"How to give a good blowjob, by Humpty"
Now... I penned this a years ago. It includes excellent advice such as...

"Years of evolution has given humans teeth. Some teeth are designed for tearing and cutting flesh. Bear this in mind when placing the sensitive member in your mouth".

and

"Trying to escape scratching teeth is NOT Thrusting"

Anyway. As the basics behind pleasuring a guy are so simple, and the rules on how NOT to hurt a winkie are so short and obvious, the pamphlet is annoyingly small. It makes little sense getting people to read it because if they can't work out and grasp the fundamentals for themselves, telling them is a waste of time.

So, I had the pamphlet bound into the front pages of a 500-page hard-back that I now keep at the head of the bed.

A swift clout with a 2Kg hard-back seems to knock the point home.... as it were.

I can truly say it has changed my life.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Wed 21 May 2008, 14:28, 57 replies)

But...
wouldn't the swift clout cause an involuntary biting movement?
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Wed 21 May 2008, 14:30, closed)

^Yeah
That's how it changed his life. His willy was bitten off.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 21 May 2008, 14:33, closed)

Nope.
Withdraw first... silly.

*reaches for the book*
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Wed 21 May 2008, 14:36, closed)

Personally speaking
the swift clout would ensure that

A) I would demonstrate how hard the human jaw can bite

AND

B) No more blow jobs - ever
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Wed 21 May 2008, 14:37, closed)

Still doesn't help if you have a very bad gag reflex.
I've been known to choke on my own saliva.
( girlinthehole, Wed 21 May 2008, 14:37, closed)

thats OK WW...
some people are beyond teaching anyway.

If they need a clout, then they're a lost cause i.e. can't give a worthwhile blowjob.

Having said that, I prefer to go down on lasses than recieve. Maybe that's because I've been so disapointed in the past.

RE: Gag-reflex... you don't need to go deep... you can use your hands on the rest*

*this is also in the pamphlet...
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Wed 21 May 2008, 14:39, closed)

Humpty
All I need is your address, and I'm there ...

Oh, and I can read maps and follow directions
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Wed 21 May 2008, 14:41, closed)

@Humpty
I hear gay men give good blow jobs.
( girlinthehole, Wed 21 May 2008, 14:41, closed)

Yeah, gay men do.
I heard.
Yep.
( Cawl, Wed 21 May 2008, 14:42, closed)

If I give you my address you'll come?
Sure thing..

Humpty
SE 21131 (Google-earth it)
Sweden

... was it good for you? ;o)
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Wed 21 May 2008, 14:42, closed)

@BGB
I wouldn't know: He didn't want to blow me after I'd had his arse.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Wed 21 May 2008, 14:43, closed)

I quite like giving...
Makes me feel all powerful, like.
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Wed 21 May 2008, 14:44, closed)

@Humpty
well, better than last Wednesday, anyway.
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Wed 21 May 2008, 14:45, closed)

ooh aye...
it's 15:48.... had better rush home!!
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Wed 21 May 2008, 14:48, closed)

The Lord says ....
Tis better to give than to receive.
( girlinthehole, Wed 21 May 2008, 14:52, closed)

Not being able to give a good blow job is the female equivalent of not being able to find the
clitoris.

Rare these days, in my opinion.

Honestly, there's not much to either of them - simply take note of what works well for your current partner.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 21 May 2008, 14:54, closed)

*frowns*
I've had some terrible ones.

You know it's bad when you'd rather go to sleep that see the job to conclusion.
( Cawl, Wed 21 May 2008, 14:56, closed)

@Kaol
So why didn't you give her instructions how to improve.
( girlinthehole, Wed 21 May 2008, 14:59, closed)

I did.
Repeatedly.

It was just a waste of my time.
Like trying to teach a corpse to play tennis.
( Cawl, Wed 21 May 2008, 15:00, closed)

@chickenlady
I disagree- the majority of women I've had make the attempt were not very good at it at all. But if a man tells them how to do it better they all get very upset and insecure- so we make do with what we get.

Thus far I've only known about four girls who gave a good blowjob. That's less than 10%.

If you're truly curious as to what makes a good blowjob, gaz me and I'll tell you. It's not terribly complicated or physically demanding, and doesn't require a lack of gag reflex if you know the techniques.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Wed 21 May 2008, 15:03, closed)

Kaol
were you by any chance teaching a corpse to perform fellatio?
(Bazongaloid, Wed 21 May 2008, 15:05, closed)

@ TRL...
1: I think you're gonna get quite a few gazzes now.

2: I think it depends on the guy, as Chickenlady said. Everyone likes it differently.
(Belgaer is, Wed 21 May 2008, 15:07, closed)

@ TRL
I've not had any complaints so far ;-)

And any woman that gets into a huff about being told how someone else likes it isn't going to be much good in bed anyway. Sex is all about communication...well, communication and whipped cream.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 21 May 2008, 15:10, closed)

We've all got to remember..
We can't all be good at everthing or else we'd all be porn stars. If you've found someone willing to try things and good at some things then your a lucky sod.
( girlinthehole, Wed 21 May 2008, 15:17, closed)

@ BGB
I thought pornstars were just good at crap acting and faking it? :)
(Belgaer is, Wed 21 May 2008, 15:21, closed)

^This is why I thought about becoming a porn star
Pin money is always a bonus.
( girlinthehole, Wed 21 May 2008, 15:24, closed)

Pin money?
Hellraiser porn?
( Cawl, Wed 21 May 2008, 15:26, closed)

Pin money!
Meaning

Originally a small allowance given to a woman in order to purchase clothes etc. for herself. More recently it is used to describe any small amount of money which might be earned by children or the low-paid for some service.
( girlinthehole, Wed 21 May 2008, 15:28, closed)

Ah...
An elderly-person phrase.
Out of use with the youth of today.

Or I've just never heard it...
( Cawl, Wed 21 May 2008, 15:33, closed)

Don't be mean Kaol
BGB is down wiv tha kidz, she's "with it", she's "hip", she knows "where its at" and she can "shake her moneymaker" with the best of them.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 21 May 2008, 15:34, closed)

Yup! an old person's saying.
I am an old person thus it's a phrase I know well.

Edit - I know when I'm being dissed Al.
( girlinthehole, Wed 21 May 2008, 15:34, closed)

Damnit!
I knew exactly what pin money was. I didn't for a minute think of it as antiquated.

Must be getting old.

*relights pipe and switches on Countdown*
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 21 May 2008, 15:38, closed)

Sorry BGB!
I'll buy you an extra big pint in august to make up for my mean words.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 21 May 2008, 15:39, closed)

An "extra big pint"?
Surely a pint is "pint-sized"?

I shall be drinking no pints at the bash.
( Cawl, Wed 21 May 2008, 15:41, closed)

Aahhh,
then it looks like you've not been to the pub in Islington that serves beer in two pint glasses. Thus being "extra big pints".

Yes I know that argument is fatally flawed I'm not looking for an actual debate, I was just apologising to BGB.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 21 May 2008, 15:47, closed)

I know there's nothing sadder .....
than a forty year old trying to still cling on to their youth and street cred but I like to think I maintain a balance of youthful vigour and humour with a sensible and serious outlook.

I never wear a skirt above my knees. Well, I never wear skirts really. My thoughts on peircings are less is more and there are bands around today that I've never heard of.


And I now only date men my own age.
( girlinthehole, Wed 21 May 2008, 15:47, closed)

^ yes, this
There are bands around today that I've never heard of, and they all seem to have names beginning with "The ".
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 21 May 2008, 15:48, closed)

^
And they're all rubbish
(Errorist, Wed 21 May 2008, 15:50, closed)

yeah
like "The Broken Family Band" who the feck are they?

only kidding, I quite like the one album of theirs I have heard
(Bazongaloid, Wed 21 May 2008, 15:51, closed)

Oi! Al!
No dissing TBFB. NO!
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 21 May 2008, 15:51, closed)

Even worse are the ones that shun 'The'
Like 'Editors' or 'Doves'
(Errorist, Wed 21 May 2008, 15:52, closed)

Oi!
The Cure and The Pixies...

*frowns at old people*
( Cawl, Wed 21 May 2008, 15:52, closed)

And there's always
The The.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 21 May 2008, 15:53, closed)

we mean NEW bands beginning "The ", Kaol
Not ones that we've all listened to since before you were born.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 21 May 2008, 15:53, closed)

@ Kaol
Yeah but they were around when bands were good.
(Errorist, Wed 21 May 2008, 15:54, closed)

I'll drop in
The Black Keys and blow your argument away, they are incredible. But all that crap stuff like The Strokes and The Bravery and The Hives. rubbish I tells ya, I remember when all this was fields.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 21 May 2008, 15:55, closed)

Well, good.
*sulks*

I've given up on new music, anyway.
I had to listen to Radio 1 the other day, never heard such a bunch of ear-faeces.
( Cawl, Wed 21 May 2008, 15:56, closed)

Last time I listened to Radio 1
they were playing songs by that band 'The Ting Tings'. What a complete load of bum wee. Possibly the most rubbish band I've heard since Keane.
(Errorist, Wed 21 May 2008, 16:00, closed)

It's fuckin' terrible.
Back when I was a lad...
( Cawl, Wed 21 May 2008, 16:02, closed)

@Kaol
what you mean, last year?
(Bazongaloid, Wed 21 May 2008, 16:04, closed)

Dammit
arguing with TheGoat has made me miss my wednesday wank time.

Bugger.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 21 May 2008, 16:07, closed)

Me too
Not the Goat, but stupid deadlined work.

I need a pennance from chcb.

As an aside, "Arguing with the goat" sounds like an excellent reference to masturbation.
( Cawl, Wed 21 May 2008, 16:10, closed)

that fucking Ting Tings song
makes me sick

if my band has any chance of going anyway we are going to have smash our brains out and then try and write some songs if that is anything to go by
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 21 May 2008, 16:29, closed)

Heh.
I had to listen to Radio 1 the other day, never heard such a bunch of ear-faeces

I sat here for a moment wondering what an ear-face was- someone with big wrinkles and a hole in the middle of their face? What would an ear-face sound like?

Then I realized I had fallen afoul again of British spelling.

Oh, and I like "arguing with the goat" as a euphemism for wanking. I think it needs to enter the lexicon.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Wed 21 May 2008, 21:38, closed)

I have NEVER listened to Radio 1.
Ever. Partly because my parents have a firm allegiance to Radio Wales, but also because it never appealed to me. I do catch the odd bit of Chris Moyles' songs and podcasts but the station itself is inconsistent and annoys me.

Virgin FTW!
( Maladicta, Wed 21 May 2008, 22:13, closed)

@TRL
"ear-face" is fantastic...
Not what I meant though, but you know that now.

@ Maladicta: I've just given up on the radio, they never play anything I want to listen to.
*burns a mix-cd*
( Cawl, Wed 21 May 2008, 23:02, closed)

@errorist
I know we've moved on, but, who doesn't like Doves? I'm not suggesting they are the best band in the universe, but i've never met anybody who disliked them on first hearing. There just doesn't seem to be anything dislikable about them.

As for Editors, pah.

edit/ I don't know how to give a good BJ, but I know how to receive one.
(Roopy all is not what it seams, Thu 22 May 2008, 0:23, closed)