fucking manners
a couple of weeks ago, i went to my friend's fiance's 40th dinner party. it was in a very nice and rather fancy italian restaurant in notting hill. he is iraqi, and i was sitting next to his aunt. she speaks some english but with a very strong accent, and has a tendency to get a bit shouty with excitement when she is trying to make herself understood. we were having a nice conversation, when the food arrived, and the shouty started. the birthday boy had pre-ordered because there were so many of us.

being vegetarian, i wasn't able to eat most of it (which was fine by me, as the wine was excellent). but the aunt was most distressed by this. and when she saw some mushroom bruschetta, she practically mugged the other diners for me. i peered at it dubiously. it really did not look like mushroom, but it was hard to tell in the combination of crap light and excellent wine. the aunt insisted. so did i. finally the shouty got too much for me, and i gave in. and found myself with a big slimy mouthful of fucking bonemarrow on toast. it was beyond gross, and yet i couldn't bring myself to tell her, so i had to swallow it. urrrrgh.

next up: it was time for the many delicious looking stone baked pizzas. the birthday boy had only ordered a steve davis for the vegetarians, so you'd think that would be easy to spot. it's the one with no toppings. desperate to feed me, bewildered that i had eaten so little starter, the shouty aunt shouted around the table until a margharita was produced and sent across. she cut me an enormous piece, put it on my plate (my views on people sharing food/eating leftovers/touching food are well documented on here) and beamed at me. reluctantly, i abandoned the thought of getting a nice finger-free virginal piece for myself, and bit.

into what tasted like a victorian prostitute's pants.

fucking tuna and chilli, lurking under the cheese. the bitch had done me twice. and yet again, i had to swallow and pretend it was all fine, but i was full and didn't want any more, just so as not to hurt her feelings.

fucking hell. they'd better not sit me next to her at the wedding.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 13:36, 76 replies)

^ picky eater

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 13:43, closed)

it was marrowbone
that shit gets fed to DOGS.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 13:46, closed)

it's lovely, melt in the mouth beefy goodness
woof or something
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 13:49, closed)

I love marrowbone.
A good sprinkling of coarse sea salt and some toasted farmhouse bread make it a dish fit for a king.

If I were a vegetarian, though, I'd probably have less of a high opinion of it.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 13:58, closed)

that's OK though
if you were vegetarian, everything would have less of a high opinion of you
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 14:03, closed)

Everything
with the possible exception of those delicious, meaty cows.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 14:05, closed)

cows think vegetarians are pussies

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 14:06, closed)

^
SCIENCE.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 14:11, closed)

Ah, well.
Can't argue with SCIENCE. Any more of those blue steaks left?
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 14:17, closed)

^

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 14:06, closed)

did she make you wear formal trousers too?

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 13:51, closed)

sorry, i'll delete this
and replace it with a huge stash of sarcastic and pointless comments.

and then delete those too.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 14:20, closed)

easy now ... I'm not the maiden aunt who coerced you into eating dog food

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 14:29, closed)

i did wonder if it was deliberate
take that, you fussy cuntwhore.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 14:32, closed)

there's really no point becoming an old maiden aunt if you can't use it as an excuse to bully vulnerable youths

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 14:51, closed)

she had a beard like a maiden uncle

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 14:56, closed)

womanly whiskers are a sign of social status in Iraq
probably
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 15:04, closed)

Hell yeah. Saddam's real name was Debbie.

( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Thu 31 Jul 2014, 21:30, closed)

Why didn't you just tell her your vegetarian and that the food she'd kindly given you was unfortunately not suitable?

( CaptainCrackerjack live trout, slow motion, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 13:58, closed)

I think her "friend" secretly hates her.
Also, what the fuck is a "steve davis"?
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 14:00, closed)

I had to assume that Steve Davis just means plain...
...despite the fact that he's actually the only interesting guy in snooker.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 14:12, closed)

He's not only that, he's the only guy in snooker with his VERY OWN PROG ROCK SHOW.

( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Thu 31 Jul 2014, 21:03, closed)

a debilitating lack of self confidence

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 14:04, closed)

Isn't that quite a bad thing if you're a lawyer?

( CaptainCrackerjack live trout, slow motion, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 14:10, closed)

prolly

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 14:13, closed)

she was trying so hard and it would have mortified her
i felt bad for her.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 14:21, closed)

You're probably the only person they've ever seen,
who appeared to tolerate her; enjoy your new wedding buddy.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 14:15, closed)

What is it with you fucking vegetarians?
You always have to make a song and dance about it. You're not special. You're fussy. It's nothing to be proud of.
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 14:22, closed)

if you had been there
it would simply have meant more marrowbone and carcass/fish pizza for you. what's not to like?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 14:23, closed)

The self-righeous whining.
Only the presence of the overbearing aunt prevented that.

Not being able to eat most foods is a disability, not a superpower.
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 14:33, closed)

i'm not self righteous
i hate the taste and texture, so i don't eat it. but i cook it for other people. then they get to eat it. what's whining about that?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 14:49, closed)

"Here's your carcass pizza ... MURDERER!"

(Baggenfrock get fucked, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 14:53, closed)

being squeamish and feeble is definitely preferable to having an ethical objection to meat
definitely
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 18:04, closed)

No, but it's better than being hypocritical

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 21:49, closed)

Ah, so rather than being self-righteous about it, you're passive aggressive and whiny?

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 18:42, closed)

It's like you don't even try any more

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 21:49, closed)

*Votes Baggenfock.*
BAGGENFOCK! THE VOICE OF REASON!
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Thu 31 Jul 2014, 21:07, closed)

That pizza sounds delicious
The bonemarrow, not so much.
( Ms Shenanigans put something interesting here later, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 14:43, closed)

it was pretty epic pizza
apart from the rotten fish on top of it
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 14:49, closed)

you
may be a vegetarian but i do bet you look good with a slab of meat in your mouth
(little lord muthafuckin fauntleroy, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 14:44, closed)

smooth and not at all creepy

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 14:45, closed)

The best Arctic Monkeys B-side.

(Baggenfrock get fucked, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 14:46, closed)

meat tofu
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 14:50, closed)

Chompy, it's lovely to have you back.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 16:22, closed)

Replies, win etc.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 18:33, closed)

I've been veggie for 25 years and I eat out at Italian restaurants regularly
Never had the slightest problem getting a really good selection of food. They make everything to order usually, so I don't get why you had no choice.
(Porcupine, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 15:52, closed)

because the host of the party pre-ordered and paid for all the food
and he chose a lot of meat and fish dishes, with just one vegetarian pizza. i didn't want to be rude by ordering something else. and i didn't want to be rude to his aunt when she thought she was being nice/helpful.

next!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 15:55, closed)

I'm a bit confused by this.
You suggested it was "rather fancy" and yet it sounds like a Pizza Hut children's buffet.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 17:56, closed)

i can see why you would be confused
it was a party, which means fun and friends, neither of which seem to be on your radar.

in london, where lots of people live, popular restaurants get very busy at the weekends. as there were about 25 people at the party, they had asked him to order in advance. rather than try and predict what everyone might like individually, he ordered a number of different dishes and bottles of wine for people to share. hopefully words of few syllables have helped you at this difficult time.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 18:37, closed)

A simple "yes - it was a chav buffet" would have done.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 18:45, closed)

Alright friendless

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 21:13, closed)

alright legless

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 21:37, closed)

"the birthday boy had pre-ordered because there were so many of us"
That lack of meat has fucked your brainz up proper m8.

ETA: too slow
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 15:57, closed)

One of my friends wives
got pissed as a fart at a bonfire night party, and rather aggressively insisted that my girlfriend at the time tried one of the delicious sausages she had brought along.

My vegetarian GF was so scared of her she ate it - a substantial pork thing, slightly burned.
(username failed moderation, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 15:55, closed)

christ
i don't think i could have eaten more than one mouthful. i've been stuck with mouthfuls of duck spring roll etc at fancy work bashes, and i can only cope with swallowing what i have, then leaving the rest. your gf did well.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 15:56, closed)

STUCK!?
If I was expecting a veggie spring roll, and found a lost duck inside, I'd be over the fucking moon!
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 16:02, closed)

it was rank
like having a mouthful of warm, wet earth.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 16:05, closed)

Oooo, spring rolls. At a work bash.
Very posh.
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 16:05, closed)

i didn't order the food
it was a barristers' do. they wouldn't have let you hold the umbrellas at the door.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 16:06, closed)

Are they the people that make the coffee?

(Baggenfrock get fucked, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 16:10, closed)

I'm going to steal the poetic part of this post for my signature.

( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 16:20, closed)

Lies. GF like fuck you had a GF. Although it makes sense that the imaginary GF would be a non-meateater.
I am saying you have no cock.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 18:41, closed)

Im with you
The hidden Tuna under the cheese trick pisses me off. I have had several conversations with take away staff as to whether a Tuna is a vegetable or not.

I mean you don't grow it in the allotment next to a row of carrots do you?
( Locus213 Slightly to the left of Bakunin, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 16:27, closed)

I do,
but my tuna is notoriously awful.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 17:49, closed)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=uei-v79p1ck
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 16:30, closed)

Memories of being on holiday in France as a kid.
My sister wouldn't eat meat, and we would explain the the waiters at a restaurant - in English and French - that we didn't want any ham on the pizza. Came back with extra ham. I'm certain they understood us perfectly.

Disgusting, arrogant surrender monkeys.
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 16:35, closed)

who, vegetarians?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 16:37, closed)

As I understand it, vegetarianism is punishable by inprisonment in France.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 31 Jul 2014, 18:51, closed)

Quite right too.

( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Thu 31 Jul 2014, 21:06, closed)

She thought you looked like you needed feeding up and you took it as bullying?
See, most women that I know, and I'm even counting the right mental ones here, would LOVE being thought of as thin. By anyone. Ever.
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Thu 31 Jul 2014, 21:06, closed)

1st World Problems yo...
This is exactly why I'm glad I'm not as repressed, like most of you autistic ninnies.

I'd have spat the meaty mess in auntie's face and started crying into my chablis...
(RebelWithoutApplause My underestimation will almost be the death of me, Fri 1 Aug 2014, 10:40, closed)

tbf
not your first slimy non-vegetarian mouthful of 'bone marrow'
(dailyllama, Sat 2 Aug 2014, 23:01, closed)