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NEWSLETTER: CHLAMYDIA IS A TERRIBLE NAME FOR A BABY

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This Week:
* WEDDING - in a box!
* LEGO - your stories
* STAR WARS - blooper reel

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____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |  "This is     
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |     hard to
__/____/____/|__/_/ |_|       format correctly"

B3ta email 605 - 1 Nov 2013

Read this issue whilst stuffing face with web cake:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue605

   Friends :  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
   Fuckers : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  Pointless banana slicer on Amazon provides
  an opportunity for comedy reviews SHOCK. 

  It's a thing. It cuts bananas up, surely that's
  all there is to say?

  BEST: "This was great until I came in drunk one
  night and got an idea. Do NOT use this on
  anything other than a banana. Trust me."

  WORST: "This has got to be the most pointless
  kitchen gadget EVER! Your banana has to be the
  perfect size to fit, with the perfect curve. I
  can't believe you actually stock this!!!"
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B003CLFC98/b3ta-21

  
  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK

  >> Analogue phonecall <<
  "This is what I do when I'm not on b3ta,"
  writes LP. "This is a phone call through two of
  my 1950s electromechanical phone exchanges and
  through two asterisk voip servers that are 30
  miles apart, linked by the internets."
  Basically retro nerd-porn.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/what_I_do_when_Im_not_on_here


  >> Superboy - Tyler's new pyjamas <<
  "My little boy is very proud of his new PJs,"
  beams Black Moon. "Has to be watched to see his
  cute little jump at the end. Bless."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Superboy_Tylers_new_pyjamas


  >> Wedding in a box <<
  "Inspired by my girlfriend's mum's constant
  marriage nagging," explains Touched by an Angle
  Grinder.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1088783/


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: USVSTH3M
  Stuff made by us from our other website

  >> Daily Mail or Stormfront?
  Upvoted Mail Online comments, mixed with
  comments from a neo-Nazi forum. Spot the
  difference...
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/daily-mail-or-stormfront/


  >> Lou Reed's Metal Machine Listening Party <<
  How long can you maintain your respectful vigil
  at Lou Reed's Metal Machine Listening Party.
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/loureed/


  >> 18 things only northerners will understand <<
  You've moved down south - we feel your pain.
http://usvsth3m.com/post/65623530326/


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Lego
 
  We love Lego and wanted to know if you did
  too:
http://b3ta.com/questions/lego/


  * JUMP START - "My parents couldn't afford to buy
   me the Technical Lego that I lusted after, but
   along came Weetabix, with a special offer:
   collect some tokens and get a free (very small)
   box of the stuff. I duly stuffed myself with
   wheaty goodness at every opportunity and
   collected enough tokens for not just one but
   three whole sets of the stuff. 

   "I had my heart set on building a working car
   and duly scavenged as many compatible bits as
   I could. After hours of toil, I had something
   that looked a bit like a car with a working
   three-ratio gearbox. I was so proud, but it
   wasn't enough. What it really needed was a
   motor! Obviously there was no way I was going
   to be able to buy one of the official Lego
   motor sets, but what everyday 80s household
   item has a small, battery-driven motor?
   
   "My sister's tape machine! And she was out! A
   stack of batteries, a bit of wiring and lots
   of sticky tape and voila, one self-powered
   three-gear Lego vehicle. Sadly, the motor was
   pretty puny. I needed more power. Sod the
   batteries, I can connect it direct to the
   mains. I mean, the tape deck had a mains
   connector, what could possibly go wrong? I'll
   just connect these two wires to this cable
   here... My mum came running when she heard the
   BANG and found me shaking, covered in
   cartoon-style comedy soot."
(reallywittyname)
 

  * ADDICT - "I must admit to being addicted to
   Lego during my teenage years. I even took on
   a shitty washer-upper job in a nearby restaurant
   to fund my shocking habit. In the end I had
   quite a collection that would bring me hours
   of joy. I can remember clearly the hazy summer
   days spent slaving away putting dishes in the
   gigantic washer, anticipating the end of day
   when I got paid my paltry £5.50 (this was before
   minimum wage.)

   "I'd rush to the nearest shop and spend ages
   appreciating any new stock and weighing up my
   options. With stealth and practised precision
   I would quickly buy my prized possession and
   run home with haste. Finally, in the solitude
   of my bedroom and with my newly acquired Lego
   I would wank myself blind. No, hang on, not
   Lego. The other one. Porn mags."
(plant)
 

  * SHOE - "I have created a shoe made out of Lego
   So when you step on it it doesn't hurt, you just
   get taller."
(fucksocks)


  >> This Week - FANCY DRESS FAILURES PT2 <<
  Dressing up for parties is such a social mine
  field - it's just so easy to fall into a Nazi
  uniform these days. Tell us all about your
  worst outfits:
http://b3ta.com/questions/fancydress2/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Ca$hcats.biz <<
  The rich cats of instagram, only much more
  gangster.
http://cashcats.biz/


  >> Most unfortunately named / designed font ever <<
  The word is meant to be "Rope".
http://www.dafont.com/rope.font?text=Rope


  >> Porn comments on bland stock photos <<
  Stock photo libraries have endless pics of
  corporate men using computers - porn sites have
  thousands of very strange, semi-literate
  comments. At last you can enjoy both
  simultaneously.
http://pornhubcommentsonstockphotos.tumblr.com/


  >> Church looks like flaccid penis <<
  Hurrah for the church in Dixon that looks like
  a penis complete with glans, shaft,
  semi-flaccid curvature and testicles.
http://goo.gl/mzuMGj


  >> Unusual name for an Apple store... <<
  Did the people who opened this Apple shop in
  York not google the name first?
http://www.stormfront.co.uk/york/


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO

  >> Marching band does Hollywood <<
  US marching band goes all out in a 'tribute to
  Hollywood'. It's basically amazing pixel art,
  but the pixels are all playing trumpets.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Suck_on_this_North_Korea


  >> Wind sculpture jellyfish <<
  Looking like a beautiful portal to another
  dimension, this wind-powered sculpture is truly
  mesmerising.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/So_this_is_a_real_thing_Honestly


  >> Kid overcomes stutter. <<
  This vid will make you shit tears from your eye
  holes, because you are a beautiful human being
  and have a soul.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Kid_overcomes_stutter


  >> Star Wars blooper reel <<
  Recently unearthed, here's the Star Wars cast
  and crew arsing things up in ways you hitherto
  hadn't seen. Word to the wide: there's no sound
  until 45s in.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Star_Wars_bloopers


  >> Tow truck fail <<
  Incredibly incompetent roadside recovery...
  worth the long-ish buildup.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KBxSntGGm8U


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 

  >> The best name on IMDB? <<
  Terribly childish but fun.
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0098729/


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Soviet UK Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to chastise 
  modern Britain via the medium of ancient
  Soviet Propaganda

  Your favourites included:
 
  * ATOS  healthcare cannibals held up
  to grim damnation (Captn Hood-Butter) 
http://www.b3ta.com/board/11023225
 
  * ATOS II  further criticism of ever-
  unpopular Tory stooges (Featheredfish)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/11023188
  
  * NSA  poster tribute to fibre-optic 
  snoop king (Beau Bo d'Or)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/11023121
  
  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/soviet-uk/


  >> New challenge: Hollywood Internet <<
  What if the internet existed in classic 
  films? How would the characters have made 
  use of it? How would they have been 
  marketed? What plots would have been 
  ruined, and which enhanced? Please show 
  us, via the medium of image-based web 
  humour. Challenge suggested by Monkeon
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/hollywood-internet/


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include:

  * CAKES MADE OF CHEESE AND MEAT - because, you
  know, low carb.
  
  * A CHROME EXTENSION THAT BLOCKS MENTIONS OF
  CHRISTMAS - it's still too early.
  
  * CUT AND PASTE that works between your
  computer and the one next to it.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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    Sub:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
    Stub:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by emdotdee
  sir_spicious2000, buffet_the_appetite_slayer,
  Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver, mike woz ere, 
  and stoodles.
  Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Subjlol from Tom.
  
  
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  TOP TIP:
  Make people think you're a shark by biting
  huge chunks out of their legs. (Just a vagabond) 

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