Peas with honey.
I live in Sweden.

And while the majority of IQ-related blonde stereotypes are truly blown out of the water here, you occasionally meet a winner.

I will on occasion - in the time-honoured tradition of a story-teller - take someone elses' story and re-tell it. This has given me hours of entertainment while feeding vacuous bimbos outrageous un-truths.

My usual pub-haunt is a well known Irish bar in Malmö. The Pub is by no means a meat-market, but an "Englishman" (try not to laugh) is considered "exotic" in Sweden. Feck-knows why, but we have - if you'll pardon the crudeness - a Season-Ticket to the cock-wash. Being that I'm taken and all that, I have to find other ways of amusing myself.

A friend and I regularly prop up the wall while the other absent mindedly treats the darts board and surrounding furniture to some neolithic acupuncture. The regulars might be sat drinking quietly, and a few might be watching TV, and then there's us: Two Rock-climbers, talking English and throwing darts. To my eternal confusion, we tend to attract the curious and the horny. We offer no complaint, but every now and then I have to play wingman and deal with the "bimbo" in a duo of girls.

I play with rumours of english culture... I don't enjoy footbal per say... "I just go for the fighting"
I also say I want to bring my kids up in the UK so that I'll be allowed to Beat them.

I even once managed to convince a lass that English people only inherit their family name until they get a job: At which point their name is changed to the job title. My first job - for example - was working in a Bakery... hence my surname being "Baker"... I explained that Until I was 12 (I got the job at 13 like most other English people do) I was called Humpington Fitz-Windsor the 3rd.

Current favourite Bimbo-fired amusement is to use and old gem that I may have first read here.
"What do you do for a living?"
"Well, I'm a naturalist by trade, but I'm currently on sabbatical" (words like "sabbatical" seem to confuse drunk Scandinavian bimbos and make them believe you)
"What Sebbatickle?"
"A holiday really... a long one"
"Oooh... so, What were you doing before you went on Seba-tickle?"
"I worked in the Arctic for an Oil prospecting company, as a penguin-righter".
"A what?"
"A Penguin-Righter"
"You wrote books?"
No.. I put penguins upright: you see, I'd go with the oil prospectors as they flew around in their helicopters looking for hotspots on the ice (because that means there's oil underneath), and we'd record the positions of groups of penguins we flew over. Once we'd landed and the scientists started to do their tests, it'd be my job to put no the CrossCountry Skis, and go back to the penguins and put them back on their feet".
"But why did they fall over?"
"Well, there are no other big birds in Antarctica so the penguins never see things go over them... so when a Helicopter flies over them, they look up, and up and then fall over backwards as they try to follow the helicopter's path through the sky... And as we all know.. Penguins don't have knees or elbows, so they can's stand themselves up again: That's where I come in...."

~~~~~~ Wavy lines ~~~~~~

.... I've been telling this blatant fib for years now, and also telling my mates about telling it... One of them recently said at a party "I know this English guy who tells stupid people daft lies to amuse himself, and here's one he told me" - He then rattled off the Penguin Righter story.

Just as he started to explain "he puts them back on their little feet" the wife of one of is mates crooned "Oh I'd LOVE to meet this guy: What a NICE person - helping out the penguins like that"

*Face-palms all round*
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Mon 17 Jan 2011, 9:26, 7 replies)

And in the finest tradition, I've nicked that story myself
A finer solution to boredom you couldn't think of.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Mon 17 Jan 2011, 9:45, closed)

First time I heard the penguin story
Was to do with bored Harrier pilots patrolling the Falklands using reconnaissance cameras to count how many they got to fall over.

Also extra points to you for claiming (and being believed) that penguins frequent the Arctic.
( Snappyuk gets BIGGER with free sample., Mon 17 Jan 2011, 11:02, closed)

YAY!
It's rare that people spot that point... I'm sure you'd be insulted if I offered you a medal though....

I'm always stunned by how many people nod emphatically when I say they look for hot-spots on the ice. :o/
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Mon 17 Jan 2011, 11:48, closed)

Why don't polar bears eat penguins?
They can't get the wrappers off.
( Peej, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 16:03, closed)

I've got a friend, (honest)
who when working in ski chalets would use almost this exact story when guests asked him what he did in the summer when there was no snow. Except he used to go to the Falklands to p-p-p-pick up the penguins that had fallen over watching the fast jets fly overhead.
(Woodlouse say it with flowers. Send her a Triffid, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 13:51, closed)

the surname story
Reminded me of the book 'Jennifer Government'
(Iggy Pop's Teeth, Tue 18 Jan 2011, 2:14, closed)

Is it a good book?
I've not heard of it.. :o/
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Tue 18 Jan 2011, 13:11, closed)