The 999 bullshitter
I have been to a few of these as patients. The number I have been to who, when you ask them what they used to do or if you notice they have military stuff around, a large number will say they used to be in the SAS. Clearly this is some kind of low grade nutcase fantasy as I would say I have met dozens of them in my career. Always amusing working with my regular crewmate who IS ex an ex SAS RSM (have seen his discharge book...very interesting) who has a habit of gently taking the piss!

Anyway, I digress. The biggest bullshitter I came across is not actually a patient, but rather an (ex) work colleague who is one of the biggest bullshitters known to man. You know the type of wankcheese: everything you did, he did bigger and better. Examples include:

- He was brought over from Ireland specifically by the UK ambulance service so they could learn from his "advanced trauma skillz". They were going to fast-track him on a paramedic course but they were "just waiting for the paperwork to be completed" - it never did so this became "oh there was a cock up with my qualifications as they were not recognised by the UK"

- He was first on scene at Tavistock Square on 7th July 2007 (he stopped this one after I called him on it, having actually been there on 7th July and never seeing him before meeting him nearly 3 years later in a completely different ambulance service)

- Despite being an EMT, he was offered a place on HEMS (only open to paramedics) and despite this, he turned it down "because I'm TOO well qualified!"

There was no particular harm in him, BUT he was one of those people that if you worked with him, by the end of 12 hours in an ambulance you had the overwhelming urge to start fisting him with a rusty fire axe and then use the resulting length of shredded colon to gag him and sew his lips closed with a length of mouldy rope.

I was not the only one sick of him, so we hatched a plan.

As we were also a training station, we had a lot of moulage stuff. For those not down wid de knowledge, moulage is the stuff they use to create fake wounds for films and so on, or as in was our case, for training purposes. Our station is quite a tall building (industrial unit with offices above it) so a good 30 foot from roof to floor. Now, quite regularly the SKY dish on the roof would get dislodged by a gust of wind, and one of us would have to go up the rear fire escape, climb on the roof and bash it until the picture came back. There was a small risk you could fall off, but nothing major.

So one day, we decided that one of us (i.e. me, as I was the only paramedic on duty) would get dressed up in fake wounds and lie on the ground. If I recall correctly, I had a major head injury (with brain matter showing - porridge does the job well if you ever fancy it), an open fracture to the leg (with realistic fake bone poking through an old pair of work trousers) and multiple bruises and other wounds. When tossbag's car turned into the carpark, I was given the go. Due to the layout of the building, the front entrance could not be seen from the carpark, so I put myself in the position. One of my female colleagues ran screaming to the bloke's car

"Quick, quick...hurry UP. Carrot's fallen from the roof and is in a really bad way. He was fixing the sky dish and...and...I don't think he's breathing."

Allegedly the guy went a bit green, but dashed from his car to where I was lying. He saw my injuries, and fainted.

He also pissed himself.

When he came round, he called us all a bunch of cunts, and stopped his bullshit from that day forward.

Halcyon times...
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Fri 14 Jan 2011, 16:40, 5 replies)

"the overwhelming urge to start fisting him with a rusty fire axe and then use the resulting length of shredded colon to gag him and sew his lips closed with a length of mouldy rope"
Good work!
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 17:07, closed)

If I told a paramedic
that I had crushing retro-sternal pains, would I get a free shot of morphine? That could be some useful bullshit!
(Happybara The jungle came alive and took him, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 17:41, closed)

No
Because telling me you have "crushing retro-sternal pains" in those words would automatically set off my bullshit alarm as it sounds like you've been reading a medical textbook..... and you'd get a kick in the nadgers. (For purely medical purposes only) The way to do it is say "ooh, it's a terrible pain. It feels like someone's sitting on my chest. And also if you can fake ST elevation in V1-V4 with reciprocal ischaemia in II, III and aVf then you can get all the free morphine you want. On the other hand, the angioplasty (where they stick a wire in your femoral vein - yep, the one next to your balls) is not a pleasant step.
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Fri 14 Jan 2011, 18:55, closed)

I had to do a bit of googling there!
I suppose I could raise my heart-rate by conjuring up some anxious thoughts (not too hard for a neurotic type like me!) but I'd be stuck on the reciprocal ischaemia...
I could always join the army - they carry morphine in the field... Have you ever been fooled into administering analgesia by a cunning opiate-fiend?
(Happybara The jungle came alive and took him, Thu 20 Jan 2011, 10:33, closed)

Sounds a bit like this bloke:
www.anzmi.net/dunn/dunn.html

He's a paramedic in my town *and* claims to be ex-SAS. The locals think he's a bloody joke and a local cop tells me that the cops see right through his bullshit, but he seems to think everyone idolises him.
He deserved getting outed on the military imposters website and has been put on indefinite leave by the state ambulance service while he's being investigated by the service's Ethical Standards Unit.

I do feel sorry for the impact all his bullshit will have on his young boy though.
(discopants, Sat 15 Jan 2011, 13:06, closed)