That Sinking Feeling
I worked on this until 12 months ago.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y_BbWXiddG4

And this is the second time it's sunk in 6 weeks.

Edited so Dr Shambolic doesn't get angry. He's got a fake testicle you know.
( rjmrjm, Fri 5 Jul 2013, 9:46, 2 replies)

Although there was that time when I was about six, and I ran out from behind a parked car on a main road, and the car coming towards me passed so close the front wheel ran over the back of my shoe, ripping it off my foot and sending me sprawling.
They sent my dad the insurance bill for the wing he'd smashed as he'd skidded to a halt, too, the sensible chap.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 5 Jul 2013, 9:33, 1 reply)

I'm wearing brown trousers.
AHAHAHAHAHAHA it's funny because it's true.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 5 Jul 2013, 8:59, 17 replies)

*something about splitting up with a psychotic partner*
*something about Portugal*

*something about Star Wars*

*something about trolls*
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 5 Jul 2013, 8:38, 4 replies)

2008
I was working on a water treatment works up in the far-flung Highlands of Scotland. I'd been surveying for a weir that was being built and was returning to the main site. Our excavator was digging in an existing ditch that ran alongside the access road. the foreman told me they were looking for the ends of a BT data cable which they had accidentally dug through the previous day and asked me if I'd mind guiding the dig.

To find two, thin black ends of a cable in the muddy water, the easiest way was to stand in the ditches the excavator widened it out. We found one end and exposed enough to reconnect then he went looking for the other.

He pulled at the loose rocks and there was resistance. I saw something red in the water and told him to stop. He suggested it was a root or something and said he could tear it out. I said we'd just wait and see what the draining water revealed.

It revealed an 11,000V cable that was caught in the teeth of the bucket. One break would have killed me and most probably him too.

Construction sites are ace!
( Larry Death Anger Pain Fear Aggression, Fri 5 Jul 2013, 8:20, Reply)

You want a lucky escape?
Here is a good example.
( Wanderer, Fri 5 Jul 2013, 6:51, 1 reply)

Yes, it's that story - AGAIN!
The A5
Some years ago I was the proud owner of an Austin/MG Maestro turbo (fairly rare, I later found out) a truly mental car with far more power than the stone-age chassis and suspension could safely handle.
I was driving along the A5 on the straight bit just west of Cerigyddrudion at about 6 am on a fine, clear june morning when I decided to see just what the car was capable of. Silly, I know, but there was no traffic about, and this was before the advent of GATSO cameras (bastard bastard bastard things).
Pedal to the metal etc and I was flying! As I hit the 119mph mark I spied a couple of lorries in the distance coming the other way. "No prob", thought I, "the closing speed is fairly rapid but they're on the other side and I've got lots of time to slow down".
As I got within about 400 yards of them I eased off the throttle. All was well.
Then the front offside wheel blew into a million bits.
According to the marks on the road, I pirouetted three times, swerved BETWEEN the lorries and back to my side of the road before coasting to a stop, facing the wrong way and shaking like a freshly raped whippet. I don't remember the accident itself, just the aftermath of incoherent babbling and crying to the two rural coppers that turned up. I was mentally going through the rest of the route through the mountains in my mind and picturing all the places I could have plunged to my death. The shock took me weeks to get over and I was very close to jacking in my job.
It seemed that there was a casting fault that had caused the wheel to crack between the bolt-holes on the wheel, under the paint, which meant that it could have come off (leaving the centre of the wheel still attached) at any time.
On examination by the dealer, three of the wheels had the same fault, albeit to a lesser degree. I'd done over 12,000 miles in this car, transporting my then wife (pregnant with our first child), my parents, her parents and loads of mates on various jaunts.
Never drove it again.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Fri 5 Jul 2013, 6:34, 2 replies)

I narrowly escaped becoming a rolling ball of fire. Twice this has happened now.
The first time was when I was driving to work one day in my ancient Honda. As I drove I became aware of a raw petrol smell, never a good sign. I pulled in at work, and as it was lightly raining at the time my eye was caught by a trail of little rainbow blotches leading back from my car to the road. I opened the hood, and after a moment found that a little metal thing near the top of the engine which turned out to be the fuel filter had somehow cracked and was dribbling fuel down toward the alternator. I was moments away from becoming something out of a Bruce Willis movie.

The second time was about a year ago. I was moving a great distance, and couldn't realistically take my old Isuzu truck with me. It was old and rattly and not worth any money, so I gave it to a friend who wanted it. He drove it home and parked it in his driveway, and let it sit for a week or two before he went to use it. It was not wanting to start- which was very unusual for that truck, ordinarily it caught immediately- so he popped open the hood and checked everything he could think of, then tried it again. It started to catch, then he heard a pop. He got out and went to the front, where he found that the recirculation line had ruptured, spilling petrol across the alternator so that he now had a merry little bonfire in front of him. He ran to his garage and grabbed the fire extinguisher- which then proved to be faulty. By the time he got another one from the house the bonfire had grown big enough that there wasn't any point in trying to put it out, so he called the fire department to let them do it. We agree that the Isuzu was heartbroken over me leaving and committed self-immolation in its grief.

Apparently once a car gets past 200K miles I need to replace anything involving fuel lines that run near the alternator.
( Wanderer, Fri 5 Jul 2013, 4:48, Reply)

Avalanche!
A few years ago I was on a snowboarding holiday in Les Deux Alpes with my brother. We decided to spend the week doing the off-piste course, which was 6 days out-of-bounds and in the back-country (I recommend, the off-piste there is fantastic). We were the only boarders in a small group of skiers.

On the first day we were taken through massive fields of untouched powder and eventually got to a couloir. The guide went first. My brother went second. I came round third, and as I went to wait below my brother the snow just slipped away and I was suddenly waist-deep in a 10m-by-10m slab heading towards a rocky cliff drop. "Move move move!" came the shouting from the guide, who had actually skied in behind me to ensure I got out. Luckily I had the momentum to do so and the realisation of what was happening didn't hit me until it was all over.

That evening I was high on testosterone and adrenaline and for the first and last time in my life I understood how it felt to be an alpha male. It didn't last. The next day I was physically exhausted and could barely stay upright. Whilst digging myself out of a 4m deep powder hole in avalanche country the realisation of what happened and what was going on hit me, as did the panic. Luckily, we got to the bottom to a waiting jeep in time for lunch, at which point my bro and I decided to call it a day.

There were a couple of other a avalanches that week, but I was only a witness and they were easier to cope with. One looked huge but was only a few inches deep so the guy just dug his skis into the hardback below and didn't go anywhere. These days I still off-piste, but only for an afternoon, and always with a guide kids!
(Rilux might be pregnant and has bum-aids, Fri 5 Jul 2013, 2:30, 2 replies)

Starting in 1888
I mutilated and murdered a number of prostitutes in Whitechapel, but luckily I wasn't caught, as if was, I most certainly would have been hanged.

Which was nice.
( TheMattInAHat has a particular... odour..., Thu 4 Jul 2013, 23:50, Reply)

On holiday in Portugal
and my wife and I wanted to go out for dinner, but the bloody kids wouldn't go to sleep. Luckily, as I'm a doctor, I had some sedatives with me, so it didn't take long to solve that problem. But when we got back, we found that I'd give too much sedative to our daughter, causing her to stop breathing. Imagine my embarrassment!

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I had a very lucky escape... I was never caught!
( calibrax loves teh hamsters (not in that way), Thu 4 Jul 2013, 23:15, 4 replies)

I have never watched the X factor

(Inflatable Giraffe Punctureless since 1985, Thu 4 Jul 2013, 20:45, 2 replies)

15th
get in!!
( slartifartfast When all around are losing their heads, duck., Thu 4 Jul 2013, 18:35, 1 reply)

Desperation.
My friends and I were often broken hearted at missing out on the chance to see our favorite 1970s prog rockers and would resort to ridiculous measures in order to get our grubby mitts on tickets.
One guy had what he thought were a pair of y-fronts with mysterious powers which helped him to jump the queue before a sell out.

We though, had some glam rock style silver capes which we always felt gave us the edge when it came to lining up for tickets.

They were our lucky Yes capes.
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Thu 4 Jul 2013, 17:42, Reply)

once, many years ago
I was in the bath, with an erection, busting for a piss.
long story short, I accidentally pissed into my own mouth
( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Thu 4 Jul 2013, 17:02, 11 replies)

Knock knock!
Jesus fuck shit fuck you scared me to death I was just having a wank to some lesbians.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 4 Jul 2013, 16:49, 5 replies)

Surfing for porn
can't remember which browser it was, but a few years ago I was doing some research on the Internet, ahem, and my girlfriend at the time turned up.

I slickly hit the 'home' button to bring up whatever my homepage was, probably Yahoo in those days, and all was well. Food was cooked, TV was watched, usual stuff. Unusually, neither of us went near the computer.

Later on, I need to do something on the computer, GF wanders into the kitchen.

So, you know on some browsers, the 'save image as', and the 'set as desktop wallpaper' are right next to each other?

During the 10 seconds GF doesn't actually have a direct line of sight to the computer, I close whatever browser it was, see with horror that my wallpaper is now a large picture of 2 thai lesbians doing a 69, and manage to change it back to something slightly more appropriate.

"What's up with you?" she says, emerging from the kitchen. "You look like you saw a ghost".

No, I saw a Thai hooker with her tongue up her best mates twat, but we'll go with ghost, I reckon.
(username failed moderation, Thu 4 Jul 2013, 16:38, 7 replies)

I once put a padlock-opener in breadcrumbs.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 4 Jul 2013, 16:38, Reply)

i was almost captured once
but, just in time, some fish-headed bloke warned me that it was a trap
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 4 Jul 2013, 16:32, 2 replies)

This is the official Miseries Oblivious Group Therapy thread.
Please keep all your incessant self-pity here and avoid soiling the other threads. Thanks.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 4 Jul 2013, 16:16, 48 replies)

Obligatory reference about veering dangerously close to some bins

( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Thu 4 Jul 2013, 15:58, Reply)

I've never had a brown trouser moment
because my underwear is made out of rubber.
( Muns, Thu 4 Jul 2013, 15:58, Reply)

I have a rather nice pair of brown corduroy trousers, but there's a hole in the pocket.

( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Thu 4 Jul 2013, 15:57, 1 reply)

Turd!

( Vambo, Thu 4 Jul 2013, 15:51, 1 reply)

I second that emotion.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 4 Jul 2013, 15:50, Reply)

Could I get first?
It was scary, but I made it.
( Pig Bodine., Thu 4 Jul 2013, 15:47, Reply)