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This is a question This book changed my life

The Goat writes, "Some books have made a huge impact on my life." It's true. It wasn't until the b3ta mods read the Flashman novels that we changed from mild-mannered computer operators into heavily-whiskered copulators, poltroons and all round bastards in a well-known cavalry regiment.

What books have changed the way you think, the way you live, or just gave you a rollicking good time?

Friendly hint: A bit of background rather than just a bunch of book titles would make your stories more readable

(, Thu 15 May 2008, 15:11)
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Allergies
In these days when almost everyone is whining about allergies to nuts or wheat, I was fascinated to read a book about a woman called Harriet Bzdura, the world's most allergic woman. Here is the first page of her book "Life - my Hideous Existence."

"You may have heard of me: I appeared on Swaffham Lunchtime News last month and there was a feature on me in "Toby Jug Collector" magazine in June 1999. I am the woman who is allergic to many different things. Some people cannot eat wheat, or meat, or nuts - but I am allergic to all foods. I survive by sucking a specially prepared solution made of amino acids and rainwater. If one atom of regular food passes my lips, I drop dead immediately. People ask me how I discovered this, and why I'm not dead from the first time I suckled my mother. I tell them that the condition came about as the result of a nasty shock I had back in 1984. I was at a Kajagoogoo concert and I almost choked on a Fab lollipop. My life flashed before my eyes and I wasn't able to eat from that point on - or I would die.

"But that's not all. I am also allergic to all manmade or natural fibres and therefore cannot wear clothes. I have to wear a suit of medieval armour made of titanium and at night I am suspended in a magnetic forcefield so that I don't touch anything. If this wasn't bad enough, I cannot bear the merest sound. If I hear so much as a piece of A4 paper fall to the ground, my eardrums will burst and gush blood until I die (I am also haemophiliac, by the way). As a result, I have to live on the inside of a 3-metre-thick stainless steel sphere buried one mile down in the earth's crust. I communicate with the surface by carrier pigeon, for I am not allergic to birds (although I cannot touch the paper with my bare hands or I will burst out in bubonic plague and surely die).

"Many people would be disheartened by such hardships, but I bear them with patience and humility. People ask me if I am a Christian and I have to answer "No, I am allergic to all the world's religions." It is quite true, for if I were to believe - even for a second - in Allah or God or the Dalai Lama, my uterus would explode. Naturally, I have no direct experience of this, but I think you'll agree that it's better to
be safe than sorry. So I am a nihilist. There was once a nasty close shave when I thought about Jesus and a huge spot appeared on my chin!

"For years I have wanted to reveal my plight on TV. Unfortunately I am allergic to all forms of light, so I find that TV audiences have
to use their imagination to some extent when the cameras silently enter my sphere and film me in complete blackness. I should also point out for the purposes of further publicity that I cannot expose
myself to any electrical devices. I have laboriously written this letter using potato prints on sheets of inert zinc. Then I strapped these sheets to my pigeon so my secretary could transcribe them. The first few times, the pigeon clattered fatally against the sides of the sphere and caused me intense agony, but finally I managed to release my letter.

"I'm exhausted now. You might think I can sleep, but, alas, if I should pass into the realms of Morpheus for even one moment, my limbs would shrivel and fall off. I have not slept since that fateful concert.
(, Fri 16 May 2008, 15:46, closed)
That poor woman
Frank, I hope she is grateful to you for sharing her plight, and that Bono or someone immediately arrange a concert to raise funds and awareness.

b3ta and Frank, saving the world Darwinian candidate at a time.
(, Fri 16 May 2008, 15:48, closed)
Kajagoogoo
have a way of doing that to people. I listened to one of their songs once and instantly became priapic. I only managed to overcome this hideous condition by forcing myself to watch "Fat Lesbians: 40+ Edition" on loop for three straight days.

The priapism was cured, but ever since then I have had the most hideous of nightmares every single night.
(, Fri 16 May 2008, 15:50, closed)
...
Tears of laughter.

That is all.
(, Fri 16 May 2008, 15:52, closed)
Another Classic
Frank - can you please post an extract from one of the books you are writing/written
(, Fri 16 May 2008, 15:53, closed)
^^Which part of your demented
subconcious do you dig this stuff up from?

*click*
(, Fri 16 May 2008, 15:55, closed)
*suspiciously*
you stole that from "Pick Me Up" magazine. I recognise the apostrophes.
(, Fri 16 May 2008, 15:55, closed)
KISS...POO
No.
(, Fri 16 May 2008, 15:56, closed)
pffft
*clicks

I'd hate to think what would happen if you didn't have QOTW to get this stuff out of your system
(, Fri 16 May 2008, 16:07, closed)
*Click*
Just for mentioning Kajagoogoo and the fact you'd heard of them.
(, Fri 16 May 2008, 19:13, closed)
Not true
I think this all may be fiction. I simply cannot bring myself to believe that anyone paid to see Kajagoogoo
(, Fri 16 May 2008, 23:03, closed)
i should be allergic to kajagoogoo
i had to share a room with a sister who stuck their posters all over the walls and ceilings.
i found the perfect antidote: life-sized freddy krueger poster on the back of the bedroom door.
(, Sat 17 May 2008, 10:54, closed)

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