Joel Veitch
I've said Screw Joel Veitch a couple of times, though I'm not sure it counts as
a)I don't think he's noticed
b)He's not really a celebrity, is he?
(Wonchop Where are your goggles, boy?, Fri 16 Apr 2004, 14:52, Reply)

I'm The Leader...
Few years ago, still living with the parents, used to frequent the scabby old local most nights. Frighteningly enough, this was also the closest pub to Gary Glitter's house (The George, Wedmore, Somerset). Gary used to come in with Martin his obscene and flash manager (Loadsa Money) very occasionally until the nonce rumours started - no sign for months after that.
Well the landlord had a decent sense of humour and a copy of Photoshop, so prominent on the bar there stood a great A4 poster of Mr Shitter with the words 'Wanna be in my gang, kids?' in big bold red letters.
It was a real laugh and all the locals and visitors chuckled every time they walked by. Until one day, just before his trial, our mate Gary popped in for a small one(!). Silence fell as he read the poster. That was the last time the locals of the George ever saw old GG!

Edit - oh, and we used to stand outside his bedroom window singing 'I'm the Paeda of the gang' on the way home from the pub.
( pattwat, Fri 16 Apr 2004, 14:35, Reply)

working on dean st I see my fair share of celebs (including dolph lundgren the other day (!))
one day a coupla years ago I was outside my workplace smoking a fag when who should walk up to me but faded children's tv presenter toby anstis, he opened his mealy little mouth and said in his whiney nasal frankly very gay little voice 'can you tell me the way to carnaby street?'. now, i thought someone like anstiss would know soho like the back of his hand, but nooooo, so i sent him on his merry way, in completely the opposite direction, as far as I know, he's still looking for it, he certainly hasn't been on tv since!
( baby wet ones, Fri 16 Apr 2004, 14:23, Reply)

Tom are you gay?
At a film premiere in London I asked Tom Cruise if he was gay? He pretended to ignore me but must have heard because all the reporters looked over. He then gave me a rude hand gesture.

I have the video evidence to prove it (not the hand gesture unfortunately)

Tom are you gay? (wmv 500kb)

(georgebush666.com, Fri 16 Apr 2004, 14:23, Reply)

More Celebrities than you can shake a stick at
Ahem...first post. I've got a few good 'uns:

Me and a mate went to see Guns'n'Roses years ago, and thanks to the marvel of blagging, found ourselves in the 'VIP' bit of Wembley Stadium. Having crammed as much free booze down our throats as possible, I turned to my mate and said:
"Fuckin hell, there's Jonathan King", to which my mate replied in a very loud drunken voice
"I hate that cunt, where is he?"
The famous kiddy-fiddler was stood directly behind us.........

Another one (not involving me at all sadly). A mate was working the Edinburgh festival doing the bar one year, and who swans in but that cheeky, grinning pop star Marti Pellow. He slimes his way to the bar, a gorgeous woman on each arm, and says "3 gin and tonics" to my mate serving, and then turns his back on her.

My mate pours the drinks and then says "£7.50 please", and is ignored for about a minute. Pissed off, she taps the little bastard on the shoulder, and says, louder, "£7.50 please"

"Don't you know who I am? " (that old chestnut)

"Yup, you're that cunt from Wet Wet Wet. £7.50 please"

Oh, and I once served Dave Prowse a pint when I was working in a pub in Bristol, and just kept saying "You're Dave Prowse" until he stepped away from the bar, looking scared
(fried gold, Fri 16 Apr 2004, 14:08, Reply)

Andrea Corr
I was in the Kitchen in Dublin when I spotted Andrea Corr.

"Hello Andrea" I said and smiled.

She looked at me like I'd just done a shite on her coffee table.

"Do you have ANY idea who I am?" she asked incredulously.

I was a little miffed, so "Sure" I said "Aren't you the bird who serves the chips in Abera-kebabra?"

She had me thrown out.
(mojo_t_monkey, Fri 16 Apr 2004, 14:06, Reply)

Ooooh!
remembered another. Went to see Hundred Reasons/Funeral for a Friend at the Dome in Brighton for the Radio One Live thingys. Anyhoo, I'm standing there with my little gig buddy waiting for the band to come on, and who is standing in front of me, Zane Lowe. Now its fair to say the gig was full of kids, and I mean children with their parents. So all the young girlies are coming up to Zane saying hello and swooning left right and center. To give him credit he was very nice to everyone, and it must be quite annoying being hassled. So I said to my friend, a girl by the way, why don't you grab his arse really hard. So she did. The look on his face was a picture, he was clearly not expecting it. He turned round looking quite shocked to see me and my friend practically crying with laughter.Poor bloke.
He did say I sang good harmonies when I was singing along though, so I think he took it in good humour. Bless the little Antipodean
( D3xt3r Don't take any guff from these fucking swine...., Fri 16 Apr 2004, 14:05, Reply)

It's that t**t Timmy Mallet
Not so long ago I worked for an ISP. Timmy Mallet called for technical support. The tech agent put the phone on mute and shouted to his mate "hey, it's that t**t Timmy Mallet". Only he didn't put the phone on mute. Timmy Mallet got free membership for a few years.

Oh, and I broke Philip Schofield's PC. Oops.
(Fuzzy Mornings, Fri 16 Apr 2004, 13:46, Reply)

Noel Gallagher
Not so much rude as cheeky...
I was in a pub in London a couple of years ago and spotted Noel Gallagher sitting with his girlfriend and some hangers on.

I went over and asked him for his autograph.

He kindly obliged.
Then I said "You couldn't spare a cigarette too, could you?"
His mates started going, "you come over here and interrupt our conversation and ask for his autograph and now you want a fag!"
He thought about it briefly and said "go on then!" and offered me a B+H!

I smoked it and kept the butt as a souvenir!

Surprisingly nice bloke!
(Idid, Fri 16 Apr 2004, 13:46, Reply)

Buerke
Michael Buerke's twin sons were in my year at school (I think one of them followed in dad's footsteps and now reads the news on Channel 5 or something). Anyway, there was a gig at school, featuring loads of school bands. One of his sons was in a band and he came along to watch. A couple of incidents from that event stand out in my mind. Firstly I was running around organisng stuff (I was playing in another band on the bill), I ran through a set of swing doors and almost knocked Mr. Buerke senior to the floor - he looked quite startled, I think it must have hurt.
Secondly, if I recall correctly they were boo'd off stage for playing rubbish indie-goth drivel. Must have been hard for the man to stand and watch his child being humiliated.
( ZoomZoom, Fri 16 Apr 2004, 13:28, Reply)

Quo
Wahey first time i can tell this without fear of reprimand although technically not an insult. Throughout my formative years i worked at a posh (the poshest?) hotel in Brighton when the Quo were performing their come-back tour. Having a master key and few morals i could enter any room and rummage as much as i saw fit. Incidentally i accidentally saw Nina Simone nekkid and visiting stars kept in smokes for years. Anyhoo when the Quo checked out one of them forgot their watch. So i pinched it.
(Gerald the Curious Owl, Fri 16 Apr 2004, 12:58, Reply)

S Club 7 in Porn Shocker!
I was having a birthday drink in a pub in Wilmbledon a few years ago with B3ta's very own Rob Manuel. I had spied that the girls from S Club 7 were in the pub along with the blonde bloke. Anyway, since it was my birthday, Rob goes over to them and asks if I can have my photo taken with so I do. They were very nice and Rachel shoved her tit right into my chest. Not more than 5 minutes later, this lad comes in off the street with a porn mag and starts showing it round everyone in the pub (including S Club) and saying how Hannah looks exactly like the girl on page 6. They left straight away. Bless them
(wattoo, Fri 16 Apr 2004, 12:44, Reply)

Jeremy Beadle
Being 14 and living in a small town I didn't get to see many people "off the telly" . So when out shopping with my grandparents in sunny Hemel Hempstead, I have to rather shamefully admit to being quite excited to see Mr Withered Hand opening a furniture store.

I ran over to join the bunch of younger children clamouring for his autograph. My enthusiasm started to subside as he favoured signing autographs for the little kids, even when it was obviously my turn. I became more vocal to get his attention, but Jezza kept telling me to wait. My grown up retort was "Mr Beadle, you are an utter cunt".

Then I skipped back to my grandparents sans signature, and we went to Wimpy.
(bloodydoorsoff, Fri 16 Apr 2004, 12:35, Reply)

bullying
As a young school girl in oxford, we all used to wait for the bus at the side of school, being generally lairy ( as much as public school girls can be) and pushing each other around the pavement.

Around the time OK computer came out I was a massive Radiohead fan and so was pretty impressed when Thom Yorke walked past a couple of times on his way home. I wanted to share my awe with my schoolfriends but they sadly were more into 911 at the time. The following exchange took place one day when i spotted little thom shuffling down the road towards us.

Me - 'look, it's thom yorke'
Them - 'who?"
Me - 'he's the singer in radiohead'
Them - 'no he bloody isn't'
Me - yes it is, it's the singer in radiohead, it bloody well is, look, he's got a lazy eye!'

At this point, mr yorke, walked past, looked at us, put his thumb on his nose, waggled his fingers and stuck his tongue out. for a long time this was the weirdest thing i'd ever seen. I feel quite bad about this incident now, because even at the age of 13, we were all mostly taller than him and must have been quite intimidating.

I also just remember that I have a friend, who whilst working in a cafe in oxford, elbowed bill clinton out of the way, when he was on a visit to his daughter. i don't think you can beat, shoving the former leader of the free world really. apparently he was quite nice about it.
(Neo Nervosa, Fri 16 Apr 2004, 12:22, Reply)

Hugh Grant Barged
Through the wonders of nepotism, I found myself at the post-production party of Bridget Jones Diary, when who should walk in but ho-bothering gent, Hugh Grant. Anyway, as he made his way through the crowd he jogged my shoulder slightly so I decided that just because he's a film star it doesn't give him the right to physically abuse the common folk. Later on in the evening after I was bladdered on the free Sea Breeze cocktails, I saw him standing, talking to some people and decided the time was right. I barged him with a so-obviously-deliberate bumper cars action that pushed him over the table he was at. Through my alcohol-addled state I remember the look of horror on the other people's faces as I walked off, but the quick glimpse of a frightened Mr Grant who had just been manhandled by a drunk Yorkshireman will haunt me forever. Bless him.
(wattoo, Fri 16 Apr 2004, 12:16, Reply)

stupid hat!
I was in a club a couple of years ago, a little drunk, and finding everything hilarious. Boy George then walked past in ridiculous make up and a spikey orange hat that looked like it was made out of papier mache. I pointed and laughed and he kicked me right in the shin. I had a bruise for about a week after that. I am a girl. What a nasty bummer.

My sister and I also went and laughed at Feeder about three years ago, when they were doing a record signing in HMV to which no one came. I still feel partially responsible for the drummer's suicide...
(Neo Nervosa, Fri 16 Apr 2004, 12:11, Reply)

not me personally

but my uncle used to walk with crutches. he was in a pub one night when the bloke who plays curly watts in corrie said something about cripples. my uncle was only to obliging to knock the cockbadger out.
( mostly harmless John Leslie raped me on, Fri 16 Apr 2004, 11:48, Reply)

a golf/F1 one
Ex F-1 driver Nigel Mansell had spent some of his many millions on a swanky new golf course in Devon. Even though I hate golf, for some reason I went to play there just a few days after the course opened. Nigel happened to be in the shop and took the trouble to come over and personally welcome us and wish us an enjoyable round. What a thoroughly nice man, I thought.

Out on the course I played particularly badly, and ended up venting my frustration by doing wheelspins in the cart on the fairways, churning up the lovely grass and driving right across one of the wet greens, leaving terrible tyre tracks.
That'll teach Nigel for being so bloody nice to twunts like me.
( Biffins Bridge, Fri 16 Apr 2004, 11:38, Reply)