Not so long back,
I was having a wank and just as I tipped my filthy concrete, it came out quite slow and seemed extra gelatinous and reminded me somewhat of expanding foam when you release the trigger and some still oozes out.
But this just kept coming out, I noticed it had become fibrous before I realised I actually had a small length of twine down my hog's eye.
What the shuddering fuck? Back when I was a young teen when I would try anything to see if it got me off, did I shove some string down there for reasons unknown?

I began to pull on the string, there seemed to be more than I thought, a couple of centimetres turned into six inches which turned into a couple of feet before to my incredible, almost debilitating incredulity the string was attached to something red. I began pulling. It was what appeared to be a red hankie, but wait, it was knotted to a green hankie. I kept pulling; blue, yellow, red, orange. It went on. After a good dozen cock-snot trimmed handkerchiefs, and my hands covered in a web like lattice of man-silk, the coloured cloths were again bound something more stringlike.

This was confusing more than anything. My only conclusion was that I had a split personality and the Hyde to my Jekyll seemed to be a horrific and disturbing children's entertainer. Whoever was booking me to perform at somebody's 9th birthday party was clearly not right in the head.

I kept pulling, but there was some resistance. I pulled harder. Something was attached to the other end and was refusing to budge. I yanked really hard and I felt something enter the bottom of my urethra. I pulled hard and with imagery reminiscent of that scene in Total Recall where he removes that tracking device from his nose, out popped my testicles.

I collapsed to the floor in a pool of sweat. I couldn't get them back in, so my only recourse was make a small desk toy out of it. It's certainly a talking point in the office I can tell you.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 17 Jul 2013, 14:48, 16 replies)

CLANK.
Winner.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 17 Jul 2013, 15:05, closed)

... and then you fought Vader over an implausibly large hole?

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Wed 17 Jul 2013, 15:12, closed)

my testicles
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 17 Jul 2013, 15:51, closed)

Chuck Norris?

( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 17 Jul 2013, 16:02, closed)

You had me at "tipped my filthy concrete".

Click.
(anvil, Wed 17 Jul 2013, 16:52, closed)

This has made my dingle go all fat and hot and funny.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 17 Jul 2013, 17:18, closed)

Likin' this.

( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Wed 17 Jul 2013, 17:23, closed)

This has gotta be the one

(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Wed 17 Jul 2013, 17:29, closed)

Alright SLVA, have you still got that screencap of the man who's penis turned into a turnip?

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 17 Jul 2013, 18:45, closed)

I hope so.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 17 Jul 2013, 18:50, closed)

I might have.

( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 17 Jul 2013, 18:53, closed)

Link dat shit up, yo.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 17 Jul 2013, 19:04, closed)

Actually no,
I cannot find it anywhere.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 17 Jul 2013, 19:33, closed)

You fucking cunt. You're even worse than that fat Auusie bloke who's not having an online breakdown.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 17 Jul 2013, 19:49, closed)

No, AB.
No he's not.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Wed 17 Jul 2013, 22:39, closed)

Vanity:
definitely my favourite sin.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 18 Jul 2013, 10:18, closed)