we love the web
email us
NEWSLETTER: "THE PERFECT REPLACEMENT FOR YOUR OLD SLETTER"

next issue »
« previous issue

This Week:
* SLOTH - Baby beast in cute PJs
* GREED - Your meatcake recipes
* SPIDERS - Horrible anim by Cyriak

-------------------------------------------------
________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "What did you do in the    
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   browser wars Daddy?"
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|     

B3ta email 519  - 9 Mar 2012

Wipe our newsletter cock on your digital curtain:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue519 

  Myspace :  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
  Pinterest : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK
  How to not fail at life

  Do you sometimes wonder how people get things
  done? People who seem to be organised and on
  top of their lives rather than constantly
  playing catch-up? The answer is they use ToDo
  lists - it's that simple: note down the things
  you need to do, then check them off when you
  do them. It's like having an extra brain, an
  assistant who can say, "Oh yes, you need to do
  X." And do you know the best tool to use? It's
  called 'Pendactive' (Pending, active, done -
  geddit?)- available everywhere there's a web
  connection. Free to join so stop living your
  life under the terror of forgetfulness.
http://pendactive.com


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Biscuits, dog, gifs, spiders, thoughts, things

  >> Total Biscuit of the Heart <<
  "I genuinely can't think of any way to
  introduce this," confesses mattlees. "So I'll
  just drop the link." If you though sarcasm was
  the lowest form of wit, prepare yourself for
  this team's heroic efforts to push the envelope.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WsIGIXUkub4


  >> Cobwebs <<
  "Here's a new video I made for some TV
  company," proclaims high-class animator Cyriak.
  "Enjoy (unless you are arachnophobic)."
  Seriously, probably do not watch if animated
  spiders make you feel a bit iffy.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cobwebs


  >> How to Think For Yourself <<
  @Skeptobot has made a website, with all the
  guidance you could ever need. 
http://howtothinkforyourself.co.uk/


  >> The Countdown Thing <<
  "I got carried away with this," allows
  Faceburger. John Carpenter body horror runs
  riot on a daytime quiz show in legoland.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Countdown_Thing


  >> HappyToast retrospective <<
  "Every single moment is complete glasscock," he
  brags, inexplicably to anyone who doesn't
  frequent the board. What you've got here is an
  extended gag reel of surreal hi jinks.
http://bit.ly/Aqez0V


  >> OBEY DOG <<
  "Here's a video (as in VHS) game in the
  Atmosfear tradition," writes Dave Wallop. "Word
  on the street is it's already gaining a
  reputation as Ray Winstone's third best film."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3E1m9xjswm4


-------------------------------------------------

: TRUFFLE SHUFFLE T-SHIRT COMPO
  Five DJ Vader shirts to win
  
  Truffle Shuffle have given us some lovely
  t-shirts for you, yes you dear lucky reader.
  The shirts are fab - explore your dark side
  with DJ Darth Vader. Five available for the
  best replies to the tiebreaker (50 words or
  less), "If I met George Lucas I'd like to...."
http://b3ta.com/board/10713616


  Or take a Luke at the shirts and buy one
  directly.
http://bit.ly/rWMefg


-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  First World Problems

  We asked for examples of shudderingly short
  sighted self-pity. There's a whole world of
  whiny here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/firstworldproblems/

  * NO EXCUSES - "A few years back, where I used
  to work, a self-obsessed harridan named Ruth
  had organised a party to celebrate her pending
  engagement to a wealthy, nice-but-dim chap.
  Attendance was mandatory. The soirée was
  scheduled for a Saturday. On Thursday, we
  received the grave news that a well-liked
  member of our team had suffered a miscarriage.
  All of us were understandably upset and
  sympathetic. With one exception... 'I suppose
  she won't be coming to my party then,' Ruth
  whined. As we stood there open-mouthed, she
  continued, 'Why do these things always happen
  to meeee?'" (Mr Twisty Cheeky)
	 
  * EMPATHY - "Returning to work after becoming
  a father for the first time, a colleague asked
  the usual question, "So, how do you feel now
  you're a parent?" I replied that the hardest
  thing to get used to was the knowledge that,
  no matter how hard you try to protect your
  offspring, something bad could still happen to
  them. You just had to live with that fear. She
  thought for a moment, then said "Yes, I
  suppose it's like having a white carpet, isn't
  it?" Probably best if she waits a while before
  having her own, I reckon." (moon monkey)
	 
  * IT'S THE ONLY LANGUAGE THEY UNDERSTAND - "I
  learned a few basic commands in Filipino so I
  could communicate with our maid, and it turns
  out she's Malaysian." (UHMUHRAKA!)


  >> This Week - Lies Gone On Too Long <<
  Telling a lie often means telling another and
  another, spiralling out of control until not a
  word of truth passes your lips. Tell us how
  bad it's got. The more innocent your first
  fib, the better:
http://b3ta.com/questions/liesthatwentontoolong/


-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Don Glut's Dino-sluts <<
  Don Glut knows that only 50% of people like
  looking at pictures of giant reptiles so, to
  promote his dino-museum to the other 50%,
  here's a gallery of women in the process of
  regretting answering a modelling ad on
  craigslist. Wonderful.
http://donglutsdinosaurs.com/exhibits-1/

 
  >> Anus detection software <<
  What's the first application that springs to
  mind, after developing your Physical Linguistic
  Image Understanding Engine? That's right, this
  computer can now identify male and female
  assholes from any orientation. NSFW, in the
  sense that this is blurry porn.
http://bit.ly/qB7UeU


  >> Super Morrissey Brothers <<
  8-bit cover of 'This Charming Man' mashes up
  two 80s gay icons who've seen better days.
  Sings, "Hang Luigi hang Luigi hang Luigi hang
  Luigi, HANG LUIGI!"
http://bit.ly/xXCw3g


  >> The Scale of the Universe <<
  Nerdishly fascinating scroll through
  incomprehensibly vast and tiny things. We
  learned quite a lot about nebulae. 
http://htwins.net/scale2/scale2.swf?bordercolor=white


  >> Amazing Communist ruin <<
  Derelict Bulgarian building looks like evidence
  we were visited by gigantic, socialist aliens. 
http://bit.ly/yBoGlG


  >> Vintage cats & dogs dressed as people <<
  From the days before all your new-fangled
  Myspaces and AOLs, lolcats the way grandma used
  to make them.
http://bzfd.it/xJM2bC


-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  It'll never catch on this web video stuff

  >> Fresh guacamole <<
  Amazing visual punnery galore, in this 'how to
  make guacamole' recipe by Pes.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/New_Pes_animation_as_well


  >> Ludwig Van Butt-hoven <<
  Lovely lady gives a fascinating (and NSFW)
  interpretive dance to Beethoven's Fifth. Not
  sure we'd like to see her rendition of the 1812
  Overture. Anyway, what we're trying to say is
  Happy International Women's Day, darling.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Ludwig_Van_Butt_hoven_NSFW


  >> I'm On a Muthafuckin' Bike <<
  Commuter rage in musical form. Make way for the
  homo superior.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hgCqz3l33kU


  >> Rick Santorum song <<
  Rationalwiki.org states, "Poe's Law is an
  axiom suggesting that it's difficult, if not
  impossible, to distinguish between parodies of
  religious or other fundamentalism and its
  genuine proponents." But who cares? When the
  lyrics are as amusingly shit as, "There's hope
  for our nation again, maybe for the first time
  since Ronald Reagan," surely we're all singing
  along?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Song_for_Rick_Santorum


  >> Banksy on Advertising (a short film) <<
  We live in world dominated by advertising.
  It's easy to forget what a weird thing that
  is. Banksy has stuff to say which we should
  all listen to.
http://b3ta.com/links/Banksy_on_Advertising_a_short_film


  >> Dollar Shave Club.com video <<
  The shaving industry basically invented the
  shittier end of modern capitalism: make a
  product that you have to keep buying over and
  over again. Odd really that Mr Gillette
  himself, King Camp Gillette, was a Utopian
  Socialist who wanted to turn the USA into a
  giant Metropolis powered by Niagara Falls.
  Anyway, here's an amusing video from someone
  trying to change the razor market.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Dollar_Shave_Club_com_Video


-------------------------------------------------

: FRIDAY GAMES
  Imagination time
  
  We think you've been playing too many games.
  Christ, you've started pissing yourself on the
  sofa! So games are banned until further notice
  until you can control your addiction.

  To amuse yourself we'd like to suggest you use
  your imagination to play some games in your
  head. Here's some ideas to start you off:

  * TV game show idea: "I'm Still Standing"
  Punters bet on how long Elton John can stand
  up for. Winner gets a 10% net of bets. We get
  90%.

  * Flash game idea: "The Grass Is Greener On
  The Other Side." Two pics of grass. Click the
  greener one. Theme tune by Nik Kershaw.

  * Postman simulator: How fast can you deliver
  "Sorry you were out" notes before you nip back
  to HQ for a fag?


-------------------------------------------------

: AMAZON SHAMAZON 
  Yay! It's the Amazin' Amazon Error of the Week!

  If this is what little boys grow up to become
  then we're looking forward to the Tory party
  allowing us to get gay-married. Mouse over the
  sizes from left to right. 
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0009NW89Y/b3ta-21


-------------------------------------------------

: FUNNY NAME CORNER
  Inject us with AIDS, what fresh hell is this? 

  * EYE DOCTOR LOLS - Flapjack writes, "I'm a
  Brit living in Holland. Here's one for your
  silly name corner, a Dutch ophthalmologist
  called Dr I. C. Notting. She's number five on
  this list."
http://bit.ly/DUHej


  * THESE GUYS OBVIOUSLY JUST WANT THE ATTENTION
  Still, it must be depressing working there,
  hearing people crack the same joke day in day
  out when they call up. 
http://www.happyfinish.co.uk/


  * POLICEMAN WHO COULDN"T DO ANOTHER JOB -
  essexjan writes, "I was watching 'Cops'
  tonight when a policeman with the best name
  ever came on. I had to rewind and take a photo
  of the caption."
http://i.imgur.com/ZfePF.jpg


-------------------------------------------------

: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Dogs + Sloths

  * BABY SLOTH WITH MANGE - doesn't sound cute,
  does it? But once they shave off his fur and
  give him little pyjamas our hearts nearly
  exploded with joy.
http://bit.ly/AF727G


  * BOXER DOG SLIDES DOWN STAIRS - it seems
  wrong that we all casually eat dog meat bought
  in Tesco like it's just cheese or something -
  dogs are people too, you know.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Is_this_common_for_dogs


-------------------------------------------------

: THOUGHTS FOR THE WEEK 
  Our minds wander / wonder  

  * Wouldn't it be great if Time Out magazine
  was just page after page of toddlers on the
  naughty step?

  * Does female beef taste different to male
  beef? What about sheep? Chickens?

  * It would be nice if the FT followed The
  Sun's lead with their Beat The Cheat campaign
  - what about one for dobbing in corporate
  fraud?


-------------------------------------------------

: COOKERY - OUR FLOUR POWER HOUR
  Meat cake special

  Lots of you like cooking cakes with meat it
  seems - here's two of your very best:

  * BACON CAKE - joe.aule writes, "Whilst at
  university, a friend of mine had a tradition
  of making me a birthday cake each year, as it
  usually fell on an end-of-exam celebration
  BBQ. So was born: The Bacon Cake.

  "As best I remember, the ingredients were:
  chocolate, broken digestive biscuits, butter,
  cherries & bacon, All melted down, mixed up,
  then left to set. The cake is then iced in
  melted chocolate and crispy bacon. It tastes
  amazing."
http://imgur.com/O3kUO


  * DOG'S DINNER - Speshal writes, "My friend
  Faye made her dog Gary Robot Legs a meatcake
  just the other day containing minced beef,
  Pedigree Chum and cream cheese icing. I'm sure
  you could leave out the Chum if you wanted to."
http://bit.ly/wlBYVx


-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Bowdlerisation Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to celebrate beards.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * CRUDE: filth, reconstructed as fluffy,
  inoffensive, family entertainment. (Drunken
  Mademoiselle Heau)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10706445
   
  * GRUMBLE: popular free video service receives
  the Carry On treatment. (The Silent Channel) 
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10706377
  
  * BLEEP: unbeknownst to most Star Wars fans,
  that little droid originally had a right
  filthy mouth. (Clay)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10706650
  
  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/bowdlerisation/


  >> New challenge: Hedgehogs! <<
  There are 17 species of hedgehog, more than
  enough to warrant its selection as the subject
  of this week's one-word image challenge:
  HEDGEHOGS!
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/hedgehogs/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * CLUB FOOT CHARITY - Araucaria writes, "I
  don't know how far from the norm sending you a
  link for charidee fund-raising goes but here
  it is. I'm running the London marathon this
  year to help the charity that helped my son,
  who was born with a club foot. He's now doing
  very well and it's my turn for some pain to
  give back to the kind folks who gave us help
  to fix him. Any donation is welcome, large or
  larger."
http://www.justgiving.com/Richard-Midwinter


  * BLESSED T-SHIRTS - we ran a compo the other
  week to win some shirts; amused that some of
  the winners posted their ill-gotten gains on
  the board:
http://b3ta.com/board/10711537


  * MORE EMAILS FROM PSYCHOPATHS - Chris writes,
  "Always keep some LySergic acid Diethylamide
  near the teabags, because Jehovah's Witnesses
  always like a cup of tea and they always like
  to talk. Video the carnage :-)" DO NOT DO THIS.


  * IN DEFENCE OF QR CODES, SHUT UP YOU HATERS
  RobNob writes, "At the university I work we
  have put QR codes on the doors of all the
  teaching rooms so that, when you scan them on a
  mobile (using the free wi-fi network), a
  timetable for the room pops up. Students and
  staff can check if they are in the right
  place/use the room if it's free. It saves
  them having to type in the room code and URL
  or finding a free PC to do it. Other unis have
  spent thousands putting up screens and stuff
  and all we had to buy was a laminator."


  * NICK GRIFFIN TUNES - some of you may have
  watched the C4 doc this week (probably still
  available on 4OD) and the more eagle-eyed
  might have seen the old-school b3ta titles done
  by your very own Ginger Fuhrer. Also he wrote
  a theme tune (the Oi! Oi! Oi! jingle) and
  there's a longer mix here complete with glam
  rock guitars.
http://soundcloud.com/robmanuel/nick-griffin


-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * MEND TWITTER - Write a filter for Twitter
  that removes paywall links so we don't get
  irritated by casually clicking an article but
  not being able to read it.

  * NEW SURNAMES - Surnames often come from
  outdated jobs. Cooper, Smith etc. Let's get
  new ones. Tom Callcentre. Pat Shelfstacker.
  Bob OutsourceAndAssetstrip

  * TELETEXT GAMES - fatboyginge writes, "We all
  liked the classic Bamboozle quiz on teletext,
  and there are some knock-offs, but there isn't
  a quiz that both punishes you when you get a
  question wrong by making you start again and,
  when you crack the code and teletext is
  running slow, allows you to change your answer
  to the correct one! Begging for a flash game!"

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


-------------------------------------------------

   Chums:     b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
   Bastards:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

  The holographic Steve Jobs turned the iPad
  off. "You can turn it off?" I said. "Yes",
  replied Steve, "The inner party have that
  privilege."

-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSOR B3TA
  We want your advertising money

  Seeing as you've read this far down the
  newsletter then yay you! You're OUR kind of
  reader. However, putting the newsletter
  together is both time and effort - and we can
  justify this folly to our families by
  getting the odd sponsored link. So if you're
  sitting on some kind of cash mountain that's
  meant to be spent on promotion then please
  consider a few crumbs for us. 
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Stashie,
  mutated monty, @mintimperial, Arktic,
  scoppied, rootsxrocks, JBrough, @annefgreaves,
  taters, Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver, Nostrebor &
  firebirdmetals. Image challenge by Fraser
  Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols
  via Top tip via robneymcplum. Subjlols via 
  Drunken Mademoiselle Heau.
  
-------------------------------------------------

  TOP TIP:
  Amuse yourself in doctors' or dentists' waiting
  rooms by filling in all the People's Friend
  and Take a Break magazine crosswords just with
  the word 'death' spelled really badly.

next issue »
« previous issue