I stole this one
A quote from the mighty Mr Bill Hicks:

"Why are you frowning? You know you use more muscles to frown than you do to smile?"

"Yeah? Well you used more muscles to point that out than you would have done if you'd left me alone"
(fried gold, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 17:29, Reply)

Silly Dorris's...
I remember one time seeing some nice girls down the pub after a few too many brews...I thought I'd go and talk to one of them.

They thought they were good because they know the lame comebacks to my chat ups...but that ain't the end of it...

I go the first girl as her 2 other friends are talking to each other, she's stairing into space.

Me: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Me: Probably because you will be on your knees gobblin' on my cock.

She left with shock almighty on her face throwing an empty glass of half and ice cube on me...fair enough, didn't get wet at all...

I turn to her friend who is now wondering what's the hell is going on...

Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Me: So that's how you got that little moustache.

I think it was the cue for me to leave...

cheers
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 17:28, Reply)

*place witty subject heading here*
I was on a course and all through it the tutor kept going on about the football team he supported. So much so that he made it part of the course. One part was the question 'why should i support a rival team'.

HIM: Anyone think of any pro's?
ME: They're better than the shite one you support.

Dunno if this is true, i hate football, but judging by the laughs it was.

He also, luckily, found it funny.
(Mogg Questioned her own sanity on, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 17:20, Reply)

best comebacks
When someone walks into a room and farts just to piss you off, a speedy reply of 'Oh God it stinks of cum in hear now' normaly fucks 'em right off.
(Lexicon3000, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 17:18, Reply)

Taxi bastard and my all time favourite
I was trying to flag down a taxi after a night out with my girlfriend. We only live a couple of miles from town but at this point my girlfriend had her ankle in plaster and couldn't manage the walk home. Having stood just short of the main traffic lights (the best place to get one as they have to slow down/stop anyway) for five minutes we finally got one to stop. This fat, greasy f**ker leans over, winds down the passenger window and asks us where we're going. I tell him and he snorts "You can walk there you lazy f**kers. F**k off!" and screeches off. However, in the time it's taken him to fire off his witty insult the lights have changed so I just stroll casually down to where he's stopped at the lights, whip the old boy out and piss all over his car. I even managed to get some through the still-open passenger window and over him as he hurriedly wound it up.

My favourite though is Paul Calf misquoting the "You've got shit on your shoes and I'm the shoe-shine boy" line from 'Missing In Action 2' when he gets into a fight after someone accuses him of being drunk. He staggers up to them and, right into their face, drunkenly delivers "You've got shitty shoes on yer shitty-shoed bastard!"
(R. Jimlad twitter.com/sirmarkymark, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 17:14, Reply)

smoking advice
I don't have many, but

I had just stepped into an elevator after a smoke break. An older man was also in the elevator.
Older man: You know dear that smoking is a health hazard.
Me: So is giving unsolicitered advice to strangers.

*cue much evil glaring*
(Yarbo, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 17:13, Reply)

oh the wit!
1. 'Ha Ha your fat' 'yeah cos everytime I fuck your mum she makes me a sandwich'

2. the standard re-comeback to that being 'lets get off mums cos ive just got off yours'

'Shut it cunt' always seems to work well
( bigmeuprudeboy is using powerpoint or paint...have MERCY, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 17:06, Reply)

In a your mom / your family insult comp my replies that won were
your moms nowt but a glorified ice cube with a hole in it....

your sisters a crap shag your mum was better... that won but to be fair I had shagged his sister! Loved the really worried expression on his face as he began to suspect I'd had his ma!




*I had and she was better than the sister :)*
(Mr Smuts, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 16:58, Reply)

Hurrah for wit!
In one Science lesson, our teacher asked some of us to get into a line, so he could demonstrate starch going through the digestive system. He could have just eaten a potato and then cut himself open, but, whatever. anyway, I was one of the people up there. We were in a line, side by side. One person, who doesn't like me (so I shall call him Conko), was sandwiched between me and a person he likes (who I shall call Higgins). To put it in diagram form:

guy - guy - Higgins - Conko - Me - guy - guy

We were asked to link hands. Conko replied rather loudly (as is his style) "I'm not 'olding 'ands wif 'im!" referring to me. I muttered, just so only he could hear, "But you'd readily hold hands with Higgins, right?" The best he could retort was to splutter "WHAT?" to which I casually said "Nothing." I got away with it!
(00tinytim00, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 16:51, Reply)

To end any situation....
"STOP SHOWING OFF!" This is all great till you use it too often and people do it to you first. Then you are purely destroyed.
( studlywonder, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 16:50, Reply)

Maybe u had to be there, but
in Chemistry only 2 days ago i was trying to have a quick nap when one of my friends starting insulting me randomly. Me, being semi comatose, replied "u smell like butt" (dont ask why). His comeback was "ercups" (buttercups duh), but only after my other friend had said munch. My first friend now aparently smelled of Buttmunchercups. Maybe you had to be there, but it sounded hilarious.

Also, one of my really thick 'friends' decided to start a conversation by saying "do you know anyones mum whos really hot?" to which i replied "yours!" He nearly killed me, but it was the most fun thing i'd done in ages.
(Graz Da Frog, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 16:49, Reply)

In the corner shop
last week the owner was arguing with some pissed up twat, the guy goes to leave and says "fuck you", owner replies simply "fuck you 10 times". Pure class. The pissed guy left without saying anything else, I think basically because the only thing you could say would be "fuck you 100 times", which would sound shit.
(mr pete, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 16:45, Reply)

security guard twat
While picking up a couple of cases of beer at about 2am a while back, a wanker of a security guard stared at me for a while then as I was leaving said "hey nice pants" (I was wearing bright orange pants at the time... I was heading off to a dress up party)At 2am i couldnt be assed with his shite so replied "yeah nice career"
(cask_wine_king, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 16:45, Reply)

If people get on my nerves
I say
cock smoker
or die face down in a pool of your own liquid shit, or Student or If you were half the man your mother was, and if you get someone who says that there mum is dead i just say well I guess why she didnt move much last night.
(stefd I HAVE RETURNED ..... And i brought cake, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 16:44, Reply)

Heh heh
When one of my friends was being particually bitchy tome, trying to out insult me in front of senior art college students, Instead onf picking on the obvious, the fact shes under 5 foot and her shoulder is my portable arm rest, Playing Conkers bad furday too much made say

"Were your parents related, like, before they were married?"

Stan the man laughed till he cried, and even though she didnt get it at first, she left defeated :P
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 16:41, Reply)

2 here..
.I was walking about round Belfast(aka Chav Central)when this chav shouted over 'Get yer tits out" to which I shouted "Why, yours are bigger!" Never seen a chav's pride go from 100 to 1 in 3 seconds...
.Was waiting for a bus when my ex toddled over. My mate Saz thought "Oooo, great, lets taunt Anna!" and says loudly "Anna, lets talk about you and Kirk (ex)!"
"I have a better idea Saz, lets talk about oyu and ah, no one!" We don't talk any more....
(Chiligrrl WHERE'S MAH DUBLOONS, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 16:34, Reply)

not me, but a girl at school
late for class one day, the teacher said "don't you know it's common courtesy to apologise for being late?"
to which she replied "actually, I'm not common"

brilliant (and I got to see her bra once!)
(spiggy, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 16:28, Reply)

Quite simply
My mate and his girlfriend were telling me that him and his girlfriend won a competetion for a weekend in Paris I looked them both square in the eye and went "bothered"
(Joons, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 16:20, Reply)

Cops
After a night out at the union and then a curry afterwards, me and a couple of mates were walking home through the city centre of wolverhampton at about 3am. a cop car stopped and asked what we were up to. i took umbrage at this since there were other people milling about home as it wasn't that late (i was young then) and we weren't doing anything suspicious so i replied 'we've just murdered that girl and we're off home now'. somehow, i didn't spend a night in a cell. they called me a smart arse and let us go on our way.
(wattoo, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 16:17, Reply)

2 for the price of 1
Both work related.

1) Them: "You know, sarcasm is the lowest form of wit."
Me: "Yes, but Oscar Wilde was being sarcastic when he said it."

2) 'Her' is a colleague that was, when I joined, a little bit bitter that I could do a job in 1 month that she hadn't worked out in 6.
Her: "According to this file you haven't initialled this task to say you've done it."
Me: *Glance inside file* "That's because it hasn't been done."
Her: "Well why not..." *cue generic whining about time-limits and targets*
Me: *Looks more closely at the file* "Well if you'd read the task properly you'd notice that it was requested about 2 months before I even started working here." *Said loudly enough for the rest of the office to hear*

We didn't talk much after that, and I still only say hello to be polite.
(minister of heresy, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 16:13, Reply)

Smoking
I often get harassed for being a smoker. However, when being told by some particularly interfering old biddy that 'smoking will kill you!'my mate happily told her that 'Non-smokers die every day to!'.
( Fetid Cheese, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 16:13, Reply)

Camp
My father was taking part in a drama festival a number of years back. The judge announced to a hushed audience that my father would have won the award for best actor were it not for the fact that his portrayal of a slightly camp gay man 'seemed a bit too close to his real character.' To which my father shouted out, in broadest Yorkshire tones, 'You bring your wife over here and I'll show you who's bloody gay!'
( numberbruncher - correct by nature, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 16:10, Reply)

Not quite a comeback to an insult, but anyway...
I was absolutely shitfaced on a night out with a girlfriend and some friends. Anyway, I was sprawled out on a chair barely able to move and pretty much oblivious to everything, while my girlfriend was having a conversation with one of my friends. At some stage I reached up and , accidently I hasten to add, knocked over a pint of Guinness, covering my girlfriend.

"You just spilt a pint of beer over me, you bastard!" she screamed.

"Actually," said I, "it was stout".

Quite a bit of apologizing to do in the morning.
(nakedbiblereadingman, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 16:05, Reply)

I've always been quite fond of the old playground classic
"Twinkle, twinkle little star. What you say is what you are"

Or was it just my school?
( Thy Maker Sigs are rubbish, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 16:03, Reply)

A nice little insult I happened to come by...
"It seems to me that you're suffering a classic case of cranio-rectal inversion."

In other words, you're talking out your arse. Unfortunately, those that I've tried it on didn't have the intelligence to work out for themselves what it meant. I decided to give it up...
(Dyslexic Pidgeon, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 16:00, Reply)

To anyone who asks me 'Do you mind if i smoke?'
I always reply 'I don't mind if you burst into flames'
:)
( Clairebare Back once again with the Ill behaviour, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 15:59, Reply)

Drunk and Disorderly on the M1
A good mate of mine got in a complete state whilst at uni. and found himself wandering down the side of the M1 in the early hours with a pint glass in hand. Of course the old bill turned up and asked:

"Why shouldn't we arrest you for being drunk and disorderly ?"

- "Er.. because I'm only being drunk and lost"
Cheeky swine managed to get a lift home too.
(DrGonzo, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 15:57, Reply)