NEWSLETTER: "THE ONLY NEWSLETTER IN THE WORLD THAT ACTUALLY NEEDS CENSORSHIP"
This Week:
* MEAT PLANET - Sagan's cosmic beauty
* CLIFF RICHARD - Dying inside
* HELLO - Sung by Hollywood stars
-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "SOPA: Fucking the
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | internet... together
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|
B3ta e-fax 512 - 19 Jan MMXII
Read this issue in a squeaky voice:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue512/
Log on: [email protected]
Bog off: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
Two nuns were sharing a bath. One asked "Where's
the SOPA?" and the other replied "Yes, it does"
-------------------------------------------------
: SPONSORED LINK
CD fire sale
Should you still like CDs, it's fire-sale
prices these days. 5 Sisters of Mercy CDs for
£11 - like buying VHS in 2001. And not just
iffy goths - whole 'Original Album Series' are
crazy value. 5x Tim Buckley, 5x Patti Smith,
5x Tom Waits, 5x J&MC all about £10. Useful
stuff for playing in the kitchen, or using as
teacup coasters.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0030HG3K...
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Meat, Royals, Hoarding and Battery Data
>> Carl Sagan's Meat Planet <<
A long-missing episode from Cosmos, the
eminent astrophysicist's award-winning TV
series. Sagan muses in awe at the majestic
wonder of a colossal planet composed of cosmic
beef. "I also made a small website site
explaining further details of the planet which
Carl didn't get round to," interjects curator
spellingmistakescostlives.
http://bit.ly/zChFXZ
>> Royal Family Calendar 2012 <<
"Oh Christ, it's that time of year again!"
screams Wasp Box. Okay, it's slightly later
than that time of year, as your b3ta scribes
have been slack at writing this up.
"Asciifaceofbob and have only gone and
collaborated on another calendar!" he
continues. Last year it was very rude MPs;
this time it's the Royals and almost SFW! "Why
not print it out and give it to your Nan?"
http://www.stopinternets.com/royal-calendar.pdf
>> Music collection seeks owner <<
"A 500,000-piece vinyl / 8 track / cassette
archive in North Manchester is about to be
lost for ever," informs Tom. "I wrote this
blog piece about the owner's plight & to see
if there's anyone out there with space for it
all." Any obsessive-compulsive hoarders out
there fancy a go?
http://bit.ly/wYhP84
>> We want battery life <<
"I have made a tremendously geeky thing,"
brags stevierar. "I want to collect people's
experiences with their smartphones,
specifically how long their battery lasts
depending on their usage and tactics, and then
rank them into nice pretty lists to help
people choosing their next phone. Specifically
me, as my contract runs out in two months. I'm
looking forward to having lots of data to
analysis and graphs to make. GRAPHS!" It's not
much to look at right now, but will make a
cracking follow-up in a few weeks' time.
http://www.wewantbatterylife.com
-------------------------------------------------
INTERNET BLACKOUT IS RACIST SAYS SOPA SPOKESPERSON.
-------------------------------------------------
: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Messing with People's Heads
Last week we asked you for the mind games you've
played with your friends, or that they've played
on you. It's too long for here, but go read how
Pooflake inexplicably decided pretending to be
a paedo at work was a good idea:
http://b3ta.com/questions/messingwithheads/
* YAKKETY SAX - "When I was in a school
orchestra a few years ago, I was made section
leader over a group of learners. They ranged
from maybe grade 6 down to absolute beginner.
I convinced them that if you belch down a wind
instrument the pitch will change, due to the
comparative density of the air or some such
bollocks. This, I told them, was why jazz
bands are always drinking. It's to help them
belch on cue for those jazzy pitch-blends.
They tried it for months, to the utter
bewilderment of the conductor. I had to 'fess
up when one of them accidentally overdid it
and vomited into a sax." (Sivvus)
* FORKS - "During my long-past student days I
made many trips to my friend Jon's house due
to a) his Amiga and b) his access to superior
smoking supplies. Every time I went around I
would sneak into his kitchen to steal a fork,
leaving a knife I had smuggled in from my own
cutlery drawer. I often ate with him and his
housemates. Over time the start of every meal
was preceded by an increasingly irate search
for forks. With his fork supply down to one
old battered fork he wondered, "Where do they
all go?" followed by "at least we have lots of
knives." I was able to sympathise. I was going
through a similar experience, only with
knives." (cupeye)
* SHORTS - "My ex boss was a bit of a
short-arse who suffered from short man
syndrome. Every year or so we'd had a staff
group photo with us all lined up like good
children. One particular year one of us
printed it out on the colour laser printer and
put it on the office notice board. Every week
we'd then photoshop our boss a few pixels
shorter and replace the previous copy. From
time to time we'd notice him taking a look at
the photo. Took him about 10 weeks to notice
he was now the size of Jimmy Krankie in the
line-up. He didn't take it too well." (Airman
Gabber)
>> This Week - Childhood Misconceptions <<
What old bollocks did you believe as a kid?
Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/childhoodmisconceptions/
-------------------------------------------------
: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Lol. Funny cat gifs <<
If you want a picture of the future, imagine a
boot stamping on a human face forever whilst
you and I turn our heads and tweet funny cat
gifs.
http://www.catgifpage.com
>> Cliff Richard Dying Inside <<
Four Cliff facts:
1. Cliff once played a drug dealer in the 1967
movie Two a Penny. "But that's okay cos we're
all sorted out for Mistletoe and Wine."
2. Sir Cliff is one of the 'five knights of
rock' including Paul McCartney, Elton John,
Mick Jagger and Tom Jones. Should England be
invaded they'll pull their guitars from the
golden scabbard and flee to the nearest tax
haven.
3. This bachelor boy recently celebrated his
70th birthday and if we assume at least 2
wanks a day for 57 years he's possibly
masturbated the Cliff cock over 40,000 times.
4. Cliff's real name is Harry Webb. The boys
at his school called him Hairy Webb referring
to his unmananagable and sprawling pubes.
http://cliffricharddyinginside.tumblr.com
>> Movie posters from an alt universe <<
The theory of alternative universes is that
at every decision point a new universe is
spawned for each option. It's an idea that
makes infinity look small. Our favourite alt
universes include the one where the Nazis'
made a moon base, where John Lennon wasn't
shot and made a bad indie-dance crossover
record in the 90s, and this rather lovely
collection of film posters:
http://bit.ly/wzj7Kf
>> Center Parcs and Anal Sex <<
Strange, trollish debate on mumsnet on whether
Center Parcs is a codeword for anal sex. Some
PR person in Center Parcs must currently be
struggling to strategise this. Do we sue? Do
we ignore it? Heck, do we run with it?
http://bit.ly/AtMdJs
>> "And this is the funky guitar" <<
Deconstructing the 12" mix whilst you are
listening to it. Genius bit of 80s
meta-nonsense from ZTT. Listen.
http://open.spotify.com/track/045BTjtzYdgAnfn2fIza...
>> How will you die? <<
Fascinating Tumblr where people predict how
their deaths will play out. Us? Alone in a
decaying flat, waiting for our children to
call. They never do and only at the end do we
understand how cruel we really were to the
people who loved us. Yay, we're so emo.
http://how-you-die.tumblr.com
-------------------------------------------------
: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like a Betamax video but with less retro cool
>> Hello: is it me you're looking for? <<
Richie facts:
1. Lionel Richie first found fame in the
Commodores. He was once, twice, three times a
Vic 20.
2. Richie wrote his hit 'Dancing on the
Ceiling' about hallucinating being a spider.
In the late 80s he remixed it to be about a
House Spider.
3. Lionel is big in Iraq. ABC News said,
"Grown Iraqi men get misty-eyed by the mere
mention of his name." Hope the American
military don't overthrow him and replace him
with a puppet government.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Hello:11
>> Sledding crow <<
Science can do many things. It can make a
woman have three tits. It can put badgers on
the moon. But can it explain this? Only
witchcraft can explain this. End of days.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/So_imagine_you_are_a_cro...
>> 'First Hardcore Song' by 8yr-old Juliet <<
Imagine your dad is a really keen record
producer? You'll love him aged 8, but who
knows what you'll think aged 13.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> "Wet as an otter's pocket" <<
A lesson in why reading out the comments from
Twitter on live TV might not be the best
idea ever.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Awww_Bless:3
>> Young rappers take a stand against cussing <<
B3ta has waged a long-standing campaign
against swearing - it's immoral and offensive.
Our particular strategy is to overdose the
world with profanity; aversion therapy
basically. Others prefer prohibition:
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Ken Lee! <<
Valentina Hasan - contestent on a Bulgarian
talent show - mangles Without You (as made
famous by Mariah Carey).
http://www.youtube.com/watch
-------------------------------------------------
: "FUNNY" AMAZON REVIEWS
B3ta: redefining "funny" as "shit" since 2001
* 55-GALLON DRUM OF LUBE - "As a Fertility
Specialist for Pachyderms, this was exactly
what we needed to help rebuild elephant
populations all over sub-Saharan Africa. It's
not all just Medications and IVF treatments.
Some times you need a loudspeaker, a Barry
White CD and a 55-Gallon drum of Lube."
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B005MR3IVO/...
* LOREM IPSUM THE NOVEL - "Lorem ipsum dolor
sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Ut sed
lorem at neque congue porttitor. Etiam
condimentum venenatis pretium. Nullam
pellentesque viverra nisi..." Classic.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B006YVL5G...
-------------------------------------------------
: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from Right to Parody Challenge
Last week we wanted you to make parody images
to support the "Right to Parody" campaign - to
help encourage a law change to allow parody.
Your favourites included:
* TIN TIN MEHA MASH UP - featuring everyone's
favourite based-upon-blackfaced-minstrel cartoon
Mickey Mouse. (Brian O'Blivion)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10658921
* TORY PARTY LOGO REWORKED - in light of their
wonderful attempt to smash disability
benefits. (Bela Lugosi's Dad)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10657861
* MCDONALDS PENIS - because Ronald's mayo is
so delicious. (Happytoast)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10659009
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/righttoparody/
>> New challenge: Stock photos <<
Take these crap stock photos. Photoshop them -
what could be simpler?
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/stock/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* PINGU vs THE THING in the Daily Mail - will
they think Lee Hardcastle's a morality menace?
Perhaps more excitingly, John Carpenter,
director of the original film, tweeted to say
how much he loved the claymation.
http://bit.ly/w5Sxwz
* MORE CASHPOINT EASTER EGG - "The 780 seen by
your previous correspondent shows that £780 is
the maximum dispense amount per transaction,"
writes the enigmatic Mr Secrets. "The
dispensers are hardware-limited to not
dispensing more than 40 notes, even if the
software tells them to, because that’s the
maximum width of the dispense slot. In this
case, this system’s programmer has been
cautious to not trigger that and has limited
it to 39 notes: 39 x £20 - £780."
* SLOWEST PEE EVER - "It's just a case of
exercising your Kegel muscles to gain the
requisite control," claims Emily Dubberley.
"Women have lots of options, from simply
flexing and releasing the muscles, to buying
specialised equipment. There aren't currently
any Kegel exercisers for men but you can DIY
by using a wet flannel. Here is how (bottom of
the page):"
http://bit.ly/zywb9J
* PANTOMIME HORSE RACE - "I'm looking to stage
a special pantomime horse 'equestrian'-style
event in Greenwich during the Olympics," says
mr_mekon. "Would you mind linking to footage
from the previous one, so I can present it to
Greenwich Powers That Be and convince them of
its popularity online? Myself and a few other
b3tans who help put this together are doing it
for Demelza Children's Hospice, but help from
other b3tans would be very welcome, if they
want to get involved and/or back the bid."
http://www.youtube.com/watch
-------------------------------------------------
: FRIDAY GAME
Abobo's Big Adventure
Eight levels, each a homage to NES games,
including Double Dragon, Zelda, Contra,
Megaman & Punch Out. A visual delight.
http://www.abobosbigadventure.com/fullgame.php
-------------------------------------------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* POSTAL SOCIAL NETWORK - would you be
extradited to the US if you set up a social
network to swap VHS copies of the DVDs via
post?
* SEO TACTICS FOR SONGWRITING - what dick is
going to be the first to game Spotify by
making their track names: 1. The Beatles 2.
Pink Floyd 3. U2 etc.
* QUIZZES WE'RE TOO LAZY TO MAKE - Will Self
OR Red Hot Chilli Peppers Drummer; Katy Perry
OR Zooey Deschanel OR Emily Blunt; even
Miranda Hart OR Chris Langham.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
-------------------------------------------------
Gods: [email protected]
Shits: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by
@paulcnelson, nowaydude, @TomDavenport,
@Marc_Gascoigne, carly, Herb Alpert's Taxi
Driver, @danjordan, smaggers, @arthurCRS,
@lifson, mr.dogshit, The Lord Gideon,
Chopper3, @bounder, boris the spider, c_kick,
drbroon, Whato_Jeeves. Top Tippery by
Undercovercarrot. Additional linkage and image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is
QOTW bloke.
-------------------------------------------------
TOP TIP:
Ambulance person posts on B3ta recommending
stuff you shouldn't do, if you ever need
their services. Including a death threat. Yay!
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/post120481
