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This is a question Breakin' The Law

'I'd taken some mushrooms in a pub,' writes Allen Smithee, 'and things had got a bit odd. People turning into goblins, barstools into toadstools etc. I wandered off from my friends and found myself in a carpark. I noticed a huge liquorice allsort driving towards me and Bertie Basset got out. I kinda realised that Bertie was a policeman and my brain went into paranoid fast forward. I decided that I must be being arrested and said, "I'll just get in the back of your car, Officer" Bertie looked at me with disgust, "Not bleeding likely sunshine. Just piss off home ok?"'

(, Wed 7 Jan 2004, 20:34)
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A bit of the opposite way around, this story
I was working in an off-license about five years ago and a couple of drunks come into my shop. One of them had taken a swipe at my head with a bottle of wine, I'd taken the bottle of him and told him to piss off, which he promptly did.

The police turn up, have a look around the area to see if they can spot the guys then come in to take my statement. About half an hour later we're sitting out the back of the shop going through it all and the bell dings for the front door of the shop. My boss wanders out to serve the customer and it's the mate of the guy who tried to attack me. My boss steps out the back and with a grin on his face says to the policeman "The friend of the guy who did the attack is in the shop asking if he left a bag behind. The attacker is standing out the front waiting for him."

Pause.

"What?" says the very baffled policeman.

"They're back and they are asking if they left a bag behind!" The grin on my bosses face is now rather huge. The policeman has a great expression on his face, quietly says "right" and tries to keep a straight face as he puts on his hat to go and arrest the very, very stupid people.

It gets better though. On attempting to arrest the guy who attacked me, the mate then decides it would be a good idea to jump on the back of the policeman. Now, what this was supposed to achieve is pretty ambiguous anyway, but he really should have factored in that the police were setting up a speed trap across the road at the time so in about five seconds he was manually lifted and thrown to the floor by seven officers.

A few minutes later the policeman walks into the shop to tell us everything is fine and they've been arrested. He was utterly amazed at just how dumb the two really were.

I did well out of it too, I got 50 compensation for the guy who attacked me, my boss shut the shop early and gave me a 15 bottle of wine. We then went off and got royally drunk on everything in my house.

That the night was one of the most enjoyable I've had in this city says a lot about Winchester.
(, Thu 8 Jan 2004, 14:02, closed)

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