Caught being a twat
Recently, just before the election, I had got several political telemarketing calls in succession. I am usually very quick and polite at giving them the brush off as well as with telemarketing calls.

As I work for myself and partly from home I can get a occasionally get a little stir crazy and sometimes answer the home phone in different accents(my work line is different)

So, a week before the big day I had a call from a perky Scottish lady who asked for me by name
‘Hullo, is that Mr. Nimrodihnio?

Adopting an old, out of breath, hard of hearing, cockney codger accent i said, ‘yes darling oos that? do I know yer?’

‘no Mr. N I’m Susan calling from Scottish power do you know you can save money by switching energy providers’

'Wassat darling your doing wat?'

'You can save money by switching energy provider’

‘Ooo do you say you are?

slowly and loudly ‘SCOTTISH ENERGY’

‘No darling av voted labour all me life I int changing naa’

‘No Mr N I’m calling about saving you money?

‘Thas wat them Tories said last time’

'No Mr N, it’s about saving you money through changing your supplier’

‘A int votin for ya, anyways I live in London you int got no candidates ere, that trout fella in charge always going on abat haggis and whisky’

By this time she is taken in and amused with the old duffer on the other end of the line

‘We are not a political party mr N’ She patiently explains yet again

‘Sorry Darlin am not gonna vot for ya no matter how much money I can save, be lucky’ says I and then feign chest pains

‘ooooh’ (groaning) ‘can you do any fink abat power for me pacemaker its a bit dodgy at the mo’

‘Oh no’ she says concernedly and I fake some more pains ‘oooh me chest, gotta go love and find a batt.....’ and I put the phone down.
Giggling to myself I go and make a cup of tea in the kitchen and reward myself with a hob nob, highly amused at my cleverness and ‘improv skills’

Less than 10 minutes later I hear the sirens coming closer and screaming to a stop outside the door bell rings and there is a desperate banging on the door.
I answer it and 2 paramedics and a policeman are looking for a Mr. Nimrodihnio and is he ok.....

In shock I invite them in shamefacedly explain all that has just occurred while my neighbours and various random passersby rubberneck outside while I am dearly wishing the ground would open up and swallow me forthwith.
Susan had apparently desperately tried calling but as I hadn’t returned the phone properly to the cradle and was in the kitchen not hearing the buzzing and not hearing the please hang up was unaware of this. She then phoned 999 hence the visit to ascertain my well being.
I was let off with a severe warning and a lecture on wasting the emergency service time and putting others lives in danger.

3 sincere letters of apology later, I have not been remotely tempted to do any comedy accents on the phones ...or change my energy supplier.
(nimrodihnio making gravy for one., Thu 3 Jun 2010, 16:44, 5 replies)

I've got loads of funny responses
1. Hello this is the magic round arbout you are speaking to dougal
2. Hello this is the vatican you are speaking to the pope
3. Hello this is battersea dogs home
4. Hello this is broadmore home for the criminally insane
5. Hello this is toy town and you are speaking to big ears

The list goes on and on....
(TwinkleFuckingToes Has a ingrown toe nail, Thu 3 Jun 2010, 16:52, closed)

My favourite with 'out of area numbers' is...
Hello, and welcome to the 'unsolicited calls assessment service' all calls to this number will be reviewed and our analysis will be sent to your head office along with our invoice for 'insert figure here' - then take the call and tell them how they could improve it.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 3 Jun 2010, 16:54, closed)

Banana Factory....
...chief bender speaking
(Corbo, Fri 4 Jun 2010, 10:39, closed)

I like this....
Permission to steal?
(TwinkleFuckingToes Has a ingrown toe nail, Fri 4 Jun 2010, 11:20, closed)

He he!
One click!
( splorp ®, Thu 3 Jun 2010, 19:14, closed)

Magic
"Ooo do you say you are?

slowly and loudly ‘SCOTTISH ENERGY’

‘No darling av voted labour all me life I int changing naa’"

brilliant
(mymilkshakebringsallthemongstotheyard poison hearts, poison minds - joining hate, Fri 4 Jun 2010, 7:06, closed)