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This Week:
* MEAT PLANET - Sagan's cosmic beauty
* CLIFF RICHARD - Dying inside
* HELLO - Sung by Hollywood stars

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |  "SOPA: Fucking the     
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |    internet... together
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|      

B3ta e-fax 512 - 19 Jan MMXII

Read this issue in a squeaky voice:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue512/

     Log on:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
    Bog off:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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Two nuns were sharing a bath. One asked "Where's
the SOPA?" and the other replied "Yes, it does"
-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK
  CD fire sale 
  
  Should you still like CDs, it's fire-sale
  prices these days. 5 Sisters of Mercy CDs for
  £11 - like buying VHS in 2001. And not just
  iffy goths - whole 'Original Album Series' are
  crazy value. 5x Tim Buckley, 5x Patti Smith,
  5x Tom Waits, 5x J&MC all about £10. Useful
  stuff for playing in the kitchen, or using as
  teacup coasters. 
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0030HG3K6/b3ta-21


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Meat, Royals, Hoarding and Battery Data

  >> Carl Sagan's Meat Planet <<
  A long-missing episode from Cosmos, the
  eminent astrophysicist's award-winning TV
  series. Sagan muses in awe at the majestic
  wonder of a colossal planet composed of cosmic
  beef. "I also made a small website site
  explaining further details of the planet which
  Carl didn't get round to," interjects curator
  spellingmistakescostlives.
http://bit.ly/zChFXZ


  >> Royal Family Calendar 2012 <<
  "Oh Christ, it's that time of year again!"
  screams Wasp Box. Okay, it's slightly later
  than that time of year, as your b3ta scribes
  have been slack at writing this up.
  "Asciifaceofbob and have only gone and
  collaborated on another calendar!" he
  continues. Last year it was very rude MPs;
  this time it's the Royals and almost SFW! "Why
  not print it out and give it to your Nan?"
http://www.stopinternets.com/royal-calendar.pdf


  >> Music collection seeks owner <<
  "A 500,000-piece vinyl / 8 track / cassette
  archive in North Manchester is about to be
  lost for ever," informs Tom. "I wrote this
  blog piece about the owner's plight & to see
  if there's anyone out there with space for it
  all." Any obsessive-compulsive hoarders out
  there fancy a go?
http://bit.ly/wYhP84


  >> We want battery life <<
  "I have made a tremendously geeky thing,"
  brags stevierar. "I want to collect people's
  experiences with their smartphones,
  specifically how long their battery lasts
  depending on their usage and tactics, and then
  rank them into nice pretty lists to help
  people choosing their next phone. Specifically
  me, as my contract runs out in two months. I'm
  looking forward to having lots of data to
  analysis and graphs to make. GRAPHS!" It's not
  much to look at right now, but will make a
  cracking follow-up in a few weeks' time.
http://www.wewantbatterylife.com


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INTERNET BLACKOUT IS RACIST SAYS SOPA SPOKESPERSON.
-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Messing with People's Heads

  Last week we asked you for the mind games you've
  played with your friends, or that they've played
  on you. It's too long for here, but go read how
  Pooflake inexplicably decided pretending to be
  a paedo at work was a good idea:
http://b3ta.com/questions/messingwithheads/

  * YAKKETY SAX - "When I was in a school
  orchestra a few years ago, I was made section
  leader over a group of learners. They ranged
  from maybe grade 6 down to absolute beginner.
  I convinced them that if you belch down a wind
  instrument the pitch will change, due to the
  comparative density of the air or some such
  bollocks. This, I told them, was why jazz
  bands are always drinking. It's to help them
  belch on cue for those jazzy pitch-blends.
  They tried it for months, to the utter
  bewilderment of the conductor. I had to 'fess
  up when one of them accidentally overdid it
  and vomited into a sax." (Sivvus)
	 
  * FORKS - "During my long-past student days I
  made many trips to my friend Jon's house due
  to a) his Amiga and b) his access to superior
  smoking supplies. Every time I went around I
  would sneak into his kitchen to steal a fork,
  leaving a knife I had smuggled in from my own
  cutlery drawer. I often ate with him and his
  housemates. Over time the start of every meal
  was preceded by an increasingly irate search
  for forks. With his fork supply down to one
  old battered fork he wondered, "Where do they
  all go?" followed by "at least we have lots of
  knives." I was able to sympathise. I was going
  through a similar experience, only with
  knives." (cupeye)
	 
  * SHORTS - "My ex boss was a bit of a
  short-arse who suffered from short man
  syndrome. Every year or so we'd had a staff
  group photo with us all lined up like good
  children. One particular year one of us
  printed it out on the colour laser printer and
  put it on the office notice board. Every week
  we'd then photoshop our boss a few pixels
  shorter and replace the previous copy. From
  time to time we'd notice him taking a look at
  the photo. Took him about 10 weeks to notice
  he was now the size of Jimmy Krankie in the
  line-up. He didn't take it too well." (Airman
  Gabber)


  >> This Week - Childhood Misconceptions <<
  What old bollocks did you believe as a kid?
  Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/childhoodmisconceptions/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Lol. Funny cat gifs <<
  If you want a picture of the future, imagine a
  boot stamping on a human face forever whilst
  you and I turn our heads and tweet funny cat
  gifs.
http://www.catgifpage.com


  >> Cliff Richard Dying Inside <<
  Four Cliff facts:
  1. Cliff once played a drug dealer in the 1967
  movie Two a Penny. "But that's okay cos we're
  all sorted out for Mistletoe and Wine."
  2. Sir Cliff is one of the 'five knights of
  rock' including  Paul McCartney, Elton John,
  Mick Jagger and Tom Jones. Should England be
  invaded they'll pull their guitars from the
  golden scabbard and flee to the nearest tax
  haven.
  3. This bachelor boy recently celebrated his
  70th birthday and if we assume at least 2
  wanks a day for 57 years he's possibly
  masturbated the Cliff cock over 40,000 times.
  4. Cliff's real name is Harry Webb. The boys
  at his school called him Hairy Webb referring
  to his unmananagable and sprawling pubes.
http://cliffricharddyinginside.tumblr.com 


  >> Movie posters from an alt universe <<
  The theory of alternative universes is that
  at every decision point a new universe is
  spawned for each option. It's an idea that
  makes infinity look small. Our favourite alt
  universes include the one where the Nazis'
  made a moon base, where John Lennon wasn't
  shot and made a bad indie-dance crossover
  record in the 90s, and this rather lovely
  collection of film posters:
http://bit.ly/wzj7Kf


  >> Center Parcs and Anal Sex <<
  Strange, trollish debate on mumsnet on whether
  Center Parcs is a codeword for anal sex. Some
  PR person in Center Parcs must currently be
  struggling to strategise this. Do we sue? Do
  we ignore it? Heck, do we run with it?
http://bit.ly/AtMdJs


  >> "And this is the funky guitar" <<
  Deconstructing the 12" mix whilst you are
  listening to it. Genius bit of 80s
  meta-nonsense from ZTT. Listen.
http://open.spotify.com/track/045BTjtzYdgAnfn2fIzadN


  >> How will you die? <<
  Fascinating Tumblr where people predict how
  their deaths will play out. Us? Alone in a
  decaying flat, waiting for our children to
  call. They never do and only at the end do we
  understand how cruel we really were to the
  people who loved us. Yay, we're so emo.
http://how-you-die.tumblr.com


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like a Betamax video but with less retro cool

  >> Hello: is it me you're looking for? <<
  Richie facts:
  1. Lionel Richie first found fame in the
  Commodores. He was once, twice, three times a
  Vic 20.
  2. Richie wrote his hit 'Dancing on the
  Ceiling' about hallucinating being a spider.
  In the late 80s he remixed it to be about a
  House Spider.
  3. Lionel is big in Iraq. ABC News said,
  "Grown Iraqi men get misty-eyed by the mere
  mention of his name." Hope the American
  military don't overthrow him and replace him
  with a puppet government.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Hello:11


  >> Sledding crow <<
  Science can do many things. It can make a
  woman have three tits. It can put badgers on
  the moon. But can it explain this? Only
  witchcraft can explain this. End of days.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/So_imagine_you_are_a_crow

 
  >> 'First Hardcore Song' by 8yr-old Juliet <<
  Imagine your dad is a really keen record
  producer? You'll love him aged 8, but who
  knows what you'll think aged 13.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uU6U-8LP1DY


  >> "Wet as an otter's pocket" <<
  A lesson in why reading out the comments from
  Twitter on live TV might not be the best 
  idea ever. 
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Awww_Bless:3


  >> Young rappers take a stand against cussing <<
  B3ta has waged a long-standing campaign
  against swearing - it's immoral and offensive.
  Our particular strategy is to overdose the
  world with profanity; aversion therapy
  basically. Others prefer prohibition:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HTNv2dOBFJk


  >> Ken Lee! <<
  Valentina Hasan - contestent on a Bulgarian
  talent show - mangles Without You (as made
  famous by Mariah Carey).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cT18LZItBLA


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: "FUNNY" AMAZON REVIEWS
  B3ta: redefining "funny" as "shit" since 2001

  * 55-GALLON DRUM OF LUBE - "As a Fertility
  Specialist for Pachyderms, this was exactly
  what we needed to help rebuild elephant
  populations all over sub-Saharan Africa. It's
  not all just Medications and IVF treatments.
  Some times you need a loudspeaker, a Barry
  White CD and a 55-Gallon drum of Lube."
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B005MR3IVO/b3ta-20


  * LOREM IPSUM THE NOVEL - "Lorem ipsum dolor
  sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Ut sed
  lorem at neque congue porttitor. Etiam
  condimentum venenatis pretium. Nullam
  pellentesque viverra nisi..." Classic.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B006YVL5GC/b3ta-21


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from  Right to Parody Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to make parody images
  to support the "Right to Parody" campaign - to
  help encourage a law change to allow parody. 

  Your favourites included:
 
  * TIN TIN MEHA MASH UP - featuring everyone's
  favourite based-upon-blackfaced-minstrel cartoon
  Mickey Mouse. (Brian O'Blivion)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10658921


  * TORY PARTY LOGO REWORKED - in light of their
  wonderful attempt to smash disability
  benefits. (Bela Lugosi's Dad)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10657861


  * MCDONALDS PENIS - because Ronald's mayo is
  so delicious. (Happytoast)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10659009

    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/righttoparody/


  >> New challenge: Stock photos <<
  Take these crap stock photos. Photoshop them -
  what could be simpler?
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/stock/   


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * PINGU vs THE THING in the Daily Mail - will
  they think Lee Hardcastle's a morality menace?
  Perhaps more excitingly, John Carpenter,
  director of the original film, tweeted to say
  how much he loved the claymation.
http://bit.ly/w5Sxwz


  * MORE CASHPOINT EASTER EGG - "The 780 seen by
  your previous correspondent shows that £780 is
  the maximum dispense amount per transaction,"
  writes the enigmatic Mr Secrets. "The
  dispensers are hardware-limited to not
  dispensing more than 40 notes, even if the
  software tells them to, because thatís the
  maximum width of the dispense slot. In this
  case, this systemís programmer has been
  cautious to not trigger that and has limited
  it to 39 notes: 39 x £20 - £780."


  * SLOWEST PEE EVER - "It's just a case of
  exercising your Kegel muscles to gain the
  requisite control," claims Emily Dubberley.
  "Women have lots of options, from simply
  flexing and releasing the muscles, to buying
  specialised equipment. There aren't currently
  any Kegel exercisers for men but you can DIY
  by using a wet flannel. Here is how (bottom of
  the page):"
http://bit.ly/zywb9J


  * PANTOMIME HORSE RACE - "I'm looking to stage
  a special pantomime horse 'equestrian'-style
  event in Greenwich during the Olympics," says
  mr_mekon. "Would you mind linking to footage
  from the previous one, so I can present it to
  Greenwich Powers That Be and convince them of
  its popularity online? Myself and a few other
  b3tans who help put this together are doing it
  for Demelza Children's Hospice, but help from
  other b3tans would be very welcome, if they
  want to get involved and/or back the bid."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k39l0S9HYew


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Abobo's Big Adventure
  
  Eight levels, each a homage to NES games,
  including Double Dragon, Zelda, Contra,
  Megaman & Punch Out. A visual delight.
http://www.abobosbigadventure.com/fullgame.php


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * POSTAL SOCIAL NETWORK - would you be
  extradited to the US if you set up a social
  network to swap VHS copies of the DVDs via
  post?

  * SEO TACTICS FOR SONGWRITING - what dick is
  going to be the first to game Spotify by
  making their track names: 1. The Beatles 2.
  Pink Floyd 3. U2 etc.

  * QUIZZES WE'RE TOO LAZY TO MAKE - Will Self
  OR Red Hot Chilli Peppers Drummer; Katy Perry
  OR Zooey Deschanel OR Emily Blunt; even
  Miranda Hart OR Chris Langham.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  Gods:   b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
  Shits:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------


  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by
  @paulcnelson, nowaydude, @TomDavenport,
  @Marc_Gascoigne, carly, Herb Alpert's Taxi
  Driver, @danjordan, smaggers, @arthurCRS,
  @lifson, mr.dogshit, The Lord Gideon,
  Chopper3, @bounder, boris the spider, c_kick,
  drbroon,  Whato_Jeeves. Top Tippery by
  Undercovercarrot. Additional linkage and image
  challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is
  QOTW bloke.
  
-------------------------------------------------

  TOP TIP:
  Ambulance person posts on B3ta recommending
  stuff you shouldn't do, if you ever need
  their services. Including a death threat. Yay!
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/post120481

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