Peter Bowles
Having just done an overnighter to 'get out' one production in the theatre I worked in, we built the stage for the next show in, all very tired.
Mr Bowles came on stage spouting some tosh about how he couldn't work in these intolerable conditions having missed his breakfast or some such.
So I called him a cunt.
(driverchris, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 14:43, Reply)

Almost forgot
I used to live with a girl that had been sick on Dave Gilmour.
(wilby, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 14:37, Reply)

Stephen Tompkinson
I was in Brighton (rubbish place, full of twats) with my work mates and we were queuing for change in an arcade when a lanky bloke with a sheepish expression I vaguely recognised pushed in front with his girlfriend. My tall mate from Barnsley cheerfully bellowed: "OI, TOMPKINSON: BACK OF THE LINE!" Stephen had the decency to look embarrassed though and shuffled off.

(Brighton really is full of uppity trendy twats though. I hope it explodes for no readily apparent reason.)
(MECHALEX, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 14:36, Reply)

back in the early 90s
I used to frequent techno/trance clubs in Manchester. Once they got popular all sorts of people used to show their face. I got chatting to Ed from the Chemical Brothers and asked him where the other one was, the one that looked like Rick Wakeman.

Later that same night, Peter Hook tried to pick a fight with my mate. Was hard to take him seriously as he looked like one of the BeeGees at the time.

More recently I called (admittedly under my breath) David Holmes a twat for not signing autographs and getting someone else to mix records for him.
(wilby, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 14:33, Reply)

Kylie Minogue
I was picking up a few things in the Virgin Megastore in Times Square, New York City. The place was ridiculously crowded, so I figured it was one of their celebrity signing whatevers.

Having made my purchases, I ninja'd my way to the back of the crowd, and asked a record store employee who the honored guest was.

"Kylie Minogue."

"Oh, that 'Locomotion' chick? She sucks canal water," I wittily replied.

The employee started laughing, but gagged it back. I followed his gaze and realized that the autograph table was right behind me, and she was glaring in my direction, having heard every word.

I smiled sweetly, and added "Sorry, but you do." I then made a hasty retreat before the security guys made it for me.
( Rob T Firefly talked, like, William Shatner, on, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 14:31, Reply)

Brian Molko...
Lead singer of Placebo (whom my friends and I think are rather spiffing) made my fiancee's best friend cry by shouting at him when he professed his number-one-fanhood and asked for an autograph in a bar in London a few years back.

My fiancee went over to their table and gave him a black eye, he had to cancel the next 2 gigs. That'll learn 'im!
(WhyteFoxx, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 14:30, Reply)

When i used to work for the BBC
I managed to knock Ant or was it Dec (i never can remember) flying to the ground, hurting his leg. I got away with it because i was dressed as Frankenstein's Monster and monsters always cause havok don't they.
The whole incident went out live on tv i used to have a copy but i lost it.
( Terry Oblong There's nobody here but us chickens on, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 14:28, Reply)

no

(STINK BOMB, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 14:24, Reply)

Jeffrey Archer
was someone my aunt saw cycling once, on one of his "days out" of prison. He rode past these two teenage boys. One said "Blimey, that's Jeffrey Archer" and the other said "Who the fuck's he?"

and then the twunt nearly ran my aunt over.
( Reid got it going on like Donkey Kong, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 14:05, Reply)

A friend of a friend (yeah I know....)
Was at the opening of a film - I think it was at Planet Hollywoods. Anyway Michael Caine was at this "restaurant" and this chap goes up behind him and says "Oi. Don't shoot till you see the whites of their eyes" in his best Michael Caine accent.

Mr Caine turns round and says "Fuck Off!"

On a side note my mate Sean, working at a hotel, had to practically carry a very arseholed Michael Caine up the stairs to his hotel room once.
(Lambkin, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 14:02, Reply)

norman bettison
former police honcho norman is hated around our parts (liverpool) for various reasons and being a general twunt. anyways, he was handing out certificates at our leaving eveing for school, needless to say an hours worth of heckling, chair shuffling on a wooden floor and most refusing to shake his hand got us a right bollocking from our headmaster. worth it tho. twunt
( useless_rocker twitter.com/phillipteague, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 13:56, Reply)

Bonanza!!
Not rude really, but I did once have a shite in Hoss Cartwright (the fat one from Bonanza's) bog, whilst visiting the US of A.
I've dined out on that for years.
(Chillumm, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 13:55, Reply)

s'not rude as such I s'pose
but my parents took me to a book signing thingy with Archbish Desmond tutu when I was about thirteen.

Being eager to seem all "manly" I intended to give him a nice firm handshake, but his hand was a bit of a 'wet lettuce' and I'm sure I felt the bones in his hand actually crunch as I siezed it. He pretended it didn't hurt, but I could see it had.

I went away feeling highly stupid. In a weird twist of fate, I later found out that I am the great nephew of his predecessor, who made the changes in the South African church constitution that allowed a black guy to become archbish in the first place. That made me feel better, for some reason.

that is all
(teasus likes tea, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 13:55, Reply)

Opening party for Cardiff's Toucan Club
I was blazing drunk, and got talking to some guy. He mentioned he was in a band, so I proceeded to jabber on about my band at the time for ages, really talking down to him, telling him we'd won a battle of the bands and everything.

It was the lead singer of the Super Furry Animals.

I still feel like a twat now.
(gavD, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 13:49, Reply)

apparently,
during a night out in brum, i tried picking a fight with a certain dean gaffney (the little boglin street cleaner bloke from eastenders). i don't remember even seeing him though... later on, back at the hotel, my mates shared a lift with him, and called him an ugly little twat, or something similar. nice!
(sunny chiba, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 13:47, Reply)

cheggers plays cock
i'd just flown into gatwick after a holiday in florida (which i had a bit of a bust-up with mickey mouse in one of the disney parks), and i saw keith chegwin. this was a short time after he'd done that naked game show on channel 5, so being a bit tired, my excitement got the better of me and i shouted out "oi, cheggers, get yer cock out!". i don't know who was more embarrased, my friends, cheggers or cheggers' wife and kids. still, we all had a good laugh about it. he thought it less amusing when i asked if he was gonna be getting anything from duty free.

i have also seen t.v.'s statto around london and on a couple of racecourses. having always been the worse for wear, i always end up shouting "it's statto! it's statto!" at him. not really very rude, but quite annoying.
(stinkmonkey, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 13:44, Reply)

East 17 shunned by teens
Not me being rude but fantastic third party celeb-knocking.

I once worked for a Godforsaken Scottish Sunday tabloid and was sent off to interview East 17. After 5 minutes of dull "yeah, we luv our fans up here" tosh they were ushered outside for a photo opportunity with screaming fans. As they did their posing routine in front of the crowd I asked one of the teens why they liked East 17. Her reply? "Who are they? We're all here for PJ and Duncan."
( calgacus Non sum qualis eram bonae sub regno Cynarae, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 13:42, Reply)

Some..
Few random ones, At our uni summer ball a last year some boy band (I forget which, they're all the same to me) played, it was around 1am and needless to say we were tanked so we got loads of paper, made a large 'fuck off' sign and stuck it to our foreheads, went down the front (of only like 200 people anyway) and just screamed 'fuck off' at them over and over until we were removed from the tent!

Ermm also many years back CliffyB of Epic (the guys who make the unreal games) told me to fuck off and stop being a twat in some online chat, I forget why, but I was probably drunk then too.
(Hiltono, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 13:37, Reply)

Ken Dodd...
...about the time he was being sued by the inland revenue for his tax doding antics was opening the Saddleworth Show near where I live.

I turned up and asked for his autograph and gave him a tax return form to sign.

He called me a 'naughty little diddyman'
(Troncmaster, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 13:34, Reply)

Insulting behaviour in front of celebs
Many, many years ago our family went to the local concert hall to see folk group The Spinners. We had front row seats but sadly for them I (being only 4 years old) fell asleep.) Naturally many years later I think this displays excellent taste and would be far more embarrassed if I had actually stayed awake and enjoed the evening.
(Glen Moranjie, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 13:33, Reply)

I once went to a Christening
attended by Arsenal footballer Lee Dixon. Halfway through the service I took off my shirt to reveal a Manchester United shirt and grinned.

I guess this was quite rude, but I was only a little 'un.
(gavD, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 13:33, Reply)

ANZAC baiting
I once waved a fiver at Danni Minogue when very drunk claiming her sister would do it for a tenner. That, and various other drunken antics led to her legging it to a quiet upstairs bit of the bar.

So my mate then moved them all out of their nice quiet table, saying the upstairs area was closing for cleaning. He wasn't staff. Daft bastards.
( SpunkyBackpack, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 13:24, Reply)

In a hotel somewhere...
My mate came up to me in the restaurant, telling me that he'd seen David Seaman in the lift, to which I replied something along the lines of "so? he's just some washed-up footballer cunt!" Little did I know he was sitting within earshot, two tables away...
(Spatula, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 13:21, Reply)

Busted (right in the face...)
I threatened to castrate charlie from busted...

I was at a gig and, quite ridiculously, he was there, pretending to be interested in rock music.
Anyway, I started a conversation with some bloke about how there's a whole host of celebrities who, when I see them on TV, I say things like "If I ever met that twat I'd smack him.". Well, how often are we likely to get these chances handed to us?
So I decided to smack him. Only problem was, I got so overexcited talking about what I was gonna do to him, that I started shouting to be heard over the music.. And he overheard me. And then promtly ran away..
(PsychoApeMan Riding a white pig to the edge of Lapland, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 13:16, Reply)

Robin cook robin cook riding thru the glen
I was at in Edinburgh at the festival, doing that thing where you fully intend to get some proper cultcha, plays and that, and end up going to see a few comedians instead. Me, my beluvvid and my mate were queuing to see some aspirant perrier winner at the pleasance, can't remember who. Earlier, having a pint in the courtyard, we'd seen Robin Cook and his missus wandering around. This was a few years ago, when he was foreign secretary. Anyhoo, while queuing we start slagging the big foreheaded, philandering hawk-monger off for, well, for those qualities I've just mentioned. And we're quite loud about it, a bit pissed and lairy. My mate turns to look at me and his eyes glaze over - I turn and Mr Cook is stood right behind us, fixing us with a gimlet eye (please tell me what this means) and smiling the smuggest, superior and threatening smile I have ever seen. The kind of smile that says 'Little Man, you have no idea about the cut and thrust of realpolitik. Also, there are secret police goons shadowing me disguised as American tourists who can kill you with their eyebrows'.

I gulped and turned away.

And then a couple of years later he goes and makes me feel bad by resigning over Iraq. Whatchagonnado.
(vinnilingus, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 13:09, Reply)

about 3 days ago
i was still on holiday in japan (back now, boo)

walking through harajuku in tokyo when we passed a place where musical instruments were being set up. having had two weeks of sugary japan pop i exclaimed

'shit, some godawful japanese band is going to play some more dire music'

don't say that my sister said. they're standing right behind you!

eep. four angry sets of japanese eyes glaring at me. they obviously understood far more english than i did japanese.

wish i could remember what they were called. they must be big, they had a huge crowd by the time we passed them again. they were quite good too.
( monstrinho do biscoito teeeshurts = www.nogunarmy.com, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 13:07, Reply)

A friend of mine
once smacked Shane McGowan in the face.
It was an accident, and Shane didn't seem to mind much. He just said "Sorry" to my friend, and wobbled off into the distance whilst we stood around gawping.
(tomsk, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 13:06, Reply)

Living in London...
...has given me several rude-to-celebrity tales. Johnny Vegas called me "a fucking cunt" after I bumped into him when coming out of Sound. "If you weren't such a fat ugly fucker I wouldn't have" was my response.

At the album launch for Ash's Free All Angels album, we kept putting condoms (the sinks in the toilets were full of uboot.com promotional ones) in the pints of a couple of blokes of Hollyoaks. They knew it was us, but we just looked at them and mouthed "Cock, cock, cock..." repeatedly at me.

This isn't me, but a mate of mine punched Finley Quaye in the face once over a game of pool.

At Reading Festival 2002, I was backstage interviewing californian nu-metal muppets (hed)p.e, when someone collided into me from behind and spilled one of my (many) free drinks. "Watch it, cunt!" was my response, little realising that it was the fat guy out of D12.

Last year we were out celebrating a mate's birthday at the CroBar, when Kelly Osbourne asked me about my beard (as it is a wonder of facial trimming). After telling me it was "fucking impressive" I responded that it wasn't as impressive "as her ugly gobshite continued existence".

I was drunk, and she was a beast.
(Endjinn, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 13:04, Reply)

This all reminds me of the story of Harold Bishop
This is quite possibly an urban legend, and I make no claims to first hand knowledge of it's authenticity.

If you are in Melbourne(?) and are so minded you can do a tour of the Neighbours set. The tour is conducted by one of the cast of the show and ends with a question and answer session.

On one occasion, the story goes, the actor who plays Harold Bishop was running the tour. A question came from the Audience "Harold, why are you such a fat cunt?" to which he replied, quick as a flash, "Because every time I fucked your mother she gave me a biscuit".

I so want that to be true.
(Philvis, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 12:59, Reply)

Christopher sodding Timothy
Before he got a part in Doctors and signed off the dole he used to stop off at the petrol station where I worked in his shitty battered Saab, buy a pack of Hamlet and spark one up on the forecourt. Needless to say I was very disapointed at such blatent disregard for customer safety, and called him up on the tanoy to tell him what a 'fucking idiot' he was.
Needless to say I got reprimanded for it, but hey? I'm all about the safety, man...
(JoeVOD, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 12:59, Reply)