Incy Wincy
Lying in bed, scratching me plums, I noticed an annoying tickly itch on my shin. Whipping back the covers, there was this large, scowling house spider crawling up my leg, making a determined effort to hog-tie me and store my still twitching corpse in its evil web.

I jumped out of my pit, threw the eight-legged menace to the floor and tried to give him his just desserts - the discipline of the carpet slipper.

My attempts to stamp on the hairy little bastard were to no avail. It was too good for me, and in a one-sided battle twixt man and beast, the little fucker ran up my pyjama leg and made a bee-line for my pods, the one place it knew I couldn't thwack it with footwear.

I was forced to strip naked in a blind panic, and shoo the thing away from my manhood with a rolled-up magazine, before scooping it up and chucking it out of the window.

All this time, Mrs Duck was standing on a chair like Tom and Jerry's Mammy Two Shoes screaming "Don't let it near me! Don't let it near me!" Which was nice of her, because it was only after my bits after all.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Mon 6 Jun 2005, 10:18, Reply)

Nice Kitty...
Earlier this year I gave a friend a ride to her home in the country, and was helping her carry grocieries inside. It was very dark out, and as I was walking down the porch steps, I saw a pair of beady eyes shining from the porch light, so I said "Nice kitty" and reached down and patted the cat on the head. It hissed at me, and ran away. I caught a glimpse of it as it ran past the light, and it wasn't a cat, it was an opossum.
Also, shortly after I got my driver's licence, I left my car sitting outside with one of the doors open, and went inside my house for about 5 minutes. When I went outside and got back in my car, there was a big, fat, probably pregnant skunk sitting in the passenger seat. Needless to say, I got the hell out of there fast, but the skunk later sprayed my dog inside my new car. That's why I don't live in the country anymore.
(Bohatnik, Mon 6 Jun 2005, 9:59, Reply)

-
I was once attacked by a flock of seagulls.

I'd taken the piss out of their mullets.
(Let's all have an asbo, Mon 6 Jun 2005, 9:44, Reply)

stupid cat
i had borrowed my gf's bike for work one day.. and my last drop-off of the day was a friend who was quite partial to a smoke.. so im riding home, stoned out of my box.. riding on the pavement cos i didnt have a light, was stoned and the traffic was a bit nasty.. and a cat runs straight in front of the bike, i swerved and went straight into a wall. completely buckling the front wheel. i hit the wall so hard i went straight over it, leaving me sat on me arse on the other side of the wall with a confused looking old woman staring at me through her window.

gf goes nuts (shes now my ex, im not sure how much this had to with it) and it cost me £25 to repair the bike. wish id hit the stupid cat now.

again. no apologies
(TuxPixie the linux fairy, Mon 6 Jun 2005, 9:13, Reply)

Zombie Bugs
One night during a Boy Scout camp I woke up by a terrible noise, appearing from my right side. Looking around in the tent, I notized everbody else was still asleep. There it was again, that crackling, hissing noise, sounding strangely near, just like "in my head". Once I recognized that the noise actually *was* in my head, respectively in my ear, and simultaneously the image of some brain-eating-zombie-bugs came to my mind, I panickly digged into my bags, looking for some cotton swabs to crush those predators before they could disable me by eating my central nervous system. After some minutes of stabbing my ear, I managed to kill those bastards and laid down for sleep.

The next morning I shared my experience with my friends, but they laughted at me. Fools. During the rest of the camp, I sealed my ears with pieces of cotton wool, saving my delicous brain from those zombie-bugs.
(hoopyfrood really knows where his towel is, Mon 6 Jun 2005, 8:58, Reply)

Another seagull story
had gone to morecambe to a punk festival one year.. something got messed up and me and my friend were left with nowhere to sleep for the night.. never mind, we thought, its a warm night, we had sleeping bags and found some crustypunks crashing in an alleyway, so we joined them.. about 6am i awoke with a seagull sat on my chest. I never realised those things were so big! and its huge pointy beak... looking hungrily at me! honestly I was so scared.. i couldnt move. i nervously kicked my friend who was sleeping next to me.. zoe: 'what, i was asleep' me: 'theres a fucking huge bird on my chest'. helpfully she replied 'lucky you' and proceeded to roll over and go back to sleep.. at which point the aformentioned 'huge bird' flew away, phew

no apologies.. ever
(TuxPixie the linux fairy, Mon 6 Jun 2005, 8:57, Reply)

malicious kitten
Only last month my wife adopted a tiny kitten she'd found behind the building she works in...it had been abandoned by it's mother, apparently. She brought it home and washed it (it smelled really bad!), then left me to dry it with a tea towel while she cleaned the sink she'd washed the kitten in. Feeling kindly towards the poor abandoned kitten, I held it close to my face so it could become better acquainted with one of it's benefactors...not a good idea. Kitten sprang forward and bit my nose, then clawed same nose with Kung Fu Grip, so as to gain better hold for a second, much more painful bite. It hadn't occurred to me that seeing a giant ogre-ish face that close could be scary to a kitten; after all, I love kittens. Just not this one so much, lately. We're getting on better now though.
(eggman59, Mon 6 Jun 2005, 7:38, Reply)

Bear
I almost hit a black bear on my mountain bike. The bear was more scared than I was. I had to skid all over the place to miss it, but then I wish I had hit it because it would have made a much better story.
( coronaboomboom, Mon 6 Jun 2005, 5:21, Reply)

A Monitor
I was busy setting up my lovely computer after returning home for the summer from college. I'm underneath the table, plugging in cords happily humming to myself, seeing the pleasure of a powerful machine in my immediate future, when I jerk my head upward, forgetting that I'm underneath a table.

My head strikes the table, and naturally, my nice 19" CRT monitor, previously precariously positioned on a pile of textbooks, begins to teeter down towards my aching head. I see it coming, but as it weighs around 50 lbs, I can only slow its ominous approach towards the ground. I manage to deflect it with an arm, whereupon it crashes to the ground. The picture tube shatters, and of course, since I've already plugged it in, starts a small fire, because that's all that's needed to make a perfect disaster.

I proceed to dance around with a sore arm and head, and eventually decide it might be a good idea to unplug the monitor and reach for the fire extinguisher. I'm not sure why it caught on fire, but the basement still smells like burnt plastic, and my arm still aches with the memory.
(FleetlordVT, Mon 6 Jun 2005, 4:30, Reply)

those damn dogs
bitten by mommy while trying to pet her pups (i cried)
chased by mutts running for the buses (i screamed )
dog attacks my dog (i kicked his ass hard)

please do not contact animal cruelty people these incidents all happened 10 or more years ago. i love dogs i swear.
(la folle, Mon 6 Jun 2005, 1:53, Reply)

Bloody seagulls!
Whilst wandering along the sunny streets of Llandudno eating a sausage roll, a seagull swooped past, nicking half of it and flying away. Roll on a year or so later, I'd been wary of walking with food ever since and once again, sausage roll, seagull attack, only this time my reflex was to hit the seagull, sending it careering off and making it drop the 1/2 sausage roll, which I then put in the bin to deprive it of it - haha!

No appologies for length, but for excessive use of commas, yes.
( NomDePlume fo shizzle my nizzle old bean, Mon 6 Jun 2005, 1:08, Reply)

seagulls
Sometime ago I was on a trip to the sea side, fresh air, lobsters and a great view, what more could I ask for?

Not seagulls. I was on the harbour, enjoying my view, when all of a sudden I see a flock of seagulls, probably 20 of them or more, flying over in a triangle formation. My life flashed right before my eyes, as some of them started bombarding us with biological wastes. I had no idea they do these kinda activities together.

We were running for our lives, it was like Pearl Harbour out there... Now everytime I see a flock of seagulls I automatically seek nearby shelters.
(Acrobad, Mon 6 Jun 2005, 1:00, Reply)

Ducks
My summer camp is notorious for the ducks that liked to rape each other. I'm not kidding. There'd be this one duck missing feathers that would get chased after, sat on (in the lake water), and while it was being raped and drowned, it'd also have its feathers ripped out. I witnessed it once, and a second time on the last day of camp with a load of people. Half of us were screaming and the other half were crying. It really was very traumatic. Sort of like watching that one scene in What's Love Got to Do With It, but with ducks. They were gone last year, but then 30+ horses escaped to the nearby country club. I don't know what's going to happen this year. Maybe a stampede of elephants.
(DeadCats, Mon 6 Jun 2005, 0:55, Reply)

dangerous seals (photo to prove it)
In the summer of '92 (thousands of seals had died due to a mysterious disease) I rescued a young seal that had been abbandoned by his mother. I carried him around the island I did my civilian service on and had a picture taken.

Instead of being grateful for his rescue the little bastard bit my in the shoulder. Exactly at the moment the picture was taken. A seal may look sweet to you, but believe me, the teeth are that of a predator and I still wear the scar.

Well, he had to suffer, too. The photographer took a second picture only an instant later and you can see me, appalled and hurt, hurling the seal away from me. With a sigh he landed on the hard sand. I don't think he made it through the summer.
pictures
(acheta, Mon 6 Jun 2005, 0:34, Reply)

Evil Ducks
We had ducks, lots and lots of ducks, living in the grounds of my old halls of residence. These ducks were mostly of the malard variety. Now not a lot of people know that malards are the most evil variety of duck; they are gang-raping nasty little sods. I told my mate this while walking back from the bar and he was enfused with a sudden hatred for ducks;
"Fucking ducks" he said.
"That's right, mate, fucking ducks" i said quietly.
"I'm going to get those evil little bastards" he said, and with those words ran accross the field into the undergrowth intent on retribution for the poor, sexually abused female malard.

Unfortunately the ducks had friends. Lots of friends. Big friends. Friends from across the pond so to speak. We're talking Canadian geese here. My mate didn't stand a chance. There was some significant peckage. It was awful, just awful.
(donksta, Sun 5 Jun 2005, 23:29, Reply)

Raccoons
This story is amusing but contains raccons, americans and cunts in an elevator (i was one of the cunts)

My whole family went on a skiing holiday in Heavenly, Lake Tahoe (Nevada), and stayed in a condo(m) with several floors all joined by those plank-style stairs and an elevator just opposite them.
One day on returning from a shopping trip my sister carried some food and stuff up to the condo first, and my mum, dad and I came up the elevator just after. As we reached out floor my sister ran to the elevator screaming 'get back in' in a panicky girly voice.., only for my mother to exit the lift in a rage of maternal instinct ran out - only to be pulled up the stairs by my sister, followed by a pair of raccoons.
My father and I (the two cunts in the lift) quickly used our verticle transporter to get to the next floor, only to realise we'd just missed them. Then we set off for 2 floors up, and on the opening of the doors we saw my sister and mum heading towards us, my sister shouting "run like the wind" with the most panick stricken face I've seen in my life.
Upon nearly getting into the lift, my dad realised that 2 racoons in a lift would be a bad idea, and quickly shut the doors. My last glipse of those raccoons before the doors last inch closed over, was of two smiling sexy animals with grins.

It was a funny incident, I think the raccoons thought they were having fun.

Anyways, the chase had started when my sister had petted a raccoon, but the some illegal south american maid woman had shouted at her to get away from them, - at which point the raccons had realised their attempt to lure my sister was failed, and started hissing and grinding their teeth. - The moral of the story, Raccoons kick ass.

I hope you had as much fun reading this as I did wanking while i wrote it.
(Seany boy, Sun 5 Jun 2005, 23:07, Reply)

a bee flew into my ear once
well, that's what I thought it was. I was hurtling down a steep hill on a heavy bike with bad brakes at the time. Trying to get the "bee" out of my ear resulted in a head on high speed collision with a hedge full of nettles, brambles and large rocks.
(teasus likes tea, Sun 5 Jun 2005, 23:06, Reply)

Evil Mayan Ants
In Palanque in Mexico, on some militant magic mushrooms, my friends and I were standing at the top of a hill, sweating. Seeing a stream at the bottom of the hill, my friends leapt down to the bottom to cool off. Not being particularly au fait with either hills or leaping, but feeling empowered by the mushrooms, I attempted to follow them. I leapt once, tripped up and rolled arse-over-tit to the bottom of the hill, which I then realised was not actually a hill at all, but a giant red ant nest, which I had just removed the entire roof off. I was then repaid with hundreds of viciously burning bites from the little bastards, which is not nice when you're tripping your tits off.
(Drexler, Sun 5 Jun 2005, 21:50, Reply)

Little bastards...
I was once really drunk and walking down the street. I saw a dead animal and decided it would be fun to poke. Well, it wasn't dead. It was a beaver, and it really didn't enjoy being poked. It started slapping it's tail on the ground, and I don't know how many of you have encountered a beaver when it's angry, but they growl. It sounds like satan is about to jump out of it's thraot, so I do the only logical thing I can and run. It chased me and I climbed a tree. Half way up the tree I fell down and broke my wrist. My sister had a jolly time bringing me to the hospital at three in the morning.
(Kireland786, Sun 5 Jun 2005, 21:01, Reply)

I once got kicked in the head by a horse
being very young 3/4 ish i didn't know that if you walk up behind them and stand around while they are eating YOU WILL get kicked in the head.
It bled, i went to hospital. the doctor says 'please don't scream while i put in the stitches' so i screamed. I went and hugged the pony the very next day.
(Sparkypinkguitar, Sun 5 Jun 2005, 19:34, Reply)

Back in cadets
We were on a 24 hour exercise, and I was on sentry duty over night. Now being a little 14 year old schoolboy, rather than a proper soldier, I fell asleep at about 4 am. I was woken by a loud "baa" noise in front of me, and reflexively fired my rifle, which I had left loaded and with the safety off.

Fortunately, being cadets this only had blanks in (and probably wasn't pointed at this enemy anyway), so it just resulted in a sheep running off at break-neck speed, and me being taken back to camp after being bollocked for a negligent discharge. Still, I got to have a bit of a nap, so it wasn't all bad!
( bloobloo, Sun 5 Jun 2005, 19:28, Reply)

Rats
I love rats. They are friendly, intelligent and cute. However, they are also mangy little pieces of shit when they live in the sewers, as proven by one of the bastards climbing up the toilet of my mother's production office in Soho. On take your daughter to work day. While I was sitting on the cunting toilet. Cue jumping up, screaming, and flushing - which doesnt work on rats - unlike turds, they can hold on. Eventually i chucked a towel over the evil scabies infested creature and chucked it out the window - much to the shock of several innocent Japanese tourists. Despite this traumatic experience, I still keep pet rats.
P.S. Most toilets in Soho now have a kind of shredder thing that also acts as a gate to prevent unexpected rat attack. Even so, I'm never quite comfortable when visiting my mother at work....
(visceralvixen, Sun 5 Jun 2005, 18:30, Reply)

It was a lovely horse really...
One night after coming home in a bit of a bad mood (yay rejection), I went for a walk to clear my head and sobre up a bit before sleeping. Anyways, I found one of the local gypsy horses lying down, tethered to a tree, and sat down with it to feed it some grass. In my drunken state I got somewhat complacent and put my fingers too far into the horses mouth, resulting in a very firm horse bite. When retold, the story always goes that I then punched the horse and ran... I, however, maintain that I just gave it a stern telling off and walked away.

Of course the fact that I was the only person there apparantly has no bearing on the "truth".
(noom, Sun 5 Jun 2005, 18:29, Reply)

mooooooo
there's a lot of replies on here about cows i've noticed, which may seem quite silly to someone who has never encountered a cow at close range before. Having lived on a farm all my life which (thankfully, no more) had a lot of cows, I am fully aware of how terrifying the big smelly bastards can be. Having only a thin, one strand electric fence between 20, two-tonne-each insane lumps of beef and your back garden it becomes an eventuality that sooner or later they are all going to have some kind of spaz attack and come charging through it. The worst bit is that you don't know about it until you hear a banging on the door, open it and see a cow staring at you, having just tried to smash its way through the door, after trying to sit on your car's bonnet and eating the flowers. Then, you have to try and get them back into the field, without them stamping on your foot or trampling you, if you are unlucky enough to fall over. Conclusion: cows are evil and should be eaten and made into coats for their sins...
(Ryuken-Kai, Sun 5 Jun 2005, 18:06, Reply)

When I was about 3
My mum (who was a teacher at kindergarten) took the kids to a zoo type thing with a petting zoo area in Germany (where we lived at the time). Because I was little I went along with them. There I was merrily feeding a little baby goat when a big male goat came up and wanted food, I didn't want to give him any, I wanted to give it to the little cute one but the big goat kept trying to get the food, he ripped the bag and I started to run to stop him getting the food. Unfortunatly he chased me, it took me a while to twig that people were shouting for me to drop the food, when I did so he stopped chasing me. This experience has lead me to believe that goats are evil and should be stopped.
There's also the time that my aunty was walking through a field in Northern Ireland with her son and her boyfriend. Boyfriend mentioned that the cow in said field was running their way, my aunty never even stopped to look round, she just legged it, when she stopped running she noticed that her boyfriend and her son were killing themselves laughing at her and the cow was where it had been for the whole time. She's a bit ashamed of herself for not even trying to save her son
( Roxy_Hart is so so old, Sun 5 Jun 2005, 17:25, Reply)

One More
I was homecoming king at my high school, and right before the ceremony at halftime during my high school's football game, a bee stung me on the ass.

Then they made me ride around on top of a jeep. Sitting on the rollbar.
(deilbfe6ogcshnbcryjh, Sun 5 Jun 2005, 16:50, Reply)

Adventure holiday with the
Royal Navy. I was swinging on a rope from a Seahawk helicopter just a few meters above the water when all of a sudden a killer whale attacked me.
( RedWine President of the S.C.U.M., Sun 5 Jun 2005, 16:47, Reply)

Biking home one night
Down a very dark, very scary country lane, thought i saw a weird shape in the bushes.... as i got closer i started bricking myself more and more, then, when i went by, heard this terrific 'Moooo!' which scared the complete shite outta me, cue me pedalling as fast as my little legs could go without snapping off
( Bobson I who milks the milkmen?, Sun 5 Jun 2005, 16:42, Reply)

very stunned wasp
I was driving around at my old summer job with the windows open when all of a sudden a wasp bounced off the side rear-view mirror. It landed straight in my lap and started to go nuts. Thankfully we had to wear coveralls and mine were a little baggy, so he was just stinging fabric. Never the less I still lost control and crashed in the ditch, a bunch of bushes softened the blow. When I looked down the wasp was dead. When my boss tried to get mad at me for scratching the work truck, I said, "What would you do if you had a bee stinging your crotch".
(Dauber, Sun 5 Jun 2005, 16:12, Reply)

bang! we all like a good bang
has anyone tried the pigeon-exploding-having-been-given-aspirin thing? if so do you have pictures.

slightly off topic, so many apol-ogies
(Fordprefect, Sun 5 Jun 2005, 15:26, Reply)