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NEWSLETTER: "WE'RE STILL NOT DEAD. FOR THE SECOND WEEK RUNNING"

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"It's a B3ta Newsletter!"
This Week:
* VID - Animals Almost Do the Funniest Things 
* CHAT - with ace film director Ben Wheatley
* APOCALYPSE - Your Letters of Last Resort

-------------------------------------------------
________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're shaving
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   the yak
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|     ... together"

B3ta email 672 - 12 May 2017

Read this issue using your eye holes:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue672

Friend b3ta on Facebook: 
https://www.facebook.com/b3tan


-------------------------------------------------

: HELLO AGAIN!

 We were overwhelmed by the response last week. 
 So many people wrote in to say how pleased they
 were to see us back so fuck it let's do it again.

 This week we've got a HUGE Ben Wheatley interview,
 A sweary bot, and some brilliant projects we
 missed in our 18 month silence.


-------------------------------------------------


: BEN WHEATLEY INTERVIEW 
  "I remember the first B3ta bash"

  As we all know Ben was once a keen B3ta boarder
  and now he's a successful film director. So what
  better time to phone him up than 10am on a
  Friday morning and start asking him questions?

  It was lovely to chat with him - he's such a warm,
  friendly chap - 45 minutes of joy.
http://b3ta.com/blog/ben-wheatley-interview/


  BTW: We were so excited about committing to
  Doing B3ta newsletter again we decided to
  interview Wheatley, then it was so long, we had
  to break it out into a blog format. Effectively
  accidentally launching a blog. Oops!


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: BONUS JOKE
Getting a knighthood must be a lovely sirprize
@glowypanda

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: INTRODUCING THE SWEAR CLOCK
  It's fucking time to cunting swear

  Your Ginger Fuhrer has made a "swear clock"
  Twitter bot. Follow it and get sweary time
  updates every hour.
  
  Recent highlights include:

  * Hump My Minge With A Dr White Size One
  Sanitary Towel It's 10:30AM

  * Spunk On A Small Clay Pot It's 7:30PM

  * Shit On My Penile Shaft And Call Me Nicholas
  Witchell It's 1:30PM

  It's a significant development in both swearing
  and time telling technology.
http://twitter.com/swearclock


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN DOING THIS WEEK
  Other than sinister threats to sheep

  >> Animals Almost Do the Funniest Things <<
  Dogfood has a made a totally nuts video that's
  clearly parodying the viral videos - oh just
  watch it, it's insane and will make your brain
  hurt.
http://b3ta.com/links/1437525
 

  >> Have a Look <<
  Chipping Sodbury writes, "Here's a compilation
  of recent animated bits and pieces." This
  fucking rocks and the quick turnaround of jokes
  will keep you entertained. If only all comedy
  was this pacey.
http://b3ta.com/links/1436473


  >> Weird but good felted-art creations  <<
  Pagetty Pol writes, "I've made needle felted
  version of my illustrations."
https://edclews.com/blog/needle-felted-animal-illustrations/ 


-------------------------------------------------

: 'XYLOPHONE BUGGERY' VS A THESAURUS RANDOMISER  

  * Harpsichord penis fencing
  * Pennywhistle anal sex
  * Saxophone penis fencing
  * Zither incest
  * Clarinet felching

  Yes. This is really how we spend our time.

-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA PROJECTS FROM THE SILENCE
  Great stuff you missed because no newsletter

  Ok we were silent for 18 months but the b3tans
  didn't stop creating so here's just two of the
  best things they did. (There's loads more but it
  would be nuts to list about 145 things in one
  go.)

  * WHAT LETTER WOULD YOU WRITE TO SUBMARINE
  CAPTAINS ONLY TO BE READ IF UK WIPED OUT? Matt
  Round writes "Apocalyptic nuclear dread is the
  latest '80s thing to be back in fashion, so I
  thought I'd add to the misery. And it's a weird
  little secret thing, Theresa May might've drawn
  a picture of a My Little Pony in hers for all we
  know." This is so good and Matt Round is a
  fucking genius. Fact.
https://mattround.com/letters-of-last-resort/


  * DONALD TRUMP AS MR MEN. This from S4RK is so
  good we read it to the official B3ta children.
  Not even joking. They loved it.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/11219672


-------------------------------------------------

If the Earth was flat, cats would have pushed
everything off it by now. @jelenawoehr

-------------------------------------------------

: IMAGE CHALLENGE:
  Make Corbyn Electable
  
  Seeing as the The Labour Party can't do it we've
  decided to get B3tans to help Jeremy Corbyn win
  the election. It's in the bag now. The
  professionals are here. Do your best B3tans -
  your country depends on you.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/corbynelectable/popular/


-------------------------------------------------

: BUY MUSHYBEES T-SHIRTS
  But the fuck out of them NOW.

  B3ta veteran Mushybees has been making t-shirts and
  they are superb - she's making about 9 a day and
  screen printing them by hand. You can see the
  designs on the Esty page:

  Designs include "vegan killjoy" and "fuck this shit":
https://www.etsy.com/people/beesesteeses

  In the interests of full disclosure we're partly
  running this to get a free t-shirt ourselves - she 
  said she'd make us a "xylophone buggery" one, a
  Buffy's Swearing T-shirt if you will.

  She's well, thanks for asking - we went off
  to see a comedy show with her the other day,
  still the same old lovely pillock.


-------------------------------------------------

: AFFILIATED LINK
  Phone battery case - yes really
	
  Our phone battery has gone up the shit-nozzle
  and only lasts a few hours but we've found we
  can get a full day out of it again by using a
  case with a built-in battery. "But," you might
  say "that'll make it heavier". You are right but
  it works and it's easier than getting it fixed.
  Shit solutions are us.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B01L1C1ZF4/b3ta-21	


-------------------------------------------------

Why did the Chuckle Brothers join British Gas? 
To meter you. @sam_bambs

-------------------------------------------------

: DELETED WIKIPEDIA ARTICLES WITH 'FREAKY' TITLES
  All true
  
  * Amazing face on rock that looks like hitler 
  * An article that contains nothing but a full stop
  * An old dude who lives in Central America
  * Being saddled with a bad husband
  * BEWARE THE GREEN MONKEY
  * Bring your Pez dispenser to work day 
  * Diarrhea of a genius
  * Donald Trump (planet) 
  * Do you stock battletoads
  * Geography of pigs
  * Honey, We Disemboweled Grandma
  * List of bands beginning with the word "lemon"
  
  Many more here. Oh so many.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:Deleted_articles_with_freaky_titles


-------------------------------------------------

: HOW TO TALK COMEDY WRITER
  A lexicon of words comedy writers make up to
  Help their craft

  * "STRAIGHT REVERSAL" - A joke construction
  that's very useful in topical comedy, where the
  premise of the gag is more or less a comical
  inversion of a real news story. So, after the
  day when the big topic was the doctor who was
  dragged off a United Airlines flight,
  Daftynews.com ran the spoof headline 'Outcry as
  shocking scenes emerge of passenger being
  dragged onto Ryanair flight'. 

  * "NOT THIS BUT" - When you suggest something
  obvious, crap, or half-formed, hoping that it'll
  get the idea ball rolling and lead to something
  better. 

  * "ZAMMO"  a pop culture reference gag that
  works in the writers' room but plays to painful
  silence in front of a more youthful audience. This
  comes from Charlie Brooker. On 10 O'Clock Live,
  a joke was written which mentioned 'Zammo' at
  the laugh point. It went down well with the
  team, but Charlie delivered it to utter silence
  on live TV. Nobody knew who the fuck Zammo was. 
  
  This and many more from Adny Riley - he who
  wrote Bunny Suicides - on the best blog post
  we've read in years. Needs to be a book, radio
  show and talk. So good.
http://misterandyriley.com/2017/03/31/how-to-talk-comedy-writer-updated-2/


-------------------------------------------------

Welcome to clickbait club. You're not going to
believe the first rule. @Nickkay180

-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BEEF
  Yes, linky bollocks for your clicky-lols
  
  * The sign abusers are back again in Kettering
https://twitter.com/Dan_Lee85/status/862737368977199106

  * So "Mommy, Why Is There a Server in the
  House?" is an actual book!? 
https://twitter.com/peterc/status/862756079775744000

  * Are You "Pro Nuclear Holocaust and Freedom to
  Masturbate in Public"? Herd of Chickens writes,
  "but feel that there isn't a political party
  that represents you? Of course you are, you are
  on B3TA. Requires some time travel to vote." 
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/South_West_Surrey_by-election,_1984 


-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like TV but even shittier

  * With Eurovision upon us we're reminded of this
  terrible, insane, brilliant entry from 2012
  about "social media". Yes they didn't want to
  say Twitter or Facebook and ended up with this
  awkward mess. Glorious.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PqwBh9hq9PE


  * A whole music video and tune made in 265 bytes
  on a C64. Unbelievable. 
https://linusakesson.net/scene/a-mind-is-born/


  * BOB MORTIMER MAKES UP FUNNY SONG FOR TWITTER
  Bootsthealchemist writes, "Bob Mortimer kicking
  it large on Twitter."
https://twitter.com/RealBobMortimer/status/860874634144755714 


  * 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY - THE ANIMATED SERIES -
  From the files of Mr Biffo's Found Footage comes
  the long-lost pilot episode of Stanley Kubrick's
  2001: A Space Odyssey - The Animated Series.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Ie5KeMk7eg


  * Concorde's Takeoff Inside the Cockpit: 
http://b3ta.com/links/1438116


-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Best Childhood Memories 

  OK - we'll experiment with bringing the QOTW
  back shall we?

  No promises it won't be shit. Let's give it a
  go.  

  "I once sent a painting into Why Don't You."
  says B3ta veteran Chickenlady. "They didn't show
  it on the tv programme, or mention me at all,
  but I got a nice letter back from them. That
  made 5 year old me very happy."
http://b3ta.com/questions/BestChildhoodMemories


-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  * IMPROVE TWITTER - Write code that retweets
  A viral tweet AND mutes the conversation in one
  click. Retire a millionaire.

  * MAKE A VIDEO CLICKY PEN VIDEO - We just found
  a song your newsletter team of Rob & Dave wrote
  in 2009. Called "Clicky Pen.". It's about having
  a clicky pen. We always meant to do a video for
  it but then forgot. Maybe you can be arsed?
  Maybe you can't, but it would make an old
  newsletter team very happy.
https://twitter.com/robmanuel/status/861913569612451840


-------------------------------------------------

: FOLLOW UPS ON PREVIOUS STORIES

  * B3tan Dr Dunno is up for an award for a
  magazine cover he designed - he who did the
  brilliant Sgt Pepper 2016 death tapestry writes,
  "You can vote every day on multiple devices and
  browsers. I don't stand a chance because of
  this. Can you imagine how many keyboard warriors
  Empire or Pro Cycling will have voting every
  day? Silly idea, public vote." Anyway vote 
  for the European / Brexit / Please wait one.
http://archive.ppa.co.uk/events/ppaawards2017/cover-of-the-year-voting/


  * SHARDCORE'S BREXORCIST - 22nd May 2017 - Brighton.
  B3tans will remember Shardcore - he once cooked
  a pig's head and more recently he's made absolute
  shitloads of bots. And now? He's made a musical
  about Brexit. "The show is basically Alan Moore's
  fault - he told us to stop procrastinating and do
  Something - so we did this."
https://www.brightonfringe.org/box-office/shows/view/brexorcist


  * WE ASKED FOR MPS WE STUPID NAMES - Gibberer
  writes, "In the US we had 'Lawmakers Fry, Moore,
  Bacon sponsor bill honoring pork producers' Also
  Welcome back! You were missed!"

  Thanks. We missed doing this shit too.

-------------------------------------------------

: CREDIT
  Edited by Rob Manuel & David Stevensons.

-------------------------------------------------
Follow b3ta on Twitter: 
https://www.twitter.com/b3ta
-------------------------------------------------

  TOP TIP: STRUGGLING TO BUY FAGS BECAUSE YOU
  DON'T LOOK OLD ENOUGH?? - Take the tobacconist to
  the nearest bus stop, and when the bus arrives
  attempt to get on paying for a half fare ticket.
  While the bus driver and tobacconist argue over
  how old you are, go back to the shop and steal
  the desired cigarettes. (HairyBaldy, 11 votes)

  Add your own 'top tip' at:
http://b3ta.com/questions/toptips

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