NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 88: "THE TRUTH ABOUT THE TUNBRIDGE MONKEY MAN"
This Week:
* ANIM - Elephants. Yeah
* INTERVIEW - Tunbridge Monkey Man Tells All
* QUIZ - He-Nail Or She-Nail
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web ... together"
B3ta email 88 - 16 May 2003
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue88/
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsub: [email protected]
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: I WANT A ELEPHANT
Yes I do
Rob Manuel writes -
"I fucking love elephants. They've got big
stompy feet and long twiddly noses.
"I can contain myself no more. I have decided
to share my feelings with the world through
the medium of song and badly drawn animation."
It's like the White Stripes, with tusks.
http://www2.b3ta.com/elephant/
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: WHO IS THE MONKEY SUPERHERO?
We know. He he he
For the last few weeks the world's media has
been perplexed by the escapades of a mysterious
'superhero' in the sleepy town of
Tunbridge Wells.
There was even a reward offered for his secret
identity. The truth? It was a hoax by b3ta
member ccc.
He tells his story for the first time here.
http://www.b3ta.com/interview/monkeyman/
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: GIVE US YOUR MONEY
please please please
As you hopefully know, b3ta is run out of our
passion for the Internet and not some tragic
get rich quick scheme.
We have heavy costs and rely on your donations
to pay for our server.
Recently we've touched our bandwidth limit and
have been forced to rent a second server to
keep going.
If you've enjoyed b3ta over the last (nearly)
two years then please dig deep and throw in
a bit of cash so we can afford to pay for it.
http://b3ta.com/features/appeal/
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: HE-NAIL OR SHE-NAIL
Can you tell?
Andrew writes -
"I'm a chap who find nails the most exciting
thing on a woman - as opposed to breasts / legs
/ name your thing here - I'm just made that way.
"I have unashamedly borrowed your Female or
Shemale idea to produce He-nail or She-nail,
a quiz for our readers. You might like to
give it a go."
Although, actually, you might not want to if
you find fingernails a bit icky. To be
honest, it made us hungry for pasta.
http://www.nailpassion.com/quiz/quiz.htm
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Shipman, Pastaroids, Meerkat bigots, Cannon
>> Harold Shipman Nursery Rhyme <<
Remember the Tiramisu song from a few weeks
back? Suz and Lexwest are back with more.
This time a little ditty about Harold
Shipman. We love these people. There's an
unhinged childlike quality about their work
which is simply wonderful.
http://www.suz.and-then.org/flash/harold.swf
>> Pastaroids <<
You remember Asteroids, yeah? Did you ever
feel it lacked something? You were right.
It was lacking beautifully photographed
pasta shapes. Thanks to Andrew Crowe for
sorting that one out. TIP: Use your cursor
to move and Z to fire.
http://www.mantasoft.co.uk/games/pasteroids2/
>> Ban This Homophobic Meerkat Filth <<
"I purchased yourallgay.com this week",
writes Reverend Dan, "and I thought I should
do something... well... gay. I'm very proud
of it, particularly Oscar Wilde playing the
pink oboe." It's really very good. But we're
starting to feel it may be time for a new
joke now.
http://www.yourallgay.com
>> Crap Cannon <<
"Me and a few mates tried to build a fearsome
cannon out of household waste", writes LP,
"It didn't work that well, but it's funny,
because it's rubbish." Warning: it's a bit
anticlimactic for a 7MB video but it made
us smile. Bless.
http://www.lpbk.net/whynot/pringles/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Inkblot Test <<
Are you mad? Do you rub your soft bits under
the desk and make growling noises at the
sandwich lady? Find out with this handy quiz.
http://www.worth1000.com/toys/inkblot/default.asp
>> My PC Is A Sexy Lady <<
Some people go too far customising their
computers. In this case it involves turning
the entire thing into a rather Lara Croft
looking woman. The end result is fantastic,
but the question is: why oh why?
http://divxstation.com/comm/thread.asp
>> Wanking Stories <<
We all know wanking is great, but the question
is "How great?" Find out by reading these
confessional tales of furtive self abuse.
Sample quote: "Once, when I was 11, I closed the
refrigerator door on myself, I pumped hard, and
ejaculated right into the veggie bin." Ah
the memories. We called her Georgina.
http://www.jackinworld.com/qow/qc.html
>> Scary Horrible Long Nails <<
Earlier in the newsletter we featured the
nail quiz. We got curious. We got clicking.
There's a whole freaky sub-culture our there.
This is our favourite: A video day-out with
a witch-like woman with two foot nails.
Nasty. But still gave us the horn. And the
blob. Got a bit messy but we had fun.
http://mywebpages.comcast.net/growabrain/LongestNa...
>> Bunny Ate My Computer <<
This geezer found an abandoned rabbit in a
car park. Taking pity on the poor wee creature
he allowed it into his home. These photos show
the resulting havoc wreaked by the monstrous
beast. Remember kids: bunnies are dinner not pets.
http://home.iprimus.com.au/cojoco/Naughty_Bunny.ht...
>> Sleazy Gigolo <<
Ladies: Stuck for bloke? Why not rent one?
This guy rocks. Oh fuck it. We can't keep
the pretence up. He's clearly a bit tragic
and we're only sticking him in because he
looks ridiculous. But somehow that's the
secret magic of the Internet: You can laugh
at people without them hitting you. Yay.
http://www.gigolojess.com/bio.htm
>> Abandoned Car Art <<
What would you do if you saw an abandoned
car in the street? Would you paint it white?
Would you stencil stuff on it? Probably not,
but that's what arty types do. And thank
fuck for that. For they are the dreamers
of dreams. And painters of cars.
http://www.gyford.com/phil/photos/2003/05/11/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Real World Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Last week we wanted real world photoshops:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/realworld/
We asked B3ta boarder 'PeterSeychelles' to
judge the entries - here are his 3 faves.
Mr Seychelles writes -
#1 "Don't shoot I'm cuddly - I love the
expression of the bear and the sensation of
movement. Oh, ok then, I'm a sucker for
teddy bears. (mbreo)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/1173841
#2 "Condensasadendrum - We've all drawn in the
condensation on the window. Not like this we
haven't. Ace! (Houston Knights)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/1205942
#3 "Spiders! - Eek, this scared the life out of
me so it had to be placed. I think the Brown
Vision works wonderfully." (senselessleon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/1188645
Oh, and a cheeky mention for marsimpsk's lousy
t-shirt effort. Perhaps a late entry for this
year's gurning championships?
http://www.b3ta.com/board/1206457
>> This Weeks Challenge <<
This week, B3ta contributor Chthonic gave us
the suggestion, "X-Ray Vision"
http://b3ta.com/challenge/xray/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* BIRMINGHAM SONG ON RADIO 1 - yay! Rob Manuel's
B-B-B-B-B-Birmingham song was played on
Thursday. Cool but - Radio 1 staff - if
you're reading and you do this again can you
please tell us first so we can listen? We
we could even give you a high quality version
to play.
http://www2.b3ta.com/birmingham/
* WIFEODYSSEY BLOKE IS REAL - remember last
week we didn't know if the chap looking
for a wife was a put on? We think he's kosher
now. Here's a link to him promoting it on
a newsgroup.
http://makeashorterlink.com/
* HELLO FROM MAD GRANNY'S PROGENY - Andrew
Miller writes, "that batty old biddy you
featured last week really and truthfully is
my grandmother!! The recording is from about
1986. Another special moment was when she rang
the Coast Guard when we went on a fishing trip.
And yes, she was indeed a fucking lunatic ...
bless her soul. Cheers - my dad will be
well-chuffed that she's been honoured as a
posthumous comic!"
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* ELECTRIC FUN - our mum told us not to play
with electricity. She was clearly hiding
all the fun for herself. Extra Points for
welts.
* EXTREME CAKE MAKING - can you make a
Battenberg in the shape of a Japanese
schoolgirl sniffing her knickers? We're
waiting for your email.
* HI-RISE COCKS - maybe you live in a tower
block. Can you get your neighbours to turn
on the lights to display a huge blocky
penis? We think this might be art. We might
be wrong, but we do know that it would make
us snigger.
Send contributions to http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was edited by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Links from K3rry, Haddock.org, Stephen I-Migo,
Mark Keeling, Ciaran, Monkeon, Kim in Atlanta,
and Laura Lefthand.
Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
Top Tippery by Darren Murphy
Image challenge handled by Mike Trinder.
Proofing by the speccy b4ta twats. (66236)
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TOP TIP: To cure persistent hiccups drink a
teaspoonful of vinegar. Everybody's got their
favourite cure for hiccups, but this one
really works. You can add a bit of sugar to
make it taste nicer.
