Richard Whitely
A friend of mine, Tom Parker, was a special "superfan" guest on the last ever Big Breakfast, gawd bless its soul. After the show, one twunt Richard Whitely comes up to the great man, and asks the following.

"Ah, Tom, so you're the superfan, eh?".

"Why yes Richard, I am", Tom replies.

"So, how many times have I been on the show eh, eh?".

"I don't actually care, Richard," replies Tom.

"Ha! Ha!" says Whitely, in a joshing manner, as if reading the rudeness as a joke as no one would ever be rude to someone who commands as much respect as Richard Whitely. He then leaves, looking bemused.
(The Secret 7000 ...join us. www.secret7000.co.uk, Fri 16 Apr 2004, 11:38, Reply)

Nick Faldo
When I was 13 was at this *fun* golf tournament Oregon that my daftly-rich uncle got free tickets for...

After a day being bored shitless trogging around this course full of overpaid biggirlsblouses in crap trousers, I thought I'd pretend to disregard the (incidentally amusing) sign that said "No autographs between holes" and ask Mr. Nick Faldo for his scribble on a bit of this rubbish free hat (the ones with many slats in that always look shit).

He replied under his breath in a Swiss-Tony-meets-wise-wizard-type way "You know the rules... I'm not about to make an exception after that last shot..."

So as my uncle was out of sight I feigned 'Spoilt rich British kid who always gets own way or Daddy will have him shot', pretended to cry and call him "most unfair!" in an awful imitation of some Just William character (difficult in Britain with my strong Barnsley accent... easy in the US where everyone thinks Barnsley's in 'Scotchland'). He swiftly tried to make amends and we ended up doing an uncomfortable dance where my crap hat eventually got a sort of cross of blue biro on it.

That's about it really.

EDIT - REALISED THIS IS NOT TEHNICALLY AN INSULT. SORRY. WILL SAVE FOR WHEN THE QUESTION OF THE WEEK IS 'WHAT'S THE MOST UNCOMFORTABLE DANCE YOU'VE EVER HAD?'
(ichabod_cooper, Fri 16 Apr 2004, 10:55, Reply)

I was in Stringfellows one night
I'm not proud of that, but it is relevant (and someone else way paying). Anyway, through my drunken double vision I spot Damon Hill and his best mate Leo Sayer. Leo walks over to the bar to get a drink and happens to be stood next to my boss who is even more drunk than me. My boss spots him and slurs "oi, aren't you Leo Sayer?". Leo smiles in a I've-just-been-recognised-kind-of-way and says "Yes I am". My boss replies, "You know what [BURP] . . you make me feel like dancing."
Oh, Leo.
(>NARF! Quality WTF chimp action, Fri 16 Apr 2004, 10:53, Reply)

Way back when...
I was a young, footloose, fancy free young man, still in my native Newcastle, and a cousin of mine had a birthday, a tradition he carries out every year, at about the same date. As was the style of the times, he celebrated by going out on the razzle dazzle, with a large group of family and friends, including me. As the night wore on we grew more emotional, and so turned our faces to one of the more expensive nightclubs in town hoping to dance in a way that would gain us such pity with the ladies that they'd do some sex on us.
Earlier that day, Newcastle United had lost a game of football, which in those days was more of a rarity than today, but nonetheless, the players also went out on the lash after. In those days, two of the most popular players at the club were Big Alan Shearer and Sir Lesley Ferdinand. These two players had the same idea as us and were trying to get into the club. I was stood in the doorway, waiting for friends and family who were busily redecorating the pavements, and watched in amusement as the bouncers refused entry to Alan and Les (as I now call them). They had lost that day, ergo they were not allowed in. This, you'll remember, was in the days when bouncers had the power of life and death over everyone in the city after nightfall.
I spent a good few minutes flicking the V's at Newcastle's number 9 and 10, taunting them for not being able to drink in a pretentious and overpriced Geordie drinking pit. I think the experience changed them, because a mere 7 years later, Newcastle got into the semi-finals of the UEFA Cup, thanks in part to a goal by Alan Shearer. Co-incidence? You decide.
This may be a terrible story, but we're in the semi-finals of the UEFA Cup, so there!
( Geordie Al, Fri 16 Apr 2004, 10:49, Reply)

As a young lad in Hong Kong...
my younger brother and I spent a few boring days being dragged around the golf course. The occasion? The Hong Kong Open tournament. Our dad, a serious amature golfer, had been asked to caddy for Tony Jacklyn and was having a great time.

So... it was towards the end of the second day and Greg Norman was not doing particularly well. Many dropped shots and way over par. One attempt at sinking his final shot on one hole on the back nine finishes with his ball creeping past the cup and coming to rest a few feet away. Clearly irritated, he lines up his final putt and the crowd goes quiet in expectation. Not a sound from the gathered public, fellow pros, media and such.

He taps the ball... and misses again. In the subsequent silence my brother pipes in the way only a five-year-old can.

"Look mummy, the man's missed again!".

The Great White Shark was not best pleased.
(kittenpusher, Fri 16 Apr 2004, 10:35, Reply)

a little while ago now, when Stiltskin were at the height of their one-hit career...
I went to Virgin Megastore after scool to see a very small gig. Got there very early, and ended up stood right at the front - about a couple of feet from the singer (no stage - very small gig). Not being a big fan of the band anyway I was most unimpressed. I stood with a bored-shitless expression, looking at my watch and yawning. (I must have been about 14). After they played i got them to sign my free poster. I specified to the lead singer "Can you sign this for my sister ? - She's in an exam and couldn't make it" I also Yawned at Slipknot when i saw them before they were well-known, one of the band-members waggled his finger at me in a "Don't yawn at our band." kind of a way. I couldn't help it. They were shit.
(CaptainMonkeyPants Doesn't care for it at all., Fri 16 Apr 2004, 10:30, Reply)

I've started so I'll finish
I had won a competition a few years ago and got to meet Magnus Magnusson (such joy) and a behind the scenes tour of a local attraction. So I was talking to another winner when the bold Mr Magnusson interrupted us asking us to move on. Cue the "I've started so I'll finish!! Thank you" and finished off our conversation.
( Dugs - The artist formerly known as Dugsybaws, Fri 16 Apr 2004, 10:25, Reply)

News just in...
...I work (well, when I say work, I'm at work right now!)for an insurance company which has gone through a couple of mergers over the past few years. They have now learned their lesson, but the first time we merged, the company treated ALL staff to a 'Brand Day' in Brum, with motivational videos (our new ad featured 'We can be heroes' by Bowie), top bods being questioned by media celeb and free booze and a dinner dance after plus a room for the night.

Well, poor Micheal Buerk (for it was he). One of his comments was "I thought journalists and politicians drank a lot until last night!!" (I was at the 2nd of 3 events). Everyone got totally wasted, and one of my few memories of that night is staggering against Michel Buerk in the gents, while tying to get my dick back in my trousers, laughing hysterically in his face, leaning on his shoulder and saying "sorry mate, I fink I'm a bit pished, can you call 999?"

...not surprisingly, the coach journey home from Brum to York the next morning was THE most horrendous journey of my life.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Fri 16 Apr 2004, 10:25, Reply)

Peter Stringfellow
Me and a mate were walking in the West End a few years ago, and saw Peter Stringfellow coming out of a Tesco Metro. We both shouted "Oi Wanker!" and the useless tosspot actually turned round to look at us. Knows his name then.
Oh, and I sung carols outside Brough Scotts house once. Gave me 50p.
(Pandster, Fri 16 Apr 2004, 10:19, Reply)

Not that great this but...
I was in a queue for a resteraunt a few years ago and Mike Hallett the alcoholic snooker player tried to jump it. My friend confronted him and he said "Don't you know who I am? I'm Mike Hallett the snooker player!" To which my friend replied "Well I'm Jim the welder and you can wait like everyone else you drunken bastard"

Oh...that's not funny
(I'm afraid of wet bread, Fri 16 Apr 2004, 10:12, Reply)

Paul McCartney's dog
When I was but a nipper in the local Scouts, we were hiking across Romney Marsh and found a lost dog. It had a tag round it's neck asking to return the dog to a nearby house. So being good Scouts we took it to the house which wasn't too far away, and who opened the door but Linda McCartney.

She was quite grateful for us finding the dog and invited us in. Somone piped up, "Is Paul in?". When she said no, we said we'd give it a miss then...
(mattrad, Fri 16 Apr 2004, 10:08, Reply)

I once saw Mr Motivator running through boston
promoting a new video and i shouted that he was a 'useless bandana wearing cunt'.. but he ignored me , or didn't hear me
(smoglane!, Fri 16 Apr 2004, 10:03, Reply)

Gingerness
At the Phoenix festival, many moons ago when Chris Evans was at the height of his fame, he came and sat down by my campfire when me & my girlie were coming down off acid.

He smiled and started to speak, so I leapt to my feet and screamed "You are an unfunny ginger cunt" at the top of my voice.

He looked extremely angry since about 2000 people were watching and then he got up and stomped away.

I'm not proud of tha.... oh, wait. Yes I am.
( pilchardboy, Fri 16 Apr 2004, 9:34, Reply)

I told
Damon Hill he was a cunt in a pub in Southampton. I think I was right.

Oh and I told the woman who sang downtown she was an old slapper, can't remember her name though.
( DrPoppers Touched by his noodly appendage, Fri 16 Apr 2004, 8:14, Reply)

I tried to spit
on Zinedine Zidane last year at Old Trafford.
And I also showed Brett Lee my penis in the Ashes.Damn aussie ape.
(manicbranic, Fri 16 Apr 2004, 4:56, Reply)

Yes I have
I kicked Fat Cat (kids TV, guy in a big cat suit) in the shins because he took my shoes.
(Tallywhacker the aussie spacker, Fri 16 Apr 2004, 4:40, Reply)

Told one of atmic kitten to get fucked...
having a bad day... looking for a book i needed in W.H Smiths. Very busy, too many kids.
Unknowingly i'd wander into an atomic kitten signing.

I hurry past the crowd towards the books. Then i see a pretty girl walking towards me.I assume it's a very fit fan... She Barges past me, elbow first... keeps walking on.
i reply "apology accepted!"...

I get a very loud 'tut' as suddenyl WH Smiths goes quiet... she turns round and gives me a very "SMARMY" grin.

My response: "Get fucked"...

Gasps

I buy book. Leave.
(Kayozz, Fri 16 Apr 2004, 3:25, Reply)

Woo, news just in.
I work a block away from the Anaheim Angels stadium (major league baseball team) and 2 blocks from the Arrowhead Pond (where the Mighty Ducks hockey team plays).
Every night I pop across to the bar across the street on my dinner break and I'm talking to the barman, Joe who I usually close up with on a night.
So there's two other guys at the bar, and we're hanging out and just chatting and Joe is laughing his ass off. I ask Joe what he finds funny and the two guys ask if I know who they are (in a non poncy way).
Turns out one of 'em plays for the Mighty Ducks and the other one is a broadcaster on Fox Sports News.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Fri 16 Apr 2004, 3:21, Reply)

Not so much a celeb..
but some VIP's wifey. I had got a prize for metalwork or some such at Skool, and so was invited to Prize Evening bash. Now, Skool had decided to make a big deal of it, with the Mayor and several civic types invited. I was in the row behind them.
We had to stand to sing The Skool Song (posh, eh), and as everyone stood up, I dropped the songsheet. I bent down to pick it up, the poshess in front stood up- *BAM*
I nutted her right on the top of the head and shouted "OH JESUS FUCK!!"
She collapsed, and much hilarity ensued...
(sorry for bigness.. :) )
( hplasm, Fri 16 Apr 2004, 2:36, Reply)

Threats from Tony Slattery
My friend was not only rude to Tony Slattery, he received threats of physical violence:

Two years ago, Tony Slattery of recent 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire' and crap sitcom fame came to a Cambridge Footlights (comedy) show.
Afterwards, my chum Pete was standing at the bar, stating his opinion that Tony was a drug-addled washed-up failure. Unfortunately during this time Tony entered the room, took offense, and proceeded to tell Pete "my, friend, you have a voice that carries".
More sycophantic listeners managed to charm Tony out of his phone-number, which Pete then acquired.
About a week later, Pete's comedy sketch in the college bar culminating in a rant about Mr Slattery, giving out his phone no. and suggesting that a few well worded text messages might push him to another breakdown. However, someone held their phone up to the speaker for much of the performance, leaving Tony a lengthly answer-phone message.
The next day, Pete received an answer-phone message of his own:
"Hello Peter, have you ever picked up your teeth with broken fingers? It's not fun"
(Tommy G, Fri 16 Apr 2004, 2:09, Reply)

Does this count?
homepage.ntlworld.com/martin.purcell1/owned.rm

last year. kelly osbourne. bottles of piss. direct hit.

alas i didnt catch the bottle throwing on video, as i was too busy throwing bottles of my own piss, which, i hasten to add, reached their target

need i say more?
( lo, the Greebo Warrior - Est. 2002, Fri 16 Apr 2004, 1:17, Reply)

at a promoters-only gig last year
i was rather pissed, and revelling in the delights of free entertainment, and student-uni priced alcohol, while waiting patiently at the bar for service, i notice some leary shortarse forcign his way through the queues to get a drink.

gracefully barging his way past me with an elbow to the stomach, i grabbed the little cunt by the shoulder and loudly proclaimed "oi you little shit, who the fuck do you think you are?"

its at this point i realise that im accosting mark owen (he of 'Take That' fame), and that quite a few people had stopped what they were doing to see what was going on.

With what can only be described as a scornful womans look, he says back "I'M mark owen", to which I, being absolutly pissed, replied "i couldnt give a fuck if you were the pope himself, you can still wait your turn like the rest of us".

tsk, give a ponce a few #1's and a couple of lambrini's (his drink of choice - FACT) and he thinks he's eric fucking clapton....
( lo, the Greebo Warrior - Est. 2002, Fri 16 Apr 2004, 0:55, Reply)

I
tripped up Bill Oddie whilst he was out jogging past the natural history museum. I say tripped, more of a case of small enough not to be seen and tumbled over really. I later went on to learn how to fish and exagerate things.
( Steerable_forehead Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration,don't fail me now, Fri 16 Apr 2004, 0:43, Reply)

Last one, I promise
I once told Les Dennis to fuck off. Sit down and let me tell you a story.....

While at college doing performing arts, we were told that we were going to get a special visitor that day. Normally these people were experts in their field, and we usually learnt a lot from them.

I was informed that this time I would the find that the visitor particularly helpful. Why? Is it a consultant psychiatrist? I humorously quipped.

No, it was an expert in comedy. I was quite pleased as comedy was very much the last thing that we ever looked at on our course.

During the day we heard rumours that the visitor was none other than talentless, shortarse, impressionist of people who are no longer on the telly, dumped by his missus for a younger model - Les Dennis!

As you can probably tell, I am not the chairman of his fan club......

When my friend and me walked into the room to see who it was, all of the expectant faces of the tutors turned towards me and beamed triumphantly.

Both of us saw who it was, and in front of a hushed theatre said loudly

"Oh fuck it really is that talentless twat Les Dennis"

The winning smile in his face quickly faded.

I hope that he remembers that, I really do.
( trev Is not interested in your fripperies, Fri 16 Apr 2004, 0:36, Reply)

Thought of a couple more....
While doing work experience in the publicity department at the Leadmill in Sheffield, I answered the phone to one Richey Edwards from the Manic's.

I had spoken to James Dean Bradfield earlier in the week, and he was a very nice chap. (This was before they were really famous) Anyway Richey eventually gave the "Do you know who I am?" speech, as he was not getting the answers that he wanted. So I answered promptly, that yes I knew who he was, that his fellow band member was much more polite and they would probably get more help if he called.

He told that he could get me fired.

Me: Doubt it mate, I am student working here for nowt, so it would make it very difficult to get me fired then, wouldn't it?

I hung up before I could hear his reply.

As I hung up on him, I was fully expecting to be given my marching orders (it would have been worth it!) But they all started clapping and saying that they had all spoken to him on different occasions and wished that they could do what I had just done, but they were employees. They never told anyone else, as I would probably have been in trouble. Very cool people, and no mistake.
( trev Is not interested in your fripperies, Fri 16 Apr 2004, 0:28, Reply)

Bonnie Langford. I'm so ashamed.
I live a few doors away from Bonnie Langford (ginge, Dr Who, Just William, and lately, Through The Keyhole panellist) and a while ago i was discussing this with housemates, one of them being a smart arse decided to go onto 192.com and find her house number just to prove he could. He did, and then posted her address on the bulletin board bit of her website. Which was then removed, although not for a couple of weeks. She's now moving house, although i hope (suspect) this may be unrelated. Probably better panto oppurtunities elsewhere.

So sorry Bonnie. I didn't mean to drive you from your home.
(I_Am_Kloot Cock Piss Partridge, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 23:55, Reply)

Not amazing like...
I was pissed in some toilets and seen that some twunts from Hollyoaks were in there so I decided to say, or shout, how shit it was so they could hear me...well I can't have been that offensive really cos they picked me up off the floor when I fell over later on in the night MEH!
(Emmatron, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 23:48, Reply)

A bit shit
But when Peter Kay was recording the music for Phoenix nights in the studio I was doing some work experience in he asked me if I was alright when I walked in the door. I hadn't actually expected to see him but since I don't like him I sort of mumbled, went and made myself a massive cup of tea and grabbed some biscuits then brazenly walked past him without offering a brew to himor even looking at him (apart from the sneaky over the shoulder glance as I went through the door, I could tell he really wanted a brew)
(||lll||ll||lll|| ||lll||ll||lll||, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 23:48, Reply)

it's magic!
We pointed and laughed quite obviously at Paul Daniels and Debbie MacGee in PC World (Reading) a year ago. He was wearing a pathetic khaki money belt type-thing and she was caked in orange makeup.

She thought we were giggling because we were fans until she 'got' the joke. They left the store.

Incidentally, their Rolls was parked in he carpark,but we resisted the strong urge to break the law.
(bunnymad, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 23:17, Reply)

When I was about five and at a panto
I was called up to the stage along with a load of other little kiddiewinkles. In 1982 Michael Barrymore couldn't apparently tell the difference between a boy and a girl.

He called me a girl. I told him off.

and fishing around a pile of junk at my mom and dad's I came across Johnny Ball's Think Box - a book of puzzles and things to make by the great man himself (circa 1980)
( whelkboy is old now, you see, Thu 15 Apr 2004, 23:12, Reply)