I thought a Rihanna song was very stupid and told everyone I worked with when it was on the radio
what kind of line is "under my own beretta" anyway...
( zulu eh?, Thu 30 Aug 2012, 14:51, 2 replies)

Don't know if this counts but I'm going to shoehorn it in anyway.
Is it a sign of ignorance of the consequences to name one's daughter "Thomasina Edith", as a friend of mine has just done?
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Thu 30 Aug 2012, 14:49, 31 replies)

There should be a separate US category of ignorance.
Where to start? From a very well educated, intelligent and eloquent American friend I worked alongside in Japan, nearly 20 years ago now.

1. He showed me a photo of his family on their farm. His father can be seen sitting on a yellow and green vehicle and he says, "Oh he's pop sitting on his John Deere" then he has to clarify: "you know, a 'tractor' [falters...looks sheepish and apologetic]...I'm sorry. You do know about tractors don't you? I don't know if you have mechanised agriculture in Europe.' [Note: not just England or the UK. No! Not one country in the whole of Europe has thought to drag a plough behind a machine rather than a horse or a cow in the 100 years of internal combustion!)

2. Same chap. There is a big park in Tokyo called Yoyogi park. He told everyone that it was named after Yogi bear, the American cartoon creation. I wonder who could have put that idea in his head?

3. Different American in Tokyo, a high school teacher. It was in the middle of US presidential elections. A group of expats are talking about who is going to win. The teacher asks another girl who she's going to vote for. Other girl explains that she's Canadian so won't be voting and carries on the conversation. But wait, this gets the back up of the high school teacher who launches into the, if-you-don't-vote-you're-a-disgrace-to-democracy argument. The Canadian stops her short and explains that, sorry, she is Canadian so won't be voting. To which the reply from said teacher: "But he's your president too!"

4. Different US bloke (first one nice, this one a twunt). Finished in top 10% of his Harvard law school. Just arrived in Japan and is having beginners Japanses lessons. He lives in a place called, for the sake of argument, Chiba, pronounced, CHEEBA. He pronounces it KEEBA. Expats native level Japanese speaker picks him up on it and correct him (attendant Japanese would not do that as it's too rude). No. He insists it is called KEEBA. Another polite suggestion that he checks with his teacher. We all know where he lives so there is no doubt about it. Nope. This guy has been in the country for 3 weeks now and so knows what's what so he collars a nearby Japanese chap and ask whether he lives in KEEBA or CHEEBA. Japanese chap says clearly that the place he lives in is pronounced CHEEBA. American tells the 40 year old, native Japanese chap (who is himself a Harvard graduate and fluent in several languages), "You're wrong. It's pronounced KEEBA. You're wrong."

5. Heard a radio snippet from US astronaut from the 1960s. He was recently doing a talk to US high school students and was introduced by the high school teacher as a veteran of World War Eleven.

6. Oh and the journalist who said that Stephen Hawking would not be alive today if he lived in England and had to rely on the NHS for treatment : www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/08/12/stephen-hawking-enters-us_n_257343.html
(Gusofnavarone always makes a map of france from sarnies, Thu 30 Aug 2012, 14:46, 12 replies)

Part-pearoast from 'Stupid Colleagues' last year...
I used to work with a guy who had a friend that thought that tea was coffee with milk in it.
The same guy also knew a girl who asked him 'is black people's cum black?'
These were both adults.
(Bocboy, Thu 30 Aug 2012, 14:42, 1 reply)

A pregnant work colleague asked if I want to feel her baby...
It seems that she meant externally.
( Muns, Thu 30 Aug 2012, 14:28, 3 replies)

Managed to convince a lass that Waitrose sold Chicken milk at the delicatesen.
She said she'd never seen chickens with tits.

"Duh! They're hid underneath the feathers"

"Oh right, of course!"
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Thu 30 Aug 2012, 14:12, Reply)

my wife used to chef in a local cafe/bistro type thing
...run by an italian/south african (tended more towards the stereotypical s'affrikan in his politics though...which when you think about it, aint all that far away from stereotypical or at least historical italian..).

Anyway. he has hee haw to do with the tale.

Which involved a bit of a golly of a waitress, asking mrs no if she knew how they got the anchovies into the jars so neatly - "do they just put a bit of food in the bottom and then shut the jar really quick?"

she never got an order wrong though to be fair...
(NoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNo, Thu 30 Aug 2012, 14:11, 8 replies)

My Mrs comes up with a few gems.
She once asked how cavemen used to avoid getting eaten by dinosaurs.

Another time, I was showing her Google maps. I put it on satelite view, and zoomed in on our house.

"Oh wow, that's really good. Go outside in the garden and wave at me!".
(username failed moderation, Thu 30 Aug 2012, 14:10, 1 reply)

People have said
she was playing up to it. I was never sure...

I once managed to convince her that the Equator was a real yellow line that ran round the world. "But how does it go over water?" she asked astutely. "It's special paint." "Really?!" she exclaimed in superb ignorance.

Additionally she believed that peas grew in tins and did not know that tuna was a fish. I cannot remember the details of other occasions of striking ignorance but they did occur very, very regularly.

I'm a teacher now and the 11-year-olds generally make a bit more sense than she did.
(cypherspace is not a toaster, Thu 30 Aug 2012, 13:53, Reply)

I thought the moderators of a popular humour-based website would appreciate it if I posted some jokes.
Man, did I get THAT one wrong.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 30 Aug 2012, 13:48, 20 replies)

I used to work with a couple of film critics.
They both had that sneering, nasal tone to their voices, and would read each other pieces of their own criticism they were writing, and laugh together in that sort of snorty way, "It doesn't so much slash through the shower curtain, as wallow in the bathtub! Haw haw haw haw!"

One morning I came in and we exchanged pleasantries. I told them I'd seen Nikita the night before. "What did you think?" they enquired.

"It was OK - not as good as The Assassain " I said.

One of them actually started coughing. I got a chubby at that.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 30 Aug 2012, 13:32, 1 reply)

'so yeah, this bulldog was attacked by a porcupine'
'what's a porcupine?'

'durrr, it lives in the SEA!!!!'
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Thu 30 Aug 2012, 13:28, Reply)

Marriage Boxes
(Slight repost)

My brother's getting married later this year. They've been planning the wedding for a few years. My brother is 6'4", his fiance is about 3'9".

I told his fiance that there are special 'marriage boxes' which are designed for the, uh, shorter lady, so that when there's that photo of their first married kiss, it doesn't look awkward. These are beautifully designed boxes which fit in with your marriage decor, etc.

She looked them up on Amazon- and there were none! "Oh dear, they must have sold out," said I, and offered to make her one with a shoebox and some acrylic paints.

She only realised she was being wound up a few months later, when I asked her if she wanted me to tape some decorated pringles tubes onto her shoes for the first dance...
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Thu 30 Aug 2012, 13:25, Reply)

Uni Housemates
Q: How do you cook pasta?
A: Boil it in water until it's soft.
Q: ...but I don't want it to be all watery!
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Thu 30 Aug 2012, 13:21, Reply)

That Nine Inch Nails Version of 'Hurt' is alright but the Cash original is WAY better.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 30 Aug 2012, 13:17, Reply)

Just a few weeks ago
I happened to be telling a friend how my youngest cat will only drink running water and won't touch the water in their bowl. She looked at me, horrified. "Are cats allowed to drink water? I thought you could only give them milk. Water is bad for them isn't it?"

I also discovered that that same friend believes that you should never give cats raw meat.
(Freakmandu, Thu 30 Aug 2012, 13:14, Reply)

"New Model Army just ripped off The Levellers."

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 30 Aug 2012, 13:14, 9 replies)

There's people here that reckon I never contribute to QOTW.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 30 Aug 2012, 13:09, 12 replies)

Conversation with an ex years ago
Her: 'Why don't you get a proper job instead of working in a supermarket'
Me: 'I'm trying to get a 'proper job', but I need to work in the meantime because I need money'
Her: 'Well still, why don't you move to London and then you'll have a better chance of getting a good job'
Me: 'Because I can't afford to live in London UNLESS I get a better job.'
Her: 'Well I haven't got a job and I live in London'
Me: 'Yes - but your dad BOUGHT you a flat'
Her: 'I don't see why that's relevant...'

Jesus wept...

Also, she kept badgering me to get a 'proper job', and her Mum was a professional alternative therapist.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 30 Aug 2012, 13:07, Reply)

Some people in Sweden would like a word with me.
Apparently the ignorant cunts think that having sex with someone who's asleep is 'rape'.
Imagine!
(DefinitelyNOTAmorousBadgerOhNo, Thu 30 Aug 2012, 13:07, 2 replies)

Hände Hoch, Englander
When I was at primary school, in the mid 70s, I went on holiday to Germany to visit relatives there. My school chums were horrified, because they all read Commando comics and knew what was going on. "Don't you know we're at war with Germany", they asked me.
(ubergeekian, Thu 30 Aug 2012, 13:02, Reply)

"Oh you're such a silly! Dinosaurs aren't real..."
"That's all just Computers.
They showed you how it was done last tuesday, "The making of walking with dinosaurs" they called it.

Well, if they're real where are they now then ?
Answer me that, you can't can you. See!"


And these people are allowed to breed...
( DukeEuphoria Comes highly reccomended, Thu 30 Aug 2012, 13:01, 3 replies)

I
used to work with a woman who believed Wombles were real. Apparently, they scurry about Wimbledon Common, collecting litter; they can't really speak ("That's just for the TV show"); and they're nocturnal.
(ccc, Thu 30 Aug 2012, 12:53, 10 replies)

I was talking
To an American online who honestly thought that we don't hold elections in the UK because the queen rules us all. The same gentleman also fervently believed that only Americans fought against Germany and Japan during world war 2.
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Thu 30 Aug 2012, 12:52, 3 replies)

I was chatting to a friend of a friend over cocktails
getting rather drunk, when she said that she's not a tory because Maggie Thatcher broke the unions, and unions are just standing up for the workers. I tried to explain how taking a look at unions in america will show how unions can go wrong, and added a few anecdotes of shop stewards here in the UK abusing personell records. One nice one was how I was chatting to a Unison organiser who told me that my profession could never have a union "because if you went on strike someone else could just do the work".

She started shouting "You're a fucking ignorant racist tory!", which confused me no end, as I had just told her how I was a libdem activist (this was pre-coalition) and that I agreed with her that Thatcher was an evil bint who screwed over millions of people.

Silly bint.
( Ungersven would support SpankyHanky's patreon, Thu 30 Aug 2012, 12:50, 1 reply)

A beloved relative of mine believed that the Olympic opening ceremony was being directed by Danny Dyer..
(anvil, Thu 30 Aug 2012, 12:50, 4 replies)

I once had to explain
that canals weren't just naturally straight rivers. Same person thought that:

- The World is exactly 2012 years old
- Gordon Brown was the last member of the SNP to be British PM ('Well, he's Scottish, so he wouldn't be a member of Labour')
- England invented the flag. No one else had flags before England. Everyone just copied the idea.
- The London Underground was built in the 80s. Before then, people had to get buses or walk, but it didn't matter so much because London was a quarter of it's present size (and there's absolutely no point saying it is from the 19th century as they didn't have trains back then)
- Paris is the UK's official second city
- Peter Andre is the UK's wealthiest man
- If a plane flew into a cloud too quickly, it would be like hitting a brick wall, which is why Concorde was dangerous
- it is illegal for an employer to sack any employee unless they have been convicted of a criminal offence
- John Lennon is the only surviving member of the Who (yes, you read that right)
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 30 Aug 2012, 12:45, 6 replies)

This
www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZP6B1FjvGi4
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 30 Aug 2012, 12:43, Reply)

FIRE!
I was once at a November 5th fireworks party, got called "An ignorant pig" by the local posh girl because I was fanning the bonfire with a board to stop it from going out. She ran indoors, and after much shouting in italics and bold font ("Can't you see he's trying to blow it out and spoil it for everybody?!") she got her equally posh father to come stomping down the garden to call me an ignorant pig as well.

By that time, the flames were already burning the branches off nearby trees.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 30 Aug 2012, 12:36, 3 replies)

Here is in no particular order my top 10
- Religion. Before science, OK, people needed a reason for why things happened. Now Creationists have to come up with "well God buried the dinosaurs to test our faith". WTF !!! If there is a God or Gods - where is the smiting, eh ?

- Pseudo-religious bullshit as in the dread phrase "put it out into the Universe and it will happen". Yeah, sure it will. I blame Noel Edmunds.

- Noel Edmunds and that dreadful pick a box programme. FFS there is no science involved ! It's chance, pure and simple ! See also - which lottery balls come out, which brings me onto...

- The National Lottery. It's a tax on poor bastards who use it as a way of dreaming that life will change. It won't. "If my numbers come up" - yes, well, carry on dreaming sucker, your money is just being used to provide services that should be state funded.

- Psychics. Should just be shot, every last fucking one of them, preying on poor credulous fools who haven't got "closure" after someone's died. They're dead, they can't talk to you any more.

- Homoeopathy. "Water has a memory". Fine, I'll just replace my SSD with a bowl of water then.

- "Lucky" numbers, colours, days and so forth, rabbit's feet, St Christopher medals and all the rest of it. Damn sure there are many such "lucky" emblems still attached to corpses on WW1 battlefields. It sure worked for them.

- The Daily Mail.

- Conspiracy theories. Apart from the Bilderberg group, these are all rubbish. Sure, the Americans are clever enough to bomb themselves and not a word of this ever got out.

- The "War on Terror". Sure, let's have a war AGAINST A FUCKING EMOTION. See also "The War on Drugs", another long-term 'war' that's really working well. Has no-one ever read George Orwell ?
(TheImmortalJenkins, Thu 30 Aug 2012, 12:33, 19 replies)