Puns
I'm trying to think of a banking-related internet acronym!

But I'm a bit stuck ATM.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Wed 22 Jul 2009, 16:35, 7 replies)

pulled a bank cashier once
Took her back home and got down to it but I found I was in the red, so I did her in arrears instead.
( rofl harris, Wed 22 Jul 2009, 16:31, 7 replies)

not banks per se
but bills in general. A guy I worked with said he paid his bills as and when they arrived (every quarter or whatever rather than by direct debit). He smugly said he would wait until the deadline after the red bill had arrived because "I like the idea of getting something for nothing".

In other words, he was convinced that they stopped charging him for his gas/electric/phone etc when they sent the bill, and didn't start charging again until he paid his bill.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 22 Jul 2009, 16:15, Reply)

Coppers
Tomorrow I am going to take around £100 in 1p's and 2p's and 5p's to get changed into real money. You know the stuff that folds.

The last time I did this, the cashier looked at me as if I were holding a live pig and asking them to slaughter it.
( redazril I LIKE DRUGS!, Wed 22 Jul 2009, 16:14, 5 replies)

Not even pen on a chain
I've been in my local branch of Yorkshire Bank that had no tellers, just a drop box and a few cash machines. To make a cash deposit, you wrote out a slip and put into an envelope with your cash and drop it into the box.

The pen on one occasion was a Bic biro sellotaped to a length of string which was attached to the wall by Blu-Tac
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 22 Jul 2009, 16:07, Reply)

In Spain on holiday
I was desperately trying to find a bank so I could withdraw some more spending money. Not speaking great Spanish myself, I decided to ask the most normal looking person I could where the nearest bank was, by pointing at my map and shouting "Need Money, need money".

The Spanish chap, realising I was a useless Englishman pointed at the map and said, "Ahh, you need to go here, Bank, Si?"

"Thanks", I replied, "But my name's Tracey Emin"
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Wed 22 Jul 2009, 15:36, 1 reply)

I hate banks. All banks..........
I apologize if this goes on a bit but I have an axe to grind with banks. They do my head in!

Story 1. I received a letter from a debt collection agency last year. They're called LOWELL FINANCIAL and they are basically a bunch of criminals. The letter was very threatening and made mention of debt collecters calling at the door, being taken to court and basically being harrassed until I paid up. The problem was that it wasn't my debt!
They were collecting on behalf of HSBC who I have never had any dealing with in any way. I telephoned Lowell and got to speak to some snotty, arsey, horrible bitch who wouldn't listen to me when I said that they'd got the wrong guy. She had the attitude that I was a liar and she told me so. I couldn't believe it and by now I was convinced that I'd had my identity stolen. Eager to sort this mess out I asked to speak with a supervisor but was told that wasn't possible. I told her to shove it where the sun doesn't shine because there was no way I was a debt that wasn't mine and she said someone would phone me back.
Later that day someone did indeed phone me back. He was slightly less arsey and wouldn't give me his name. After a very short converstation during which he checked my full name, date of birth and previous addresses he decided that the debt wasn't mine. Of course I was pleased at this but now I was concerned how they'd got my name. He told me that they actually get peoples name from the voters register and if your's is only similar to one of their debtors they'll send you one of their shitty letters to you in the hope you'll pay up! I mentioned that this was disgraceful and he replied "Yeah well, it works though". So basically if I'd have taken fright and paid the debt they would've let me!!! Incredible!
I demanded a letter to confirm the debt wasn't mine which arrived a week or so later. I emailed the director of the company to complain but never got a reply. A few months later I applied for credit but got rejected. I thought this was odd so got my credit report. Guess which bunch of fuckwits had put a nonpayment notice on my record!? Yep, LOWELL sodding FINANCIAL. It got taken off after I threatened turning up at their main office with an axe but watch out for these chancers. They disgust me! Watch out for them.

Story 2. I swapped my credit card balance from Natwest Goldcard(idiots by the way) to Nationwide Goldcard (not so bad really) as I could get 13 months zero% if I did. I soon got a phone call from a Nationwide salesman asking why I'd been so stupid as to do this and that he could save me money if I took a loan from him. I only put a few hundred onto the Nationwide card and it would be paid off well before the 13 months was up. The sales monkey was quite pushy and aggressive and took great pleasure in telling me credit cards were expensive and he guaranteed he could do a better rate for me.

I said "Wow ok. A better rate than zero percent means you'll have to pay me to take the loan out. It's a deal!".
"Oh, I can't beat zero percent" he says.
"You just guaranteed me you could".
"Well, I can't".
"You said you could".
"I didn't know you had zero percent on the transfer though"
"But it says on the Website it's zero percent. It's not rocket science"
"Sorry I can't beat zero percent"
"So either you're a liar or stupid then?".
He says "I'm not a liar so I must be stupid", made his excuses and hung up shortly after.

Fair play to him for his honesty though. With honesty like that he'll never get anywhere in banking.
(muttley001, Wed 22 Jul 2009, 15:26, 4 replies)

I am a banker
and strangely enough, my wife's cochleas were after getting a lend of some money off me to tide them over the weekend.

Pointing to my wife I had to say "sorry, no. You're in arrears".
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Wed 22 Jul 2009, 15:21, 1 reply)

Pen on a chain
One of the most annoying things ever - pens on chains. You'd think with the amount of money banks make from our money, the least they could do would be to let us use a normal biro.

Writing with them is a joke;.I've lost count of the number of times I've tried to stretch the little chain just a bit further so I could sign my name properly, without having to hold the pen at a weird angle

Anyway, I still managed to steal one. I levered the whole pen, chain and stand included, from the counter, leaving just a black sticky pad in it's place.

Take that, banks.
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Wed 22 Jul 2009, 14:43, 6 replies)

Naughty
Dad went to the bank during the lunch and joined the hot and bothered queues waiting their turn. It was a hot day and a petulant crying child gave that grating finishing touch. The mother threatened, bargained and plead in vain to get the damn kid to shut up.

Eventually she tried diplomacy, culminating with:

"Don't be naughty!"

The kid responded,

"I'm not naughty! You're naughty! I saw you kiss daddy's dick!"

Which worked a treat. Mummy went bright red, snatched the noisy kid up and fled the bank.
(xixax, Wed 22 Jul 2009, 14:31, 1 reply)

No funnies here I'm afraid.
Apologies for length. It turned out longer than I expected. How nice it is to be able to say that. fnar.

Being an apple fan gurl, and a blind bint to boot, I was orgasmically pleased when the iphone 3gs came out last month. It's the first mobile phone that is accessible to us blind feckers out of the box because it features a screen reader built in. No having to lay out 150 notes for third party software to actually be able to use the phone. Result.

Saddo that I am, I was up at about four am to buy one - and the accompanying 18 month contract - via the O2 website on launch day. I go through all the dross of which one do I want, how would I like to pay, what contract do I want, la la la, get to the credit card payment bit and find that upon entering my verified by visa info my credit card is declined.
"Fuck," me thinks, "Maybe I put it in wrong", knowing full well that I didn't - and as far as I know, you get three goes before they lock you up and I got refused on the first go. The webpage asks me if I would like to try a different card. So I try my debit card instead. Same thing - card declined.
Thinking their crappy website is responsible (wouldn't be the first time), I get on the blower to the customer service droids come eight o' clock when the lines open to do it over the phone. Go all through the shit again - which one do I want, yada yada - get to giving card details, which I damn well know are right, and credit card declined. " Lets try your debit card," says the tele tubby.
Ditto - denied ! - do not pass go, to not drop £200 on a shiny new iphone, you (obviously to them somehow) suspicious scumbag.

Somewhat unnerved now I phone up my bank and explain my tale of woe, expecting to be told it's O2's fault as they have proved totally inept mongoloids in the past. However, I'm told that because every one and their dog wants an iphone 3gs and is obviously prepared to beg, borrow, steal or presumably murder another card holder and fraudulently use their card to get said item, my bank's policy is to decline the transaction for such an item with O2 forthwith without so much as a by-your-leave. To protect me from fraud, they say.
I am then told that it's ok now though - try it again and as we know it's really you wot wants to use your own card to make a perfectly innocent purchase, we'll allow you to. How gracious.
Cue me on the fucking phone to O2 on hold for bloody ages until I get through again. Sigh. All goes through this time though.
"What a stupid bank I have," thinks I.

Two weeks later, fiance wants to get a shiny iphone 3gs too. He's been playing with mine and loves it (my phone, you dirty swines !) He's enraptured because he is also a blind bugger and has to get some of this accessible touch screen action for himself.
Off to the O2 website we go. Go through the gubbins. Get to inputting card details. Input them.
Card declined. Try another one.
Try his debit card.
Declined.
"Bollocks," says he. We're thinking this surely has to be something to do with O2, as he's with a different bank to me and this is too much of a coincidence.
"You could always try Carphone Whorehouse, they've got them too," I chirp.
So we away to the carphone whorehouse website and order from there. And guess what ? Same deal - cards declined.
He phones his bank up, explains issues, and is told that they also have a policy not to let any perfectly financially solvent and sensible people buy an iphone 3gs from anywhere selling one.
Assumedly one now has to phone up the bank to let them know before you want to use your cards to actually buy something for yourself with you own money. It's not like we don't buy gadgets or similar value items often either - in the last year, we've bought a fair few similar value items of electronic trickery over the space of six months. However the iphone 3gs rang all the alarm bells with both our banks and stopped the cards dead. Which is odd because I'm fairly sure I heard that one cannot buy this item for cash in a store - it has to be via card payment. For security reasons.

But when our cards got cloned last year and some shagnasty nerk made fraudulent transactions to the tune of three grand in the space of a few days at online betting sites and airport shops - places such as we have never ever been to ourselves - did our security conscious banks decline said transactions to protect us ?
Of course not.

FFS.
(womanwhocanonlylivewithdogs, Wed 22 Jul 2009, 14:30, 3 replies)

And, um


A static electricity walked into the bank and asked to withdraw some cash.
The banker said "yes we can do that - but there'll be a small charge".
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Wed 22 Jul 2009, 14:18, 4 replies)

Sod off
Credit card companies, who cold-call and try to get me to balance transfer or some other such fuckery.

I generally as a rule am polite but firm in in saying no, but this one git trotted out the infuriating cliche "So, you're not interested in saving money then?"

'Well, since you ask, you've called me, and are costing me a whopping roaming charge. So, if I hang up, I'll have affirmed that I *am* interested in saving money *and* at the same time got rid of a noxious bottom-feeder salesman.'

"..."

i definitely have a mental gearstick with "cunt" written on it somewhere
(mymilkshakebringsallthemongstotheyard poison hearts, poison minds - joining hate, Wed 22 Jul 2009, 14:15, 2 replies)

I walked into the bank today
and Ann Wilson, lead singer from popular 80s band "Heart" was behind the counter!!

I walked up and she asked "how can I get you a loan?"
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Wed 22 Jul 2009, 14:14, 5 replies)

I find that sex is like a bank, right...
I lose interest after I withdraw...
(likeajackhammer, Wed 22 Jul 2009, 13:04, 4 replies)

I recently went to my bank to make a withdrawl
To my astonishment the cashier counted out a small pile of dried fruit that resembled dessicated rabbit droppings and passed the pile over to me through the little grill.

When I enquired: “Wassthisthen?”

She replied: “You have a currant account, sir...”
( SpankyHanky, Wed 22 Jul 2009, 13:02, 10 replies)

Today
I'm working a 12 til 8pm shift at a crappy call centre, selling crap over the phone. I work shifts - including Saturdays and Sundays. Apparently its essential that the phonelines are staffed between 8am and 8pm weekdays, and 8pm until 4pm on weekends. This even includes Christmas Eve and New Years Eve.

My question is...

WHY WHEN I GO TO THE BANK ON SATURDAY AFTERNOONS ARE THEY SHUT?!?

Isn't it more important and essential for the economy for a bank to be open on a weekend and until 8 than some idiot trying to sell you lawnmower parts? FFS!
(Tick Tock, Wed 22 Jul 2009, 12:57, 1 reply)

Short and sweet in scifi style
Despite the fact I am now (just) old enough to legally have my own adult children if I was mad enough, my bank card still has me listed as 'Master'.

Muahahahahaha!

I like this, in a rather sad Doctor Who style.

(even if it's not related to that)
(syllopsium, Wed 22 Jul 2009, 11:45, 1 reply)

Many years ago, when I was a lad
There was a man in the town who got into debt. Hitherto, he had been a mild mannered gent who got on with people and 'kept himself to himself' (they're all like that...) but his debts got the better of him and he decided the best way to pay them off was to rob a bank. Actually it was a building society, but that's splitting hairs.

So off he went, with a shotgun (unloaded), marched in to the building society and demanded a sum of money, with menace. So far, so good. A successful robbery completed, he made off with said sum of money. However,the police caught up with him and he was arrested fairly soon after, and subsequently sentenced to several years in prison.

Thing is, he made it even easier for the police to catch him as when he'd got the cashier's attention with the gun, he asked for exactly the amount of money by which he was in debt! He didn't even go to the bother of getting some more so he could have a little nest egg. He just wanted to clear his debts.

Sad, but (unusually for a Wednesday QotW entry) true.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 22 Jul 2009, 11:03, 1 reply)

How G Robbed a Bank
Originally posted for the Shoplifting question on 10.i.08
My erstwhile flatmate G, when a student, robbed a bank.

By this, I don't mean that he produced a gun and stole the money. He actually stole (a good part of) the bank.

One day, he was walking along the street when he noticed that the Alliance and Leicester was having a refit, part of which meant a new shopfront. Bits of shopfront were piled on the pavement. Later in the day, they were still there - apparently unguarded. I don't know whether they were bits of the old or new front. It really doesn't matter.

What does matter is that G, quite possibly a little worse for wear by this time of the day, had a brainwave. A brainwave that went somewhat along the lines of "I want that". A subsequent - and longer - brainwave went along the lines of "I am in a rugby team; Big George, the prop forward, would have to help me; I know Big George's phone number; and - Behold! - a phone box!"

Big George clearly thought that G's scheme was brilliant.

The result of all this was a living room full of "borrowed" bits of the Alliance and Leicester.

And that is how G robbed a bank.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Wed 22 Jul 2009, 10:44, Reply)

Cancelled my credit card the other day
"please enter the number on the front of your card followed by the hash button after the tone"

beep beep beeperdy beep"

"I'm sorry I did not recognise that number"..... " "Press 4 to speak to an advisor"

.....

"hello Morgan Stanley Dean Whitter Goldfish Tuesday Barclaycard Cash back Advantage. How can I help you?"

"I'd like to report a missing card"

"do you have the card number?"

"no I've mislaid my card but I do have a statement from 3 years ago when it used to be an MBMA one"

"OK give me that"

...security questions answered

I said that I had lost my card a month ago during a house move and it was somewhere in the house but I couldn't find it. No I haven't given my pin to anyone, fact is I don't even know it. Do you require a New PIN with your replacement card? They asked. I don't want a card I want to cancel it because I haven't used it in a month and don't need it. "You have £22 outstanding", they say. I ask for verbal run down on the card and everything seems in order, no one has used it but me.

Passed on to cancellation department. "But Mr Buffet you've had your card for nine years are you sure you want to cancel it"? I explained that my wife has a credit card and she did all the shopping and I don't need one especially as we are rolling in cash. "What card does she have"? "Barclaycard" I said "one of yours I presume". "Are! But does it have cash back" - "No we get cash back from the co-op where we shop" I replied "Won't cash back incur higher charges?" "Beside we are rolling in money at the moment"

"..."

"Ok I'll cancel your card and the direct debit should cancel itself"

[thinks: I've already cancelled the DD, and they can whistle dixie for the £22, I've spent that already talking to the buggers]
( buffet_the_appetite_slayer ٩(●̮̃•)۶ jacked in to the ICE on, Wed 22 Jul 2009, 10:18, Reply)

Bank Computer Piracy
I support bank computer systems. Big UNIX ones. One of those computer systems has the acronym 'PIRATE', although I can't remember what it means.

So there's the exposition. I received an alert earlier today telling me that the filesystem '/var' had filled up. Turned out to be some user log files, or something. To let the owner of the files know about this, I sent this message:

"Please delete some of your old log files from PIRATE's /vaaaaaarrrrrrrr filesystem :-)"

He replied --quite sternly-- with:

"Done. btw I've just noticed that PIRATE has not been updated to the latest patch release. Patch releases 'A' through to 'H' have been applied, but I think we're currently on 'I'

Please apply an 'I' patch to PIRATE as soon as possible."

In a truly bizarre twist, he was correct too. I am literally applying an 'I' patch to PIRATE right now. I have no idea if his brilliant (and relevant) riposte was accidental due to his total lack of acknowledgment of the original japery.
( chart cat has an itch, Wed 22 Jul 2009, 10:06, 20 replies)

I was at a cash machine the other day...
... and a blind bloke asked me to check his balance.
So I pushed him over.

Boom tish.
(womanwhocanonlylivewithdogs, Wed 22 Jul 2009, 10:03, 1 reply)

Student days
I remember when I was as uni I had a mate who was really hitting the overdraft hard.
We were all in the mood for a good piss up and he decided he would yet again try and extend his overdraft.
The three of us walk into the bank and he goes up to the counter. He hands over his card and the teller pops into the back. Thirty seconds later there's a cloud of dust where Stuart used to be.
We finally locate him about 100 meters from the bank. Apparantly what had happened was that when the woman went off he noticed a piece of paper with his name and card number and a note saying that if he came into the bank he was to be stalled and the branch manager called.
( riverghost servicing your mum since, Wed 22 Jul 2009, 9:44, 2 replies)

I remember when I was in the staff loos
at a place I worked and I over heard two girls talking.

Girl1: I've got a credit card and the limit is £5,000
Girl2: £5,000? What have you spent it on?

Girl 1 then went on to list everything she had bought.

Girl1: And the best thing is that I only have to pay back £5 a month.
Girl2: Wow that's really affordable.

At that point I came out of the cubicle and tried to explain to the first girl that by paying it off at only £5 a month she would never pay it back.
I explained about interest and how the payments she was making would never clear her debt.

"But why would they only ask for £5 back a month if I couldn't pay that off. I think your making it up."

I guess she's still in debt now.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Wed 22 Jul 2009, 9:10, 11 replies)

Give me my money
Rang up a bank yesterday, asked for a settlement on one of my endowment policies (we switched to repayment two years ago and interest on it is now 0.99%). "Are you sure" they asked "you stand to make a loss, but if you keep it in for another 10 years you could double it"
"No i'd like a settlement"
"Right so you paid in £2x,xxx, but you'll only get £19,xxx if you cash it in"
"Splendid, send me the forms"
"Are you sure, you've made a loss"
[thinks: Yes but I don't have to pay capital gains tax]
"I'm sure"
[thinks: I understand the concept of Net Present Value]
"Have you considered not cashing it in but instead transfering it to some over vehicle"
"I have considered that"
[thinks: right now the best investment I can make is sending my kids to private school and this should pay the fees for a couple of years, besides the grandparents have set up a trust fund to pay for university in the form of a house each to rent out]
"...."
"I'll pass you on to closure
"...."
"funds will arrive in your bank account 7-10 days after receipt of the signed form" Mr Closure said. "I'll send out the forms"
"Great" I said, "could you send a miss-selling form too, or do I get that from the FSA?"

Now you tell me just how the credit crunch is affecting people in the UK? Trailer trash midwesterns perhaps, but as far as I can see it's had absolutely no effect on the vast majority of people here, quite the opposite. Can't get a plumber, can't get an electrician, can't get a decorator till at least september, the poor guys are rushed off their feet and quoting high just to try and stem the demand.

Lovely people bankers, well their customer service people are anyway.

Mind you I'm not looking forward to paying 70% tax come 2012.
( buffet_the_appetite_slayer ٩(●̮̃•)۶ jacked in to the ICE on, Wed 22 Jul 2009, 9:09, 3 replies)

I keep getting phone calls
from those companies that can consolidate all your loans.
The conversation goes like this.

Company : Would you like to consolidate all your debts.
Me: I don't have any debts.
Company: What about your loans, credit cards and store cards.
Me: I don't have any debts.
Company: What about your overdraft
Me: I don't have any debts.
Company: You don't have any debts?
Me: No, none.
Company: Oh

They always sound confused at the end, I don't think they can cope with the idea of someone having no debts.

It's not strictly true - I do have a mortgage and a loan for the car.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Wed 22 Jul 2009, 9:03, 7 replies)

I had a credit card when I was 18, very handy when your on a YTS scheme earning £35 a week
After about a month it was predictably maxed out and then i struggled to make the repayments.
I phoned the customer service line to explain I wouldn't be able to make the monthly payment. To be honest they were really helpful and understanding but I will never forget what the Girl said to me:-

"Remember son, It's a credit limit, not a credit target"
( Gooch Is neither here nor there, Wed 22 Jul 2009, 8:59, 1 reply)

Just got off the Phone to the Abbey
Wanted to go back to a repayment mortgage from interest only.
After the very nice lady got the info she needed and then tried to sell me several other 'products' she then closed the call by asking; "Is there anything else I can do for you while I'm on?"
A little too much information I felt.....
(conanow, Wed 22 Jul 2009, 8:53, 1 reply)

Right, I had some stuff happen
the consequences were hilarious

won't someone be my friend?
( broadsword w⚓, Wed 22 Jul 2009, 5:31, 9 replies)