I can read minds
Years ago in Careers class, the teacher, who looked like Audrey Roberts with too much make up, was never there...

David Bowie, for that was his name, was seeing if anyone could read minds, so we all sat round at took turns to guess which card he was holding.

Everybody got one or two out of ten as expected. Then it was my turn.

Put my head down and covered my eyes. I got kicked in the back three times by the kid sitting on the desk behind my chair, luckily I picked up what was going on instantly. "Three I said", looking up. Over the next ten I only got one wrong, I'd miscounted. I really went to town with over acting, staring into his eyes, but not in a gay way, rubbing my temples, etc...

By this point Mr Bowie was getting seriously freaked out being a fully paid up god botherer. Everyone had realised that the chap sitting behind Mr Bowie was signalling to the chap behind me what the card was and were trying to keep straight faces.

He then spent the next few days telling everyone, including teachers I could read minds. I never did tell him.
(Yellow Car is now red, Mon 21 Nov 2005, 10:31, Reply)

Money forging
A friend of mine once got handed a totally rubbish forgery of a five pound note and only realised when he tried to pay with it. It got me thinking that even if you make a far from perfect copy, people will be unlikely to check a fiver to see if it's forged.

In our computer room at uni we had a colour laser printer which was an awe-inspiring technology back in the day (6 years ago). I ironed a five pound note, scanned it and printed it out a few times which took ages becasue I had to get the front and back aligned on the same sheet of paper. Then I crumpled them up and rubbed them with my fingers until they had that slightly greasy feel. Then i went to a really dingy dark student club and spent them! Only 20 pounds worth, but enough to make me feel like a smooth criminal. But still failed to pull anyone.
(caspar_ghodd, Mon 21 Nov 2005, 9:09, Reply)

I regularly cheat my company
false time sheets, over blown expences etc but that is nothing out of the ordinary.

EDIT: When I was in year 9, in 1998 I had to do typing lessons on very old computers (windows 95 I think), and if you finished early you had to type it all out again, so it was the usual ctrl+a, ctrl+c, ctrl+v. I'm not sure what it allowed me to do but I did it.
( Neon Blue Ah ha ha haa! I feel positively capital!, Mon 21 Nov 2005, 7:23, Reply)

Chess.
My Ex GF and I regularly played chess... and ever since I introduced her to it and some of the more interesting tactics, she's been hooked.

One problem: She hated it when I won.
ok.. two problems. I hate to loose.

So, I deliberately played badly, and then mysteriously pulled it back from the brink about 90% of the time. She always quesioned how this mysterious come-back was possible, and was convinced I cheated...

I point-blank refused to let my secret out of the bag... until now.

Sorry Lass... I never cheated... I'm just WAY better than you!

ahhh Bisto.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Mon 21 Nov 2005, 7:03, Reply)

German Tests
Back in the day when Scanners where new and funky, I had one. It was actually a hand-down from my mum... but she passed it on to me.

I always wondered what I'd need one for, but eventually this hand-held scanner came in useful. I scanned each and every gramar page in teh back of our german text-books, and when our un-imaginative teacher would say "Next weeks test will be on columns 2 and 3 of verbs in teh back of text books", I'd simply toddle along and print them out very small...'

The entire text would happily fit on the back of a "steadler" rubber. We never failed. We were never busted (our teacher had mole-vision), and interestingly, reading tiny text is a challenge, and you seem to rememebr it.. so it kind of backfired and we learned during the tests. :o/
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Mon 21 Nov 2005, 6:53, Reply)

Cheat
I cheated in my sose exam today.
I photocopied the pages from my sose book and took it in to the test.
Stupid wnaker of a teacher took it off me,
but, with a last burst of energy from my quivering frame, I managed to jump on the roof, eat my sandwich and do the full monty to a banana.

This resulted in the polar ice-caps melting, plunging the surface of the earth underwater and sending us into the period known as the "water age".

When the human race had at last died out, the penguins fought a huge war against the aliens which turned into a full-scale fight for survival.

In other words, Matthew Reilly gave me a signed copy of Hell Island for free.

Ha!
(DarthDonsbal, Mon 21 Nov 2005, 5:25, Reply)

Physics
I remember I was doing a test one time, and the boy beside me was copying my answers pretty much word for word.

So for a question on prisms (or something) I wrote "The donkey eats the carrot."

So did he. Silly bugger. I went back and subtly changed mine of course.
(Lannes, Mon 21 Nov 2005, 4:55, Reply)

Oh, my poor ex-hubby.
My best friend is not exactly known for being smart. In fact, she's more than a litle thick, but she's a wonderful woman and I love her to bits!

So, one Xmas a few years ago, she buys me the board game "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire", because, in her words "You're smart and will be able to answer the questions".

Well, one night, her, ex hubby and I decided to play it............me being so uber smart fucked out on the $300 question (it was the yank version,k!).
So it was her and "Mr. Look at me, I'm clever" know-it-all.........
For some reason (I can't remember what) I had the A, B, C, D cards in front of me, so when my friend was answering questions, I'd point to the appropriate card.......needless to say, she won the $1,000,000.
Ex hubby never found out until 3 years ago.......and boy was he mad.......there again, that could have been 'cos I never told him about the time I won $500 in Vegas and didn't tell him till that same night, either!
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Mon 21 Nov 2005, 4:24, Reply)

In terms of serious cheating...
...I've only done it once. Standard Grade (ages 15-16) German. Writing exam, hid my entire text into my dictionary and copied it out word for word.

I got a 4.
(possible grades from 1 to 8; good to bad)

Words like 'chump' and 'fucknuggets' sprung to mind.
( Iki I think my camel is dead., Sun 20 Nov 2005, 22:45, Reply)

I hate cheating,
especially in sports. I play badminton in a team in the lowest league, where one would think there is not much point in cheating. Wrong! Since there is no referee in lower leagues, the players need to decide between themselves whether a ball was out or not. Every now and then I play against extremely competitive players (i.e. cheating bastards) who's visual capabilities seem to rival those of David Blunkett. I once played against an elder player of 45 years who won the first set because of no less then 6 points won by cheating. Second set was a different story, because I turned to shooting the shuttlecock right at his head or body deliberately - with all force I could muster. Not just once, but several times, until he finally complained. I then told him that I feared to get another shot out of court and tried to keep it as far away from the side lines as possible. My team mates laughed their heads off.
Remember, kids: Anyone cheating in sport is no better than Maradona in Mexico 1986.
( RedWine President of the S.C.U.M., Sun 20 Nov 2005, 22:10, Reply)

Cheat finder general + reprise
I got to agree with the other scepticism of darfbozo's tale of cheating and being rewarded with a signed copy of 'The Little Prince'.

The book was published in 1943 while the author (Antoine de Saint-Exupéry) was a pilot in WW2. His plane crashed in July 1944 and he died. As the book was one of the world's most popular in the post-war period, and the author was busy fighting after it was published and so wouldn't have time to sign many copies, I also think that the chances of it being given as a prize for some adolescent poetry are pretty remote.
(woodchopper likes chopping wood, Sun 20 Nov 2005, 19:03, Reply)

i cheated when.....
I posted some made-up fairytale on a QOTW once asking about my cheating and told the world how my teacher had told me all the answers in a french/english/history/etc test so that I genius that I am got an A.
(NotSaying lurking is fun, Sun 20 Nov 2005, 18:46, Reply)

If I had a time machine,
I'd go back to 1971 and kill everyone in fucking Middle Of The Road, their engineers, their producer, their manager, and everyone else who ever gave them any support whatsoever. I'd then find all their groupies and hangers-on and subject them to an unspeakably horrible fate that I've not given much thought to yet, but believe you me it'll not be pretty. And finally, I'd go and find the bastard(s) who wrote that song, cover them in kerosene, set fire to them, and burn their pets in the blaze.

Why would I do all this? Because I simply cannot tolerate that song - its merest suggestion causes my blood to boil, my arse to sprout malignant fungi and my auditory nerves to commit suicide. In that way, it's (marginally) worse than that fucking shite Eric Prydz thing.

And I've just misread the QOTW again.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sun 20 Nov 2005, 18:30, Reply)

Cheat finder general
I'm an academic and have had several occasions to root out cheaters. For example, I recently was an external examiner and was marking some assessed coursework by some post-graduate students from Central Europe. Midway through the standard of English (and for that matter logic) dramatically improved. I googled a few sentences and found within seconds that page after page had been copied, word for word, from a report available on teh interweb.

I made sure that the three failed the course. Then one of them had the nerve to write a letter of complaint... It didn't help them though.

Remember kids - your teachers aren't always stupid or lazy. You might just get caught.
(woodchopper likes chopping wood, Sun 20 Nov 2005, 18:29, Reply)

English exam
Due to a few 'reasons' i used to get my own exam room at school because i want allowed to sit with the other kids while they were going on. During one english a level exam i had my head of year English teacher sitting in with me to keep an eye on me. During the first (of three) part of the exam he's sat behind me and occasionally chirping in with "Have you ever looked at it this way.." and gives me a brilliant tangent to go on. On to the second part of the exam, I'm expecting, at best, some more verbal help every now and again. No no no. He hands me three pieces of paper that he's written out EXTENSIVE notes on for me to basically just copy off. Bonus. It got better though, for the last part of the exam he said those words that brought a smile to my face and a tear to my eye, "Tell you what, how about if I talk and you just write?"

Nearly full marks for that exam. Only got a D overall, couldnt be fucked with the coursework. Ho hum. Easiest cheating ever.
(Formaly Over say's hello, Sun 20 Nov 2005, 17:33, Reply)

Whenever playing highly competitive Nintendo games at my house
if anyone left the room to go to the toilet or whatever, we'd switch all the controllers around.

Somebody punched me in the face over this.
( Reid got it going on like Donkey Kong, Sun 20 Nov 2005, 15:47, Reply)

exams
when i was in school, my physics teacher told me a story about a gcse exam he was moderating.When walking around the room, he noticed one of the girls was wearing a short skirt, and had written notes on her upper thigh, which she was using to cheat.... leaving him with the arquard decision between looking like a perve and letting her get away with it........... not entirely sure i'd be telling my class about perving on gcse students, but hey
(skankgirl, Sun 20 Nov 2005, 15:43, Reply)

French GCSE Oral Exam
We didn't have to bother with writing everything out on the paper or bringing in a separate tape... our French teacher told us what to say and when we got stuck she would write it down for us on cue cards.
(jeaneye, Sun 20 Nov 2005, 15:26, Reply)

Friend of my parents
was training to become a driving instructor. He needed to pass a home driving simulation thingy three times consecutively. I managed to hack into the results and alter them so he could pass every time. I don't think it helped him much, practically, since he has since failed to become a driving instructor.
(Icefox2k, Sun 20 Nov 2005, 13:54, Reply)

Destroyer of Mobile technology
I have a bit of a temper.
Unfortunately for me, I always unleash it upon small, valuable, electrical items that I keep on me - like my mobile phone or mp3 player.
To date I have been through about 10 phones, nearly all of them getting smashed and destroyed - oh and one mp3 player.
Heres the cheatingest bit. I threw a strop in my car and banged my last mobile on the steering wheel. CRACK. Que my one month old, £120 mobile not working any more and me panicing at how stupid I was for not having any insurance.
So, I ring up the mobile phone company, who tell me that they are that very week offering free insurance on phones worth less than £150!
"Yes I'd like to take out insurance"
Two weeks later I ring up...
"Um, I dropped my phone and the screen has cracked."
And huzzah! They sent me not only a new one, but the model above because min had been discontinued!
Yes, you said it - Insurance Fraud. Its great.
(Biromunch, Sun 20 Nov 2005, 13:26, Reply)

The awesome feeling of power from cheating Japanese schoolkids
I'm an assistant teacher in a high school in Japan. All students in school have a number, corresponding to where their surname sits alphabetically in the class. I have a tubular box, in which 40 chopsticks are placed, each with a number on one end. The numbers are on the end inside the box so I can't see them. Whenever I ask a question or want volunteers to speak and nobody puts their hand up, I have to pick a chopstick and the student whose number comes out has been 'volunteered', completely randomly.

But, should a student have pissed me off by talking during the class or just misbehaving, I'll use the fact that I know the subtle colour differences and marks on the bottom of the chopsticks to pick theirs and victimise the little shit.

Teach them to mess with me.
(Fuiru Sting, where is thy death?, Sun 20 Nov 2005, 4:22, Reply)

only cheat I ever knew
was to duke nukem (i think?) or maybe aliens.
1g0tpink8cidb00tson
Made you GOD!
( wanky art student is liable to phwoar at any minute, Sun 20 Nov 2005, 3:10, Reply)

People who link to the "I like this" link....
Look people,

I know it's become popular but I'm a priest and therefore more honest than most. But I still did the pretty blatent link. See the listing for the "Useless information" question:

www.b3ta.com/questions/uselessinformation/

(look it up via other means if you wish).....

Now that was something I did to cheat the great-lords of b3ta but I quite commonly go further:

I have a Blue Peter badge and dog collar which has got me out of many a scrape including when I went to get to see Led Zepplin. The two factors meant that I could stand at the edge of the stage, go to their back-stage party, and some of their groupies got very friendly with me! We never actually did it but they seemed to find the idea of rubbing themselves up and down a priest very good fun.

I have also used my collar to get out of speeding tickets ("I have to get to a funeral"), family events ("I have a ceremony to perform"), tea in skanky, chavvy, grease-scummed cups ("I'm full of tea from other parishioners, thanks"), baggage being scanned at airports ("Holy Water is affected by X-Rays"), builder's bills ("The roof will be paid for" - heh, who's going to take a priest to court?), Poll Tax (but that wasn't realy a cheat, it was just evil).

But the best little cheat that I play is that every week I never give my parishioners their holy stuff every week.....it's just rice paper and shit wine. I spend the money that my parish gives me on proper booze and fags.

Probably my last post here.

Even if you haven't sneezed: Bless You!

Jerry

PS: I really am a priest and it's getting just to dangerous to post on here.
( Fr_Jerry_McGwier looked over both shoulders at, Sun 20 Nov 2005, 1:10, Reply)

embezzlement
back in high school i'd make myself a lunch, then go ask for lunch money from a parent. i'd eat the lunch I made and pocket the cash.
(HalfwayHebrew, Sun 20 Nov 2005, 0:16, Reply)

In year 8
I sat next to a lass called Lindsay in mathematics. Now, I was a pretty good mathematician back then and would regularly rank in the top 10 in our year group (of about 250)

Lindsay didn't seem that clever when you spoke to her but often got about the same marks as me. Which was a coincidence as she sat next to met in year 8. And come to think of it, in year 7 too!

Anyway, I finally noticed that she was copying every bloody answer I wrote down. It wasn't difficult to cheat as the questions were 100 multiple choice questions with 5 alternative answers.

So, at the end of year 8 tests, I asked the teacher if I could purposely get the answers wrong. We devised a strategy whereby, if I thought the answer was A, I'd circle B. If I thought it was B, I'd circle C.....and if I thought the answer was E, I'd circle A.

So, the end of year 8 results come:

Me: 96%
Lindsay: 3%

Yay me!
(wonderbrawl was pronounced dead on, Sat 19 Nov 2005, 23:59, Reply)

The ring of Doom
In 6th grade I had a teacher who on test day would wear tennis shoes and at the beginning of any test would take his incredibly huge ring...turn it palm side in and skulk around in the back of the room watching test takers

If he saw anyone leaning a bit too much toward another person's quiz to maybe see their answers he'd glide up behind them and rap the crown of their head with that damned ring

I'm told it hurt like a SOB...I wouldn't know of course
(Inventor of the slipless banana peel, Sat 19 Nov 2005, 23:05, Reply)

I was faced with perils
I could've faced them like a man
But I was too frightened
The odds were too numerous
So I did what any respectful man would
I jumped up the elevator and ran across the bloody ceiling into the secret warp zone pipes.
Then I got my ass butt raped by the guy in the cloud chucking spiny turtles at me T_T
(Wonchop Where are your goggles, boy?, Sat 19 Nov 2005, 22:37, Reply)

to my shame...
In third grade, we had spelling tests every week. Ten words which the teacher would say, and we had to write. After a few weeks I realized that she read the words in the exact same order as our book had them, and I began keeping the book halfway out of my desk and looking down at it during the test, writing the word before she had even said it. Needless to say I was caught, as I was the only one writing as everyone else waited for the next word. The embarrassing thing was that I knew how to spell every single word - best speller in my class actually. It just gave me a thrill to know the word before everyone else, because I am the lamest person in all of existence.
(schwamaster, Sat 19 Nov 2005, 22:11, Reply)