Friend's Deliverance bro
Not my family but the big brother of my friend X was spectacularly and inventively violent. They're not close now...

He once tied feathers around nails so he could shoot them from his air pistol. He then called X into his room saying "I want to show you something." X opened the door to see his sibling aiming the air pistol at his head. He quickly shut the door and watched as the point of a nail suddenly appeared through the wood. At eye height.

X still has a scar from the time his brother made a bow and arrow out of wood. He then fashioned points out of bits of copper and went on an X-hunt. This was made easier because X's brother also used to oil the doors in their house so "the wee man can't hear me coming to get him".
( calgacus Non sum qualis eram bonae sub regno Cynarae, Fri 14 Jan 2005, 15:11, Reply)

AUNT MARJ, SHE SO LARGE
My aunt marjorie-in her early thirties, I belive, lives in a room in her parents's basement, this being my Grandparent's house. Anyway, she is an incredible bitch who insists on forcing her opinions on people, and parents my cousins when their real parents aren't around. She also has refused to directly speak with me for a few years, which is fine. Aunt Marj, I assume, has a job working with kids, like a professional babysitter-which is terrible news for children because when she babysat me in my days of childhood, she was completely rotten to me and refused to take me to the beach because I didn't eat my bread crusts. Scary lady, isn't she? You don't know the half of it. Aunt Marj also happens to weigh about 300 pounds and has a beard. A BEARD. THATS NOT A TURTLE NECK-NO, NO, NO! Its always there, taunting me, I have to control my screaming urges, and not yell, "YOU HAVE A BEARD!" She just lets it grow. To SPITE me.
(Arctix, Fri 14 Jan 2005, 14:17, Reply)

Legless
Are you sure you once said that to your wife? Positive? Honestly?

Wow, that must have been you who began circulating that joke by email then. Nice one.
(Ian Maiden, Fri 14 Jan 2005, 14:04, Reply)

Mistafeesh
Distrubingly you look like you are standing infront of a hospital curtain....
(cupc@ke, Fri 14 Jan 2005, 13:53, Reply)

Me or My whole family
I'm probably the black sheep of the family, as i dont speak any of them.

My dad remarried when i was 6 to his secretary who was 16 years younger than him and a complete bitch. I've kinda learned to forget most of my childhood as it was completely shit, the best moments were going to school. The worst was probably having a carving knife held to my throat by my oh-so-lovely bitch queen from hell stepmother.

Anyway i got kicked out at 17 when i punched the bitch, i look back now and wonder why it took me so long

Havent spoken to my dad in 8 years and still cant be bothered
(loquis, Fri 14 Jan 2005, 13:49, Reply)

Bloody hell Casio+
How on earth did you fail drink and drugs?

They've never failed me...

/looks around sheepishly
( Udderbelly A tale of four titties, Fri 14 Jan 2005, 13:05, Reply)

My brother in law and my pornstar cousin
My brother in law beat my sister and threatend her with knives. So less a black sheep and more a likely candidate to go missing indefinately if he comes back from Oz!


Oh, and my cousin does solo and girl on girl porn. We just say shes a model.
( The Sisko I hate the whole world, Fri 14 Jan 2005, 12:51, Reply)

Hey, where's apeloverage?

Shouldn't he have popped up by now to berate us all for the term "black sheep"?

My Uncle lies. He told us: he has cancer; his wife has AIDS; his wife has to have a heart & lung transplant; his daughter was raped; his daughter has MS; his daughter had a degree in accounting when she was eighteen.

All lies. Also, his wife looks like a very fat man in drag and his daughter (my step-cousin) is so stupid, she made all the people referred to on the last QOTW seem comparable to Einstein.

Since my Mum (his sister) developed cancer for real seven years ago, he hasn't once called her to ask how she is. I hope I see him again one day. He's due a hefty kick in the bollocks.
Or you could do for me - next time you're introduced to some one called Alan Humphreys, give him a good kicking. It's probably him.

Thanks ever so.
( thealternativefact, Fri 14 Jan 2005, 12:29, Reply)

Baaaa
I got caught smoking pot.
Then they found out my teacher had done my A levels for me.
Then I fought a photographer outside a nightclub.
Next I claimed I had a bad knee and would have to delay joining the military, and subsequently went skiing on my 'bad knee'.
And just to top it all, I got caught wearing a Nazi uniform at a fancy dress party, whilst my gran's off to Auschwitz in 2 weeks to lead a commemoration.
Silly me. Baaaaa.
( notshiny, Fri 14 Jan 2005, 12:15, Reply)

My grandmothers uncle
left monaghan, went to belfast, joined the UVF (it was almost a respectable orginisation in those days).
Then the WWI started and the UVF joined the regular army, so he went to canada and joined the mounties.
A couple of years later Canada joined the war and he was sent to the trenches in France.
So he shot himself in the foot and due do "administrative error" got a death certificate.
A few months later he was sent back to the front and was killed by a German machine gun.
and got another death certificate
( VampireMonkeyOnSpeed a super sexy sexual sex terrorist sex, Fri 14 Jan 2005, 12:08, Reply)

Nhhmmmm.
I have an uncle who's clinically paranoid and dumped my grandmother's ashes under a bush.

His son (my cousin) is a raging alcoholic.

I have a couple of other cousins, twins, who spent their entire teenage years in and out of rehab, mental homes, young offenders institutions, etc. They probably still are.

Their older brother is now their sister, after having a sex-change operation.

And me? Well my dad never forgave me for not becoming a brain surgeon as he wanted, and "going into computers" instead.

ed: ps - if any of my cousins are reading this, get in touch, i havent seen you for years!
( dr_fonz, Fri 14 Jan 2005, 11:45, Reply)

Not so much black sheep of the family as black member
My cousin has very dark skin and very curly hair. His parents are gingers with fair skin and freckles so is his brother. But no one seems to notice but me......
(It's Grim Up North, Fri 14 Jan 2005, 11:37, Reply)

Everyone on my father's side, including my father, is a black sheep.
I guess that makes me a gray sheep.

My father's brother is a womanizer.

My father's father beat his wife.

My father's mother stole money. A lot.

My father's sister is a stingy bitch.

Oh gawd.
(Roland Deschain, Fri 14 Jan 2005, 11:31, Reply)

I don't think my family has any white sheep
There's the one gran who lived in Iraq for a few years - Saddam actually took her out to dinner once.

Then there's the other one who lived in Paris. She had several husbands, and least one of which topped himself. She called him woofles. Apparently another one was capable of farting the national anthem. I hope that's the one I'm decended from. I can certainly fart pretty well...

Then there's my Mum who as a kid put a garden fork through her sisters foot, my uncle who had to go to hospital with crayons up his nose, my other uncle who wrote a gay environmental book called "world without trees", my aunt who terrified me by sleeping stark naked with no covers and her eyes wide open in the room next to me. My step-father who was a drunk psycho who landed me in care. My Dad who dropped acid with Timothy Leary in the 60's (but don't tell his wife) and paints wierd pictures in Hong Kong.

Yup, I come from fab stock me. Look:


(teasus likes tea, Fri 14 Jan 2005, 11:31, Reply)

Parmesan,
so your Mark Thatcher's nephew then?
(Doctor Evil, Fri 14 Jan 2005, 11:22, Reply)

Uncle Nick
We aren't allowed to talk to (or about) my Uncle Nick because he's been inside for armed robbery. He's my grandma's brother and still lives near her; sometimes when we're visiting her we see him at the shops or somewhere, and my grandma always hisses "there's Nick! Look the other way!" Consequently I have no idea what he even looks like! I would like to meet him though because apparently he has led a very exciting life, he used to be in a circus!
(SillyWilly, Fri 14 Jan 2005, 11:21, Reply)

Black Sheep? Black Flock!
I have an uncle who is an arms dealer.
Scumbag.

His brother abandoned his extended family on the orders of his wife. Weirdo.

My grandad is a racist and a prat. Fool.

Fortunately, I'm not actually related to any of them (their step-x). That makes me happy.
( Parmesan Quality b4 Quantity, Fri 14 Jan 2005, 11:15, Reply)

Some years ago
my brother was dating a young lady from an area of SE London where my parents were brought up and lived in the 1930's to 60's. (Yes, I am that old...)

This was mentioned to said young lady's parents who of course asked where they used to live. By a coincidence they had family that actually lived a few doors down from my Mum's family.

Upon mention of my Mum's brother's (i.e. my uncle's) name the conversation took a slight turn for the worse.

"Oh he used to go around with our name witheld", quoth GF's mother. "They got put inside for nicking a whisky lorry !"

It turns out this "Crime of the Century" was broken by the Met's finest by virtue of the fact that they'd made off with a load of Glenfiddich in the days when single malts were rarely seen south of the Scottish border and accordingly the contraband was impossible to shift in the SE London underworld.

Two years in Wandsworth each.
(Doctor Evil, Fri 14 Jan 2005, 10:58, Reply)

djtrialprice
At least I don't have a big girly haircut!*

Actually I do, but I'm a girl, so it's allowed.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 14 Jan 2005, 10:56, Reply)

Sister
b3th is right (our cousin's ned-like story is funny) but she also has a good claim to the black sheep of the family.

She's been to Babylon 5 and Terry Wogan conferences and reads Doctor Who books. We tend to keep quiet about her in general...
( djtrialprice, Fri 14 Jan 2005, 10:52, Reply)

Black sheep
Sadly, that would be me.
Although in my defense, I havent done anything in the "stole Grannies house from under her" league or ran a crack den.

I just somehow managed never to see/speak/contatct family (close and extended) or friends from one year to the next.
I miss funerals, weddings, aniversaries. I think in real terms this hurts them more than if I was working for some Bolivian drug lord.

Hmmm? Sad
( Fire & Forget it's the only way to be sure, Fri 14 Jan 2005, 10:24, Reply)

Cousin
djtrialprice and I have a cousin who has seven children by six different fathers. The only reason two of them have the same father is because they're twins. Seriously the chav of the family.

At the ripe old age of 34 she is about to become a grandmother - her 16 year old son has decided to follow in mummy's footsteps and has knocked up his 19 year old girlfriend.

hahahahahahahahha
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 14 Jan 2005, 10:16, Reply)

I'm The Black Sheep In The Village!
Due to marrying a fat,work-shy spoilt local girl. When we divorced (when she'd worked her way through the best part of £200K) the old bunch of "friends" we used to hang out with took her side and shun me. "Unclean! Unclean!"

Still, it has it's compensations. Since we divorced almost all of the rest of the village have welcomed me into their hearts as they couldn't stand the stuck-up bitch. Result!

I remember one conversation I had with my wife.. She was naked,looking in the bathroom mirror. "I'm fat, ugly and my hairs a mess " she wailed. "Give me a compliment"

I looked up - "At least your fucking eyesight's spot on.." I growled....
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 14 Jan 2005, 10:13, Reply)

One of my cousins...
...has, during our youth, constantly reminded me how much better he is and how great he is going to be. Spring forward to 2005: Me 30, MD of company 4 kids wife, house. Him: 31, Heroin problem, false teeth, no friends, whole family hate him for being such a loser, no job complete twat.... but obviously I am not one to gloat.
(dukefukem, Fri 14 Jan 2005, 9:57, Reply)

My Uncle Peter
moved to Zimbabwee about 35 years ago, and we haven't heard from him since. So if anyone knows a Peter Morton aged about 65, born in Belfast but now somewhere in Africa, PLEASE, don't get in touch, as we've spent all his part of my grannies inheritance.
( Wifey, Fri 14 Jan 2005, 9:50, Reply)

One of my cousins
spent all his money that was supposed to be for uni on random rubbish, meaning that he couldn't go and had to get a jorb in Dixons. He hasn't brushed his teeth for five years (bleurrgghh), and he is ten years my senior but still lives with his mum. Fool.
( Bob Todd whee, Fri 14 Jan 2005, 9:44, Reply)

stole
parents credit card and brought them a nice anniversary preesent.
still gotta love me.
(funkie, Fri 14 Jan 2005, 9:42, Reply)

The voices in my head
Because the last time I did listen they made me burn down my house and kill my mommy with a tent peg
(le renard, Fri 14 Jan 2005, 9:30, Reply)

Wish my family wasn't talking to me
I try really hard to be the black sheep, drop out of uni, spend ages unemployed, never phone anyone in my family, go to uni again only to drop out again, rack up moleste debts, but my family are always understanding and 'fine' with anything. What things can I do that'd be worse? If I killed someone they'd just say I'd been under alot of pressure.
( Theoban What of it, Fri 14 Jan 2005, 9:28, Reply)

I tend to be the black sheep of my family
failed exams, drink, drugs.

And then there's that fiaso with the geese. We don't talk about that.
( Calqhoon, Fri 14 Jan 2005, 9:21, Reply)