I think 'sealed orders'
should actually be given by trained seals.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Wed 20 Jun 2012, 14:15, 1 reply)

I was a shy teenager
with spots and a speech impediment. But luckily I got over my pocks an' lisp.
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Wed 20 Jun 2012, 14:11, Reply)

One of our warehouse guys just had a very nasty pallet accident.
a whole pack collapse.
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Wed 20 Jun 2012, 13:46, Reply)

I once covered my mouth with a chocolate-based breakfast cereal.
I had all coco pops lips.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 20 Jun 2012, 13:30, Reply)

My parents were killed in a car accident
I went to live with my Great Aunt & Great Uncle.
I found a swamp where a wise, funny old frog lived. Lots of the old creatures didn't like the earthworks going on. Some of them took a grader & "disappeared" it into the swamp.
Some other old creatures took the bulldozer and buried it underground.
We had a problem with a very old rock-like creature which happened to hate vibration. It killed some sheep and seemed very scary.
We found it didn't like the tractor.
But we couldn't get rid of it.
Then I remembered the buried bulldozer. We fired that up and with the tractor we made that old rock run.

*Probably only Aussies of a certain age will get this 1 - but I'm happy to leave it open*
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Wed 20 Jun 2012, 12:29, 10 replies)

Aren't all QOTW answers apocryphal?

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Wed 20 Jun 2012, 12:18, 3 replies)

Being fair-skinned....
I burn in the sun very quickly (good excuse for being an Internet shut-in), my wife reminds me constantly during the summer months to put on sunscreen, hat etc, often to the point of nagging.
One sunny morning (I am not a morning person) she was reminding me (again) about protecting my lips lest they burn and chap, to which my exasperated reply was:

"All right, let this homme be - I'll pack a Lypsil!!!


(apologies for lack of alpacas)
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Wed 20 Jun 2012, 11:49, Reply)

I found the mouth of a llama-like creature.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 20 Jun 2012, 11:32, 2 replies)

someones's nicked all the Bacardi Breezers ...
it's an alcopopalypse!
(haberman is singing in the changes, Wed 20 Jun 2012, 11:16, Reply)

5.9 Earthquake Jakarta
Had a 5.9 a few days ago about 80 miles away, didn't feel much and the locals seemed disinterested.
( Terry Oblong There's nobody here but us chickens on, Wed 20 Jun 2012, 11:11, 3 replies)

Market Rasen earthquake.
I was staying at my sister's in Gloucestershire at the time, and the ceiling light swayed a little bit.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 20 Jun 2012, 11:03, 1 reply)

Earthquake in England
Market Rasen in the Lincolnshire countryside had a tremor measuring 5.2 on the Richter scale about 4 years ago. We live roughly 50 miles from the epicentre and were woken by a loud clattering which was the ripple effect of our roof tiles shuffling and resettling. (Not a single tile was broken and our kids slept through it all)

My brother, who lives a further 15 miles from the epicentre was still awake and web surfing. He immediately looked for any news on BBC,CNN, Sky websites but information there was none.

After about 20 minutes, the first news came through on the cause of all the noise.

Yes that's right the exclusive was brought to you first by....... Facebook.
(Barnetboy, Wed 20 Jun 2012, 10:21, 4 replies)

My Plan will be
Head to my cottage on a hill in the west country after sitting it out in the capital on the top floor of a department store for as long as possible.

accessing the the food store my wife built behind a wall under the pretence of 'learning a hobby'

facilitating the development of sonar weapons.

(no apologies here - the author's name has been mentioned already and the picture he paints of a drowning london sliding into chaos is one of the highlights of english lit)
(magictorch, Wed 20 Jun 2012, 9:57, 12 replies)

If England do the impossible and win Euro 2012
I think reality may just implode.
(ParaSitius is an Optimistic Pessimist, Wed 20 Jun 2012, 9:35, 1 reply)

On the basis of The Infidel's post below......
....and an inspection of the back seat of my car, I conclude that my kids are also preparing for the apocalypse.
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Wed 20 Jun 2012, 9:23, Reply)

Is not the purpose of religion to stop us killing ourselves?
If one takes the atheistic approach, existence is ultimately meaningless, and one day will be but dust.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 20 Jun 2012, 9:17, 6 replies)

Maybe it's me...
...but here's a short list of the natural events I've been in/around/through:

1987 Whittier, California earthquake
-- I lived over the hill from Whittier. House suffered only minor structural damage. Pain in the arse commuting for a few days, but not a big deal.

1988 49er Fire, California
-- Happened near my home town. Had to help a friend evacuate his place which was in the line of the flames. Used back roads to sneak around road blocks to get in and out with his belongings. Fire was across the river from his place as we were loading my truck, and when we left were unsure if we'd return to an intact building or a pile of ashes. Fortunately the fire was contained before his place burned. Minor smoke inhalation for me.

1989 San Francisco earthquake (technically the Loma Prieta quake)
-- Was in my office in downtown San Francisco. Rode my office building as it swayed and allowed me to see around the corner of the building across the street. Took 8 hours to get across the bay to a relative's home. Again, not much damage personally, but in the aftermath the commute around the bay was messed up. It is because of this altered traffic pattern that I met the first Mrs. Grundig. As she is now the first ex-Mrs. Grundig, this can hardly be considered a complete dodge of the bullet. (N.B.--Never refer to your ex-wife as your >first< ex-wife when your current wife is in earshot. Bad things result.)

1991 Oakland Hills Fire, California (see a pattern here?)
-- Was at home when it flared up on the ridge behind where I lived. The situation went from "Gee, it's smoky out there," to "Holy shit, the building is on fire!" in about 5 minutes. Grabbed what I could and left in my car, sending the first Mrs. Grundig on her way ahead of me in her car. We took separate routes out. She was unscathed. I nearly burned to death in my car. Lost everything I owned, except the clothes on my back and a car with bubbled paint. I am honest when I say that I was glad to be merely alive.

1993 Storm of the Century
-- Was in Atlanta, Georgia for business on the Friday that this thing hit. Being a southern city, Atlanta is not equipped for much snow. They got 16 inches. Was stuck in the hotel through the weekend with no power or heat. Hotel management opened the bar and the vending machine stock as there was no other food. Made a few friends. Froze my arse off.

There are more, but these are the ones that affected me most. The current Mrs. Grundig sometimes scoffs at the stock of food, water, and other necessities I keep on hand. The silly cow. I smile, nod, and think about rotating out the perishables.

tl; dr: I am a disaster magnet.
(grundig Down goes Frazier! Down goes Frazier!, Wed 20 Jun 2012, 6:27, 4 replies)

I'll sneak this in here
Seeing as it has to do with the New Testament (so only a few chapters removed from Revelations' apocalypse):

Jesus drove a Honda. He just didn't like to talk about.
Proof: John 12:49 'For I did not speak of my own accord'.

I bet he also didn't mention the supermodels for obvious reasons.
( Tiffany Aching 's bowl of oatmeal tried to stare her down and won, Wed 20 Jun 2012, 5:15, 5 replies)

I was about 7 when the sirens started going off
about three times a week as a test for when the Russians finally shot off their ICBMs and nuked us till we glowed.
It was hoot, if we kept at it we could make the teacher cry. "What will happen to us?" I would ask and bring out my sweet shy smile.
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Wed 20 Jun 2012, 4:24, 2 replies)

I just had a bit of a cleanup in the cab of my old truck.
Shamed when offering someone a lift and having no room for them had led me to try and tidy it up a bit. At first glance it's an extended cab pickup which should seat 5 people comfortably but has over the last 3 years gradually accumulated my "survival gear".
It all started innocently enough with some winter basics in case I got meself stuck in a winter storm. Here in Alberta we do get some rather unpleasant storms which sweep down off the Arctic and can drop a huge amount of wind blown snow and extreme cold temperatures on us. -35º to -40ºC are not uncommon. It makes sense to be prepared and avoid death while trapped for a few hours on a back road.
In theory I can munch on high energy snacks and make myself a hot drink while I snuggle down in my sleeping bag (the cab kept just above freezing by candles) and await the end of the storm or rescue. There's even something to read.

This so called "winter emergency kit" is all well and good but it's June now and the days are warming up nicely so I thought I'd have a rummage through the piles of stuff filling the back seats and take out what I didn't need. I have to admit this is the first time I've attempted this in 2 years or more.

Here's just some of the stuff I found on the back seat, under the seats, in bags, in the side pockets..
2 kinds of bowsaw, a chainsaw chain with handles, 4 knives, knife sharpening equipment, a can of bear spray, 3 multitools (2 of which I thought I'd lost and had replaced), 2 sleeping bags, 8 candles, flint and steel, spare flint and steel, various lighters, can of lint to start fires, a small axe, a machete, a substantial toolkit, compass, mini gps, whistle, kettle, gas stove, 12 volt kettle, can of butane for various lighters, gloves, hats, socks, waterproof boot covers, a small tarp, a bigger tarp, bag of energy bars, packs of coffee, hot chocolate and cold drink mix with vitamin c. Big tow chain, heavy duty towing strap, folding shovel, hammers (2 of), cable ties, assorted self tapping screws.

There's more. I've put it into 2 large tote boxes and still there's more. Tins of food, 12 cans of fruit juice, dog treats ( I don't currently have a dog but there they are anyway) and more..

And I wondered why my fuel consumption was poor..

So now if the apocalypse rears its ugly head while I'm on the road tomorrow, the very things I had planned on using to stay alive will be at home in plastic boxes.
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Wed 20 Jun 2012, 3:36, 12 replies)

Every football tournament ever when England underperform
and crash out in the first round or get utterly spanked in the quarter finals. Or so you'd think, judging by the hand wringing and introspection that goes on until the fucking tournament ends. "Why can't we win anything?", the masses roar. "Because you're shit", comes the reply from the rest of world.

I like football, but come on, it's not like England hasn't had years of practice of showing itself up to be mediocre at best. At least the Scots take it on the chin by virtue of rarely qualifying for anything.

That said I'll be sat in front of the telly in twenty minutes anyway. I hope that Joe Hart scores; he's got nice hair.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 19 Jun 2012, 19:28, 1 reply)

LA riots
I was at work when the Los Angeles riots started. With a good view over the city, we watched as fire after fire rose up. We were transfixed by the TV news coverage and the approaching smoke. Eventually it crossed my mind that I should make the drive across town to my safe seaside community. The odds of getting more work done that day were slim and it didn't make any sense to watch the fires spread fully across my escape route.
I got near to home and got bogged down in traffic. Despite all previous evidence to the contrary, I decided I was resourceful. I turned off the main route and took the sides streets. Only when I was fully in the Oakwood section of Venice did I remember that, at the time, the highest murder rate in the city was among the gangs in the Oakwood section of Venice. I had turned into a labyrinth of narrow streets as a voluntary sacrifice to the Minotaur of racial/class hatred. Somehow I scrambled out of there. Not heroically, the riots never did spread there as far as I recall.
As I drove the short highway to my area, I saw long lines of highway patrol cars on each side, waiting to block trouble. I was incensed that they weren't off stopping the violence but were, instead, safeguarding one well to do area that had no signs of violence. Despite my political ire, I was grinning broadly in relief that the social injustice was guarding my back.
I realized I had no food and it might be days before things were back in order, so I went to the store. It was closed, the only thing open was a pizza place. Three hours after ordering, I got my emergency supply pizza and waited the civil unrest out in comfort.
All of this made me realize that when the real apocalypse comes, I'm mercifully and deservedly going to be one of the first to die.
(thatguyjoe, Tue 19 Jun 2012, 19:12, 1 reply)

In my lifetime I've met a few people...
...Who are the sort who pray for some kind of Apocalypse.
Why? Thinking about it, the first thing that will go (after power) will be Water, No clean water running out of the taps, no water to wash with, no water to flush the crapper.
So along with everything else to contend with welcome back diseases like cholera and typhiod.
Then a loss of fuel, Not only resulting in a Mad Max style scramble for the last few liters. The survivors worlds will suddenly become a lot smaller.
Communication, either destroyed or under the control of feudal warlords. So no more internet/mobile phones/bbm. Want to know whats happening in whats left of London? Then be prepared to wait three months for a bit of propoganda.
Food-No more supermarkets, The few may have stockpiled food will be allright for a few months but then what? Farming, its not as easy as it looks ,even less so without any diesil for the tractor. Plus many farmers are the only ones in the UK armed and know how to use their shotguns, used to dispaching vermin they would be the first to see a starving investment consulatant as vermin of the 2 legged variety.
Orginisation? A section of soceity used to dealing in voilence, communicating off grid and with a rigid hierachy. Welcome to life under the rule of Criminal Gangs.

The world in wich we live may not be prefect. But for everyone with 24 tins of beans in the cupboard and a hunting knife in their bug out bag....You think life is hard now. Under Apocalyse conditions you will be the first to fall.

Day of the Triffids was written 60 years ago, still holds up as one of the great apocalypse stories.
(Gru being trolled since 1998, Tue 19 Jun 2012, 17:04, 5 replies)

Melbourne Quake, 2012

I survived it. It was about 4 hours ago. A 5.2 - biggest earthquake to hit Melbourne for over 100 years.

The best way I can think of describing it is it's like your house was driving over a cattle grid. For 30 seconds. Long enough to think:

"Shit! It's an earthquake"

But not long enough to actually do anything like get the fuck outside.

I checked the house - no noticeable damage then, horror, struck me!

"Oh noes! What about the bottle shop?" (Convict-speak for an off-license)

So I jumped in the car and hot-footed it to the shop. It was OK. A few bottles broken but only cheap shit. As I didn't want to appear rude I bought a bottle of Jim Beam and headed back home. Catastrophe averted.

Cheers

Addendum: Just had a report of the first confirmed casualty. Silly fuck was up a ladder (at 9pm - mid-winter here - pitch black) when the quake struck and he fell off.
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Tue 19 Jun 2012, 16:43, 10 replies)

A 151 word story about MAD apocalyptic fallout
Stockpiling

My ex would not wish the world to know that she likes to be read bedtime stories, or that she once released such a gargantuan turd that the toilet wouldn’t flush for a week. Likewise, there are dirty secrets that she knows about me that, God willing, will never see the light of day. People say that it’s romantic the way a couple can open up to one another, share their vulnerabilities. People are idiots. These things will out sooner or later if you’re living with a partner. Partners tell each other these things for the same reason countries have nuclear arsenals, but the partners bombs are “he makes a noise like a horse when he ejaculates”, or “she got so drunk she pooed herself”. There’s no intimacy in these shared truths, it’s a case of if I’m going down, you’re coming with me. Mutually assured destruction is not romantic.
(NorwegianLube Erm..., Tue 19 Jun 2012, 16:10, 4 replies)

If there's ever a nuclear war, I've promised myself
that I'll shit my pants and cry. I believe in setting achievable goals.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 19 Jun 2012, 16:05, Reply)

We went to see the fall of Rome; I thought it would please us
To see how the mighty go in a blaze of hubris. But I just stood there hypnotised by all the beautiful madness.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 19 Jun 2012, 14:53, 1 reply)

I watched a snail
crawl along the edge of a straight razor. That's my dream; that's my nightmare. Crawling, slithering, along the edge of a straight razor... and surviving.
(ParaSitius is an Optimistic Pessimist, Tue 19 Jun 2012, 14:44, 5 replies)

Dulcet tones of Doom
This isn't much of a story, but bugger it, its tenuously linked!

My secondary school (what now feels like eons ago) was just on the edge of civilisation, and half a mile past that was a active quarry. When they were blasting, they'd run the air-raid-esque sirens.

This is little comfort to the newly-arrived eleven year olds (myself included), not helped by the fact our maths teacher was a sadistic prick who herded us under our desks so the "bomb wouldn't get us".

Picture the scene: our head of year strolling by and failing to hold in his laughter at 30 kids all hiding in pant-filling terror. In 1999.

Bastards.....
(Fleximus Rex briefly gave up lurking on, Tue 19 Jun 2012, 14:21, Reply)

My stepfather was a British naval officer on board one of the ships in the Cuban Missile Crisis.
The captain was instructed to open the sealed orders, which were "Fire if fired upon".

Which was nice.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 19 Jun 2012, 13:39, 7 replies)