Can I get a proper motherfucking chevron for motherfucker's sake?

(SlantedScience, Fri 27 Feb 2015, 1:35, 72 replies)

( Zuowan, Thu 26 Feb 2015, 14:14, 4 replies)

One of my anaesthetist colleagues on a recent rotation to gynae theatres:
'There's some sights to be seen in there. There was one lass with flaps like Harry Redknapp's eyelids, for fuck's sake'
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 26 Feb 2015, 13:29, 21 replies)

A man walked into a bar,
with his cock out. "Ouch, what kind of disease causes that?!" piped up a workmate already seated at a table. So it was when one of my workmates found out the other had had two pearls implanted under the skin at the top of his penis to, along with his Prince Albert, "Make it feel better fo our lass...".
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Thu 26 Feb 2015, 10:43, 10 replies)

I dun a poo

(McChinaman banned, Thu 26 Feb 2015, 6:52, 5 replies)

I once had a shit in the bushes in mexico
Whilst squatting, I noticed three underfed pigs watching me curl one out. As soon as i stood up the were in there like somebody had fired a starters pistols, fighting each to wolf down my turd
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Thu 26 Feb 2015, 6:32, 6 replies)

Floaters
Picture myself on a boat on a river - the river in question being the one that runs through the middle of Srinagar, in Kashmir, in the 80s. Many people live on the river in huge, antiquated houseboats, patched up with anything from cardboard boxes to flattened-out Coke tins and the water is used for everything - cooking, washing, you name it.

Watching the river traffic as we drift out of town, I notice something large and white drifting idly along behind us, but slowly gaining. Even as I'm watching, I can't work out what this thing might be - but it's made even more puzzling by the slight degree of movement that I can detect.

It isn't until it draws almost level that I realise that I'm looking at a bloated sheep's carcass, most of which is below the waterline. What I can see is just one side of the sheep, raised above the water by whatever gases are causing the swelling. More to the point, the movement I can detect is caused by the thousands of maggots that cover the entire exposed area, waving slowly - as, I presume, maggots are wont to do.

But as I'm wondering whether to recoil or puke, I look up and about two or three yards beyond the sheep, equally absorbed in watching it float past, is a Kashmiri man who leans across the side of the houseboat and dips his toothbrush in the river, before he puts it in his mouth and cleans his teeth.

And all the time I had my trusty SLR by my feet and at no time did it cross my mind to grab a picture. Wouldn't have felt good about it, anyway.

I can still see those maggots, though - or rather I can still see then waving. And I still feel like puking.
(zebideedoodah likes florence but prefers venice, Thu 26 Feb 2015, 5:53, 8 replies)

Er, hello? Mods?
There's an offensive gif here AGAIN.

Don't make me go and tell /board.
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Thu 26 Feb 2015, 1:06, 7 replies)

Really? For fucks sake

( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Wed 25 Feb 2015, 23:36, 3 replies)

This QOTW binndun?
Or ought I got to the mirror site...
(bottle_cap, Wed 25 Feb 2015, 22:51, Reply)

Gary Cranley's extensive collection of 'scat' pornography, posted on beeta periodically in an effort to hasten the deletion of his account, apparently.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 25 Feb 2015, 22:32, 2 replies)

Two girls one cup.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 25 Feb 2015, 21:55, 3 replies)

captain placid's extensive collection of pthc

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 25 Feb 2015, 19:38, 3 replies)

Someone on facebook mentioned "blue waffle" this week
:(
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Wed 25 Feb 2015, 17:10, 10 replies)

It ain't funny
My mate has a fear of clowns (coulrophobia). After a bit of googling my three searches took me from 'scary clown' to 'harlequin' and finally 'harlequin ichthyosis'. Should have stopped searching at step two.

Tip: If you find yourself looking up 'harlequin ichthyosis' and feel troubled / saddened by your findings remember it helps to share it with someone. Thank you QOTW.
(ed-z, Wed 25 Feb 2015, 16:52, 5 replies)

Mmmmm Bisto...

( $$ ✅, Wed 25 Feb 2015, 14:31, 5 replies)

A boy at school climbed over the railings for a short cut,
slipped and a spike went through his face.
His angle to the fence was crucial in his survival, the spike entering the crescent shape below his bottom jaw, piercing his palate and emerging through his cheekbone. Inevitably he was badly scarred but he was a positive sort of lad and was later heard to confide, "Well at least I don't have to be an identical twin any more."
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Wed 25 Feb 2015, 13:18, Reply)

I used to be a courier in London
and surprise surprise saw shit loads of unpleasant stuff you don't really want to have to see just going to work.

The bodies in traffic accidents sort of added up; I would hardly say you ever get used to seeing them, you just sort of get less shellshocked passing them by. The 'best' was a a scooter who went right under a truck; bike mangled to bits, early in riding days that left me so phased I got into a fight almost immediately with some cunt giving some dude on a bicycle grief, directly opposite Holborn nick. Fortunately, given I punched the bloke once or twice in the face, the cop who emerged from the cop shop was sympathetic why I might have been hot headed given the carnage I described just up the road. He defused the situation by stating the guy under the truck actually emerged from the truck relatively unscathed. Which sort of made me feel happy but a bit of a twat at the same time.

Then there was genuine fucking carnage. Off Hatten Garden some guy on a bicycle was flattened by a truck doing a left off Farringdon Road and his head went under the wheels. As everything came to a halt even on a bike you slow down and look at what's going down. It wasn't pleasant. Took a while to realise what exactly had happened at which point I turned off the bike and radioed in someone needed to take the packages off me. I was in no mental state to carry on working after that. Curiously, as the cops, ambulances, and fire crews turned up, I remember seeing one bike cop puking up to the side of his bike. I was still sat on mine the otherside of the road. I remember that vividly.

I was lounging on my bike another time waiting (you always do lots of waiting as a courier) on Great Titchfield Street and some guy got stabbed to death in the doorway of a Chemist. Directly in front of me the other side of the road. That was a bit mental. At the time I didn't know he was stabbed to death, because I was bored shitless and half paying attention to reality; there was just this commotion, a scuffle and the guy was lying in the doorway. And like by magic my controller radioed in and was giving me details as a crowd of people gathered. I found out he was killed when I pulled up there the other end of the day. The whole episode ended up on Crimewatch, without me the other side of the road I might add.
( Harpago ¯\(°_o)/¯, Wed 25 Feb 2015, 1:31, 40 replies)

I did a lot of work at a rather well known mental hospital.
Part of the job was loading patient files into a database - which meant I had to read lots of the files of course. Thankfully I managed to program the old noggin to forget most of what I had read. Still, a few bubble up in nightmares from time to time.

Oh, and I still reckon the staff were crazier than the inmates..
( Signify, Tue 24 Feb 2015, 22:06, 2 replies)

(Synchromesh gearbox, overhead cam, Tue 24 Feb 2015, 14:01, 44 replies)

Bombs away!

The original was removed by a mod so I will have to describe it to you.
Imagine sticking your buttocks out of a car window and into the fresh air.
Now let your mind go free of thought and let your bowels evacuate fully onto the road below.
But wait, there is always a sticky nugget that doesn't quite break off completely.
That nugget is now on the passenger's side door.

The End.

© Shitting Out Of Car Windows Productions, 2015.
( $$ ✅, Mon 23 Feb 2015, 19:59, 7 replies)

Just out of interest, how long would I be stepped for if I embedded a fucking massive picture of tubgirl here?

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 23 Feb 2015, 19:40, 6 replies)

everything seems normal here.
as you were people.
( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Mon 23 Feb 2015, 14:43, Reply)

(Synchromesh gearbox, overhead cam, Mon 23 Feb 2015, 13:36, 5 replies)

Ooh, boys cheeky girls
Ooh, girls cheeky boys
Ooh, boys cheeky girls
Ooh, girls cheeky boys

Ooh, boys cheeky girls
Ooh, girls cheeky boys
Ooh, boys cheeky girls
Ooh, girls cheeky boys

and Jonathan Ross trying to dance behind the credits
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Sun 22 Feb 2015, 17:53, 1 reply)

A drunken stag party in Soho. All being sausaged.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sun 22 Feb 2015, 17:45, Reply)

I can't unsee this question.
Mainly because the mods are all to busy performing prostate exams on dogs to change it.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sun 22 Feb 2015, 17:29, 6 replies)

I've seen things
you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-Beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. Time to die. In a fire.
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Sun 22 Feb 2015, 15:45, 23 replies)

groo
Car boot sale, Doncaster, sweet jar full of hair bands, with the cardboard sign - Hair bobbles, some new
felt a bit sick
(kaptinkurtz, Sat 21 Feb 2015, 21:11, 2 replies)

Someone posted a picture of dozer, in a shit coloured tracksuit top and a baseball cap. That wasn't good.

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Sat 21 Feb 2015, 19:02, 11 replies)