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This is a question Childhood Ambitions

HoratioFellatio writes:
"At the tender age of 13, my little hairless clockweights squirted their first dose of testosterone into my blood stream. The result was a mental alarm clock shouting, 'I NEED TO LOOK AT GIRL'S FANNIES.' I reasoned that if I became a Gynaecologist, I'd get to look at fannies all day.

"It was only when I reached the age of about 16 and learnt about STD's and yeast infections that I realised I'd only ever get to see diseased ones."

Tell us about your childhood career ambitions and the moment at which your aspirations crumbled into a pile of broken dreams.

(, Thu 29 Mar 2007, 12:02)
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Comedy Gold
I had all the usual ambitions as a child; footballer, astronaut, milkshake tester, professional strip poker player, being Mr. T, sex pest, etc. But once you get a little older your aims tend to move a smidge lower. Therefore by the age of about twelve all I really wanted was a job that made me laugh. Now this might seem a ludicrous aim but bugger me if I haven't managed it! I work for the NHS and can get my grubby little mitts on millions upon millions of prescriptions. Prescriptions aren't funny, I hear you say. Au contraire..... It started when I was asked to pull the history of a patient. Slight humour was derived from him being called Percival Clutterbuck, gigantic humour was derived from him being prescribed a drug called Human Mixtard. This got my childish little mind working; what I presumed was a dull as hell clerical job had suddenly opened up into the world of hilarious names. I therefore give you the list of my current favourites, all completely true.

Other than the aforementioned Mr. Clutterbuck, my favourite patients so far are Abdool Pooloo (parents were clearly enamoured with the letter 'o'), Albano Alfonso Bra's (I swear the apostrophe is part of his name, not added by me), suspected visitor to deedpoll Countess Magenta Devil, and winner of the award for most hopefully making their child sound cosmopolitan and failing, Sergio Guiseppe Smith.

But the true hilarity comes from the doctors themselves. Deep breath now. There are so many Dr. D'eath's it's got a little boring now, Dr. Killingback is much funnier although less worrying than Dr. Godbehere. Not as good as Dr. Doodoo but mildly better than Dr. Mycock. There are several Dr. Shipman's all cursing their luck now they can never apply for that promotion to the geriatric department they had their heart set on but at least they get taken more seriously than Dr. Pepper. Probably more than Dr. Kaz Fuks too. Dr. Bumbra must be used to barely covered sniggering as must Drs. Cakebread, Beaver, Hooker and the outstandingly named Dr. Craig-McFeely. I can only imagine the annoyance of standing in a crowd on fireworks night for Dr. Oo. All the nerds I know wish their name was as cool as Dr. Stawarz but I'm more jealous of Dr. Bigwood. There's definitely some sort of compulsion for people with penis related names to go into the medical profession too. Just ask. Dr. A. Dick. Or Dr. Acellam-O'Dong. Or Dr. C. Cocks. Or, my second ever favourite, Dr. Weadick. Sir, I salute you! You poor, poor sod. And I would ask everyone to join me in a quick prayer that there is never a boy born to the unfortunately monikered Dr. Cordelia Feuchtwang.

Ambition? Achieved.

Edit: God must read b3ta! Just today I walked into work to find a message waiting for me to call Accounts Officer Mr. Cock! Sadly I bottled it when the phone was answered and asked if Derek was there.

AND I forgot to mention Dr. Bottery!
(, Thu 29 Mar 2007, 21:43, closed)

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