George Takei, the typical flamboyant stereotype of something or another.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 18 Nov 2013, 23:47, 24 replies)

In our junior school production of Sweeney Todd the Barber
I turned down the volume on everyone else's keyboards shortly before curtain up, to ensure that their amateurism would not spoil the show. I may also have hit the "bossa nova fill-in" button to add a drum roll flourish at the end.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Mon 18 Nov 2013, 22:00, 2 replies)

Who does she think she is?
Theater is rife with attention 'hoes'.

Complaints spilled forth about one cast member's spotlight-grabbing antics. The complaint I liked was: "We were an ensemble show and none of us were supposed to stand out. At Bows, we were instructed to simply hold hands together in a single line and bow gravely to the audience. Instead, SHE took a little step forward and curtsied!"

Bitch!
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Mon 18 Nov 2013, 21:53, 1 reply)

Pricks wearing sunglasses on the tube.
Cunts.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 18 Nov 2013, 21:53, 3 replies)

i have a friend who is a nice girl but a wannabe poet and a total dramaqueen
every day her fb posts are quotes from long winded poets or darkly veiled hints about her life without actually saying anything or pictures of blood welling from a slashed wrist.

ffs. GET OVER IT. anyone who does this sort of shite should be forced to eat sprouts overnight and then sit on a crowded tube without farting.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 18 Nov 2013, 19:09, 4 replies)

My Downfall
I sit here on a wet Monday afternoon, in my pants and bathrobe, having done precisely nothing all day. Why? Because I am an attention-seeking fool, and it cost me my job, and my dignity.

This is my story.

Class Clown, that was me. Then, as I made my erratic transition to the professional world, Office Clown. I loved to make everyone laugh, and I went to great and silly lengths to achieve it. I will be the first to admit that my japes have never been particularly clever or inventive, but that's not the point. Sitting here in the cold, hard reality of unemployment, it is increasingly clear to me that, for all my life, my so-called sense of humour has been nothing more than rank and wanton attention-seeking. And one month ago today, it cost me my job.

I was working my way up through company. I was well liked, good at my job, and everyone thought I was funny. I was in a position to have regular contact with the top brass, and they all thought I was hilarious - all except the CFO. He seemed to be a permanently angry guy. I tried my hardest, but nothing I did raised even a smirk.

One day I was preparing to empty myself in the gents' loos, when who should occupy the next stall but the CFO himself. I could tell the man from his angry muttering as he struggled with the lock. Nervousness crept in, and I was just about to abandon it as a wasted trip when all of a sudden I let out a large and impressive fart. Muffled giggles came from the next stall. My whole body siezed with a sudden hope, and even more magnificent fart emerged.

"Speak up Mr. Brown, you're almost through," I intoned at the very top of my voice. That was too much for the adjacent occupant, and I was met with a deeply, thoroughly satisfying burst of laughter. This was to be the seed of my downfall.

A month later, and I'd been called into a meeting with the top brass. I don't remember why, or what it was about. Overcome with nerves at such a key opportunity to prove myself, I'd spent my lunch hour in the pub, and was pretty far gone when I reached the meeting room. There was some big financial deal, or possibly a merger being negotiated. We were on a conference call with some Americans. I was really struggling to maintain. My stomach was doing somersaults. The CFO looked unhappy, I do remember that. Really unhappy, and as time went by he just got angrier and angrier.

Suddenly everyone was looking at me. It was my turn to say my piece. My guts rumbled. I looked over at my new CFO friend, looking utterly miserable, and I knew what I had to do.

Quick as a flash, I jumped up onto the boardroom table, lowering my backside over the speakerphone. "MAKE WAY FOR THE BUM TRUMPET," I bellowed. "IT'S HERE TO HAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" I continued, vomiting projectile shame over the entire boardroom.

"No! NO! NO! That was the wrong end! THE WROAUUUUUUUUUUGHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUGHHH!" They looked on in mute horror as I proceed to paint the room in vivid shades of poor decision making. In front of a room full of angry, sick-soaked executives, on all fours, sobbing openly, I looked up at the CFO. Face like a stone. Not even the slightest hint of a smile. I had failed.

And then I shat myself.
(Frank Snow, Mon 18 Nov 2013, 17:01, 11 replies)

Security Theatre isn't a thing until it happens to me.
Cos it's not about the honey, you uneducated fools, it's about the fact a decade-long shift in the political zeitgeist is only important when it happens to me.
(Maq is playing games and fretting about his future, Mon 18 Nov 2013, 16:36, 1 reply)

I've noticed a worrying trend recently.
That of men wearing ankle-swinger trousers. Oh, these trousers that done reach my shoes properly? What about them? Stupid cunts.

I *think* it's part of a yearly conspiracy by the heads of fashion houses around the world. Each year they all get beastly drunk at some mountaintop retreat and then reveal the ridiculous fashion that they will be introducing that year for mass production. They're all obliged to bet against each other's chances of success.

Previous 'champions' have been - floppy beanie hats with a wisp of hair poking out the front, MC Hammer trousers (mostly for women), trousers that let your arse hang out the back, really long pointy smart shoes and those dark red slip-on shoes with the little tassles on the front.

Large sums of money have changed hands throughout these bets, I'm...er...willing to bet.

Anyone who wears these things (possibly all at once) is an attention seeking cunt.
( Fray Brentos *mega-belms*, Mon 18 Nov 2013, 15:06, 4 replies)

In my younger days I attracted lots of attention by bringing my milkshake to the yard.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Mon 18 Nov 2013, 13:32, 4 replies)

Anyone with a tattoo, haircut, who wears clothes, listens to music, or does anything creative.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 18 Nov 2013, 13:07, 17 replies)

COCK TUESDAY!

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Mon 18 Nov 2013, 13:00, 7 replies)

*your choice of b3ta meme here*

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 18 Nov 2013, 12:57, 3 replies)

It's all
umadbrololcatzsharksharkquoquoastleybadgerbadgerbadgerpirates
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Mon 18 Nov 2013, 12:16, 1 reply)

Some things just irritate me
When it comes to appearances, I take what I would consider a fairly liberal approach myself - I used to dye my hair red for example because I liked the way it looked, as did a few others (but that's another story). The thing about appearances that I cannot stand, however, is when it is clearly done for the effect it will bring, and not for any discernible aesthetic value. There are many things that befit this criteria, but I shall focus my attention on multi-coloured mohicans, and those huge tribal ear destroying things that leave a saggy, gaping hole.

If you like punk music or the general cut of the punk era's jib, then fair enough... good for you even! If your hair is spiked out 4 feet above your head, with various bits of pink, green, blue, subtle apricot and god knows what else in it, then it's nothing more than a cry for people to look at you: "Please observe me and be in the presence of my hair, for it is of vital importance that you know how different and individual I am. Are you looking? Can you see my individuality shining through!? I'm so very very different" etc. I couldn't care less about your unoriginal attempts to be original, careful on the way out... you could poke someone in the eye with that stupid thing.

The ear-lobe saggers. What's the fucking point!? I thought that this sort of thing originated in Africa because it was supposed to make women so unattractive that they would be unable to cheat on their husbands (thus making them a better wife)? Its the ones with the larger gaps that are the worst, for it simply has no redeeming value to it. "I can put my finger through my ear" oh can you? Fucking amazing! Hang on, I'm getting a call, can I put my frisbee in that thing? Thanks. Fuck off... you are not deeper or thinking on some higher cultural plane than I am simply because the sides of your face now resemble an over-used anus. Pissflapped arsemongering twunt.

I feel better now I've got that out in the open.
(2_Killer_Mockingbirds Listened to all the same songs on, Mon 18 Nov 2013, 11:58, 16 replies)

My stepmother, to emphasise her opinion that my father shouldn't offer my sister a minor bridge loan after ballsing up her finances in her first term at university
Threw a pot of tea over my sister, then stripped down to her underwear, and ran through the village, through two neighbouring villages, and into the local town, where she was picked up by the police and returned home.

Again.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 18 Nov 2013, 9:17, 13 replies)

Look at me: I've got a fantastically successful singing career.
You can tell how enduring my appeal is by the way I lick this sledgehammer.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Mon 18 Nov 2013, 8:12, 9 replies)

my name is jacob dyer and i live in bristol. it is fantastic. i sound like barnaby bear. i like barnaby bear. one time he went to france. i went to france. but some kid burnt my neck. i didnt like it.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 18 Nov 2013, 7:51, Reply)

My choice of computer operating system is better than yours.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 18 Nov 2013, 7:16, 11 replies)

anyone who writes an autobiography.
If you are worth knowing about, a professional writer will write your biography. And if you didn't write your autobiography but employ a ghost writer, you're not literate enough to tell everyone 'all about your hard life'. An editor can smooth off the rough edges if you but try.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Sun 17 Nov 2013, 22:46, 2 replies)

Boss Level Alpha Maling
What would you do if you found out your (only) two brothers had gone on holiday to Samoa with their wives to celebrate the younger one’s milestone birthday, but they kept it secret because you’re a chronic narcissist and hijacked every party and social gathering you've ever been to, turning it into an attention fest about you.

Would you take a hint and amend your ways?
Would you secede from them?
Would you phone them up and have a yell?

Or would you, like my wife’s ex, get the next flight available out there to “give them a nice surprise”?
(J H Christ began in Afrika ka ka ka ka, Sun 17 Nov 2013, 20:31, 5 replies)

James Hutchings (apeloverage).
Book spammer extraordinaire.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Sun 17 Nov 2013, 20:12, 2 replies)

I WAS NOT SENDING HIM BUMHOLE PICTURES I WAS PAYING HIS MORTGAGE

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sun 17 Nov 2013, 17:11, 19 replies)

I like to wear dresses made of bacon.

( sneep used to date Freddie Starr's hamster, Sun 17 Nov 2013, 16:36, 5 replies)

We have a laugh here don't we

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sun 17 Nov 2013, 16:28, 1 reply)

Rod Fearhome

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Sun 17 Nov 2013, 15:38, Reply)

Furries.
They're basically people who have sex with animals, right?
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sun 17 Nov 2013, 14:25, 1 reply)

Evolution's only really a simple theory when you think of it and is FULL of holes.
I mean, who did something like an elephant turn out by 'chance'? There HAS to be an element of design by someone intelligent going on there.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sun 17 Nov 2013, 14:02, 4 replies)

Marilyn Manson.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Sun 17 Nov 2013, 13:01, 4 replies)

Kunt and the Gang

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Sun 17 Nov 2013, 12:45, Reply)