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This Week:
* ART ATTACK - How to draw a willy 
* AMAZON TAT - More junk with stupid reviews
* DONATE - For the return of Great Giana Sisters

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |   "We are lucky cows,  
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |     we surf the web
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       and browse"

B3ta email 543  - 24th Aug 2012

Read this issue backwards and summon Satan:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue543 

    VR helmet :  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Glans helmet : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
  Pups, 'saurs & cabinets
  
  >> Puppy Bot <<
  "Puppy Bot is cute in a gruesome kind of way,"
  claims weebl. We contend that it's gruesome, in
  a cute kind of way.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Puppy_Bot


  >> Dinosaurs <<
  "I made this video about dinosaurs. Can you
  deal with it please? Make loads of people watch
  it," pleads George Cottier. Watch it - you'll
  learn something.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9JY172thVuI


  >> Modern retro arcade <<
  If you're a gaming geek with a bent for
  tasteful, modernist design then this could be
  right up your street.. "Thought it might be of
  interest to your readership?" inquires Tom
  Goodfellow. "Or maybe you'd like to buy it (;"
http://tom-goodfellow.tumblr.com/

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: AMAZON TAT
  More "comedy" reviews for "lol" products

  * BIRO FOR GIRLS - Best review? "Oh. My. God.
  I've been doing it all wrong. There was me
  thinking I didn't need to worry about whether
  my writing implement sufficiently reflected my
  gender. Thank you so much Bic for showing me
  the error of my ways"
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B004FTGJUW/b3ta-21


  * BANANA SLICER - Best review? "I cut a banana
  with a knife yesterday and I felt so worn out
  and lethargic."
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B001F5STWU/b3ta-20


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Foot in Mouth

  Last week we asked you about those times when
  you've opened your mouth without engaging your
  brain. Social and workplace embarrassment ahoy!
http://b3ta.com/questions/footinmouthtwo/

  * SUFFER THE CHILDREN - I was chatting to the
  female half of a nice young professional couple
  who had just moved in next door. She had taken
  in a parcel for me and I was reclaiming it,
  trying to act like a normal person - chit chat
  and not being a complete tit, that sort of
  thing. I was apologising in advance for the
  amount of noise that our two kids make, trying
  to make it sound like I was joking, before the
  subject moved on to jobs. Her partner was a
  surgeon and she worked at Great Ormond Street
  Hospital. "Oh right", I trilled, "so you'll be
  used to the sound of crying children." (Naich)


  * LOL MISOGYNY - Came home from work to tell
  the wife that I needed to go to Amsterdam on
  business. "You going to bring me back something
  nice?", she asked. "STD!", I volunteered
  brightly.  She didn't see the funny side.
  (kaptinkurtz)

  * WORK IS HELL - I approach someone that I dont
  know that well, and go "Have you got this weeks
  roster on that computer? Who am I working with
  tomorrow?".  She goes "It's Fred Bloggs" (name
  changed obviously). I roll my eyes and she asks
  why. I run blindly into a situation by replying
  "Because he's a wanker". She says "Do you know
  who he is?" I wince and go "Your husband?" I
  was right. And now I have to work with both of
  them. ( Kung_Fu_Russ)


  >> This week  THE WANK BANK <<
  What experiences have you had that you've
  stored in your wank bank - share them so we can
  start a mutual wanking building society. Send
  us your filthy memories:
http://b3ta.com/questions/wankbank/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Awkward stock video <<
  Collection of the dorkiest, most
  weirdly-specific stock video footage. 5 bonus
  points if you've ever seen one of these in an
  ad. 120 bonus points if you've managed to use
  one of them in an ad. An ad you directed.
http://awkwardstockvideo.tumblr.com/archive


  >> Sad glans bottom lip <<
  People look strangely unhappy, even
  disgruntled, when you photoshop the penis out
  of a blowjob pic, leaving the glans as the
  lower lip. All this is to say: NSFW, with cocks
  and such. Don't say you weren't warned. NSFW
  NSFW AND AGAIN NSFW!
http://imgur.com/a/cvLfN


  >> Dogshaming <<
  Badly-behaved mutts on some sort of 12-step
  programme. You have to publicly admit the
  shameful things you've done.
http://dogshaming.tumblr.com/


  >> Solitaire win <<
  Find Windows Solitaire takes too long to get to
  the good bit? Here's the reward without the
  pain.
http://mrdoob.com/lab/javascript/effects/solitaire/


  >> 4Chan messes with Mountain Dew <<
  The soft drinks brand asked for customers to
  suggest and vote for new drinks flavours. Oh
  those 4Chan scallywags!
http://bit.ly/Nqaujr


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Imagine if your 386sx could play video. Wow!

  >> Art Attack: How to draw a cock. <<
  There should be a word for the type of video
  where the presenter is making something and the
  satirist sticks in their own shots of what is
  being made. Any ideas?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Art_Attack_How_to_draw_a_cock


  >> iPhone 5 promo vid. <<
  Apparently the new iPhone will be most used for
  taking shots of food to be shared on social
  media. We've just checked our own Facebook feed
  for see if the satire is accurate and mostly
  got: babies, weddings and really shit "lol"
  pictures that make us feel empty despair.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/iphone_5_promo_vid


  >> Home decor revenge <<
  Little brother messes with big brother's
  facebook profile. Payback is merciless,
  thorough and extremely pink.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/bedroom_painted_revenge


  >> Dog responds to secret code word <<
  The unexpected comedy goldmine of training your
  friend's dog to respond to a code word. Superb!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Dog_responds_to_secret_code_word


  >> Man-Eater <<
  Bloke invents a silly, little game to entertain
  people on their daily commute.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Man_Eater


  >> Sock Five <<
  Oddly poignant, surreal doings, from long-time
  b3tan David Firth.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Sock_Five


  >> The Revolution Will Be Televised <<
  If you watch one BBC comedy this week if should
  be this. IF only for the rather brave bit where
  the presenters turn up at Tony Blair's house
  and try and fit a stained glass window
  portraying "Saint Tony." Quite surprised this
  show was broadcast to be honest.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p00vqgx3


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Not making you smile since 1978

  Rushy writes, "Please don't hate me, but it's
  something for funny name corner. Basically a
  piece on circumcision on males from BBC News.
  The source they've chosen to interview? Dr
  Marvin Wang of course. I'm sorry. I won't do it
  again. I love you."
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-19072761

  BTW: We're too lazy to think up a circumciison
  joke but if we did it would probably be a
  variation on "we do it for the tips" kind of
  thing.


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: FRIDAY GAME(s)
  Give up & Project Giana plug

  >> Give up <<
  Portalesque 2D single screen platformer with
  ~50 increasingly challenging layouts to clear.
  We gave up by level 5 and particularly enjoyed
  pressing the give up button.
http://armorgames.com/play/13662/give-up

  >> Project Giana <<
  Craig Robinson of Gp32 / Pandora fame writes,
  "I was wondering if you might try to help these
  guys? They are trying to raise $150k to
  kickstart a new version of the classic The
  Great Giana Sisters. I know a lot of the
  newsletter readers are classic gamers, so it
  seems worth a try."
http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/project-giana/project-giana



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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the British Comic Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to celebrate the
  great history of British comics
  
  Your favourites included:
 
  * SMOOTH - click the "I Like This" button
    with wild abandon, for it's the Bash 
    Street Kids, rendered in near-reality
    (Smallbrainfield)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10829035

  * CHOKE - Brainy, Blinky, Radar, Snitch, 
    Cruncher and Cock (viet_donkey_cong) 
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10829816

  * HEROES: those pesky Bash Street Kids 
    return, and this time they seek justice
    (Captain Howdy)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10830984
  
  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/british-comics/


  >> New challenge: Fictional Tourism <<
  Using the mystical power of Photoshop, 
  create travel brochures encouraging 
  tourism to fictional lands and cities, 
  from Narnia to New New York. Challenge 
  suggested by greg_evigan
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/fictional-tourism/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * B3TA PERSON BOOK - "Hi B3ta," writes H. O.
  Charles, "A little while ago I wrote to you
  about a book I had written, and then I became
  so embarrassed by my own naivety and lack of
  confidence that I shied away from the publicity
  that I had initially sought. 

  "So with much less trepidation (and the support
  of a few positive reviews) I would like to
  announce that my first book has been revised
  considerably, and it is now 56% less shit. I
  have also published two more, plus a novella.
  There are a few b3ta references in there (both
  in text and image), and a likeness of Smug
  Bastard makes a rather medieval appearance in
  the second novel. 

  "The first book is part of a fantasy series
  that centres on a love story and a great many
  swords. There is a small degree of cheese and a
  fair bit of complexity. Anyway, please give it
  a go, and if you feel it's deserved, a small
  feature in your wonderful newsletter. 

  "The ebook version is free."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0057XSNGS/b3ta-21


  * YADDA YADDA PHONE ADVOCACY - Sandettie LVA
  writes, "$4.99 is a bit steep for an app to
  measure your heart rate, when you can download
  'Instant Heart Rate' by Azumio Inc from the
  Android Market FOR FREE! You rest your index
  finger on the camera lens and it measures
  colour changes in the flesh. Or something.
  Don't have an Android phone? Serves you right.
  Also, Speccies are better than Commodore 64s
  and Amigas were superior to Atari STs."


  * SIR IAN BOWLER IN EDINBURGH - "Some may like
  this. Many may not," writes alter-ego Natt. If
  you happen to be taking in the Fringe, keep
  your eyes peeled for the Tory corporo-humanoid.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Sir_Ian_Bowler_in_Edinburgh


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
  Cats, computers & ads

  >> Cute cat movie <<
  "Here's a video we made about being caught in a
  cat-video viewing cycle," explain hellomums.
  "How best to break it?" Is there really any
  escape?
http://vimeo.com/47639159


  >> Computer party <<
  I made a new thing innit," greets Joel Veitch.
  "Dave the rabbit decides to throw a computer
  party and also reveals his mathematical
  innovation."
http://b3ta.com/links/Computer_Party


  >> New Birds Eye Fish Fingers advert <<
  Clarence the bear takes a minute out of
  advertising frozen foods, to flash back to his
  Arctic roots. Brutal stuff from HappyToast.
http://bit.ly/NqavDW


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include. Ah fuck
  it, this week we'll list some minor tech peeves.

  * WIRELESS TECHNOLOGY THAT'S ACTUALLY WIRELESS
  - despite Bluetooth, WiFi etc our office is
  fucking covered in wires. When will we be free
  from this junk?

  * FACEBOOK REPLACED BY SOMETHING ELSE - that a.
  doesn't spy on you and b. can serve you links
  to newspapers which don't broadcast "John has
  just read 'Transvestite sought in drugs
  investigation'" to all your chums.

  * BETTER iPHONE ICONS - Often we're left
  hunting for apps on the screen because the
  icons are non obvious. Spotify is just some
  green blob with no music on it. Worst is the
  photos one. A sunflower? Why can't it actually
  be one of your recent photos?

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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    Sexy time:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
  Unsexy time:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Enzyme, tim,
  jellybeanflicker, Melatonin, waz4444, Herb
  Alpert's Taxi Driver, ElusiveCamel, dirk
  speedrift, Pedantichrist, Dawn Of The Bread,
  redrazil, littlefeet, claptonista & MC. Image
  challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
  bloke. This is issue 543. A special number, as
  it's the number of the best bus route in
  Wolverhampton. Ride it for the ride of your
  life. How many fewer books would the great
  authors have written if their typewriters had a
  magic button that displayed infinite varieties
  of porn?
  
-------------------------------------------------

  TOP TIP:
  Trying to work out who keeps stealing your
  favourite mug from the office kitchen? Simply
  get a tramp to spit in it and keep an eye out
  for anyone dying the following week. (MrOli)

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