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NEWSLETTER: "IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO FIND ROYALTY FREE IMAGES OF THE QUEEN"

 
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This Week:
* FUNNY STORIES - your faves
* ANIMATRONIC - nose-penis rap
* PTSD - with original 70s-era Action Man

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "Did we ever get round      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  to saving the web? 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|  Memory fails us."

B3ta email 668 - 26th June 2015

Read this after inhaling botty fumes: 
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue668

Friend b3ta on Facebook: 
https://www.facebook.com/b3tan

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: SPONSORED LINK
  Racing Post Horse Name Generator
  Harness powerful science to learn if you're a
  Northumberland Chorizo or a Back Door Merkel.
Learn your racehorse name and rating here:
http://bit.ly/nagname

  
  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Other than celebrating being closer to death
  
  >> Anarchy in the FB <<
  Puntastic nonsense from Merkinhead: Facebook
  "sings" the Sex Pistols. 
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Anarchy_in_the_Fb


  >> The Knitwit Show <<
  Pi Bennett has animated some wool into quite
  the collection of short comedy sketches.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Knitwit_Show_in_a_show_form


  >> He-Man in his twilight years <<
  Fray Brentos writes, "A few years back, I
  posted up a couple of cartoons that I'd written
  with a friend and given to Lee Healey (him off
  of Viz's fantastic Drunken Bakers) to draw. He
  took his bloody time, I can tell you. Asked him
  for 3 cartoons, it took him 4 years to finish."
  It was worth the wait.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/He_Man_In_His_Twilight_Years


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Funny Stories
 
  Last week we wanted your favourite funny
  anecdotes. Perhaps we were asking for this; the
  winners' tales are amazing, but far too long to
  do justice in the newsletter. Instead you can
  find them at:
http://b3ta.com/questions/fuhkneestorees/
 
  Here's a selection of our favourites:
 
  * DEDICATION - "I once shit myself when the
  computer game I was playing didn't have a pause
  button. I think I must have been about 13."
  (Baggenfock)

 
  * SHOE - "When I was at primary school, an
  emergency assembly was called one day. The
  headmistress explained that a day shoe had been
  found in the urinals of the boys' lavatory. And
  inside this abandoned garment was...'A POO'.
  
  "Surely all that was needed to uncover the
  identity of this faecal terrorist was to
  inspect the feet of the assembled throng: find
  a one-shoed boy and you had your phantom
  crapper bang to rights.

  "But this is where the mystery deepened, for
  you see there was no mono-shod logger to be
  found. The perfect crime. To this day only our
  excremental Banksy himself knows his identity."
  (Richard mcbeef)

 
  * STRAWBERRIES - I ate a huge pile of fresh
  strawberries for tea. Cycling to work next
  morning I felt the need to pass wind. I stood
  up on the pedals a bit and discreetly let rip.
  However, instead of a ladylike fart I felt a
  sudden torrent of hot shit.

  "I decided to head back home, trusting that
  nobody had seen my performance. No such luck. A
  car followed me all the way home, where I found
  that the mess had shot right up my back,
  staining my fancy hi-viz cycling shirt a
  striking shade of brown. (Juan Quar)
 

  >> This Week  FESTIVALS II <<
  Yes it's that time of year again and it's been
  a long while since we asked: regale us with
  your festival tales.
http://b3ta.com/questions/festivalsII/


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE

  Results from the '25x25' challenge

  Last week B3tard Smash Monkey offered to knit a
  blanket of any design up to 25 by 25 woolly
  squares.
 
  Your favourite results included:

  * Bridge: Classic photoshoppery soon to be 
  seen in wool. (Blobcat)
http://b3ta.com/board/11157550

  * Spectrum: You can almost hear the blanket
  loading. (monkeon)
http://b3ta.com/board/11157359

  * Quo: If only it came in denim . 
  (HappyToast)
http://b3ta.com/board/11157351
  
  All these images, and a load more can be
  found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/25x25/

 
  >> New challenge: Wigs <<
  This week we're tackling toupées and wrestling
  W(r)igs. Photoshop some funny head-hair; we'll
  even welcome comedy fake beards.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/wigs/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  * Fridge Henge - Good work, oh drunken druids of
  Kent, good work
http://bit.ly/danger-of-being-crushed-by-a-dwarf
  

  * "Blue Mint Indian Restaurant & Brothel" - a handy
  combination. We accept this is probably not real
  but it amused us to find it on Google Maps.
http://bit.ly/curry-first-sex-later-we-reckon


  * A colour vision test game. Despite this
  writer being red/green colour-blind, it rated
  us as "Superb. You wouldn't have any problems
  surviving in the jungle." So that's something
  to bear in mind if this newsletter business
  ever goes REALLY bad.
http://wvw.igame.com/eye-test/


  * These pin-sharp images of people in traffic
  jams in 1980s London time-machined us to our
  childhood.
http://bit.ly/we-recognise-every-car


  * Plumber commissions rap to promote his
  business. Wonder if it works? This is certainly
  more Bristol-based plumbing content than we
  normally include.
http://www.iansmithheatingengineers.co.uk/  


  * Best prank ever? In 1974, this chap set old
  tyres on fire in the crater of a dormant
  volcano. There's a fine line between 'the
  bants' and actual terrorism.
http://bit.ly/this-is-probably-terrorism


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like a 14" TV with a huge remote glued to base

  * DJ Anklepants and his animatronic nose penis
  is our new jam. (We couldn't sit through much
  of this, simply impressed that this is
  someone's actual act).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?t=1294&v=Fb4bCgWkZRc 


  * "The senior blower is back at his glory
  hole". We were only looking up how marbles are
  made. We certainly didn't expect this UTTER
  FILTH.
https://youtu.be/1cXy7gxUtbU?t=2m34s 


  * Action Man: Battlefield Casualties - a dark
  take on PTSD in the Army presented with 1970s
  kids' toys.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Action_Man_Battlefield_Casualties


  * Running a half-marathon in Tennessee? What
  you need is some genteel encouragement from the
  spectators - Deliverance-style.
http://bit.ly/commitment-to-a-joke


   * Weird How To video about a fish. We wanted
   to dislike it then found ourselves sucked in.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/A_Bit


  * Cat takes unexpected trip on light airplane.
  Made us anxious: so you don't suffer our
  anxiety [SPOLIERS] it all ends fine.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Kitty_stowaway


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Estate agent anti-lols

  So your name is Alan Sadick - we've checked
  and 'sadick' really IS a surname. All well and good
  until you register your name as a URL: 
http://www.alansadick.com/


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: 21ST CENTURY INSULT

  Your content is both original and viral, but
  your original content is not viral and your
  viral content is not original.


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    Friends: b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
    Bastards: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by 
  @iaintait, PhosphorBurnedEyes, Tusk,
  wakeupandsmellthebacon, jingle_man,
  disconnected, notoolsovernight &
  @ImVincentMurphy.
  Topus-tipus via baying cyber-mob

  
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Friend b3ta on Facebook: 
https://www.facebook.com/b3tan
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  TOP TIP:
  Moths: There's PLENTY of light about during
  the day if you could be arsed to get up
  earlier, you lazy fucks.

 
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