The Dog Whisperer
When I was very young, some woman was having a bit of trouble controlling her large alsatian outside the local supermarket. Thinking I was Dr Doolittle or something, and believing I had a mystical way with dogs, I thought I would go and "help out". The alsatian did not appreciate this, and gave me an enormous bite on my arse. Luckily, there was a good few people there to see me look like a twat.

Also when young, and visiting relatives, we were out and walked past a horse in its field. I attempted to pat it on the head, whereupon it bit me on the chest. To add insult to injury, whenever I tell this story, I am accused of trying to sexually provoke the horse with my nipple *sob*

For whatever reason, I still love dogs, but hate horses.

On the flipside, when at university, someone absolutely nailed a drive when teeing off at the Old Course, only to hit a seagull after 30 yards.

Apologies etc. w00t! First post!
(DaveSlap, Tue 7 Jun 2005, 14:57, Reply)

bird...
Just last year i had bought a new paintball gun, so i invited some friends of mine to a property i had to show it off.

we played a few games first, but then we tried aiming for things that were lying around...

so my one friend sees a crow on a fairly high branch and dares me to shoot it.

well i didnt exactly hit the bird itself, but after firing a few rounds at the branch it sat on i figured it wasnt such a smart thing to do, since it started chasing me around as i ran and screamed. it got pretty close sometimes but i managed to get myself in the car to safety.

I waited for about ten minutes and thought it had left, so i slowly stepped out of the car. I quickly dashed back in as i heard it cackle at me. So I decided to stay in the car until we would leave.

And I'm still afraid of crows
(chrisj150, Tue 7 Jun 2005, 14:30, Reply)

I was 9
and visiting a friends house when the father of the house (a rather tall and strong man) thought it would be a fantastic idea to bring out his Bull Mastiff.
He went into the room where it was kept and put a leash on it, and in two seconds he was on the ground bleeding.
Me, being the bright child I was, stood where I was as this animal taller than me and much, much longer lunged at my face.
I moved my head back just so his teeth grazed my nose and my eyes were filled with slobber. By this time the parents grabbed it and stuffed it back in its room.
I hate bull mastiffs. But its ok hes dead now. It later attacked their son to where he needed stiches on his face.
(Babbeyroad, Tue 7 Jun 2005, 14:01, Reply)

I got bitten
by a doberman when i was 11. had to be driven 120km to the nearest hospital - dirt roads, middle of bush - as we were living in swaziland at the time, with holes in my leg big enough that you could see the bone. I bled a lot. (The owners said they were going to put it down afterwards, but they didnt. So I shot it myself, repeatedly with my 22 rifle. It didnt bite anyone ever again.)

2 weeks after my bite I saw "an american werewolf in london" for the first time. on my own.

I had a problem going out in the dark for a few years afterwards without complete paranoia.

To this day if any dog acts aggressively (growling barking, baring fangs,etc) towards me i have a "red film" moment, where instinct kicks in and I try to kill the animal.

All dogs know and can smell it on me, so they mostly all try it on.

It has lost me friends owing to me flipping out like a ninja and trying to kill their pets with chairs, rocks, bottles, etc.

I have succeeded once or twice.

that is all.
( pregnantfridge, Tue 7 Jun 2005, 13:57, Reply)

slaughter
my entire family were slaghtered by a bundy (collective name) of anthraxed haggis. if that was not bad enough the next day they all came back from the dead and went about their daily business. Which they continue to this day.i have reported them to the authorities several times. no one listenes.
(noisy_fridge, Tue 7 Jun 2005, 13:55, Reply)

Backwards
Worked for summer once in the small sciences park we have here. Used to take a break at the small
zoo near the small Lion's cage once I found out that he would wait until people were very close and pee all over them backwards...fucking bloody
people pisser!.
(mercybeat, Tue 7 Jun 2005, 13:28, Reply)

planet of the.....
so there i was, four years old (and not very worldly-wise), at cape point, south africa.
Its famous for the families of baboons that hang around eating anything thats given to them, and nickign anything that aint.
i was eating crisps, and the big male babboon decided he had a penchant for salt and vinegar...
3 seconds later and he was eating crisps, having leapt on me (and a full-grown male baboon is about as large as a 4 year old, if not bigger) and nicked them...
still, i got revenge by doing experiments on his relatives years later...
(Ferradura pitching curveballs from leftfield, Tue 7 Jun 2005, 13:10, Reply)

Strangey
I'm led to believe that kookaburras are a bit stringy. Crows are much worse. Or so I'm told.

By the way, Sydney's nice, but you should try Melbourne. Not as picturesque, but much better nightlife. And not many kookaburra's.
(Pleiades, Tue 7 Jun 2005, 12:44, Reply)

Poor Cat
We're blessed with the stupidest, soppiest, wobbliest, ginger mog. In her defence she will give a paw for a biscuit.

She went wandering in the bushes at the back of the garden. Next thing ginger cat flies out of bush and runs, as best she can, down the garden...

Chased by an angry looking blackbird.

The blackbirds spent the rest of the day chattering to themselves, sounded like laughter to me. She spent the rest of the day sulking and looking rightfully embarassed.
(Yellow Car is now red, Tue 7 Jun 2005, 11:57, Reply)

Wet willy
On a day out at the Apenheul (Ape sanctuary) in Holland; all went swimmingly until we got to the section where the capuchin (I think that’s what they were…small and very intelligent anyway) monkeys are allowed to run free. I thought I was well prepared as they provide you with special bags and advise you to empty your pockets etc beforehand as these cheeky chappies are well know for picking pockets/removing earrings/nicking sarnies etc. What I was not expecting was for one to jump onto my shoulder without my knowledge and give me a wet willy! Having a small primate probe your ear canal for yummy earwax with its pre-wetted tiny humanesque finger is a very wierd feeling!
(groovchik, Tue 7 Jun 2005, 11:46, Reply)

Itchin Abbas
I've had worms (not in the biblical sense).
(The Lord God Almighty My bottom smells of poo, Tue 7 Jun 2005, 11:42, Reply)

Mugged
I am fortunate enough to live in Sydney, and every summer we have an open-air cinema right by the waters' edge on the harbour.

Some friends and I were having a picnic in the grassy Domain park before the film - it was prior to twilight on a soft summers day.

I had just spread some lovely cheese onto a roll when I felt this massive gust of wind whoosh past my right ear.

Next thing I see is a sodding big bugger of a kookaburra about 5 feet away hoe-ing into my lovely cheese and bread. And what do kookaburras do?

Laugh.

Why you little...!!!

A couple of months later I was at home, sitting on my balcony when a - yep - kookaburra landed on the table, not 10 centimetres away.

And. Laughed. And. Laughed

I swear I could still see some remains of King Island blue brie on its beak...

Wonder what a roast kookaburra tastes like?
( Strangey is present at, Tue 7 Jun 2005, 11:03, Reply)

penguin attack!
I have indeed been attacked by a penguin. I was 5 and it pecked me through the fence at London Zoo. It drew blood too, the tuxedo-sporting fish-breathed little fucker!
I have no fear of penguins any more - following years of b3ta therapy and only a couple of incidents at black tie parties.
( ChairmanMiaow Stop! Look! Kitten!, Tue 7 Jun 2005, 10:49, Reply)

When I...
...was roughly eleven years old, a friend and I used to sometimes spend our lunchtimes in the school's science department visiting the stick insects that lived there in a big Quality Street jar.

One of the stick insects was a peculiar fat brown one which my friend and I named 'Cigar'. Well, once when I was feeling a bit silly I pretended to 'smoke' Cigar. Now Cigar, for reasons unknown to me but probably connected to him not actually being a cigar but a stick insect, began to spazz out. This scared me somewhat and sadly I dropped him, whereupon two of his legs fell off and within a matter of minutes he was deceased.

I didn't know what to do but bravely picked up the scattering of his body parts and put them back in the Quality St jar. Since no one else was there at the time it could never be proved I was the stick insect murderer, but the fact that I never once afterwards went back to visit the stick insects in itself spoke volumes.

Apologies for twisting the question slightly.
( The Helpful Bear, Tue 7 Jun 2005, 10:46, Reply)

fucking stripey twats
many moons past I was blating along on my RD350 the sun making me toastey in my leathers, two weeks holiday stretched in front of me, a trip to a public house and a lovely girl in the offing. Ah yes every thing was good in the world untill a wasp flew into my helmet and stung my lips nose and eyelid repeatedly. Being a sensible sole I gentlely braked in a safe manner by hauling on both brakes as hard as possible only to have the bike smashed out from between my legs by a opal manta that was following, so now still with the stinging and the oaching I go backwards over the car. Upon comeing round the car driver was holding my head down and helmet fearing I had broken my back. A tragic comic three way fight then ensued with me shouting "musp musp" through my swolen lips, the manta driver saying "carm down and lay still till help comes, its only a bike and the wasp going stingy sting sting" Bastard stripey twat ruined my day my bike my evenings planned naughtiness, my collar bone and my dazzleing good looks till the swelling reduced and also a kindly blokes penis extension. Now we have the secrets of DNA we must now breed a super spider to eat all the wasps.
( Vultan the real one I threw my little yellow shoe, Tue 7 Jun 2005, 10:08, Reply)

fragrant, runny cat poo
My last job was as a teacher in a BTEC course (siiiiighhhhhhhh....). I'd been there about a week when a girl comes into my class clutching a small duffel bag rather delicately to her chest. Somehow I instinctively knew there was an animal inside. It turns out she had been on her way to school and saw an alleycat, which she figured she would rescue and home. She had no time to take it back home, so she brought it to class Being an animal lover myself, and thinking that it was a good deed, I grudgingly allowed her to have the cat in class, as long as she kept it in the bag.

Halfway through class we take a short break, and predictably, the girl gets the cat out and all the other girls go apeshit, petting him and cooing at him. I begin teaching class again, but hear a 'meow' behind my back. I turn around and one of the students has the cat on her lap. "Class is back in session guys, it's time to put the cat back in the bag" (har har har). Somehow the girl interpreted 'put the cat away' to 'lean over and say "shh!" into his little black ear'. I warned them. So I cannot be held responsible for what happened next.

I'm facing the chalkboard when the student says, with increasing volume, "Oh, no. Oh, SHIT!" Which was exactly what the cat was doing. Runny, squirty, kitty diarrhea. On her leg. I guess alley food just disagrees with your stomach sometimes. The girl was too stunned to stand up right away, so the poo ran down the side of her thigh and pooled on her chair, so when she stood up she had poo on both the front and back of her jeans. She ran into the bathroom, followed by the hysterical laughter of her classmates... which continued for approximately five seconds before people began retching and stampeding away from the wretched smell.

So... my class ended fifty minutes early. The girl went out at lunch and bought a new outfit. The student who'd brought the cat remained in the smelly classroom, desperately trying to clean up the muddy piles of cat diarrhea at the cat went bonkers, running amuck and eagerly creating more on desktops and chairs. And the campus administrator begged me not to tell our boss what had happened before running into the hallway, dry-heaving.

Goes to show you get your money's worth with a BTEC course (boom swish). No apologies for length or to anybody who has ever been enrolled in a BTEC course.
(Mabel DelTaco, Tue 7 Jun 2005, 9:00, Reply)

Damn horses!
My mum was travelling round Scandinavia when a horse trod on her big toe, breaking off the nail.

What did my silly mother do with it?

She did what any other normal young woman would do (!) and sent it home to my gran in a jffy bag. Ultimate nightmare package! Ew!

Ginger Hobbit
(Ginger Hobbit, Tue 7 Jun 2005, 8:19, Reply)

wasps are evil
I was walking my dog when i was about 15 or so and i got suddenly attacked by a swarm of wasps, thankfully it was a cold day and i was wearing 3 layers but they were going mental just sitting and stinging my repeateld. like i said i was wearing thick stuff so i was ok.. until one got me in the back of the neck, bastard. it bloody hurt.

i have never liked wasps and i guess they could take the rejection
(davemate11, Tue 7 Jun 2005, 7:18, Reply)

Pelican
Actually, it was my ex, but he kindly proferred a fish to the pelican, only to suffer razor-like wounds to his hand.

Together we also once approached a lone elephant seal (weights of 700-800 pounds and can be up to 8 feet long), thinking it was dead. But it was not. And it was cranky.

BTW, I must add that, in Iceland, a kindly puffin flew over and dropped a beakful of little fish upon my head. I would have been more grateful if I hadn't been so preoccupied with finding someplace...any place to empty my bladder.
( Artamnesia, Tue 7 Jun 2005, 6:41, Reply)

Our cat Digger
has his own way of attacking. Just 5 minutes ago Digger expressed his displeasure with my wife spending the whole day painting and not paying attention to him. She has a three day craft show this weekend. But before she does any more painting, she's going to have to clean out her paint box. Digger pissed in it.
(mrbuddhafreak, Tue 7 Jun 2005, 6:09, Reply)

cows
being teenage raskals living in a sleepy town in the north of england, we were often bored and sought adventure where we probably shouldn't have. one night we got tanked up on cheap cider and found ourselves in a field of cows. at some point they decided that they'd had enough of our unwelcome foray into their peaceful habitat, and charged at us. we ran for our lives, leaving the cows behind. it seems we left the gate open, because the next day the centre of town was full of the aforesaid beasts. i don't think they actually attacked anyone else, but the townsfolk were fairly baffled, and the local newspaper put it on the front page.
(kitten nest, Tue 7 Jun 2005, 1:18, Reply)

My Grans dog
My Grans dog, a bitch, repetedly tried to hump my leg when she was getting on abit.

A friends cats used to try to claw my legs off so I would leave them behind when I whent home, althouh I think this is normal for cats when they sit on you.

My dad's overweight dog, who came from a blue cross animal shelter, was a complete nervous reck at first, but did improve after awhile, unfortunatly she had a tendancy to suddenly jump on people if anything startled her. Not good for a particulary scrawny 10 year old boy. And then when she calmed down she would get excited and dribble all over me. Poor dog ended up going back to the blue cross shelter and becoming the pet of one of the staff after a vicious neighbour kept making false reports about excessive barking, fouling etc, to the point that the dog might have ended up having to be put down by court order or taken by the RSPCA who would have to put her down because she was not an animal who they could rehome.

On the plus side, we did anoy the neighbor continuously until she and her boyfriend moved out 18 months later. Actually he moved out a bit earlier, having first got rid of his knakered fiesta and bought a Golf GTi like what he had when he first moved in with her. I think he came to his senses and left her as she was a controling bint.

But in those 18 months my dad took every oportunity to piss her off. Looking after 20 or 30 budgies (or something like that) for two weeks and feeding them at 2 in the morning, that kind of thing. The best one was probably burning the garden rubish right were a stack of car tyres had been and putting the tyres in the shed. She phoned the council/enviromental health and reported us for burning tyres. They turned up, my Dad produces the the tyres from the shed, and says "Why would I burn these? They are brand new!"

Erm I think I may have gone slightly off topic her, sorry.
(Mookfish, Tue 7 Jun 2005, 0:25, Reply)

My dog once
Bit a Stagecoach driver who put the music for the icecream van on, who had been left a cup of tea by his Mum whilst wanking. My dog was never one for people who jump on bandwagons...
( jim_bob can herd cats., Tue 7 Jun 2005, 0:16, Reply)

about 2 summers ago
my mom wanted me to stop by her house and haul some garbage away from her garage. What she had failed to mention to me was there was a freshly built hornets nest in the ceiling right in the entrance way.
I had just dyed my hair bright red a couple days before (the color of anger to a hornet..apparently)...and while i was standing talking to moms neighbor i suddenly felt as though someone had smacked me in the back of the head with a 2x4 about 4 times. I did a funny little dance, while brushing the little bastards from my hair. I apparently looked like quite the idiot.
They got me twice on the head and twice on the back of my neck.
swollen, painy goodness.
(C. U. N.ext T.uesday, Mon 6 Jun 2005, 23:34, Reply)

...
I was once bitten on the back, by a shetland pony. I was only trying to be its friend. Bastard.
(tinkers rucksack, Mon 6 Jun 2005, 23:07, Reply)

Voilent Little Critters
we went to the butterfly farm in year 4, so i was around 8,
I, wanting to impress had decided to borrow daddys sweet smelling aftershave, so i seemed grown up,
However, these butterflys liked the sweet nectar i was soaked in, cue the onslaught of around 20 butterflys trying to drink the sweet sweet nectar from my arms, face and neck.
Butterflys make me quiver to this day.
(Sennor, Mon 6 Jun 2005, 23:03, Reply)

talk to the animals...
I've always liked animals, and in general they seem to like me, but I have had several (memorable) accidents with them. I like horses - I never got out of that yay! horses! stage, anyway I ride a rather mean horse that is generally ok, but one day decided to take a hand spans chunk out of my left leg as I was getting it ready. Cue loud swearing and horse breaking free from being tied up. I still have a large bruise and it tingles strangely when touched. I still ride it though. It loves me really.
Also I (un)wisely thought it would be cool to ride the horse bareback to the stable from its field. Not a good idea. It goes off cantering and bucking as I gracefully slide off the side at speed covering me in mud and scratches. My mum is with me helpfully holding the other horse who goes crazy and gives her rope burn by dancing about. I wasn't wearing a hat. thank God for soft landings.
Another one is cycling along in shorts in richmond park with two others in front of me - paths are VERY stony there. Dog gaily runs in front of first cyclist causing a chain reaction which leaves the first two unscathed and me sliding along the ground on my bare leg trying to avoid the other two and peppering it up the side with gravel - ouch!

yay first post, virginity popped, blah blah blah, all that jazz.....
(PixelGirl unlock the mind...unmind the lock, Mon 6 Jun 2005, 22:39, Reply)

Mouse.
I got bitten by a mouse a couple of days ago that one of the cats brought in. Whilst trying to rescue the little fucker from a gummy death (one of our cats has no teeth)the thing sank it's pointy sharp yellow teeth into my finger.
Kismet caught up with it though. One of the cats brought a very similar looking dead mouse in today. That'll learn it.
(Rondette, Mon 6 Jun 2005, 22:19, Reply)

short and sweet.
was sunbathing by the lake one gentle summer day, got bitten in the fucking pecker by a goose
(orderoftheflame, Mon 6 Jun 2005, 21:46, Reply)