I have of late, lost all my mirth.
I am leaving you. It was fun once but I can see the writing on the wall. It will only end in tears if I stay.

I have no desire to see ten candles next to my oh-so-funny username. It will not make me happy. I’ll only see dead years and forgotten hours. No pleasure will be gained. Equally I have no desire to urge myself towards that wonderful goal of 100,000+ posts, or to forgo sleep, family and relationships in the process.

So here’s your last Albert Marshmallow story. A tale of pain, sorrow and regret – but ultimately, of redemption.

Some fond farewells:

Amorous Badger – after providing you with the single most important moment of your life (the Hotmail story), I feel there’s nothing further I can offer you. I do however remain deeply impressed with your colossal insight into message board posts. Your understanding of ‘Legless Gambits’ and ‘Trolling the Trolls’ is the most informed I have ever come across - but then again, after 65,000+ posts on this site alone, I'm just happy you've learned something in the process. I hope this knowledge serves you well in life.

Dr Shambolic – very few people in life actually achieve their goals, yet I will hold you up as a constant reminder that nothing is impossible. Watching Andy Murray over the weekend, I was struck by his tenacity and ferocious attitude towards winning at all costs – but on reflection his achievement pales into insignificance when placed alongside yours. A British Wimbledon winner for the first time in 77yrs? Pah! What is that when compared to a man who has single-handedly corralled a tiny internet backwater into the palm of his hand? Your continuous, ever-present, 24/7 contributions to this site are insurmountable, no one will ever be able to match the commitment you have for your cause. Your omnipotence knows no bounds. And I do realise that this will be music to your ears, the ultimate crystallisation of your dreams, the final acknowledgement of the effort you have put in year after year, after year. But you’ve done it! You are their god! In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is truly king.

Misery McUglywife – where do I start? It is your presence here that has finally seen me off. Not only does your username depress me no end - but your masochism sickens me. If this were a fight, you’d be in lying prostrate in the centre of a baying mob, blood pouring from every orifice, shit and piss streaming down your legs, your skin torn off as if you’d been dragged for 20 miles behind a truck. Yet you’d still be begging for more. You’d crawl back to the centre demanding they beat you again. Demand that they strip you of every last modicum of self-respect and dignity.
Your inane witterings are the most banal, unfunny and depressing ‘stories’ I have ever had the misfortune to come across. You open yourself to ridicule yet seem to thrive off it. If what I have read is true and you are indeed a man in his 50’s, then may I state an oft used insult? Get a fucking life.

So it is here that I make my great escape. An escape that I know in years to come will be a lucky one. Maybe I’ll check in, maybe I’ll have a look from time to time. Just to see if grown men are still conducting pan-continental arguments. See if they’re still recycling lines from kiddie space movies. I’ll enjoy the images and stories from afar but participate I will not.

Until such time as we meet again, I bid you all, adieu.

AM
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Mon 8 Jul 2013, 14:25, 103 replies)

You could at least leave your account password behind.

( Pig Bodine., Mon 8 Jul 2013, 14:31, closed)

See you next week.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 8 Jul 2013, 14:33, closed)

do fuck off, there's a love.

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Mon 8 Jul 2013, 14:41, closed)

Ooh, burn.
Don't go, Albert. Or, if you must go, come back under a different username.

Can you give me some money, as a parting gift?
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Mon 8 Jul 2013, 14:44, closed)

I've already registered Alfred Candyfloss and Alberto Chamallow.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 8 Jul 2013, 14:53, closed)

I bet he was you, all along.

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Mon 8 Jul 2013, 15:07, closed)

*whisper* it's balders */whisper*

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 8 Jul 2013, 15:42, closed)

No, he-who-must-not-be-named was a group delusion.

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Mon 8 Jul 2013, 15:59, closed)

That's a bit worrying.
I once had a knife fight with him at an omgbash. Have I gone full Tyler Durden?
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 8 Jul 2013, 16:04, closed)

The first rule of internet hard-man claims,
is that I don't talk about internet hard-man claims.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Mon 8 Jul 2013, 16:55, closed)

Can I have your make believe coffee machine?


alt: don't go you're one of my favourite loonies. Don't let that cunt Misery McUglywife put you off try to look at it as a piece of performance art or put him on ignore
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Mon 8 Jul 2013, 14:48, closed)

Can I apply for a grant?
I'm getting some good ideas here
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Mon 8 Jul 2013, 23:12, closed)

Bye
*waves*
( mrlogic is copying your beard, Mon 8 Jul 2013, 14:52, closed)

(username failed moderation, Mon 8 Jul 2013, 15:00, closed)

This is brilliant.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Mon 8 Jul 2013, 17:09, closed)

What she said, click.

( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Mon 8 Jul 2013, 22:21, closed)

( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Mon 8 Jul 2013, 15:08, closed)

A "thanks for the sig" wouldn't have hurt.
Honestly, some people.
( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Mon 8 Jul 2013, 15:11, closed)

Blimey.
It's only the internets mate.
(Pookie Bear had some very shiny foez, Mon 8 Jul 2013, 15:15, closed)

SRS BIZNIZ

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 8 Jul 2013, 15:40, closed)

Operation Yew Tree innit.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 9 Jul 2013, 8:19, closed)

Before you go
please update your post to reflect the fact that Murray is the first male Briton to win Wimbledon in 77 years. Not the first Briton of either sex.

Byeeeeee.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Mon 8 Jul 2013, 15:19, closed)

Albert, your presence here made me smile.
Godspeed.

Edit: as sittingduck correctly points out, why not just put MU on ignore?
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Mon 8 Jul 2013, 15:30, closed)

HORRID bullying of the rainbow dinosaur one :(

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 8 Jul 2013, 16:47, closed)

You can't handle the HORRID truth.

( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Mon 8 Jul 2013, 16:57, closed)

I'm pretty sure mu's gay

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Mon 8 Jul 2013, 23:52, closed)

In fairness, flouncing because Ringo is so utterly, utterly shit might be Albert's greatest triumph to date.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 8 Jul 2013, 17:03, closed)

It's Albert Liemallow.
Odds are at least 10-1 that this is the latest in his trolling masterclass.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 8 Jul 2013, 18:26, closed)

This seems likely.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 8 Jul 2013, 21:01, closed)

It's worked too.
New threads about him and a rambling whine from Neckbeard McShitlife.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 9 Jul 2013, 7:36, closed)

*tips hat*
see you on the other side, soldier
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Mon 8 Jul 2013, 15:58, closed)

Social media meltdowns was the week before last I'm afraid

(Nanny Pat vote for me, Mon 8 Jul 2013, 16:08, closed)

I'm sure Shambo is proud
but I can't tell as he has me on ignore after I upset him on the internet.
( Wanderer, Mon 8 Jul 2013, 16:23, closed)

Ding dong Montily on high, in heaven Patels are ring-ing.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 8 Jul 2013, 16:38, closed)

DO ME DO ME!

(PsychoChomp, Mon 8 Jul 2013, 16:49, closed)

Slag.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 8 Jul 2013, 17:21, closed)

All this only made sense
when I realized 'Albert Marshmallow' is Ringofyre's latest user name.
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Mon 8 Jul 2013, 17:41, closed)

Nope.
Wrong again.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Mon 8 Jul 2013, 22:04, closed)

A British Wimbledon winner for the first time in 77yrs?
er... what about the FOUR female winners between fred perry and andy murray?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 8 Jul 2013, 18:17, closed)

Typical lesbian.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 8 Jul 2013, 18:42, closed)

The clue is in your post.
"what about the FOUR female winners between fred perry and andy murray?", note the word female. That means they don't count, because no-one gives a fuck.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Mon 8 Jul 2013, 19:17, closed)

Somebody needs to get some!

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 8 Jul 2013, 21:52, closed)

They all had clitorises the size of frankfurters.

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Mon 8 Jul 2013, 23:54, closed)

I guess women's tennis just isn't as interesting or important.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 9 Jul 2013, 9:17, closed)

Do they count as female
When they all have balls the size of Cliff Richards
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Tue 9 Jul 2013, 11:23, closed)

Cheers.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 8 Jul 2013, 19:30, closed)

Also, 100 replies = validated.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 9 Jul 2013, 17:31, closed)

Bye.
Bye

Fuck off.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 8 Jul 2013, 19:56, closed)

Cheers
Wormulus did this better though.
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Mon 8 Jul 2013, 20:08, closed)

Much, much, much better.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 8 Jul 2013, 20:27, closed)

'Bush like a Brillo pad' will always be one of my favourite Wormulisms EVER.
:D
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Mon 8 Jul 2013, 20:59, closed)

But he failed to carry out the most important step: staying gone once he'd flounced.

( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Mon 8 Jul 2013, 20:46, closed)

Yeah, but if Wormy'd stayed gone we'd all have missed him really The LOVELY Woodise.
:D
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Mon 8 Jul 2013, 20:53, closed)

I didn't do that either. Flounced 3 years ago, had a 'year off' then came back. Aren't you all lucky I returned eh?

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 8 Jul 2013, 21:00, closed)

Did anybody notice?

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 8 Jul 2013, 21:04, closed)

Nah.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 8 Jul 2013, 22:17, closed)

I like the paragraph about Dr Shambolic
Nailed him, completely. Won't do any good though. Still waiting for the pickled onion thing.
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Mon 8 Jul 2013, 20:54, closed)

ALBERT FOR PRESIDENT OF EGYPT!

( Infidel , shit and wrong, Mon 8 Jul 2013, 21:18, closed)

HELL YEAH!
ALBERT AL AKHBAH!
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Mon 8 Jul 2013, 21:21, closed)

*takes up the chant*
ALBERT AL AKHBAH! ALBERT AL AKHBAH! ALBERT AL AKHBAH! ALBERT AL AKHBAH!
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Mon 8 Jul 2013, 21:30, closed)

is this the marshmallow spring?
when does the raping start?
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Mon 8 Jul 2013, 21:33, closed)

It's always about the raping with you, isn't it The LOVELY Rapey Sidekick?
Honestly, you're like Chompy on heat, it's just rape rape rape.
'Ning.
*Panders*
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Mon 8 Jul 2013, 21:40, closed)

There's no time for raping right now.
We're all taking our shoes off to whack statues with.

later we may molest some foreign female journalists a bit.


Let us praise his name, ALBERT AHKBAR !
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Mon 8 Jul 2013, 21:51, closed)

Silly Infidel, there's ALWAYS time for the raping.
You just do it in time to the chanting.
ALBERT AL AKHBAH!
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Mon 8 Jul 2013, 21:55, closed)

OW! SIDEKICK! NOT ME DAMNIT!
:(
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Mon 8 Jul 2013, 21:58, closed)

I'm sorry, it's just that we're all wearing dresses.
I don't know who to rape first.

ALBERT BE PRAISED, I AM SUCH A FOOL.

ALBERT AL AHKBAR!
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Mon 8 Jul 2013, 22:19, closed)

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought it was Janet raping me again.
Carry on.
ALBERT AL AKHBAH!
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Mon 8 Jul 2013, 22:48, closed)

*rapes*

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Mon 8 Jul 2013, 23:00, closed)

ALBERT AL AKHBAH!
:D
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Mon 8 Jul 2013, 23:21, closed)

Umm, sorry.
I think. :(
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Mon 8 Jul 2013, 21:35, closed)

Don't flatter yourself. You dull waste of oxygen.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 8 Jul 2013, 22:17, closed)

It is your presence here that has finally seen me off.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Mon 8 Jul 2013, 23:01, closed)

Hopefully.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 8 Jul 2013, 23:04, closed)

Awww,
too thick to work out the context of the quote.
Bless.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Mon 8 Jul 2013, 23:09, closed)

So your story is you getting upset on the internet?

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Mon 8 Jul 2013, 23:59, closed)

I've reread it once more - I'd hate to be responsible for having triggered someone honestly leaving here.
I think I may have found the problem -
Demand that they strip you of every last modicum of self-respect and dignity.
If I went to any particular website to either bolster my self-respect or try to salvage my dignity, this one wouldn't be the one I would choose go to.
I'm sorry you find my wittering depressing - had I known part of the brief was specifically to keep everyone happy and cheerful I would've tailored my stories to that end.
I'm in my (early) 40's. Considering how complex and busy my life is atm, I don't think I want anymore of a life.
Cheers.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 9 Jul 2013, 6:06, closed)

Early 40's?
Fuck off.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 9 Jul 2013, 8:14, closed)

So your story is?
Oh. Wait. You don't really have one.

Nvm. I know my own birthdate. If you want to make my age an issue - go for it.
Either way, I'm not some skinny fella who is proud of collating other peoples stories for your own amusement on a website that really has a fairly limited readership.
As "claims to fame" go - I'd wouldn't be particularly proud to show that to anyone who doesn't visit this site.
Then again you're married to another poster.
You may wish to reflect upon that.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 9 Jul 2013, 9:19, closed)

I've reflected closely and decided that, on reflection, you're still taking this all a bit too seriously.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 9 Jul 2013, 10:02, closed)

Flawless victory to Liemallow.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 9 Jul 2013, 11:02, closed)

Says the man whose claim to fame is a slightly creepy set of other people's stories.

(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 9 Jul 2013, 12:21, closed)

Having looked at your posts
You cannot let sleeping dogs lie. Shambolic is a classic and sometimes funny troll. He fills no other role here nor claims too, yet you still feed him and all the other trolls that respond to you.
( dazbrilliantwhites has been meaning to change this..., Tue 9 Jul 2013, 14:19, closed)

You'll probably get a gaz now
I did a few weeks ago when I went down a similar road.
He knows exactly what he's doing.
( The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Tue 9 Jul 2013, 14:37, closed)

Shan't feed no more

( dazbrilliantwhites has been meaning to change this..., Tue 9 Jul 2013, 14:42, closed)

If you're lucky, he may bring out the 'Titanic' defensive gambit

( The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Tue 9 Jul 2013, 14:43, closed)

"Just the tip"?

(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Wed 10 Jul 2013, 2:56, closed)

How dare you. I am absolutely vital to the smooth running of this emospaz self-help group.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 9 Jul 2013, 17:26, closed)

but there in a nutshell is a typical Ringo post
blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Tue 9 Jul 2013, 9:26, closed)

I take my hat off to the OP.
He's the first person here to Troll The Troll Trollers.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 9 Jul 2013, 10:07, closed)

Now I'm confused. I thought that you posted overly long, needlessly detailed and often pointless episodes from your life into an anecdote contest because you genuinely thought people wanted to read them. Have you ever considered blogging instead?
(cs1ca, Tue 9 Jul 2013, 13:51, closed)

On the brightside,
you've now got much more time to listen to your archive recordings of Money Box.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 9 Jul 2013, 11:58, closed)

Are we suggesting that Albert is, in fact, Vincent Duggleby?

( The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Tue 9 Jul 2013, 12:05, closed)

The clues were all there, when you think about it.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 9 Jul 2013, 12:07, closed)

*Points*
Ha! Archie knows what one of the cretins on that programme is called!
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 9 Jul 2013, 15:35, closed)

You say that like it's a bad thing...
*sets Paul Lewis on you*

/oh, bugger
( The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Tue 9 Jul 2013, 15:39, closed)

Has Misery McUglywife really caused you to leave here?
what the hell did you find in his Hotmail account?
( The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Tue 9 Jul 2013, 14:01, closed)

How is this different to Youtube, or any other thing on the internet that allows (mainly) unmoderated comments?
You precious little flower
www.youtube.com/watch?v=unkIVvjZc9Y
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Tue 9 Jul 2013, 14:23, closed)