Current gf
Her kisses as a text sign off - the contents of the message is irrelevant;

XxX = All is fine and you have been a good boy.
Xxx = You have done something which displeases me, but I'm not going to tell you what.
X = You are in deep shit, arsehole.
No kisses = I'm going to give you 12 hours of ranting and you had better bring flowers you fucker. And no idea why.

Even in XxX mode, whoa betide if I don't reply within 30seconds with xXx, “because they fit together”

As with a number of others, she is a fruit loop but as her ex husband paid £10k, she will always have nice norks.

Requests for pictures will be obliged.
(Suck it and Sea, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 18:52, 54 replies)

Fortunate indeed
Other than a curiously durable belief that the fuel tank of cars will refill naturally if left over time, Mrs Hatred is a magnificent person and one I love to bits. For those unhappy (and I mean systemically unhappy, not that you had a row last night over filling the dishwasher), surely you owe it to yourselves to change?
(Leonard Hatred briefly did some work on, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 17:40, Reply)

My love is honestly without fault.
She's sexy - I could watch her for hours, and frequently do
She's practical - she can do things many women can't. Change locks, for example.
She's rich - she can afford a new phone every few weeks, it's difficult to keep track of her phone number to be honest.
She's adventurous - she walks a different way to work and home every evening
She's independent - she pretend's that she doesn't need me around all the time.
She's funny - she got the police to tell me to keep away as a joke.
She's perfect in every way.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 17:24, 4 replies)

My ex was a bit fighty. Instead of using words to settle arguments, she would use violence. It started off with pushes, then slaps... It ended with a volley of punches at bed time (I was in pants and a tshirt). As I headed for the door, she grabbed my tshirt begging me not to go. Which I slipped out of leaving it in her hands. I drove from my old home of Bedford to my family home in Nottingham arriving at about 2 in the morning, in my pants with a black eye. 'Tell me in the morning' my mum said.
(Fridgy, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 16:57, 4 replies)

To you...
To me...

To you...


To me...

Could it get any more annoying?
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 16:42, 7 replies)

A nice cup of tea.
I’m feeling a bit left out this week, due to my "don’t go out with psychos" rule and a not finding little things annoying, like the way The Lovely Mrs RoF stirs the tea…the ding ding ding ding ding of the teaspoon back and fourth…ding ding ding ding ding ding surely that’s enough stirring, surely…ding ding ding ding ding ding ding will it never end…ding ding ding ding ding ding ding … Ah! The pause before… wait for it…three taps on the rim of the cup…ding ding ding.

I wonder if she’s made me a cup

Ding ding ding ding ding ding ding… that’s a yes then… ding ding ding


Neither of us take sugar.
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Mon 8 Aug 2011, 16:11, 1 reply)

I love her to bits but.......
..... She's very clean my missus. House is clean, she's clean, hates it when her car gets dirty etc. But there's just two things! The kitchen worktop can be a bit of a mess after cooking dinner and so on, so she'll grab the dishcloth that usually sits in the washing up bowl and dunk it in the water that's in the bowl. Now that water is usally there after I've washed up and is just sitting in there in between me deciding that there's more washing up to be done, or deciding to tip it away.
So, she dunks the cloth in to the old dishwater, often flecked with bits of rinsed off food, grease oli etc. and then wipes said dodgy watery cloth all over the worktop, spreading it all around, and pronounces "that's better"!
Another thing...... when she decides all the shoes need polishing, including the 17 year old boy's shoes who is capable of treading in anything nasty like it's a magnet!.... Dog shit, rotting takeaway etc. where does she do it? On the kitchen worktop where we prepare the food of course, none of the other tables in the house seem adequate to her for some reason?
I just cannot get the logic across to her! But then she's a woman, and I'm a guy, so what's the point?
(verynaughtyboy, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 15:54, 1 reply)

Ex partner (as of 10 days ago)
I was with her for two years and over the past year she has been suggesting that we should try for a baby, I have no problems with that other than I'd rather we were in a more committed relationship than just going out with each other, maybe move in together, possibly engaged, absolute 'No' she says, so she wanted a baby with no commitment to me, well that wasn't going to happen.


She went nuts at me about 6 months ago because one of my female friends happened to put a kiss at the end of a comment on my faceache status, that 'nuts' that she actually deleted off her friends list.

What was the main reason for the split? one of our mutual friends showed me her profile and it was riddled with comments and kisses off other lads including one saying 'HOTTY' which she'd replied with 'Cheers Chris xxxx ;-)' her relationship status said 'single' too.

I mentioned this to her the day before the split and she finished it the next because I've got friends who snoop on her and I shouldn't have been looking??

I think this 'sperm donor's' had a lucky escape.
(Kip, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 15:29, 20 replies)

It's the the way he always says
"Howdy!"
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 15:07, 3 replies)

My Ex...
...made me smuggle her coke through airport security stuffed up my arse.

And all because it was a pound a can in departures.
(davywavy, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:02, 1 reply)

Salami rubber
Every time she gets a salami or other sausage out of the fridge, she insists on pretending it's a cock and wanking it furiously.

Oh, no, wait, it's me that does that. What a puerile, immature fucker I am. Nermind, it's never too late change (turns over new leaf, pretends to gobble the sausage instead).
(impossibly witty twat No, YOUR Mum etc etc, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:09, 1 reply)

Selfish through and through
I'm proud to say I'm now happily engaged in a wonderful loving relationship that fills me with joy.

However that was not always the case, for I am a divorcee. Without dredging up the bitter past I shall regale you with the tale of this Saturday when I had to return my daughter (5) who's been staying with me for a week, to my ex, who's been on holiday in the Caribbean for 10 days.

To set the scene, I was due to have my daughter stay with me a for a week as part of the school holidays and have been looking forward to it. My ex requested I have her for an extra day at the end (Sat) to fit around her holiday plans. No problem. She then liased with my parents that they have my daughter for an extra day at the start, so she topped and tailed the week to squeeze in her holiday. Fair enough.

Then she went to excrutiating details about my plans for returning my daughter to her (normally 90 miles/2 hrs away). She wanted me to agree to set times etc etc, but due to distance and holiday traffic I thought it irresponsible so instead suggested I come down on the train as she would be being collected from the station herself by her boyfriend... wait, what was that? Her boyfriend. Yeah, odd one that, she's having a weeks exotic holiday but leaving her live in partner at home? Oh well so be it. So all confirmed with her and as told to her I bought the train tickets.

SO, fast forward to Saturday. We're on our way to the train station and I get a txt message. She'll be home early, isn't going to the train station and how do I intend to alter my plans to drop off daughter?

Err.... well I can't. I'll be on the train, which sadly doesn't drop off outside her house in the middle of nowhere. I'd made plans that put me there early though so daughter and I could go swimming so advised the ex that I could meet early if needed, I also warned her of the motorway holiday traffic.

Fast forward a few hours... oh gosh, the ex is stuck in traffic that she couldn't have foreseen when I warned her about it 4 hours earlier. She's nowhere near the original collection location/time and my daughter is now more than ready to go home. So she calls her boyfriend and has him drop everything to come and collect daughter instead, which graciously he does.

For the first time I got the chance to chat to the boyfriend and nice chap he was too. Then he drops a clanger. "I don't know why she didn't sort this out with you before she went, I mean she's driven right past your house as it is so could have collected her and she had hours at the airport before she set off".

That's right, not only had she ended up driving to the airport, she'd gone right past my house and could without any difficulty have collected my daughter. Instead we spent all afternoon travelling Bristol to Devon and me paying for the privelidge because she couldn't be bothered to go out of her way.

Then the icing on the cake, he says "You should let her know, as she's well.... getting a bit like that". "i'm not even going to go there mate", says I. So sounds to me like he's started to realise she's a complete selfish bitch too.... Good luck.

I guess his holiday was a week without her ;-)

Price of an afternoon on the train in the sun = £30
Finding out the ex is still a bitch and her boyfriend has realised = priceless :-)
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 12:53, 2 replies)

I think it's me...
EVERY time she rings up for a takeaway, I'm hovering around saying "Ask if they deliver", then coming straight out with "No, only lamb and chicken".

I've got the kids doing it too now...only a matter of time before she gets the patio dug up and I disappear I reckon...
( snee held his breath since, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 12:23, 4 replies)

The missus
Is great, I think we've had one argument in 9+ years.

One thing that drives me absolutely spare though is shopping.

Her?

Pick up item of food. Read back. Put it down. Pick up another. Read back. Put it in trolley. Pick up out of trolley, pick up another. Read back. Put down. Pick up another. Read back. Put in trolley. Pick out of trolley. Back on shelf. Pick up first pack and ponder for a minute. Place in trolley.

Repeat for every item required.

Me?

Grab first one I see. Bung in trolley. Done.
(Rimfeast, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 11:33, 1 reply)

b3tans! Try to marry other b3tans.
Two people being miserable is better than four.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 10:07, Reply)

We'd been together a while, but then I found out that she'd been
showing her fanny for 5p a time behind the garages.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 9:24, 6 replies)

What really annoys me
is having to re-bury them under the patio when the foxes dig them up.

Selfish bitches.
(Robin of the Hood isn't into the whole brevity thing, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 2:04, 8 replies)

I've done no research on the matter...
...but it seems to me there's a fairly equal number of chaps and chapettes who don't seem happy with their current other halves. I reckon if some enterprising individual felt so inclined, they could match everyone up based on specific b3ta characteristics and ensure relationship harmony.
(chuckle_h0und You furnish the pictures, I'll furnish the war, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 0:05, 18 replies)

Depressing
Anyone else agree that it's terrible the amount of people on here moaning about their current partners? And I don't mean the nice stuff that annoys you about someone but you couldn't actually live without, rather the chronic unhappiness that some b3tans seem to be suffering from at the hands of their other halves?

I'm all for hearing and laughing about the batshitmental partners people have escaped, but fuck, is this really the place to work out if you're in a godawful soul destroying relationship?

Surely it would be better to be happy and single (or looking) than in a relationship of (in)convenience for the sake of it?

Or is that just me? (and stop calling me Shirley)
( the pink chicken sniffer sniffs pink chickens., Sun 7 Aug 2011, 23:44, 17 replies)

To be honest...
I've just come back from a week at the in-laws' and haven't read most of this week's contributions so far (although I plan to do so tomorrow when at work), but there's a sizeable current so far in favour of interpreting the question as "My current partner is a psycho, should I dump him/her?". Not that I'm in any way embittered or at an impasse as to what to do now, but I'm going to run with that current. Or swim in it. Or use electrodes to pass it through my cranium, or whatever else it is one does with currents.

My current girlfriend:

- forced me to give up my cat because she "couldn't sleep" when he was in the flat, despite the fact that cats take an average of seven calendar days to get to know someone new and learn to be quiet at night. She knew full well that I loved that cat, and that cats are the only animals I’ve ever had as pets and ever will have as pets;
- had me spend three hours traipsing around a major European capital city because she couldn’t decide where she wanted to eat that evening, and when she finally decided on a pizza place, tried to make me get up and go somewhere else because she'd changed her mind. I said words to the effect of “You have got to be fucking kidding", and we stayed put;
- changed, and changes, her mind all the goddamned time, at the very last minute. I’d booked us two tickets to see the Christmas market in Strasbourg – famed throughout Europe – and she told me the night before we were due to leave that she didn't want to go after all. Result: I ended up with two train tickets for which I couldn't be reimbursed, owing to the route in question being served by some regional company that didn’t do refunds. Interesting factual aside: before being with her, I had never missed a(n important) train in my life. Since being with her, I have missed three trains and one plane, costing me upwards of one thousand pounds;
- wrote to my mum, two weeks before she was due to visit us, to criticise her and tell her how disappointed she was with the way she’d handled a particular situation (which has nothing to do with the present question and is a very long story in its own right). My mum, who is retired, had originally planned to stay with her but ended up booking a hotel instead, adding hundreds of pounds to the cost of her stay;
- threatened to dump me because I had spoken to her with my right hand clenched in a fist shape rather than open three hours previously, and deprived me of sleep for most of a night talking about the implications that had for her;
- reacted to the news that I was breaking off the engagement (because I was sick of her bullshit) by putting both her hands through a plate-glass window, cutting herself copiously in the process and necessitating a visit to A&E;
- actually, I’m going to leave it there. There's a lot, lot more to tell, but it's late and I'm tired, and I'm curious to see what the reactions will be based on this alone. In mitigation, I do love her, but she drives me fucking bonkers.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Sun 7 Aug 2011, 23:00, 45 replies)

My ex
thought that all that glitters is gold, and that if the shops are all closed with a word she could get what she came for.
(Vigilante Man weeps because you're stupid., Sun 7 Aug 2011, 22:23, 7 replies)

I'm on the bog
Like a lot of people, I like to read when I'm in the thunderbox, so value a bit of peace and quiet. So WHY does she decide to hold forth on a topic of no interest to me, but in such a way that I have to make approving noises, whilst being unable to concentrate on my book?

At worst, it will wait until I'm off the throne, but usually it could wait indefinitely as she repeatedly rails against something neither of us can change.
( Snappyuk gets BIGGER with free sample., Sun 7 Aug 2011, 21:19, 3 replies)

Films my wife has said are shit
My wife is a bit younger than me, so missed out on some of the best films the planet has ever seen, so I decided some time ago to educate her in the ways of the awsome film, but she has resolutely declared most of them "shit".

These films include:
Breakfast Club
Weird Science
Lost Boys
Robocop
Terminator
AWOL
Blood Sport
Mad Max
Predator
Red Heat
Universal Soldier
Shocker
Enter the Dragon
The Running Man
Highlander
House
Under Siege

More will be added as I remember how wrong she is...

Edit:

First off, you're all wrong. Second, she also hates:
Evit Dead
Night / Dawn / Day Of the Dead
The Thing
Hellraiser
Rambo
Dark City
Romper Stomper
(ScousersPet, Sun 7 Aug 2011, 20:43, 28 replies)

I am not a bad person
I am what I like to think of as a character.

My partner Carol sees me as a farting, swearing, poo obsessed pervert. It is nice to know that my B3ta influences are so ingrained with in me that at a recent party, I left out the chalk sticks so we could draw CDC's on things.

She was not impressed. I laughed like a drain! It does bug me when people have a sense of humour failure though.
( Rev. Jayneflakes Buy my book, I need the cash for drugs and hookers, Sun 7 Aug 2011, 19:40, 6 replies)

*Really* annoying partner!
it all started wen i was hangin out at the beach n i saw a fat woman n i was like roffle beech whale more like a beach whale ruffle n she turns round n gives me a cold glare n im like shit n she comes at me like a fukin fr8 train so am like fuck that n start runnin off i didnt giv any consideration to the Rags to Ritchie book i left on the beach or me towel so i was jus in me bludy swimmin trunks n sandals runnin away from a fat woman n i kept runnin like michael jordan or som shit n ended up in a hut so this mans there n es like wot u doin ere lad n im like sorry mate i was runnin away from a fat woman n this is where i ended up n e said theres nowt for u ere mate n im like sorry mater i didnt fuckin expect to come in ur shitty hut did i n e goes y u callin my hut shitty for u little prick n im like its not tht bad but its no pizza hut ruffle n e smacks me in the lip n im a hard man and wont take any shit so i smacked im r8 back n got im a good 1 on his chin n he goes u havent seen the last of me yet as e falls on the floor so i go out the hut n i notice one of me sandals is comin loose which is a shame bcuz of all the sandals i av ad these wer by far me favourite they were blue n had a little swiryl pattern but ononehtelss if u love somethin u hav to let it go so i tk me sandles off n jus walked barefoot along this road n i came across a woman not literally came acorss her ruffle but i encountered her n i said excuse me but do u no where i can get som spare sandals n she goes ye i do but im not tellin u unless u go on a diet u fat cunt n i was a bit ashamed n thought she was a bit rude so i go home n start rethinkin me life n i went for the fridge n go no drubert dont do it n dropped the donairs i was pickin up n go rite time 4 a change laa time 4 a change so i go to sleep n i wake up n go to the gym n jus get on the rowin machine n start rowin not rowin as in arguin roffle but propa pullin the thing back n it took abt 5 mins before i was bare on tired so i fked it off n went to the lounge n bought a bacon sandwich n was like fk rowing then all of a sudden the fat woman came in n she seen me n i was redy for confrontation i am not afrade of anything which is y they call me iron bollocks drubert so she comes at me n i jus kick her but me leg gets stuck in her fat n she swings me rond n im on the floor n she jumps on me n i fkin suffocated didnt i the fat shite so i ended up in hospital which is the las place i wanted 2 b as me cuzin roderick works there and he is a fucking A__SHOLE n he comes up n goes haha gettin into trouble i see n i go ur face will get into trouble if ur not careufl u little wanker n e didnt look pleased but e jus decided to b the bigger man n walk away n i got dealt with didnt i so ater tht i go to a shop n buy some nw sandals n i called my cousin roderick n go hey roderick do u fancy nippin down the beach n e goes ye n we met up by the record store which is where i bought me first cd it was a mr men cd i was only little n we walk onto the beach n start checkin out the fit girlz which is wot we came for in the 1st place ruffle n we take our tops off n roderick had much better six pak abs than me unfortunally i only had a 5 pak and i got a bit jealous so i took my trunks off to reveal me big Donald "Dangerous" Dangler n a police saw me so am like bludy hell i gotta do 1 so i ran off as fast as i could but i ad not adapted to me new sandals yet n therefore i tripped over n e cuahgt me n goes ur nicked son so i end up in jail n they slip me thru a nutri grain bar as i ad not ad any dinner that day n me mum comes n sees wot a st8 i am in n goes o boy uve gone and done it again avent u uve rely gone and done it now all i cud do was look down as i was ashamed in meself n so was me mum evidently but i got taken home n decided it was time to turn over a new leaf n be a more sensible boy so neext day i go 2 marks n spencers n buy the best lfipin suit i cud find and the suit was 2 become my new original character trait as i do not have much of a personality and need somethin a bit wacky n zany to make me seem like an interestin person so a suit it was n me mate selina told me women find men in a suit sexy so result i went out in me suit n ladies heads kept turnin i thought it was becuz i looked sexy but i was soon to realize it was becuz me suit was on backwards n i felt like such a waly i ran home locked meself in me room n cried 4 hours on end i also listened to some The cure as they help me wen i am feeling down i dont remember the songs i listend 2 but they had good melodies which is my favourit thing about them n after a long hard cry i had 2 feed me pet lizards but unfrotunatly they ad deid so i took them out 2 the garden n buried nthem n held a little ceremony with my doll Harajuku Barbie and my GI JOE action figureine where i sed rest in hollywood larry the lizard and lisa the lizard u were the best my respect ye cmon after tht i ws feelin down so i went 2 a bar downtown were i could dance the nite away i mingled with the folk n became a bit intoxicated a bit naugty i know but i was avin a bad day n i jus let me feet take control from there on in n i met the woman of my dreams er name was Caroline which reminded me a bit of Childline but i did not let it bother me 2 muc hshe was beautiful with ag reat figure and nice hair as the nite went on we got more n morei ntimate n she invited me back 4 coffee i am a man that luvs my coffee i can not go a morning withotu it and although i am not keen on it at nighttime i decided i wud take up her offer n go back to hers n we got there n she goes ok let me get the coffee n comes back n jus a bit of skimpy cloving rly n i wasl ike o haha i catch ur drift so i got naked on the spot but i was shakin more than Patrick Scarola the time he had cybersex with his tnegaged girlfriend n the nerves were makin me Donovan Dangler rather small so i was a bit embarrased but nonehteless i was redy for action n then Caroline goes i av somethin 2 put in u n she takes er pants down n fuck me she had the biggest twizzler i ad ever seen then it took a fewminutes to sink in its a bludy tranvestite ent it! i was ferin for my life man i started to run off but he/she grabbed me n goes ur not goin anywhere sexy from then on i jus ad to accept me fate cuz e was stronger than me i wudnt say it was rape becuz i did not mind me insides bein tickled by im but rly i wasnt sure if i liked it or not anyway i woke up in the mornin feelin like p diddy if p diddy was a young scrawny white boy with a stretched out rectum i put me cloves on n started to walk home as i was walkin home i started to quite enjoy the walk n started doin a few cheeky body pop jigs n started singin the arthur theme tune to myself wot a wonderful kinder day
(SirStromming, Sun 7 Aug 2011, 19:09, 37 replies)

Using ironic in the wrong context.
Every time she had one of her mental blow outs whatever it was I'd done, any explanation I offered was ironic and apparently wrong. This also happened during arguments. The break up argument was about music oddly enough.

"Oh I love that Alanis Morissette song Bitch"
"That wasn't her it was Meredith Brooks"
"You always have to argue with me"
"But it was her look it up!"
"Oh that's ironic"
"That was Alanis Morissette, Bitch was Meredith Brooks"

Didn't go down well to be honest!
(Dangerous Disco Trev Isn't my real name, Sun 7 Aug 2011, 16:29, 4 replies)

Well...
... the sound of her breathing got right on my tits.

So I murdered her and fucked her mum instead.
(rampants, Sun 7 Aug 2011, 14:04, 3 replies)