The secret ingredient is love
It pays to put it in right at the end, as it cooks it releases an unpleasant ammonia flavour which goes right through most things.

PS The secret ingredient is actually salt.
(Canerbry porks kittens, Fri 29 Jun 2012, 0:09, 1 reply)

Pimp your mash with mustard and sweetcorn.

( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Fri 29 Jun 2012, 0:02, 8 replies)

Dijon chicken
An easy one to serve when you need to impress the hell out of someone and don't have a lot of time:

Get a package of chicken breasts, a large container of sour cream, a bottle of dijon mustard and a container of bread crumbs. Also grab a bunch of broccoli, some butter and some lemon juice.

Rinse the chicken, then dry it with paper towels. Set it aside.

Mix the sour cream and the mustard, about 50/50. Do this in a bowl and keep a rubber spatula handy.

Pour a deep layer of bread crumbs into a plate.

Pour a layer of crumbs into a baking dish.

Smear a chicken breast with the mustard and sour cream mixture, then roll it in the plate of bread crumbs. Lay it in the baking dish. Do this with the rest of the chicken. Your hands will get very messy. Dust the remaining crumbs from the plate over the top.

Set the oven to 350F. Wash your hands off.

Chop up the broccoli as you see fit in a microwave safe bowl. Put in about a half inch to an inch of water. Seal it tight with plastic wrap. Place it in the microwave and set it for six minutes, then leave it.

Bake the chicken for a half hour, uncovered. When the half hour is done, start the microwave. When it beeps, drain the broccoli and throw in a bunch of butter and cover it back up.

Pull the chicken from the oven and let it sit on top of the stove. Give the broccoli another minute or two, then stir it. Sprinkle lemon juice over it and stir it again, then cover it.

Call in your guests. Serve them the chicken and the broccoli and watch their eyes pop.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 28 Jun 2012, 23:42, 7 replies)

Carolina barbecue
1 cup ketchup
1 cup water
3/4 cup apple cider vinegar
1/2 cup worcestershire
1/4 cup mustard
1/4 cup butter
1/2 cup brown sugar
1 teaspoon Frank's Red Hot (or more to taste)
1/8 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon crushed red pepper flakes (more or less to taste) or chipotle if you prefer
Half an onion, chopped up fine
A few drops of hickory smoke flavoring

Mix everything together in a saucepot and bring to a boil, then simmer
for about an hour. Should make just over three cups, enough for a
decent pork butt. (Between 5 and 7 pounds.)

Put it all in a crock pot overnight. Let it stew until it's the consistency of pot roast- falling apart into stringy bits of goodness.

Cook up another batch of the sauce, using the above recipe. Let it simmer for at least an hour, preferably two.

Take out the cooked pork and chop it into mince, basically. Serve it on a white bread roll and put a couple of spoonfuls of the sauce over it, then watch them flip out. It's not as vinegary as some recipes, but it can have a bit of a kick.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 28 Jun 2012, 23:38, 6 replies)

Cochinita pibil.
5 tbsp ground annato seed (I get it in a package from the local Latin market)
2 tbsp cumin seeds
1 tbsp black peppercorns
1 tbsp allspice
½ tsp cloves
½ cup fresh orange juice
½ cup white vinegar
2 tbsp salt
1 cup lemon juice
8 cloves garlic
2 habanero peppers, chopped (or a bit of chipotle, which gives it a nice smoky flavor)
A dose of tequila (they say a shot or two, I tend to throw in about a half cup or so)
5 lbs pork butt, cut into 2 inch cubes (actually I often use pork loin, as it's on sale cheap frequently)

Put everything but the pork into a blender and whip it- whip it good.

Put the pork into a gallon size Ziploc bag, then pour the contents of the blender in with it. Moosh it all around so the fluid is mixed in thoroughly with the pork. Squeeze as much of the air out as you can, within reason. Put it in the refrigerator overnight.

Go back to the Latin market and get some banana leaves (unless you happen to be lucky enough to have some growing locally). I use a Dutch oven with a nice heavy lid, but you can use a deep baking dish and tinfoil. Line the container with the leaves, pour in the contents of the Ziploc bag, cover it with leaves, then either put the lid on or seal it with foil, tight.

Set the oven for 275 and let it run for four hours. If you have a programmable oven, you can set it up to start at 1:00 pm so it will be ready after work.

Come home and boil up some boil-in-a-bag rice, then take out the pork and open it up. Spoon it over the rice and use your fork to mash it down a bit- it will be the consistency of pot roast, falling apart.

It goes really well with a decent light-ish beer.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 28 Jun 2012, 23:33, 6 replies)

Jalapeno poppers.
No, not those breaded monstrosities in the frozen food section. These are the real deal.

Take some fresh jalapenos and cut the ends off, and put a slice down one side. Boil them for a few minutes, just enough to soften them. Scoop out the innards with a spoon and set them aside.

Mix cream cheese with sharp cheddar and a little chipotle powder. Scoop it into the peppers. Wrap each pepper with a strip of bacon (streaky rashers, as you lot call them) and either skewer it with a toothpick or put a bunch of them on a skewer. Broil them until the bacon is cooked, then let them cool for a few minutes.

If they don't cause you to jump up and down and shout "WOO!" you must be dead.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 28 Jun 2012, 23:18, Reply)

Sausages with mustard core
Use a clean 3mm drill to drill though the length of a frozen, high quality sausage. Inject English mustard into the void. Cap the ends with a ball of compressed bread. Fry or grill as normal.
( Carlossus, Thu 28 Jun 2012, 23:15, 1 reply)

Chicken burgers
Top tip:
When coating stuff in bread crumbs (dust with flour, dip in egg, coat in crumbs, fry). Use blitzed fresh pitta bread instead of normal bread (with whatever spices you like). It's a revelation.
( Carlossus, Thu 28 Jun 2012, 23:10, 1 reply)

Chilli, Cheese and Bacon Scones
Basically they're like cheese scones, but you mince up some bacon and chop some chillis and put that in as well.

These are the state of the art.
(gordonjcp, Thu 28 Jun 2012, 23:10, Reply)

I made this when i was a child
Sausage suprise
Feeds 1

Ingredients:
1 large packaged Sausage from the outer reaches of russia or somewhere
(Found at the back of the fridge next to the garlic that's begun to take root)

40 allsorted lengths of spagetti
(You can harvest your own from the bottom of the bread bin)

1 tea spoon of salt
(Gatherd from the rim of the empty salt shaker)

Method.
Step 1: Poke all fourty Lengths of Spagetti through the Sausage.
Step 2: Boil Sausage with spagetti in water.
Step 3: Remove Sausage, Spagetti thing with bare hands and scream like a little girl.
Step 4: Get mother to take out the Sausage thing.
Step 5: Decide not to eat the thing and leave it under your sisters pillow.
Step 6: Sprinkle salt on her bed to garnish.

Length? Oh about two weeks confined to early nights with no dinosaur biscuits at all.
(shake'n'bake Tally Ho, Biatch!, Thu 28 Jun 2012, 23:05, 3 replies)

Oh Christ
The breadmakers are back.
(badgermonkey007, Thu 28 Jun 2012, 23:02, 1 reply)

Sandwich epiphany!
I was stoned, had little in the fridge apart from half a pack of salami, mayo, Jar of Gherkins and some cheese slices, eugh a salami butty; then a glance in the freeezer - OMG there's fish fingers, so the magical sandwich was created.

INSTRUCTIONS,
Grill fishfingers, while toasting 2 slices of bread.
Once both are ready.

Place in the following order,
Bottom slice of toast.
Loads of mayo on it
fishfingers
Cheese slice - one of those nasty yellow ones - no gourmet Dairylea
5 slices of salami evenly spread
Chopped gherkins, long slivers of em.
More mayo.
Top slice of toast.

Eat with total surprise that it is in fact very tasty.

As to beans, no Daddies, No deal!
(rickster999, Thu 28 Jun 2012, 23:00, 4 replies)

Talk about stoned.
After many spliffs one night years ago,the munchies kicked in.The only food i had in the cupboard? tomato soup and potatoes,oh fuck, tomato soup and chips taste awesome when your off your tits,try it you might like it(some quality hash would help).
(andycrass loves two hats on, Thu 28 Jun 2012, 22:49, 1 reply)

pyrolysis
This might be the first of rather too many but I do a lot of messing around in the kitchen so I have experienced the wild extremes of food technology.

Way back when I was a somewhat less than competent cook, I shared a house with a number of other students.

This being one of the more "elite" universities, with well-off students, one of the housemates (Gary) had a microwave (in 1988 this was not a cheap item). It had its own table within Gary's room. If any of the rest of us wanted to use it, we could, provided we asked first. I used it a fair bit.

One time, I was cooking for a female friend and decided to cook carrots. These, I thought would be quickly and well done within the microwave. After making some rather neat, ordered, and evenly shaped batons, I put them in a non metallic bowl and covered the bowl with cling film. I put them in the microwave and set the timer for 20 minutes (thats the time they take in water. right?).

As it turned out, 20 mins was a bit long. They had time to dehydrate and pyrolyse and actually create flames, which were dancing around the internal parts of the oven when I went to check on them (I had been alerted by a strange smell of burning from upstairs).

It was quite a while before I could bring myself to ask to use the microwave again, and in fact I got the one I already owned out of storage and brought it back to the house.

Gary went on to be my best man and reminds me of this moment at regular intervals.
(gearanach #wankwankwank, Thu 28 Jun 2012, 22:46, Reply)

Ia am stoned to hell
and this question is doing me NO fucking good whatsoever.
( Hunter Stockton was murdered by a bicycle wielding axolotl,.,.,.,., Thu 28 Jun 2012, 22:36, 1 reply)

My signature dish.
You will need:
Pasta - whatever you have
Tuna Fish (cheap)
Tomatos (tinned)(also cheap)
Bacon - usually past the use-by date
Whatever other meat you have lying about - stale corned beef, the two hotdogs you couldn't be bothered to eat last night, bits of kebab, whatever.
Oregano
The knowledge that payday is two days away and you're having to resort to the crap at the back of the cupboard.
Boil water. Put pasta into boiling water. Add a bit more pasta. Add another handful of pasta. Drop pasta over floor while putting it away.
Eat jam sandwich while waiting for pasta to come back to the boil. Leave to simmer. Fry bacon. Hack into bits and put to one side because you did it too damn early, idiot. Dump tomatoes into saucepan. Open tuna fish. Spill brine all over work surface while trying to drain it. Dump tuna into saucepan with tomatoes. Add random meats, bacon and more oregano than you really ought to use.
When pasta starts bubbling over, hurriedly turn it down and start heat under tomato/tuna/random crap saucepan.
Play air guitar to some Motorhead while waiting.
Fuck. Where did all this pasta come from? There's frigging tons of it. And yet not quite enough to put some aside for a second meal.
Drain pasta and put back on heat. Dump sauce in with pasta and stir like a bastard.
Drop some of it on floor while dishing it up. Drop more on floor because your plate really isn't big enough and it's slopping over the sides as you scuttle to the table.
Eat with bread until you lose interest.

I call it The Pasta Abomination.
(Big D, Thu 28 Jun 2012, 22:21, 2 replies)

Bread.
Don't use a bread maker, they suck. Don't use exact measurements, they'll only convince you that you're doing it wrong.

You're going to need some water, a bag of flour (usually they are 1.5kg), some dried yeast (usually it's about 60p for a tin that lasts for ages) and a tin of beer (okay, this one is optional). You're also going to need a jug or small bowl, a biggish bowl, and a baking sheet or big flat baking tray. Or bread tins.

Stick about 300ml of warm water - 200ml of cold and 100ml of boiling will be about right - into a bowl, and stir in a teaspoon of sugar and a tablespoon of dried yeast. Put it somewhere warm for 20 minutes. Once it's done give it a stir to get rid of the foam.

Put half a bag of flour (about 750g) into a biggish bowl. Make a well in the middle, and pour about half the yeasty water in. Pull some flour in and make a wee puddle in the middle of sloppy floury gunk. Put a clean dishcloth over the bowl, leave it somewhere warm for 20 minutes. It should look bubbly when it's done.

Now stir it and pour in the rest of the yeasty water. You should end up with a firm, slightly sticky dough. If it's too and all the flour won't mix in, add more water a little bit at a time. If it's too wet, add a bit more flour. Don't overdo it.

Kneading it is the fun part. Pour a handful or two of flour onto a clean cutting board, or even just onto the worktop (but it's hell to clean off). Make sure your hands are covered in flour, or the dough will stick. Start kneading the dough making sure you keep turning it different ways. After about five to ten minutes (yes, really that long - stick a 12" single on, New Order - "Blue Monday" is about the right length and speed) it'll get a kind of smooth glossy look - it's about done. Chuck the dough back into the bowl, put the dishtowel back over it, and put it back in a warm place for about an hour or so.

Have a beer.

Put the oven on at 200°C-220°C. Get the dough out, turn it back out onto your floured chopping board, and cut it in half. If you're using bread tins, grease them with some margarine, and stick the bread in. If you're using a baking sheet, sprinkle a thin layer of flour on it, shape the two bits of dough into ovals, and put them on it. You can cut slashes about 1/2" deep diagonally across the bread so it looks like the stuff you get in the posh bakeries.

Bung it in the oven for about 30-40 minutes, or until it looks done and sounds hollow when you tap the bottom.

If you want to make posh bread with seeds and stuff in, mix them into the flour before you add the water. Sunflower seeds work pretty well, as do pumpkin seeds.

If you want to make the top all shiny and glossy, brush a little beaten egg on. You can use milk which makes it slightly shiny and a bit browner, or you can use a little oil. Brush on some milk and sprinkle sesame seeds on, even.

Experiment. If you muck it up, you've probably *still* got something edible, and at worst you've wasted 80p worth of ingredients.
(gordonjcp, Thu 28 Jun 2012, 22:21, 4 replies)

Hm.
I'm not allowed to discuss my Carbonated Soup idea; but it couldn't be worse than fizzy milk.
(The Incredible Sulk Finally remembered his password on, Thu 28 Jun 2012, 22:15, 1 reply)

Tuna Random.
It's sort of disgusting, but it's my favorite meal anyway.
Take loads of broccoli and cauliflower and nuke it in the microwave for 4 minutes. Throw it in a baking dish. Throw in some mushrooms. Throw in some cooked pasta (I use the microwave pasta as I'm lazy). Pour over loads of cheese sauce into which you have mixed a tin of tuna. Garnish with your favorite grated cheese then bake at 200 for about 25 minutes.
(The Curse of Millhaven. Pretty little mouth underneath all the foaming, Thu 28 Jun 2012, 22:14, Reply)

Beans again.
Worcester sauce? Pah!

Beans on toast with half a jar of marmite mixed in to the beans. Heaven.
(The Curse of Millhaven. Pretty little mouth underneath all the foaming, Thu 28 Jun 2012, 22:11, 1 reply)

Turd!
I cooked a turd and it tasted shit. I think that is how it's supposed to taste. Success!
(AnnaPhylaxis All fish and no aquarium, Thu 28 Jun 2012, 22:09, 4 replies)

Second!
Beans!

If you must have beans on toast, at least make the beans a bit more interesting. Spot of Worcestershire Sauce and some oregano or mixed Italian spices.
( le brian, Thu 28 Jun 2012, 22:02, 2 replies)

First!
Raw toast!
( The Lone Groover has mal des nuts., Thu 28 Jun 2012, 22:01, 1 reply)