NEWSLETTER: "EVERYONE WHO READS THIS NEWSLETTER WILL DIE. PLEASE SHARE."
This Week:
* HIPHOP - About shopping centres
* SPAMBOT - Jon Ronson vs mecha-Jon Ronson
* BUMTHING - Draw Something gone wrong
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Wool is the opium
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | of the sheeple"
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|
B3ta email 522 - 30 MAR 2012
Read this issue with your braille-sensitive penis:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue522
In Crowd : [email protected]
Un-In Crowd : [email protected]
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Tyres, Driving, Republicans and Cats
>> Killer tyre attacks youths <<
"Shocking video," boasts maiden, who has
cunningly reversed a viral vid currently doing
the rounds. Bam! Right in the kisser!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Killer_tyre_attacks_yout...
>> Savlonic : The Driver <<
"We've slaved over this," admits weebl, of the
latest vid for his electropop project Savlonic.
He really has pulled out all the stops for this
- simply gorgeous.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Savlonic_The_Driver
>> Republican Rap Battle <<
"This pretty much sums up each candidate's
position in a couple of seconds," informs a
public service-minded Dan Bull. "I wish all
political discourse was conducted in rhyme
format." We would vote Santorum based solely on
this.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Republican_Rap_Battle
>> Monster cat vs shoe <<
"May I present to you 'Monster Cat Vs. Shoe',"
enquires Cope&Dalton. "Or 'How We Wasted
Last Weekend'" Daft, but we liked it.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/MONSTER_CAT_VS_SHOE
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
My First Internets
We wanted your first experiences of the internet.
We got your first experiences of porn on the
internet. Anybody would think that was all it
was for:
http://b3ta.com/questions/internethistory/
* HISTORY - "My Dad retired before computers
became commonplace in offices and the whole
'internet' thing simply passed him by. A
couple of years ago my sister and I decided to
get the folks online. We purchased a
half-decent PC and sorted a broadband
connection. I sat my 75yr-old Dad down for the
first time in front of a gleaming, empty
Google page and explained how it all worked.
'So I just type what I'm interested in into
this and the computer will give me all the
information?' He asked incredulously. Yup. I
replied. It's that simple. We started with his
name. Fortunately it is an unusual name, so
the results were few and surprisingly
detailed. We found a family tree by a US
relative, we spent ages on the census site, we
looked for his old pals on friendsreunited and
watched endless YouTube clips of 1950s motor
racing (he loves that stuff). A couple of
weeks later, I popped in to say hi - but Dad
was on the golf course. So I peeked into his
study, the PC was on and the BBC weather page
was flickering on the screen. Great, I
thought, he's really getting into this,
checking the Beeb for the forecast before
playing a round. I wonder what else he's been
up to... So I checked out his history. Oh. My.
Fucking. God. I have no father." (Albert
Marshmallow)
* FAVOURITES - "I was about 12-13. We had
recently got the internet at home so when I
was alone I obviously went looking for porn. I
found a few images and decided to save them on
the computer. "I'll keep them well hidden," I
said to myself, "in some obscure hidden folder
where no-one will find them." Where did I end
up putting them? Only the fucking startup
folder so they all popped up next time someone
turned the computer on." (styler_moses)
* SEARCH - "Not mine, but the art director I
worked with needed a specific type of New York
street scene for an ad he was creating, and
decided he'd try looking outside commercial
image libraries. He suddenly started saying
"Oh... No... Oh God no... Make it stop...
Cannot unsee..." etc etc. And then a short
pause before he announced, "Never do an image
search for steaming manholes." (prince-igor)
>> This Week - The Great Outdoors <<
Camping! Hiking! Other stuff that's not
indoors! Regale us with your tales of the
great outdoors, whether it involves being
rogered by the Scout Master or skinning your
first rabbit:
http://b3ta.com/questions/thegreatoutdoors/
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If you like to make a statement, then finish it
with "Simples!" please unsubscribe from this
newsletter. You are not welcome here.
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Gif couture <<
No longer the exclusive preserve of the nerdy
and outcast, the humble gif is now toast of the
glitzy fashion houses. In other news, these
animated layouts of fashion campaigns are
amazing and mad.
http://t.co/C4QT8ldH
>> Hah! Gaaaaay! <<
A witless catcall from the back of the class,
at just the touch of a button. This modern life
of ours, so full of wonder and convenience.
http://hahgay.com/
>> Tweety toilet roll <<
Print your Twitter feed onto bog paper, to
properly indulge your hatred of your wretched,
socially mediatized existence.
http://www.getshitter.com/
>> "My real mother is an alien" <<
Recently-elected politician failed to mention
his personal beliefs until safely after voting
ended. "I get more common sense out of the
aliens than out of Scarborough Town Hall," he
says. How odd - perhaps he's making some
oblique point about being religious. Or perhaps
not.
http://t.co/hPskalID
>> Worst of Draw Something <<
Draw Bumthing: The very definition of 'quick
and dirty'.
http://drawbumthing.tumblr.com/
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
What do you get if you cross a TV with the web?
Transvestite spiders.
>> Bulgarian 'Married With Children' <<
The popular 80s TV comedy has been remade in
Bulgaria and it's like a bad cover version -
quite compelling if you're familiar with the
original. Other remakes include an Argentine
version 'Casados Con Hijos' and one in Hungry,
"A gruesomely decent family in Budapest".
http://bit.ly/H3pRtK
>> Come to the Pentagon Shopping Centre <<
Few adverts are as ill-judged and sinister as
this. Everything about it that could be wrong
is wrong - wonderful stuff, and we very much
hope it's real and not some hipster nonsense.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Jon Ronson vs Jon Ronson Spambot <<
Journalist Ronson is a popular chap on Twitter,
so popular that someone set up a fake Ronson
account tweeting nonsense. Ronson goes to meet
them and they're much weirder than you'd
expect.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Jon_Ronson_vs_His_Spambo...
>> Women's gym machines from the 1940s <<
The one at the start is wanking them like
they're huge, 5'6" lady-penises. Hmm, might
have to go for a bit of a lie down.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Womens_gym_exercises_fro...
>> "Freestyler" parody on Russian television. <<
Unsure if this is a sketch or an actual bit of
a Russian show like Moscow's Got Talent but
it's pretty entertaining either way. BTW: The
name Bomfunk MC is a radio-safe version of
their original name The Bumfuck MCs.
http://bit.ly/Hp845F
>> Painting a room - death metal style <<
Boys being idiots but amusing idiots.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Painting_a_room_death_me...
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: FRIDAY GAME
Epic Sax Game
More 8-bit lols in this Guitar Hero style midi
sax game. Bleepingly good.
http://www.pippinbarr.com/games/epicsaxgame/EpicSa...
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Trademarks Challenge
Last week we wanted you to mess with copyright.
Your favourites included:
* ANGRY: searing political satire in frank,
state-of-the-nation Photoshop strip
(monkeon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10728009
* CLEVER: GOP logo re-branding exercise leads
to subliminal Nazi propaganda (Brian O'Blivion)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10724662
* BUNNY: children's favourite finds gainful
employment in sex industry (HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10724454
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/trademarks/
>> New challenge: Extreme Toys <<
This week's challenge is take kid's toys,
introduce them to the world of extreme sports,
and picture them partaking in such events. It's
entirely gnarly.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/extreme/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* SCRAMBLED EDD RIP - "Don't know if you've
heard", writes Happy Toast, "but Edd Gould
(Edds World) died on Sunday, at the very least
can you put a thing in the newsletter."
http://b3ta.com/links/771349
* LONDON B3TA ART AUCTION - HappyToast again
writes, "The 2012 London B3ta Bash online art
auction starts next Monday! Look at what's up
for grabs here."
http://b3ta.com/links/749374"
* I SPOTTED HEATHER MILLS - SauronWibble
writes, "In regards to the Rock'n'roll tedium
post in last week's newsletter: I just wanted to
add that the closest I've ever been to a Beatle
was seeing Heather Mills limp onto a train I was
on, she got on (cue a few women actually
yelling as if she was a 'celeb'), then she
disappeared into the toilet. 10 minutes later
she emerges to a flash of iPhones and delirious
squeaking, gets her laptop out and turns it
away from me and glares as if I was trying to
look at it (I wasn't). Turns out she wasn't
dodging a ticket, the whole carriage started to
smell like her big poo. Shit stinks Heather,
your shit stinks."
* PSYCHOPATHIC EMAIL OF THE WEEK THAT HAS
UTTERLY NO CONTEXT - dussiper writes, "Wes. I
see you're up to your usual crap, not letting
people win. Why don't you just disappear from
the earth you assho(*&(*^&. You don't know the
first thing about doing business in tha
USA........"
* CATS4GOLD REDUX - Cats4Gold writes, "Cat
Converters launches new website for
cash-strapped cat owners..." We're highly
impressed that they've managed to wrest the web
domain from the grasp of the powerful Catalytic
Converter cartel...
http://www.catconverters.com
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include:
* TWITTER THEORY - Who you follow: what you
want to be. Who follows you: what you actually
are. Can anyone test this?
* SPIN DICTIONARY - Turns out that "Britain is
open for business" was code for "fire sale of
publicly-owned assets." We need a dictionary of
this stuff.
* INTERNATIONAL HOLE COMPETITION - dig a hole,
keep digging, who can dig the furthest?
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Chumbags : [email protected]
Scumbags : [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @pieceoplastic,
@DAGaston, @davebirss, @cr3, @pablo100, @codepo8,
@hollybrocks, Lee Nolan, Hardfarter, Stashie,
sinisterduck. Top tip via Theophilous Thunderwulf.
Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
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TOP TIP:
Trying to help someone who's choking on an ice
cube? Simply pour boiling water down their
throat. Problem solved.
