Read a scholarly article about a real masturbation disaster in a medical journal at university a few years ago
A bloke researched a 'constriction device' on the internet. He built a sort of low oblong tent, big enough to lie in, all sealed airtight and with an internal frame made of plumbing pipes.

The pipes had holes drilled in them at intervals and one pipe led off to the Hoover tube. The bloke climbed inside, reached his hand out and pulled the Hoover plug inside along with an extension socket.

Then he plugged in the Hoover and all the air was sucked out of the tent, and he suffocated. His teenage son found him that afternoon on the lounge floor, Hoover still running.

The various doctors who turned up to inspect the scene (word travels fast!) took bets on how long it would take for the tent to empty of air. Three minutes? Two minutes? One minute? They set up the apparatus again to try it. turned out that it would have taken less than a minute for the man's chest to be fatally constriced and his hand to be pressed onto the plug so he couldn't release it.

This is true. There were other wank-disaster stories too but this one sticks in the mind - there was a photo, for a start.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 17:57, Reply)

LAST!
Well, probably not, now that I've posted this, but what the hell...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 24 Feb 2011, 17:51, Reply)

vote you cunts!
b3ta.com/board/10346692
(sanguine badger spirits in the room tickle you like a sneaky prawn, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 17:20, Reply)

As we're all still here have a repost
A female friend of mine had some kind of funghal infection in her ladybits and the doctor had told her the best way to deal with it was to apply natural yoghurt. Said ladyfriend started off dribbling a teaspoonful in, then a dessert-spoonful with some light rubbing, then a cupful massaged in, you get the idea. She found it was a very pleasurable sensation and even after her infection was cured would regularly pleasure herself with a carton of yoghurt.

So having told me this while being, ahem, intimate, she suggested we should try sex with yoghurt as a lubricant. I couldn't think of a reason not too, so she liberally applied yoghurt to her parts and I plunged in. And yes, not at all unpleasant.

But there are some disadvantages:
- never fall asleep after sex with yoghurt all over you. It stinks.
- never have yoghurt sex when it's very hot. It goes all lumpy and looks like puke.
- never have yoghurt sex if you're very hairy. You can't wash it out and your genitals will smell like a dairy for days if not weeks.
- never give oral sex to someone who's got a hairy minge and has been wanking with yoghurt the whole summer.
(Smale is stuffed, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 17:17, 2 replies)

in a bid to find
Ever more inventive ways to get off as a teenager, I once wanked onto an electric fence. The current was more than I expected and it made the second contraction so strong as the muscles went into electrified spasm, I went off like a bottle rocket, propelling me across the field and I ended up on top of the farmer's daughter who was in the barn frigging herself stupid at the time.
but, every cloud and all that
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 16:59, 6 replies)

What the fuck is going on?
Is Rob wanking? Is that why we still have this question?
( @><|= w0nu!) or cunt to my friends, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 16:52, 2 replies)

Well this didn't go too well for the captain...
www.koh-antique.com/shipwreck/nk.html
( SteamedCleaner, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 16:49, Reply)

Late late entry
The story below just reminded me that I once left a rolled up copy of The Sun that had been thoroughly dipped in my warm bath water and then liberally covered in soap in the communal bathroom at my Uni halls.

How the fuck I forgot about that all week I have no idea. I think i must have blocked it from my memory to cover the cringing shame I am now currently feeling again.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 16:23, Reply)

Ridged for your pleasure
The first time I met the woman who would eventually become my wife she was introduced as 'Pan handle': a nickname received because of her close relationship with a detachable handle from a camping pan. Not sure if it's a disaster, but being referred to by your favourite wanking instrument is a little demeaning.
(Smale is stuffed, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:59, 3 replies)

And from a real perv...
I don't even use my hands to wank. Instead, I like to vigorously insert my todger in and out of ladies' growlers until I splooge.

Don't knock it 'til you've tried it.
(King Nightmare, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 15:36, 2 replies)

your mum
Woke up whilst I was wanking over her face and hair after sneaking into her room one night.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 14:50, 4 replies)

Oh no you don't!
Some time ago when I was at Uni (as a mature student after leaving the army) I decided to cheer up an old army buddy who was still on ops in Bosnia by sending him a box of goodies. This would include sweeties, books, pens, toys, absolutely anything that would relieve the boredom and produce a smile.
So being a decent chap I included an up to date jazz mag as well. Nice, huh?
Not so fast. It's not going to be that easy.
I got a roll of black stickers, and proceeded to put a sticker over each and every Naughty Bit in the mag. It took awhile, especially as I had to really push down hard to get the little beggers to stick well.

I can still imagine his reaction to this day.
(SpangoTheWonderBadger is brewing beer, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 14:32, 3 replies)

Friend of mine, married, kept her Rabbit securely wrapped in a carrier bag in her bedroom bin
in case her other half saw it.

It happened to be a Clintons Cards bag so now when she goes in there to buy a birthday card she'll spot one of those orange and white bags and get all, y'know, unsettled.

I've told her, try Moonpig. At least you can do it in the privacy of your own bedroom.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 14:20, Reply)