NEWSLETTER: "EVEN BETTER THAN A NIGHT UNDER LONDON BRIDGE"
This Week:
* VIDEO - "Internet, Internet"
* QUIZ - Name all the Bond films
* NSFW - Indifferent cats in amateur porn
-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Having complex feelings
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | about the web since
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| 2001.. together"
B3ta email 532 - 8th June 2012
Whisper this newsletter in a sinister voice:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue532
Join the cabal: [email protected]
Hide from us: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
: DON'T FORGET FATHER'S DAY GREETING CARDS!
(Sponsored linky winky woo)
The Diamond Jubilee is over, so how are you
going to fill your weekend? Checkout this
website for some sublime nonsense.
http://www.brainboxcandygallery.com
Need a funny Father's day card as well?
They have this covered like a Jimmy Hat
http://www.brainboxcandygallery.com/page101.htm
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Extended longer than necessary because of Jubilee
>> INTERNET INTERNET <<
"Me & @peepholecircus & @superpowerless have done
a song / animation," writes your Ginger Fuhrer
Rob Manuel. "It's called 'Internet Internet',
it's part one of my existential rock opera about
technology and it is complete genius. I won't
accept differing opinions on this."
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> How many Bond films can you name in 5 minutes? <<
"Just made this for no particular reason," claims
obvious MI6 mole cabbage. Tougher than you might
think, largely because Bond film titles get
super-generic after a while. TIP: "The Man with the
Golden Penis" is an incorrect answer.
http://ruletheweb.co.uk/bond/
>> Random film suggest-o-matic <<
"Hello chums," smiles exceeder. "I've made a
thing that suggests good films at random from
IMDB, RottentTomatoes, 1000 Films to See Before
You Die. Also, give it a film you like and it'll
suggest more like it. And it has wood wallpapers!"
Great source of cheap entertainment - well,
free if you don't pay for the films.
http://movietime.cc/
>> "Are you sure you still love horses?" <<
"There are other hobbies / pastimes," offers
flucksticks, refreshing a venerable web meme.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Are_you_sure_you_still_l...
>> Diamond Jubilee Abridged <<
In case you couldn't make it, or blotted it
out with heroin & al fresco sausage rolls:
"Ohhh yes, it's that time again!" grins whoabot.
"The Queen's Diamond Jubilee abridged and
drunkenly narrated into something under
100 seconds!"
http://b3ta.com/links/The_Queens_Diamond_Jubilee_A...
>> Vintage Photo Effects For The Web <<
"Vintage photo apps have shown us all that the
crystal-clear images modern technology allows us
to capture can be greatly enhanced by making
them look like they've been taken by an old,
cheap, crappy camera," observes hell_monkeyo.
"With RetroWebMatic you can do the same thing
to websites." Huzzah! Maybe Facebook will buy
this for $1b too.
http://www.retrowebmatic.com/
>> The Queen - 60 years in 6 seconds <<
"Something I knocked up whilst bored," explains
Cyriak. Knocked up, then drove into our skulls
through the eye socket. Thanks Cyriak.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Queen_60_years_in_6_...
-------------------------------------------------
: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
War - what is it good for?
We asked for your stories of fighting, conflict
and guns. We got stories of fighting, conflict
and beer. And poo:
http://b3ta.com/questions/war/
* BOMBS - "Being a fairly bright sort, my
grandfather reached two conclusions in 1939.
There was likely to be a call-up of able-bodied
men and owning a shoe-shop did not count as a
reserved occupation. He had no desire to be
drafted. Not one little bit. And he had a
brainwave. He would go and volunteer for the
RAF: as a good tinkerer with engines, he'd make
splendid ground-crew. And have little to no
chance of being shot in France, Burma, or 14,000
feet above either. The RAF was only too happy
to help him realise his scheme. In fact, they
went one better. At parade one morning, it was
announced that Canada needed people to work on
engine development. It was also announced that
volunteers were being sought. This was too good
to be true. My grandad volunteered. Sadly, he
hadn't been paying much attention to the syntax.
Yes, people were needed to go to Canada to faff
with engines. Yes, volunteers were sought. But
these two facts were not related. Thanks to his
heroic cowardice, my grandfather volunteered to
spent years in Malta having the living bejeezus
bombed out of him by the Luftwaffe." (Enzyme)
* KNIVES - "Strolling home after a night out, up
ahead there's a couple having a blazing row in
the street. Just as we reached them, the argument
appeared to reach a new level and the bloke
reaches behind and whips out what I assumed was
a knife, bringing it around towards the woman's
face. To my utter amazement, I find that I've
tackled the knife-wielding maniac, and I'm pinning
him against the wall by the wrists. He looks
totally shocked; I suppose I look fiercer than
I really am - in reality I'm a soft southern
bastard who couldn't fight a cold. We stare at
each other for a moment, then our eyes flick up
to the knife. Which wasn't a knife at all. In
fact, what he was holding was a piece of paper,
which he was intending to wave accusingly in his
partner's face. There's really no well-defined
protocol for having aggressively attacked a total
stranger for what could have been no more than
literary criticism. I release his arms, we
gradually back off with muttered apologies and
careful, watchful reassurances. Eventually both
groups go on their way, the woman saying to the
man, "See! Now look how you've embarrassed me in
front of those people!" (moon monkey)
* GUNS - "The best thing about being a RAF
cadet was the annual training flight: "Cadet!
Would you like control?" "Yes Sir!" "Cadet I
am handing you control, do you have control?"
"Yes Sir! I have control." And with that you
are flying. Keeping an eye on the attitude
indicator, I kept level, banked a bit - it was
piss easy. Then I noticed the red button. On
the top of the joystick was a lid and below
was the most inviting big, round red button.
I pushed it. Nothing. I held it down. Again,
nothing. They must have disconnected the guns.
Shame. The instructor took back control to
land. We came tearing down towards the base
and I couldn't help myself. I grabbed the
stick and button. "PEW! PEW! PEW! DADADADADA!
BOOSH! BRRRRRR! DADADADADADADA!" I screamed
at imaginary enemies. "Too close for missiles!
I'm switching to guns! I'll just brake and
he'll fly right past me! ICEMAN! This is
Maverick!" I blithered, all the time mashing
the big red button. I returned to the briefing
room to be greeted by cadets pissing themselves
and about ten uniformed, real RAF people slowly
and cynically clapping me. Turns out the red
button wasn't a gun. It wasn't even the bomb
release. It was a one-way distress radio
frequency that connected directly to the
control tower." (Albert Marshmallow)
>> This Week - Getting Old 2 <<
Want a reminder of how you are rushing headlong
toward your decrepitude? We last asked this
question eight years ago... Ouch.
http://b3ta.com/questions/gettingold2/
-------------------------------------------------
: FUCKING HELL AMAZON YOU'RE SELLING WHAT?
Nazi unforms, yep, Nazi uniforms
Members of the BNP, Tories and Prince Harry
rejoice for now you can buy your partyware
from the compfort of your PC. Only about £40
and suitable for "12 years and up."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B004871HB...
-------------------------------------------------
: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Indifferent cats in amateur porn <<
Cats + porn cover approximately 99.999% of all
reasons to go on the internet, so this time
next week this tumblr will be bigger than Google.
You're welcome. NSFW. NSFW. NSFW. NSFW.
http://indifferent-cats-in-amateur-porn.tumblr.com...
>> Rude sign language <<
Now you can communicate the concept of 'penis'
to a deaf person without getting arrested. Or
writing the word down on a piece of paper.
(Also worth looking up 'Vagina' and 'Homosexual')
http://search.asltrainer.com/search
>> Museum of Endangered Sounds <<
Wallow in aural nostalgia at the soothing sound
of outdated technology glitching. Thank fuck
these things are obsolete now everything is
virtual including our sex lives.
http://savethesounds.info/
>> Fake essay writing <<
You've got to write an essay and your parents
/ partner are hovering and you've done jack
shit? Essaytyper is here to help you look
like you're working! Choose a subject then
go to town mashing those keys!
http://www.essaytyper.com/
>> Shite food reviewed <<
The culinary delights of your local corner
shop's freezer cabinet, conscientiously tasted
and reviewed. We were particularly tickled by
the idea of 'sausage neutral' - all things
being either better or worse than a Walls
sausage.
http://www.shitefood.co.uk/
>> 10-year internet cancer hoax unravels <<
A good, long read this as internet sleuths
finally tease out the threads of an overwrought,
online drama that went on for over a decade.
To reveal... what?
http://gaw.kr/Llow9g
-------------------------------------------------
: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like telly but b.b.b.b.buffering
>> Nap time for kids <<
Youngsters make a lot of noise. Now there's a
solution - and it's remarkably close to the
Douglas Adams idea of "an off switch for
children."
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Say no to Vertical Video Syndrome. <<
More and more internet videos are filmed by
people holding their phones wrong. A timely
campaign to stamp out this evil. Although we
wonder if this could be solved by iPhone /
Android etc etc detecting the orientation of
the phone and putting up the message,
"rotate your phone you pillock."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Say_no_to_Vertical_Video...
>> Thank You, Hater! <<
Isabel Fay giving big love to the trolls of the
world through the media of song and dance.
Although we slightly worry that this adds weight
to the growing mood for removing anonymity on
the internet - and then what for whistleblowers?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Thank_You_Hater
>> Redubbed Star Wars lols <<
Formula: 1. Take a popular film. 2. Download
a foreign language version. 3. Make your own
script via subtitles.
http://bit.ly/NVKPkt
>> Cat getting chair massage <<
We like it when cats do human things, like
getting a massage, or opening a fridge, or using
the cloak of the free market to engage in war
on weaker countries.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cat_getting_chair_massag...
>> A three-minute history of videogames. <<
Two ways to watch this: 1. How many mins /
seconds can you watch this to pinpoint the
exact second you lost interest in mainstream
video games? or 2. Yay video games - love them.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/A_three_minute_history_o...
-------------------------------------------------
: FUNNY NAME CORNER
More cockchafer "lols"
Grandmasterfluffles writes, "Hi! I've got a
follow-up on last week's Funny Name Corner, via
the Grade 6 cello syllabus. It can be found in
a book called Time Pieces, which is bought by
pretty much everyone taking ABRSM Grades 1-6 as
it has most of the pieces on the syllabus in
it. Fortunately I only teach adults, so I am
allowed to laugh at filth during lessons."
http://www.pinkfishmedia.net/forum/showthread.php
-------------------------------------------------
: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Perspective Challenge
Last week we wanted you portray iconic moments
from the other guy's point of view.
Your favourites included:
* HULK: the view from the Towers, just
before the devastation (claptonista)
http://b3ta.com/board/10778442
* BIRTH: infamous alien stomach
explosion in cute revision
(HappyToast)
http://b3ta.com/board/10775258
* JONES: the ark of the covenant's
inhabitants excitedly prepare for
release (Joe Scaramanga)
http://b3ta.com/board/10778704
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/perspective/
>> New challenge: Hack Springwatch <<
TV nature programme Spingwatch is asking
its viewers to send in photos of birds
nesting in unusual places. We think the
men and women of b3ta are the best
qualified to provide them.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/springwatch/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* TOURETTES DICE - The random profanity-
generating dice featured last issue proved
so popular that inventor DukeEuphoria writes,
"Now on sale here. For money. Yes."
http://www.storenvy.com/products/387708-tourettes-...
* SECRET BBC B3TA SHOUT-OUTS - In his radio show
intro @destructo9000 managed to work in three
popular B3tan memes for your listening pleasure.
Can you get all three?
http://bbc.in/4qhiOi
* WEETABIX CEMENT - "You can indeed use weetabix
as plaster," claims Breaker of Laptops. "I
once had to chisel away a section of wall to
get to the 'leccy wires that I'd just
accidentally drilled through. Once it was
fixed, being poor, I had no plaster. So a bowl
of weetabix, warm milk and 5 desert spoons
of sugar later: lickable plaster. It's still
there 25 years later under eight layers of
paint." Seems sound.
* WEETABIX CEMENT II - reader Weetobix (no
relation) gives the verdict from his own
polyfilla vs weetabix study: "After leaving
for a couple of days, we noticed the weetabix
dried with very little cracking or shrinkage,
sanded well and took a coat of paint lovely,
and to this day is probably part of the
Hendrefoelan student village in Swansea." Tidy.
* SWIMMING IN OIL? - Albert the Mildly Deranged
points out that "you can't swim in pure oil"
because, basically, you'd sink right to the
bottom. Human body's too dense.
http://www.letsrun.com/forum/flat_read.php
-------------------------------------------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include solutions
to the mundane stuff that we're bogged down with.
* LEAKING ROOF SOLUTIONS - our roof is leaking.
How should we fix this without spending LOADS
OF FUCKING CASH.
* HOW TO NOT HAVE ROWS WITH OFFICIALS? - Mrs
B3ta has just vowed never to visit the Post
Office after having a passport form refused.
* HOW TO REPAIR TRAINERS - it seams insane that
trainers get thrown away as there's no obvious
way to repair them once a hole has been worn
into the back of the heel.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
-------------------------------------------------
Friends: [email protected]
STD Friends: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by pissflaps,
Jahled, ‏@Skeptobot, @SimonNRicketts,
@mildlydiverting, @hexapodium, @stebax,
@jamesmarshall42, @trink_uk, PintMcPint,
Captain Howdy, sinisterduck, BrokenCoccyx,
waz4444. Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Toptip via
robneymcplum. Subjlols via Captain Howdy.
-------------------------------------------------
TOP TIP:
Prevent unwanted pregnancies by only sleeping
with men. PS. This doesn't work if you are
a woman.
