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NEWSLETTER: "OPERATING A PERMANENT GEEK BAILOUT SINCE 2001"

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This Week:
* DREDD - Sci fi meets kids' TV
* OPTICAL - Illusions to fuck your eyes
* TOYS - with embarrassing names

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |     "We're shaving
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |        the yak...
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|         for later"

B3ta Interactive CD-Rom 515 - 10 Feb 2012

Enjoy this multimedia on your PalmPilot:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue515/

        Peak:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
   Clapped:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK
  Switch your energy provider to save money

  Times are hard but did you know you might be
  able to save over £400 per year on your gas an
  electricity? It's worth shopping about and
  changing regularly to get the best deals.
  uSwitch is a great place to start.
http://bit.ly/whUCt4

  (uSwitch also do deals on iPhones &  Broadband
  and Home Insurance. Worth a nose.)


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Stuff, things, etc

  >> Phantom Menace disappointment <<
  George Lucas is releasing 3D versions of his
  prequels, to the dismay/secret delight of
  nerds everywhere. Funkadelic83 writes, "We at
  the Second City have made a trailer so you can
  re-experience the disappointment of the
  Phantom Menace - in 3D!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FbiysoUMfm4


  >> Here Comes Dredd <<
  "Old kids' TV meets everyone's favourite
  future cop," posits HappyToast. Prepare your
  thrill-circuits for overload as we meet Mega
  City One's favourite, tiny, bobble-headed
  lawman.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Here_comes_Dredd


  >> What's in Spock's scanner Part III <<
  "The third and final part of my Star Trek
  editing endeavours," explains Black Moon, who
  clearly doesn't believe in describing things
  as a trilogy. A sublime 10 minutes of
  dialogue-free gags from the Original Series.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Whats_in_Spocks_scanner_Part_3


  >> Sheep! meets snow <<
  "Another of them there films I make," affirms
  Sheep! modestly. "With snow, yeah?"
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Another_of_them_there_films_I_make


-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Filth!

  Last week we asked you for your tales of grot, 
  grime, dirt, detritus and mess. Don't read these
  whilst eating:
http://b3ta.com/questions/filthandmess/

  * CREEPY - "Cleaning up someone's rancid
  backyard with a pressure washer, I was
  delighted to be covered in a thin slurry of
  shite, old broken eggs, mouse corpses, chicken
  shit and other wonderful detritus. When I gave
  up and went indoors for a beer my eye was
  itching. After I went back to work and carried
  on swishing the filth, my eye was still
  itching. When I got home hours later I had a
  few pre-bath beers and sat reading the paper,
  all the while, my eye was itching. Finally I
  decanted my filthy self into the bath and had
  a good old soak to be rid of the day's
  accumulated horrors, although...my eye was
  still itching. Eventually I sprang from the
  bath, shiny and cleansed and looked hard at my
  eye in the bathroom mirror. Nothing; nothing
  that is until I pulled my lower eyelid down.
  Crawling along, without a care in the world
  was a small, white maggot. I wear goggles now
  for that kind of job." (Infidel Castrol)
    
    
 * FRUIT AND VAG - "Many years ago I had a
 weekend job working for a supermarket in the
 fruit and veg department. One Saturday at 6am,
 unloading a delivery lorry, we noticed an
 unsavoury odour but dismissed it as driver
 beer/curry/fart. We were wrong. I wheeled the
 veg onto the shop floor. Loose veg came in
 black polythene bags that you'd slice open and
 tip out. Not today though. I sliced open a bag
 carrots and was immediately hit with the stench
 of farmyard excrement. Not just excrement
 though, there was an artistic bonus too. The
 tray was packed with horse shit and with eleven
 carrots thoughtfully laid on top of it to spell
 out 'CUNT'. This wasn't a spur of the moment
 act though - these carrots were massive and
 whoever had performed the act must have been
 saving these carrots over his shift, which I
 imagine was his last. So Mr Unhappy
 Carrotpacker, if you ever read this and have
 wondered after all these years just where your
 handiwork ended up, it arrived at Hertford
 Waitrose one Saturday morning and caused one of
 my colleagues to dry wretch repeatedly for
 about 90 minutes before eventually throwing up
 in the cardboard box compactor out the back.
 For that I salute you." (Guntfuggle Quackblast)


 * MUNCHIES - "Many years ago, a mate's
 girlfriend came round. She'd just got off shift
 at the local hospital. "Anyone got any spliff?"
 "Didn't know you smoked, Sara?" "I don't but I
 need the munchies or I won't be able to keep
 dinner down." She'd assisted at a cyst
 drainage: the patient had not one but
 seventeen, spread over his back and ranging
 from dried pea to satsuma in size. The little
 ones went OK but the three biggest...squirted.
 Apparently the smell was a cross between
 rotting flesh, halitosis and vomit. All the
 theatre staff were hit. The surgeon had to have
 his face-shield wiped off twice and the theatre
 itself was out of action for 4 hours while
 pathology had it steam cleaned and then swabbed
 for cultures. Poor Sara. She got the munchies,
 but had a flashback halfway down her Chinese
 and threw up." (all my scars face forward)


  >> This Week: Random Acts of Kindness<<
  Has anyone ever been nice to you, out of the
  blue, for no reason? Have you helped an old
  lady across the road? Make us believe that the
  world is a better place here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/randomactsofkindness/


-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
  
  >> Incredible optical illusions <<
  You won't believe your eyes!
http://optillusions.tumblr.com/


  >> Abandoned Ireland <<
  Arty black-and-white photos of various Irish
  buildings that have been left to decay. Eerie
  and a little sad.
http://www.abandonedireland.com/start.html


  >> The Bristol Pound <<
  Banksy's home town is launching its own
  currency. Not as mad as it seems - there's
  been a bunch of smaller schemes around the
  country already, including London's own
  Brixton Pound. They're looking for a banknote
  design right now, and they probably can't
  afford Banksy - why not give it a go?
http://bristolpound.org/index.php?com=pages&page=18


  >> Daily Mail snow troll <<
  Gleeful scamp reveals how the Daily Mail ran a
  faked-up snow picture he made for his mates.
  Interesting insight into how lazy researchers
  can actually create a troll. 
http://bit.ly/wYyyyE


  >> The difference between accounting companies <<
  Quick Google search reveals the 
  embarrassing truth.
http://bit.ly/xFctE3


  >> Dictionary Of The Vulgar Tongue, 1811 <<
  A sort of ancient Profanisaurus, written in
  1811 now available on Project Gutenberg. We
  think it's past time to revive terms like
  'betwattled' and 'fartleberries' - remember,
  it doesn't count as swearing if it's over 200
  years old.
http://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/5402


  >> Freelancer Fred <<
  It's funny because it's true. Like all memes.
http://www.quickmeme.com/Freelancer-Fred/?upcoming


  >> Daybreak Time Twitter <<
  Kudos to the long-suffering staffer on the
  Daybreak Twitter account. A job that mostly
  consists of explaining the concept of ITV+1 to
  bleary-eyed viewers.
http://bit.ly/xR9RuU


-------------------------------------------------

: PLUG FOR B3TA BASH 
 
  Each year, keen B3tan Riverghost organises 
  a bash. He writes, "Oi, any chance of a plug
  again for the charity auction at the London
  bash again this year? I have wine gums!"

  Oh go on. Sign up. Then attend. It's in
  London, 25th May 2012.
http://www.b3ta.com/calendar/event/23598


-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  It's like TV and this bit is your TV Quick mag

  >> Iron Sky trailer <<
  Nazis from the Moon. Nazis from the Moon. Will
  we go and see this film? Possibly, but for now
  it's enough that it exists.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Iron_Sky_trailer


  >> Electricity company uses B3tan's idea! <<
  Well done to b3tan Herman who got paid and
  laid* for this wonderfully cute ad spot of
  collapsing cooling towers. And well done to
  Ecotricity's agency, for doing things the
  right way. * May not have got laid
http://bit.ly/xuI6OU


  >> Data's impression of Captain Picard <<
  Brent Spiner does a good impression of Patrick
  Stewart. VERY good. This must happen on loads
  of long-running TV shows - you're with the
  same bunch of people for ages and they're all
  celebrated for their gift of mimicry.
http://bit.ly/wGJzqd


  >> Superbowel <<
  Creative use of computer game's dodgy
  collision detection. Kind of NSFW.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Superbowel


  >> Island of Misnamed Toys <<
  "My three year old daughter names all of her
  toys herself." Cue massive parental
  embarrassment as we meet Dick & Prick, Horny
  and friends. Deary me.
http://youtu.be/_X-9BlmGVn4


  >> Fake rhino zoo breakout <<
  Zoo in Tokyo runs a training exercise on
  dealing with an escaped rhino. Two members of
  staff play the part of the rampaging beast -
  love the attention to detail that's given the
  costume lush eyelashes and wiggly ears.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-16950361


-------------------------------------------------

: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Tedious shit as per usual

  Apparently there's a German ski jumper called
  "A. Wank". He is 1,89m tall and weighs 72 kg.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Andreas_Wank


-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA SURVIVAL TIPS 
  Thinking about staying alive? Here's a handy guide.

  1. Eat well, but not too much. Try not to
  snack. But if you must snack have an apple.

  2. Being permanently drunk or hung over is no
  way to live your life. Cut it down.

  3. Exercise is good. It doesn't have to be
  crazy let's run a marathon stuff. Just make
  sure you walk every day.

  4. People are more interesting than the
  internet. But they're also more difficult to
  make work. Make the effort.

  5. Cheese is the devil. It'll tempt you with
  its fatty ways. Get thee behind me, cheese
  Satan.


-------------------------------------------------

: DIG DEEP CHARITY SHIT
  Everyman Theatre in Liverpool got knocked down.
 
  Sir Hubert Huzzah writes, "It was where Pete
  Postlethwaite, Bill Drummond, Bill Nighy,
  Julie Walters and David Morrisey - among
  others - got a start in the actoring and
  actoressing life. It is also where the longest
  play in history (The Illuminatus Trilogy by
  Ken Campbell) was performed. Including a faked
  Black Mass Under the Patronage of Queen Betty.
 
  "So they're rebuilding it and want donations.
  Go, on B3tans."
http://www.everymanplayhouse.com/
 

-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Dialogue Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to misunderstand
  famous lines from films etc. for wildly 
  comic effect

  Your favourites included:
 
  * WHOOPS - in the heat of battle, a
  misunderstanding  has disastrous 
  consequences (ferry)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10680204

  * CASABLANCA - the most famous farewell in all
  of moviedom gets dumbed up (The Great
  Architect )
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10679085

  * MOLESTATION - a long time ago, in a galaxy
  far far away, fear of pedophiles cut a long
  story short (Willmot)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10682038


  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/misunderstood/


  >> New challenge: Ugly/Cute <<
  This week's challenge is to take the
  loveliest, cutest things you can find and make
  them hideously ugly. Easy.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/cuteugly/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * B3TANS MAKE LEMBIT OPIK POSSIBLY LOOK A BIT
  SILLY - all over the UK political bits on
  twitter earlier this week was this. db123
  writes, "Myself and Krispystrips were asked to
  make a lil music video for The Good Suns. We
  happened to have Lembit's number and knew he
  enjoyed music. Shot this in half a day (can
  you tell?!) and had drinks with him after."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Lembit_Opik_starred_in_my_music_video


  * BACKWARDS TUBE NAMES - Rev. Error writes,
  "Bit of feedback on the anagram tube map:
  Finsbury Park backwards is Krapy Rub Snif!"
  Are there any more? Ooh, yes, yes there are.
  Upton Park - Krap Not Pu.


  * VAGINAL PINK ANXIETY - "Afternoon - was
  just looking at your link for 'My Oink Button'
  in the newsletter and I thought I'd go to the
  Amazon site to see more. Take a look at the
  'customers who viewed this item also
  viewed...' section. It's the most fucked-up
  collection of stocking fillers I've ever
  seen:" 
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B002P0ST1K/b3ta-20


  * BIZARROKNICKERS - Geoff the Clownfish
  writes, "Following on from last week's vagina
  dye, what better to slip her New Pink Button
  into than these beauties? They're basically
  knickers that look like a pantie-liner, with a
  thong bit that slips up her crack. Check the
  photos. Really this season's must-haves."
http://bit.ly/ygi3OW


-------------------------------------------------

: FRIDAY GAME
  Lippy name that tune

  Smack your lips together and note the tone.
  Change the shape of your mouth and note the
  different tone. You should be able to roughly
  play tunes. We can make a piss-poor stab at
  Hot Butter's Pop Corn. Can your colleagues
  guess what the tune is? Do they want to stab
  you in the face yet?


-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * DAILY MAIL BIKINI BAROMETER - run a daily
  soft porn count for the strip they stick down
  the side of their front page.

  * STREETCYCLING? - we love that we can just
  stick stuff outside our house and people take
  it. Assuming it's worth taking. This low
  effort cooperative sharing thing needs a name
  and it should be encouraged. It's less shitty
  than eBay, and less effort than Freecycle.
  Huzzah.

  * OFFICIAL READING HOUR - every night at 8pm
  the internet should be turned off, the pubs
  closed, TV switched off and we all read for 1
  hr.

  Send contributions via a pipe bomb underneath
  our Austin Allegro.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


-------------------------------------------------

 Sexy fun time:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Unsexy unfun time:b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @helenlewis,
   threefour, The Goddamn Barfly steand ste,
  Leemondus, Butters, Peacocke, Stashie,
  leeblackwood, sinisterduck, Nimble Colin,
  VampireMonkeyOnSpeed, boldswede. Top Tippery
  by KarlToOnZ. Additional linkage and image
  challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder
  is QOTW bloke.
  
-------------------------------------------------

  TOP TIP:
  Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting
  the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink. 

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