Red Cheddar
Not one of my worst, but the one that still defies explanation. College night out, lotsa beer, double jimmy shooters and of course a good feed of tequilas.

My memory is fairly fuzzy after leaving the club, but I have a vague recollection of finding a large block of cheese wedged in between the bars on the window of a local pub. I of course, loving cheese, started nibbling on it while taking both sides of the road going home.

The next thing I remember is I am standing at the front door of one of my ex and least favourite landlords trying to wedge what was left of the cheese in through his letterbox. A light coming on from inside ended this endeavour so I legged it managing to hurdle the fence in the front garden and somehow getting home.

If it wasnt for the strings of half melted regurgitated cheese strung out between my bed and the toilet the next morning no one would have believed me.......
(howmuchisthedoggy, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 15:47, Reply)

my brother stayed over at some guys house after a session
got annihilated the night before, woke up in early hours and remembered a dream he'd had.

sometimes dreams seem to have an unnerving resemblance to reality.

this dream had that.

he got up and discovered that he had, in fact, taken a shit in his this guys baseball cap.

but this wasn't an ordinary shit. this was a shit fuelled by beer and pub food and quite possibly, knowing my brother, very very hard drugs.

the nasty brown substance was not soley confined to the baseball cap. it was on the floor. it was all over the bed he'd been sleeping on, it was on his own clothes and worstly it was on his own body.

so what did he do?

why he did what you would do. he stole some clothes and slipped out of the house in the thick of the night and never saw his 'mate' again.
( Mortal Wombatteries not included - Awesome Awesome Awesome, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 15:44, Reply)

Ouch
Managed to fall out of a building whilst horriffically intoxicated a few years back whilst skiing (not skiing at the time I might add). Would have been ok if it wasn't the 4th floor, or if there was snow on the ground. Managed to hit my head on the balcony below so don't really remember it too well. Didn't break a thing, only tore ligaments in my arm, neck and back - And I had no holiday insurance (the normal thing to do if you go skiing)
Also managed to get arrested whilst being out of my box in La one evening - But thats another story....
( -:Coop:-, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 15:44, Reply)

Erm...
Well, I think my penchant for stripping probably causes some regrets come morning time. More specifically, I think the worst has to be walking home from a restaurant after a birthday meal for my mum, it didn't agree with me and I ended up with shit dribbling down my legs. Trying to get home without any passers by noticing was interesting, especially as I was in a short skirt, not to mention masking the horrific smell. I'm sure my mum appreciated washing all my shitty clothes when I got home :)
( useful_idiot, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 15:33, Reply)

Just say no....
A few years ago I was away with some work people in a large northern town, that may or may not have been Liverpool, and were staying in a large, posh hotel that may or may not have been the Adelphi.

Some clever fool had decided that we should take some pills to go with the cocktail of weed & whisky to help aid enjoyment. After starting off with a half. I decided to have another half. Then another. And Another. After chucking out time we went back to the hotel and decided to get room service to send up drinks. And more drinks. This was combined with yet more weed and cheese toasties. Oh. The cheese toasties. We were so mashed that we didn't notice them. This prompted a deeply irate phonecall to room service, who politley pointed out that the toasties had been delivered two hours previously. My colleage spent 3/4 hour on the phone insisting that he was very important (we weren't) and that they'd be hearing from his lawyer. Me. He grabbed me of the TV, which I was licking furiously as there was a Britney Spears video on it. This lawyer/client thing two & froed. Until we got bored and wanted champagne. This wasn't forthcoming. More weed happened. My colleague stripped half naked, declared his undying love for me & started trying to convert me to man love. Shocked fuck offs resulted in his starting to cry. Aww.

I passed out.

I awoke to find my unnamed colleague gone. his mobile phone & all his clothes were in a neatish pile. I went back to sleep.

Three hours later he still hadn't returned. I kinda assumed he must of wandered off & passed out, so I called the other people we were in town with and went on a search. Check out time came & went. No sign of him. Anywhere. We reached the stage where we were getting into teh car to travel back to Southampton without him. We had come to the conclusion that he must have been arrested or died but he wasn't in any of the police stations or hospitals we called.

Just as we were driving off one of had a call from our sheepish friend. He was in reception wearing only his pants and faint gurn. He'd broken into another room & passed out, and amazingly wasn't too happy that we were leaving.

Apologies for length (phnar phnar). Still amuses me no end, though.
(Lord of the Pies, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 15:33, Reply)

I dont do leaving do's...
Some time ago I went to a guys leaving do (no problem there). Got very very drunk (no problem there either). Told him his wife was fit. Spent the evening snogging her and dancing with her. Me being a girlie this went down great with him but I forgot about the rest of my colleagues which were in the pub with us at the time. Oh dear.

Never again...
( Derek.T.Wonderllama, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 15:22, Reply)

St Pats, last wednesday
Me and one of my housemates went out in Newcastle about 2 in the afternoon, we were aiming (rather enthusiastically) at 4 hats but ended up with 3 (still impressive I feel). Woke up Thursday morning feeling awful to see my room FULL of Guinness stuff. I have a 20 foot long guinness/st pats day banner, a roll of st pats ticker tape, about 40 feet of it (I recall NOTHING about either of these), enough st pats day posters to cover a reasonably sized room and 3 guinness hats. Also some of those cardboard guinness cups they had everywhere.

I'm also told I went to a club after my Guinness escapade wearing the shittest jeans and T-shirt you have ever seen. I have no idea how I got in. Even more amazing is the fact that I pulled, she was a minger apparently (like I expected anything else!) and I refused to go home with her as "she was on her period, so there was no point".

God knows how I knew that, but it explains the sore Jaw the next day!
(Super Oaf Petit filous?, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 15:14, Reply)

I'm surprised no-one has B3ta bash-related ones
I attended the first b3ta bash at the Jorene Celeste, and it was a fun evening! But I had neglected to eat anything for the entire day, with the exception of a weedy Cheese sandwich at lunchtime. I knew the Celese well, and was intending on popping over to the McDonalds close by after a couple of pints.

That never happened. The b3tans there were lovely. Come closing time I was about 7 Stellas and 6 double JD&Coke up. This in itself was OK. Wandered out of the pub with a couple of lovely people and onto the Northern Line. I was on autopilot and talking lots.

It wasn't until we pulled into East Finchley I realised I had gone the wrong direction; I lived South of the Thames, not North.

So I dashed out of the train and round to the other platform, only to be stopped by a bastard guard telling me the last train South had gone for the night. Bollocks.

I wandered around East Finchley a bit in search of a Kebab House, and phoned my girlfriend of the time to explain I'd be home a bit later than the 30 minutes I'd promised. After establishing that East Finchley was the most dead place in London, I set about finding a Bus Stop to get back to the centre of London intent on getting a Night bus home.

At this point, there is an intermission, during which time I assume I got on a bus and threw up. I have vague recollection of a puddle sloshing around by my feet, though I must have missed my jeans thankfully.

The next concrete memory I have is waking up with my face leaning against the metal bars surrounding roadworks. I'm sitting on an office chair with one of its wheels missing. And there are buses hurtling by about 2 feet behind me.

I fall off the chair, and roll over to see a large jutting thingy going off into the sky. "Aha, Trafalgar Square", I thought, and stumbled across to where my bus left from, only stopping to have a piss over a balcony on the way.

On the bus, I end up near the back at the top, with various lovely teenagers from Lewisham and Catford, who are smoking gear. I decide not to take part, but txt my girlfriend to let her know where I now was. One of the guys said he liked my phone, and wanted to know if I wanted to swap it with his very crappy broken one.

Strangely enough, I didn't. But I did fall asleep, and when I woke up, one of the nice gentlemen had his hand in my pocket trying to relieve me of my wallet. I'm still pissed as arseholes, so I can think of nothing more to do than to smile and say "Hello!". He goes, "Ah", and makes a break from the bus.

I eventually made it home at 5.30am, much to the relief of my Girlfriend. I crawl into bed, rudely awakened by the alarm clock reminding me I was off out on an all-day Stag do.

Needless to say, around this time I discovered they had indeed relinquished me of my phone, but had been stupid enough not to notice I was carrying a PDA and a Digital Camera as well with me.

I don't think I've ever thrown up so much in a 24 hour period. Turning up to a Stag Do with a hangover is not recommended!
Last one from me I think. Or people will think I'm a pisshead
(Glis, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 15:12, Reply)

Woke up in an animal experiment lab
Cambridge. We'd been crashing grad parties. Must have took a wrong turn heading home, ended up on a deserted country lane in the pitch black - about 3AM. Remember seeing this blurry light - I stumbled towards it.

Managed to focus on the light, it was a fire escape door.. I'd entered some kind of hi-tech facility - big barbed wire fences, security cameras, all that stuff. Made it up the fireescape stairs, started banging on the window...

A Scientist in a white coat came to the door and let me in. I thought I was on a spaceship, or in a James Bond movie. Theres all these animals in cages with probes and monitors and lab equipment around.

Scientist guy (who was nice, not evil) called a cab for me.

Found out later this was one of the university genetic `experiment` labs outside the town. The sort of place where they sew monkeys heads onto giraffes and clone sheep and stuff.
(DO_NOT_LOGON, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 15:07, Reply)

Double Whammy
On my graduation night from a design porfolio course I set about drinking with unusual vigour. Perhaps it was the ladies I was subconciously trying to impress or was it the raging testosterone betwixt the lads that was the root of it.
Anyways, serveral pints and tequila combos later I decided to sink a pint in one to lossen the knickers on a particularly foxy lady. What girl wouldn't be impress with such an act. 4 seconds, it was gone. One more just to prove the point. A third? Why not, eh!
I remeber going to the toilets. I dont remeber falling asleep, I vaguely remebered being bundle into the back of a cab with my teachers watching on in abject disgust. i remember the bastard cabbie kicking me out as soon as I got around the corner. Somehow I made the journey home, incredible as I did it on my hands and knees.
No time to take off clothes, into bed. Ahhhh.
An indeterminate amount of time later I woke up with a start. It hadn't happened in yea on 15 years, but I instantly recognised the heavy load weighing down my pants. Slightly more sober now I got up removed the offending articles a tossed them out the window. I took a shower a washed the turds off me, so of which had defied the laws of nature and ended up on my back and shoulders. After these terribly unpleasant ablutions and a change of sheets I hopped back into the sack. I drifted into an uneasy sleep.....
I awoke a hour or so later. Something was wrong. Surely not. I pulled back the top sheet to reveal a pool of urine with me in the middle of it.
I have no shame in saying I wept openly. It was horrific.
I got up a spent the next few days trying to purge the episode from my brain. I was almost recovered when a few days later my irate neighbour arrived asking me if I was the owner of the feces laden slacks on his shed roof.
The shame.
(Smell eep!, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 15:05, Reply)

Curry
Its a work dinner, free drinks and free food. Problem is I work in Holland so most of my colleagues are Dutch, this funnily enough means they barely drink at all and are basically dullards without any spark (a bit like diesel engines, dull, but save money). Anyway, I proceed to drink quite a bit and get fairly bladdered.
The dinner ends up being at an Indian curry house. For some reason I decide the best way to show these Dutch people how inferior they are is by drinking more beer and eating hot curry (Dutch generally hate spicey food). So I ask for the hottest curry, but no, thats not hot enough, I ask the waiter over and ask for the 'special' sauce, the sauce that comes out in an asbestos bowl.
He brings out this small bowl of what looked like minced peanuts. I have a little spoon, its not bad, proceed to ladel loads of it on my curry. Down a drink and proceed to laugh at the inneptitude of the curry while everyone looks at me in awe. King of the party, I have shown these cloggies who should be the real boss. A minute later sweat... buckets of it... I look like a marathon runner sweat pouring down my face. Then tears streaming down my face. Dutch colleagues asking if I am all right and laughing, I am hiccuping, downing beers, and trying to quench the fire that seems to have erupted.
The next morning a hangover was the least of my problems. How I had wished I kept some tiolet paper in the fridge.
For months I had Dutch guys offering me curry this and curry that. Bastards!
Needless to say I am more careful about showing how manly I am now and stick to picking flowers...
(dekay23, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 15:03, Reply)

my first time
The first time I drank anything was after my senior prom. There was only 4 of us at the hotel, so since it was my first time drinking, and we had limited resources they decided it would be a wonderful idea to get me fuuuuuuuuucking druuuuuuuuunk. Though we had little of it, we did have a variation of things, rum and coke, mike's hard lemonade, 1 can of beer and about 2 inches left in the bottle of rum. Of course I had to drink it all. I was telling a joke and then BAM!! It hit me like a fucking hammer to the forehead. I had about a 10 minute pause in the middle of my joke. Then I proceeded to giggle my ass of. Followed by several drunken trips to the bathroom, fortunately just to pee. Then had the shit scared out of me. Me-"I have to pee but I don't want to get out of bed" Stupid liar friend-"You had better go, you don't want to piss the bed...he he he" Me-"shit"
( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 15:00, Reply)

bouncy castles are dangerous
At Leeds Met 2 years ago, i was out with a group of mates taking advantage of the £1 a pint rule at the bar. After 6ish pints and a couple of shots, we all decided it would be a good idea to go on the bouncy castle handily supplied next to the dance floor. After queuing for a good bit of the night, five of my mates and me got on there and promptly decided to start trying to do backflips and somersaults (as you do). In an effort to show off to everyone i decided to try a backflip, and landed with my hand under my knee, which tore the tendons in my hand. Cue bouncers escorting me into a back room to sign an accident form with my now badly swollen hand, and telling me and my mates to walk to the hospital down the road. It took half an hour due to people being sick after looking at my hand which was the shape of a tennis ball, and waiting at the hospital till 5am only to be told go home and come back at 8am. As it was just as wed broke up for easter i spent the next week on painkillers and embaressed by what happened. On the flip side we all got those cardboard bowls as souveneirs :)
(ubersnack, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 15:00, Reply)

I don't drink
but I once had a peculiar reaction to valium from the dentist. I have no recollection of doing anything, but the next day, in school, the headmaster called me into his office and said the immortal words:

"Jason, are you aware that you spent an hour yesterday afternoon running up and down our main corridor screaming 'I am the birdman!' at the top of your voice while throwing paper at people?"

Needless to say, I've never taken the valium option since.
( watashi-wa Evenin'!, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 14:55, Reply)

Spread eagled and naked ...
... seems to be a bit of a theme. I went to a party at a friend's flat. Lots of people sleeping over. It had a sofa in the dining bit of the kitchen. That was my berth. Went to sleep in a sleeping bag, fully clothed. Woke up spread eagled in the middle of the kitchen floor, stark raving nude and the sound of the door closing.

Better than the time I first tried home-brew (I was 14/15) and threw up on my mate's mum as she cleared up my earlier productions. "I'm *puke* very *huey* sorry, Mrs *ralph* Matesmum."
( calgacus Non sum qualis eram bonae sub regno Cynarae, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 14:52, Reply)

superpowers revealed
Spring break in Key West, Florida:

We all got severely plastered and went out to the local bars (all of them). I managed to lose my friends and was walking home when the police car pulls up and stops right in front of me. I was perplexed because I was just an innocent pedestrian walking home, so I started to walk around the police car.

The cop gets out and arrests me for some reason, puts me in handcuffs and puts me in the front seat of his patrol car (the back seat was full). Next thing I know I'm walking down the middle of a street about 3 miles away... without my shoes. Luckily, the handcuffs were also gone. I spent hours trying to find my way back to where we were staying.

The only evidence that any of this happened was my missing shoes, and the totally black soles of my feet.

Several similar instances have led me to believe that I have superpowers that allow me to disappear whenever I'm stopped by the police. "Wonderdrunk powers activate!" It hasn't failed me yet.
( kingoffools, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 14:52, Reply)

Oh and another time....
I went to visit my boyfriend at the time's parents for the weekend. I had never met them before and they lived in this lovely posh house!
His sister decided that we were to go out into town and have a few drinks during the afternoon, as we had to get back to get ready to go for a meal at some swanky restaurant...
Need less to say that during the afternoon I managed to drink 3-4 bottles of wine to myself and was absolutely twatted.
When they got me home, they told me to go and have a shower to freshen up. So I managed to get myself under the spray when all of a sudden my legs gave up and I crashed naked and wet through the glass shower screen (no longer attached to the wall), soap in my eyes and the plastic curtain wrapped around my head. This is how his mother found me.
Reservations were cancelled, I had to have glass pulled out of my skin instead.
(DirtyChurch, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 14:51, Reply)

ahem....
Fucken hell man - youve got a problem. I once had my front teeth kicked out by a welsh girl that looked like eric bristo. I was once in the Sun newspaper for sunbathing with a dope plant and I once had to go thru arab customs after swallowing an eighth of dope after which I had to get a lift home with my girlfriends dad who was a customs officer. i once was involved in a pilled up car crash in the welsh valleys where we carrerred off the road and had to walk home 20 miles coming down where i punched a cow on the nose. I once pissed into my girlfriends brothers bag of clothes when he was moving house and had the nerve to tell him to chill out the next morning.I once drunk so much that i stayed round a strangers and pissed in my own shoes and on his carpet during the night and then layed a pint glass over the spillage to cover my tracks - that day i went to a company meeting to dicuss the evils of the hangover at work and had an alcohol related epilectic fit in font of everyone. But fxck me mate, bleeding on a sheila - sort yourself out.
(boing, Fri 19 Mar 2004, 14:36, Reply)