spree is great fun."
http://bit.ly/ykVgyL
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* STEPHEN HAWKING ON TWITTER. It would only
take a couple of extra lines of code.
Everything he says. In realtime. On twitter.
* CASHPOINT EASTER EGGS - @NLi10 writes,
"Typing an amount of money to withdraw into a
ATM not divisible by 5 tells you how much is
left in the machine." Sounds like bollocks to
us but can anyone confirm this?
* LONGEST TROLL PAY-OFF EVER - Can we start a
big cult to say the world is going to end in
2050? Just to, you know, troll our grandkids?
* SHEPHERD'S DELIGHT - cook a delicious mix of
Shepherd's Pie and Angel Delight. Yum.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Sexy time: [email protected]
Fighty time: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @mattround,
Amorous Badger, churchillbenj, Herb Alpert's
Taxi Driver, Mandrake, STRIPEERTW, mrandrist,
robneymcplum, pissflaps, skeltonator, a_gnome,
Fluffster, mildlydiverting, Kelly_Harrison,
TonyMaddison, jds. Top Tippery by A Vagabond.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Subjlols via Finite.
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TOP TIP:
Ensure a good night's sleep and pleasantly
clear head the following morning by not going
to bed drunk again.
