german speaking tests...
so i've just completed a german mock i was sure to fail. but i didn't of course, and it was all thanks to my...legs?!? i managed to fit six questions, in full flowing german, from the edge of my skirt up towards my hip....ahh that C feels good!

pop goes the posting cherry!
(littlebusstudiesone, Thu 24 Nov 2005, 13:24, Reply)

Its a dog eat dog world
I was at college doing my HND (Higher National Diploma) in Marketing and we were approaching our exam week. After our first exam, I noticed that at the start of the exam the invigilators didnt check us for cheating materials or even patrol the classroom as they should do. Infact, they even let us bring AND use our own writing paper from outside. *lightbulb sparks above head*. Banking on our invigilators future laxness on my forthcoming exams, I duly went home and wrote hundreds of notes on lined paper which I then inserted in the middle of my a4 wrting pad which I duly produced onto my desk at the start of the exam and used quite fragrantly during the course of my exam. I used this method for all my exams and passed with flying colours! (the guilt wears off very quickly). What a bunch of invigilating fuckwits!!. If you think that was bad, my mate (doing the same exams as me) dictated his materials onto the voicemail of his phone the night before and wore his handsfree during the exam and was able to access his voicemail and copy his notes from his dictation. The invigilators let him keep his phone and handsfree on him during the exam, no questions asked!!! I knew his game, and couldnt help chuckling quitely when ever i heard a small electronic pip (that his ercicsson phone used to make) meaning he was accessing his cheating material from his voicemail . I heard that pip well over 55 times in two hours. (Yes I counted them, as I had finished my exam in 30 mins, thanks to my 'notes', and had to sit there for the remainder of the exam). No one understood what I found so funny, apart from me and him. We're devious cunts arent we.

Anyhow, that exam gained me entry to Uni where I took and passed my degree (I did also cheat in an exam there too..but I'll post that later) and got me gainful employment. My motto is...if you can get away with it then do it. Just make sure you are stealthy, as I have seen cheats who are as obvious as a penis on a forehead get caught.

Sorry for speklling mistakes, cant be arsed to spell check.

ps- does anyone know why if you cheat on your gf it doesnt feel nowhere near as bad as when your gf cheats on you?
(CaptainFellatioNelson is trying to kill me, Thu 24 Nov 2005, 12:22, Reply)

This QOTW is a personal attack on me
Because I was a lovely little boy. In grade four I was falsely accused for cheating on my SRA cards. The fact was I had excellent reading and comprehension skills and was able to move way ahead of the class. Once I had been branded a cheat that one time, for some reason I became one. From that day on I have cheated at everything - exams, all facets of my work and home life and on my wife with various women and men. I now force myself to work the worst dead end jobs I can find where there is nothing to steal or cheat anyone out of as my penance. B3ta it does not make me feel better. Only a fried egg sandwich does that.
(rodgerroop, Thu 24 Nov 2005, 11:43, Reply)

employee12754's story reminds me...
... of my own story, where my very own sister chose to drop me in it for no reason whatsoever.

Back in the good old days of primary school and not having to worry about much at all, round about 1986, it was another normal start to another normal day. Or so I thought.

Just settling down to breakfast, I was eating my usual bowl of rice-crispies whilst my big sister sat opposite me at the kitchen table, munching on her own brand of cereal. I forget which brand, but she was eating it particularly slowly this morning.

The fact we displayed such brand loyalty is pivotal to what happened next. I finished off my bowl and proceeded on to whatever I did next in my kiddies morning routine, and left my sister still slowly breaking her fast at the kitchen table. Next thing I know, I being yelled at and walloped for what I can surmise, was absolutely no good reason at all. Upon being hauled through to the kitchen again, I am shocked to see milk and Crispies of the Rice variety strewn all over every surface and worktop in our kitchen! My sister had waited til I left the breakfast table then created a mess using my cereal.

She admits to it now, nearly ten years hence, and we can all have a good laugh about it.

Yes, a good laugh...

2nd post. No apols for crapness.
(Dr_Faustus filius of a femina canis, Thu 24 Nov 2005, 11:11, Reply)

I had a girlffriend...
... and a threesome. and the gf was not one of them.

she still doesn't know.
( bierbelly, Thu 24 Nov 2005, 10:28, Reply)

it begins quite young
The following story is a true story of how one little boy learned at the tender age of four that women are not to be trusted, how the genders differ fundamentally and how women though considered the weaker species by some ignorant dopes out there are in fact cunning shrewd devious sneaky cheaty things.

The tale begins and ends during the late sixties in an average living room in an average three bedroom house on an average suberban estate in an average part of southern Ireland. The breadwinner is away winning bread and the proud housewife tends proudly to the housework while the then three children play in their childlike way at this and that. The eldest upstairs reading her book while the younger two, a boy aged four and a cute little girl aged three a glance at whom one would suspect her mouth to be a place where butter could not possibly melt, played between themselves downstairs.

It was alsmost time for father to arrive home and as it was friday the two youngest had become sometimes accustomed to recieving small sweet edible pressies every so often, generally coinciding with pay day for the man of the house. They waited hopefully and patiently.

Sure enough the working man returned with two distinctly different packets of sweeties for his two little miracles. 'here you go young man' he said to mark, the little boy, 'your favorites', 'and here you go too maggie my pet, your favs aswell' delight ensued and father went to another room to greet his wife and do the usual things that he would do on his return from the workplace.

What occured next left Mark permanently scarred for many years and unable to trust females and is it no wonder . . . . you see what happened was this . . . Maggie turned to Mark and says in her three year old language . . . 'hey maky, we swop sweeties today for a change?'

poor innocent thick ignorant mark forever wanting to please his baby sis saw no problem with this and says . . . 'ok mag mags, here you go.' Mark recounts the next episode thusly, Maggie, normally a slow thoughtfull diner literally shoved one sweet after another into her gob chewing and swallowing simultaneously while Mark looked on in awe, his packet as yet untouched... 20 or so seconds passed and maggie now stood over an empty sweet packet smiling at poor stoopid fuckwitted mark still clueless as to the little demons plan. She began to cry, a loud bawl getting the father up from his cup of tea to investigate what the woe was . . . he entered to room to see maggie bawling, an empty sweet packet and Mark holding the full packet of the sweets that he had given to her, her favourites.... 'Mark ate all my sweets' maggie blubbed through reptilian tears . . . WHAT ! excalimed the father as he snatched the packet from mark clipped him round the ear and handed them to his innocent wronged widdul baby girl before leaving the room and getting back to his tea.

Maggie proceeded to slowly eat one sweet after another in a very teasing manner in front of Mark, rubbing her belly and mmmm mmmm mmmmming all the way, waving each one around for a bit before munching it.

the little bitch.

She of course laughs now when the story is told and claims not to remember her cheating ways as an infant, Mark however has never forgotten. He has learned to trust and married several years ago and now has two young ones of his own. He is always sure to conduct thurough investigations when his judicial capacity is called upon mind you.






no apologies for length and you will learn to like in an odd way the cheesy whiff
(The Cats Twat, Wed 23 Nov 2005, 20:59, Reply)

Cheating a £bn business isn't really cheating, is it?
Last summer, and as Skipper for my Football team, I was responsible for organising the big end of season bash. It was decided that due to various 'incidents' involving fighting, bouncers, ejections from nightclubs, hospital and a police station, the year before, it would be safer to host the bash at the Gaffer's house, in a big BBQ stylee.

So, having collected £20 a head for 'supplies', off me and my chum (who plays right midfield if any Hunton Bridge FC members are reading) went to Tesco.

Arriving at the tills with a trolley load of meat, bread, salad, etc etc, and another trolley load containing 6 crates of lager, we flirted outrageously with the (specially selected due to her being the 'fittest') checkout girl. When it came to the second trolley, she said to us "just give me one crate and I'll ring it up 6 times". We handed over the crate, the other 5 safely stored in our trolley, and awaited the damage.

Expecting a bill of around £250, we were amused to hear "that'll be £140" (ish -I can't remember exactly how much). Both desperately keeping a straight face, and trying not to blow our cover in the realisation that she'd only rung in 1 of the crates of lager we paid her, thanked her, and did one.

We both left £50 up having decided not to tell our teammates because it would be so complicated refunding all their money (ha ha), and to this day my mate and I still don't know whether the tilltart had deliberately only rung in 1 of the crates because she fancied us, or whether she was just a dumb blonde who didn't know what she was doing.

We like to think it was the former, even though sadly, in reality it was probably the latter.
(Waddo, Wed 23 Nov 2005, 19:11, Reply)

Just a couple of them...
Some neighbours had a poker night not long back and me and my friends went along. We were split up into teams and played a few hands when I realised that my team was quite possibly the cheatiest team ever. We were playing 2s wild, but even so I had to struggle to keep a straight face when I announced we had five aces.

Also the missus runs a pub which had a big prize draw for a weekend away. Since it's quite a touristy pub and doesn't have many regulars, only I had been acquiring prize draw tickets for weeks and weeks before. On the night of the draw itself, more than three quarters of the tickets in the hat had my name on the back. Of course I won, and took the missus to Worcester.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Wed 23 Nov 2005, 17:20, Reply)

The joys of being different.
Because of my "special" status (only Dyspraxia, by the way. I'm not a complete 'tard) i've been allowed extra time for exams and a computer to do them on for years. So a few years ago, when in was still doing (or 'dinf' as i originally typed. God i'm a spack) my A-levels, they set up a laptop in a little room and left me there to do a history exam. Yes that's right. Left me there. Alone. Unwatched. Out comes the mobile phone, out go the texts, etc, etc.

Unfortunately, the only guy who cared enough to reply in time was an old online mate of mine who wasn't as clever as i thought he was, so i still only got a C. Still, it could have worked.

A couple of days later i had a law exam so persuaded a mate to sit by his phone with a textbook in front of him, but there was an invigilator there that time so i never got the chance again. Balls.
(MrTrent cannot think of a clever sig., Wed 23 Nov 2005, 17:04, Reply)

Minty Hit
I shit you not. I haven't had much of a rock n roll life, but the most exciting/stupidist stuff I've ever done was all crammed into the one year spanning the GSCEs/sixform cross over.

I have very little memory of this time, and rely on the information of other, more sensible people.

My life has been very boring in the 7 years since then.
(That Boy Joe, Wed 23 Nov 2005, 16:50, Reply)

The Brigadier
An exam on Acid... writing upside down... pull the other one!
(Minty Hit, Wed 23 Nov 2005, 14:29, Reply)

A couple of weeks back three friends and I went out for a meal to celebrate my birthday.
We went to a nice little Italian place in Manchester and stuffed ourselves silly, three courses, wine, champagne, the lot.

They brought us the wrong bill at the end of the night though, it obviously belonged to someone who'd had a nice meal for two. And it was about £70 cheaper than the one we were expecting.

So we paid that one, left a nice tip, and quickly buggered off to fritter away the money we'd just saved on booze to celebrate our good fortune.
(DeeDee, Wed 23 Nov 2005, 14:12, Reply)

school/college/uni..
Google did my homework for years.
(destroy advertising, Wed 23 Nov 2005, 13:52, Reply)

Cheats
I'm a lawyer.

Job done.
(Mediaslut, Wed 23 Nov 2005, 13:48, Reply)

Drugs? Cheating???
I also did Science Double Award. I did it while on something called 'acid'. Taking a break from shooting a bow and arrow into crowds, I was cheating in exams, fiendishly copying a friends text book.

Thing is I had the text book upside down. I was slightly worse for wear, having done a purple microdot, the second strongest type of acid availible to 15 year olds in Milton Keynes at the time.

Every bit of text I wrote, and every picture I copied I copied perfeclty. Upside down.

(Edit: Still passed though. Double B. Get in.)
(That Boy Joe, Wed 23 Nov 2005, 13:03, Reply)

INsurance cheating
When 18 - wanted a new pair of skis. Went to a store, photographed myself with a new pair of skis and some boots. Went home, smashed window in garage and jammed a screwdriver into the lock on the door. Reported a theft to the police and tried to claim insurance...assesor comes for a visit. Notes policy only valid for three weeks before said theft, looks around our house and wonders how a student with not a lot of income and no receipts for gear stolen could afford $1,500 of ski equipment - he asks me outright whether I have done this to get some new skis from the insurance company....I could only turn bright red and nod....bad at lying (then, not now) and bad at cheating.

I got away with it though....
(essbeenz there done that, Wed 23 Nov 2005, 13:01, Reply)

Earth, v1.1(C)verylongtimeago
I believe that on the sea bed of the deepest part of the deepest ocean there rests the keyboard God wrote the world with. I intend to hit the tilda key and activate the console (which will, naturally, cover half the sky).

Why? Quite simple.
-God mode
-Infinite money
-idkfa
-Spawn NPC [Liv Tyler] x1, grid reference [my house]
(Cheesecake Like a cake...But cheese, Wed 23 Nov 2005, 11:46, Reply)

GCSE or not GCSE
When I was at school we had to do Dual Award Science which if passed gave you two whole GCSEs.

I was fairly rubbish at Science and truth be known, school all together.

Anyway, we all had to submit coursework for each Science subject but only our best grade from any of our three bits of coursework went towards our final mark. Being the complete slacker that I was I handed in none for any of these subjects.

My luck however was in on the day that we were to submit our Physics coursework. Our usual teacher was on temporary leave due to stress. So when his incompetent stand-in collected the coursework he noticed that one piece did not have a name on it. Seizing my opportunity I claimed it as my own and duly received 89% for my Dual Award Science GCSE coursework!
Overall I ended up with a 'CC' grade, but also managed to scrape another three 'C' grades (see what an amazing academic I was) which enabled me to continue on to A-Levels.

I did find out who’s coursework I had claimed a number of years on and fortunately because of the policy of your best coursework mark being applied he managed 70% in Chemistry... but obviously he did know what he was talking about so pulled out a 'BB' in Dual Science.

Morale of the story, cheat when you can and you too can escape being branded a mong, well until you let everyone know that you're really just a spawney spaz.
( @><|= w0nu!) or cunt to my friends, Wed 23 Nov 2005, 10:06, Reply)

cheating the old surf control
We have surf control at work , which is meant to block non-work related sites. I don't know how it works but if you add a full stop to the end of the address -so www.b3ta.com. it cheats the surf control..

Do any techies know how this works?
(uptonogood, Wed 23 Nov 2005, 10:02, Reply)

I wanted to take latin in HS...
...but ended up being forced to take Spanish by my parents. Apparently they thought it'd be useful since I live in Texas.

Anyway, the teacher was big on busywork, which I obviously couldn't be bothered to do. Thing was, you were supposed to put it in a big pile of work next to the door when you were done at the end of the period. Of course, we weren't her first class, so every day I'd walk in, grab a paper off the top of the pile and copy it back at my desk, then slip it back in the middle somewhere. Mine went on the top. Tada.

Exams were worse. We had lunch in the middle of the period, and she was usually gone in the few minutes before class started, so I'd grab a copy of the exam off her desk and shove it in my bag, along with my textbook. I'd use the book to do the entire test at lunch, marking the proper answers off on a bit of scrap paper in a code. One dot for A, two for B...etc. I usually didn't have time to find them all, so I never got a perfect score.

Got a B in the class, though.
(inevitable_doom, Wed 23 Nov 2005, 5:56, Reply)

Spot the difference
My mum wanted to enter a spot the difference compo to win tips on knitting (or some such) so I scanned the two images in and using layers in PSP faded them in and out making the differences immediately apparent. I destroyed what could have provided minutes of fun in the urge to be the best.
( sock more tea vicar?, Tue 22 Nov 2005, 23:57, Reply)

I cheated in this QOTW
by making this answer up.
(Slurpy The Frog, Tue 22 Nov 2005, 22:30, Reply)

Tears and summer holidays
My parents were strict when I was younger. They shouted at me when I was 14 for getting B's and C's on my report (there were some A's too!).

I got a right telling off for that. Summer was ruined for me. I was guilt-tripped into not going out or having any sort of fun - Constantly reminded that I was a failure and unless I put more effort in next year my life would go down the drain.

Damn, it irritates me now thinking about how awful I felt that summer. Anyway I sure as hell wasn't going to get into the same situation the following holiday, and was more determined than ever to hand over a report gleaming with A's. So what was the next thing I did when I returned back to the delights of education the following September?


.
.
.



Went to the local PC store and I bought a scanner. Not one report after was left un-doctored. A healthy mixture of A's and A/B's were presented to my parents, hot off the press.

The following holidays were fun again, and the extra pocket money for succeeding soon covered the cost of the the scanner. The rest bought me new SNES games which provided hours of smug fun. Lush.
(NickXX, Tue 22 Nov 2005, 21:30, Reply)

Not cheating but a good scam
When i was at secondery school, there was a lot of canabis being bought and sold.Being a bit of a miser, i refused to buy it but i did prey on the unwitting retards who wanted it. At home i found some herbal tea bags. (can you see where this is going) i put about 3 of the tea bags` contents into a re sealable bag and sold it to a 'weed expert' at school for £2. I thought after I sold it I would get caught so decided that it was the 1st and last time. Tuesday rolls around and up comes my expert. readying myself for a beating I tryed to talk my way out of it. What came next knocked me for 6!! "can i have some more of that gear?" "it was quality" i proceded to sell him tescos own lemon and ginsing tea for £2 for 2 tea bags. Even when i was collered by the fuz (teachers) i maintained my innocence by stating that the chap was a little stressed and needed to unwind. they did not see that and suspended me for a week. The jokes on them, i spent a week of sleeping in till 11 and watching watercolour challenge.
(cornsmuggler, Tue 22 Nov 2005, 20:48, Reply)

Is it cheating? Or just feminine wiles?
Not myself, but a lovely young lady who I know from uni.

She's an excellent laugh, pretty, and smiley, and an owner of the largest natural breasts I've ever seen. If these boys ever get any bigger, they may just pull some small asteroids into their orbit. She's also very proud of them; not for nothing does she own tops which cling tightly (and who wouldn't to those boys?) with dramatically plunging necklines. Men who are determined not to look at them are usually subjected to a determined cough and a deliberate rearranging of her décolleté.

Now, back to the QOTW.
If you were student who'd studied hard* all year, diligently attenting classes* and handing in all your coursework on time* but found in the end of year exam (which decided whether you were allowed to do the honours course or not) that all your knowledge of chemistry had suddenly fled your head, what would you do?

[*might not be true]

Would you, sitting close to the front of the exam hall, lock eyes with the lecturer moderating the exam?
Would you be glad of your FF cups?
Would you slowly begin rubbing them?
Would you gently lick your lips and trail your fingers across your curves?
Would you keep this up for an hour, before sauntering up and handing in your paper to the quivering old boy?

She got an A.
(greenycrimson I stole the from pyschotherapist, Tue 22 Nov 2005, 18:35, Reply)

Cheating Sisters.
My big sister and I used to play Scalextrix. When she wasn't winning, she would stop her car under the bridge and announce that her driver was having lunch. What a bastard!
She's very nice now though.
( Whythebigpaws?, Tue 22 Nov 2005, 16:28, Reply)

Cheating
I got fed up of all this 'courting' and 'making an effort' lark so used rohypnol instead

Job done!
(Keyser Soze, Tue 22 Nov 2005, 16:22, Reply)

I only properly cheated once at university... the other times were just fudges!
Anyway... in my first year all the physicists/mathematicians/combined studies students all had to take the same maths techniques module. Not only was it reasonably difficult, but it was also complete bollocks! Although I went to most of the lectures I never paid attention (it was never noticed due to the large class size) which meant the coursework was nie on impossible.

The whole years problem sets all had to be in at the end of the spring term, so it was inevitable that some cheating would go on. I copied mine from a mate on my course, who copied his from his housemate a mathematician, who copied his from his course mate, who in turn copied his from the clever guy on the course! Now I’m no idiot, so I deliberately made a few mistakes (complete with wrong working) so not to get a really good mark. I got 84% in the end, which coupled with my solo effort in the exam of 37% gave me an average of 49% which I believe was a third... Nice work!
(The Duke of Pontefract, Tue 22 Nov 2005, 15:28, Reply)

Melbourne Cup
In Australia there is a very famous horse race called the Melbourne Cup raced the first Tuesday of every November.

Now for a bit of fun work places, pubs and school children all alike run something called a sweep. Each person pays a certain amount say $2 and pulls a horse out of a hat.

Me being a devious bugger at school used to create these Sweeps and run around selling the tickets for a set sum.

The prizes usually added up to the whole pot being divided into 1st,2nd and 3rd. I used to give say $20 in prizes under the total :)

I also used to give my mates the favourites.

"Long time listener, first time caller!!"
(Slatts If you cant remember it didnt happen, Tue 22 Nov 2005, 15:21, Reply)

A harsh life I lead
Never cheated since my primary school spelling tests. I used to write out the words on a very small piece of paper. As my handwriting was appalling, no one could read the note other than me even if they had found it. I’m not dyslexic, just crap at spelling.

I have been cheated on though, by my Ex’s, of which I had been going out with for at least 18 months. The first got engaged to my (then) best mate, before telling me. The second got married before letting me know. At least my third ex decided that she no longer liked sleeping with men, having tried four of my female friends before dumping me. (could have invited me to watch, but she didn’t) The fourth just slept with her boss and then dumped me on Christmas Eve. But at least she was my cousin. (shared great-grandparents, so not quite incest)
And my shrink wonders why I have emotional problems approaching women?

Before you assume I’m weird, I did cure a lesbian once.*

*not my words, but it fits
(gristy Twice as a rabbit, but oh, how a reputation sticks, Tue 22 Nov 2005, 14:41, Reply)