I once had a hard disk crash on me,
Couldn't boot or anything.
(SpangoTheWonderBadger is brewing beer, Fri 4 Jul 2014, 16:06, 6 replies)

The Dalai Lama was essentially the corruptest person on the planet and now everyone seems
to think that the current incarnation is some sort of Mr Nice Guy, considering the past perks no wonder he wants Tibet back. China freed the Tibetans from feudal oppression and sexual slavery, boo hoo Dalai boo fucking hoo. I cannot wait until our overlords the Chinese come and oppress the UK.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 4 Jul 2014, 13:45, 5 replies)

For this corruptible must put on incorruption,
and this mortal must put on immortality.

Any contract for a lifetime's supply of hand jobs can be won by greasing enough palms.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Fri 4 Jul 2014, 13:30, Reply)

Tipping.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 4 Jul 2014, 11:42, 6 replies)

I used to work in Ann Summers
and once caught The Great Soprendo changing the price on a "Black Destroyer Dildo" he was buying for Victoria Wood.

He also bought a bottle of Strawberry Dick Tasty.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Fri 4 Jul 2014, 11:41, 20 replies)

years ago I was riding a motorbike through the vietnamese countryside when I was waved down at a police roadblock by two armed blokes who looked like soldiers
they started talking at me and pointing at me and my bike, but I didn't speak any vietnamese apart from "sorry" and "broken. can you fix?", both of which I'd used often. They were quite animated and seemed to get increasingly frustated, and one even wrote a number down on a piece of paper and started waving it my face. I shook my head and shrugged. I honestly didn't know what the fuck they were talking about. Eventually they let me go. It was only later I learned the cops there were notorious for shaking down passers-by for a bribe. Naivety sometimes gets you through
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Fri 4 Jul 2014, 11:32, Reply)

Oh Mr Scaryduck.
If you reopen 'Sheds' there's more where this :

came from..
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 4 Jul 2014, 9:10, 7 replies)

My uncle
once drove from Iran back to the UK, some great stories but the one most appropriate to this qotw relates to the Iraqi border security.

-----------Wavy lines back to the 70s------------

My uncle and aunt have lived in Tehran for a couple of years and decide to move back to the UK, so most of their gear is shipped, he buys a brand new Merc and decides to drive back. All is going fine until they are driving through Iraq from Baghdad to the Turkish border. A load of traffic is coming back in the opposite direction, including some colonial Brit types. They manage to flag someone down to ask what is going on and find out that the border is closed and everyone is heading back to Baghdad. My uncle, having grown up in Iran and being more familiar with the way things are done, thinks he knows better so carries on for the border.

On arrival at the border crossing, it becomes clear that the border is indeed closed, so he sticks a load of dollars in their passports and calls over one of the border guards "I realise the situation here, and totally understand how difficult things are for you, but maybe you could take a look at our passports and see if you could let us through." The guard takes their passports off and returns to tell them that "Inshallah, your situation is clear, of course we can make an exception." Before driving off, my uncle opens the passport to have a look and sees that there is still some money left in there. He looks at the guard who simply replies "I'm only a Sergeant".

The bribe had apparently been more fitting to someone more senior, and it would have been totally unethical to take it all.
(cymrococh, Fri 4 Jul 2014, 8:57, 15 replies)

Back in the day "wavy lines wavy lines wavy lines wavy lines "
My company was hired by a major eyeglass company, lets call it "Wolf and Furry Alien"...

They had a major problem with their "works" department;
essentially shops were costing twice a much as the industry level, taking twice as long to build and were shoddy monstrosities.
We had no idea why they had stuck so long with their contractor under these conditions.

Anyhows, my boss signed on the doted line and I was hired.
I was dispatched to work in their head offices in err, Lutecia.
What I fond there was incompetence beyond belief, butt protecting of the level only a Westboro Baptist in a gay nude bubble bath party would contemplate.
To compound this, everybody had made it a professional level sport to have their finger in every minute little thing to be able to prance about their success when things worked and point fingers when it did not.

Needless to say after a week I negotiated to only have two people in the whole firm to be even allowed to talk to me in the corridors, much less ENTER my office.

This is when I learned that the company was run by the secretaries and assistants.
The MBA's were basically peacocks prancing on the corridor carpet.
But that's another story.

"wavy lines wavy lines wavy lines wavy lines "

Two years later, we had gotten the costs down by a whopping 70%, shops openings had gone from 10/15 a year to the 40/70 range.
They were pretty, well made, on time, and outsold the older ones by a very large margin (nearly 2/1).

But alass, on day, the big honcho (with more than 500 MILLION Euros to his name, tax paid, in err, can't tell you more) calls my boss over.

He wants cash, in a briefcase, in this office, lots of it, next week.

My boss then proceeds to tell Honcho that's it's not possible.
The reason we could do such great prices is very very tight accounting and relieving that of a 6 figure sum would be highly visible and land him in jail.

No, sell your car, your kids, your house, I wants cash, in a briefcase, in this office, lots of it, next week replied Honcho.

Bos says no.

We get kicked out on the spot.

Have to sue to get our fees paid (took 3 years).

And Honcho hires back the Daftey and Wafty firm from the beginning of the story.
Probably not for their competence,
But for their ability to kick briefcases under tables with a leaden foot.
(smellysamlyingcable Seaman on, Fri 4 Jul 2014, 8:32, 7 replies)

Bollocks, I was really hoping I could contribute something to this week's question
But I got nothing. Ah well, here's hoping for the next one :(

Love,

Sepp Blatter.
(Dr Doctor Can't you see I'm burning burning?, Fri 4 Jul 2014, 8:22, 2 replies)

If we all chip in a fiver I reckon we can get Scaryduck to reopen the 'Sheds' question.

( Zuowan, Fri 4 Jul 2014, 5:43, 1 reply)

Tony Blair or something

(Andrew Avetoom, Thu 3 Jul 2014, 19:26, 5 replies)

Speaking as a proud African woman
the biggest corruption is you weedy-bodied Europeans with your thin little pricks and wimpy gentle lovemaking.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 3 Jul 2014, 19:10, 8 replies)

FMCG and FMCE is corruption personified but the industry has disguised these corrupt deals by inventing
all sorts of sales slang like, listing fees, retro discounting and many others. One buyer I was a wooing managed to win a holiday in our competition that abided by all the rules, in the event of tie then the caption contest is used to decide the winner via a panel made up of the BOD.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Thu 3 Jul 2014, 19:00, 9 replies)

I work for a marine science / environmental charity
and instead of spending the millions of pounds of funding we get from YOUR taxes, we all have 44,000 litre saltwater pools and as many boxes of wine as we need to ruin our superior intellects
( A Rory Borealis here under duress, Thu 3 Jul 2014, 17:48, 5 replies)

One Word on corruption and corrupt dishonest people...
Hungarians
(Vegard M Vindheim Fuck your dreams, Fuck your life., Thu 3 Jul 2014, 16:11, 19 replies)

I'm not allowed to do corruption.
At a previous employer I had to watch a video telling me what it was then confirm I would not be a part of it. The same goes for my current employer -- apparently corruption is bad, mkay.
Team UK World Police have stopped all corruption in the world. It's true, I have watched the videos.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Thu 3 Jul 2014, 15:54, 1 reply)

I once banned a guy
from the music shop where I worked in London for swapping price stickers in an attempt to get a crappy Yamaha keyboard cheaper. He protested vehemently until I told him we had it all on cctv - potentially rather embarrassing for a member of the Nigeria High Commission.
(Haywood Manley, Thu 3 Jul 2014, 15:54, 1 reply)

A tiny flaw in the plan...

I saw a fabulous sight in Brazil. There was a crowd of people clustered around a building, scrabbling for something on the ground, and occasionally cheering. From a balcony above, a woman was throwing papers down, which was what the crowd was collecting, with apparent glee.

Turns out that she was the wife of an important politician, who had just discovered that he was having an affair. Her response was to throw his secret files - the ones detailing all his dodgy deals - down to the press in the street below.

Beleza!
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Thu 3 Jul 2014, 15:09, 2 replies)

I have left a scattered trail of Chanel No5, bottles of Johnny Walker and expensive chocolates from one end of the
earth to the other over the last 25 years.

All petty stuff, but often inappropriate.

My favourite was the request from a guy who was in charge of customs clearing goods in Lagos. This is a job we guessed was probably worth about 30 grand a year, tops.

He needed a new part for one of the gyroscopic instruments in his Cessna 182. At the time a second hand one of those would have set you back easy 100 grand.
(username failed moderation, Thu 3 Jul 2014, 14:52, 25 replies)

So, er ...
I once tried to get a stray dog and a Disney Pixar film to stand up straight, by shouting "Cur, Up ... SHUN!"
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 3 Jul 2014, 14:50, 3 replies)

If you let Scaryduck 'walk your dog' he'll run your QOTW suggestion.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 3 Jul 2014, 14:38, 3 replies)

I am a hospital manager, my name is Wayne E. D'Cake

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Thu 3 Jul 2014, 14:27, 2 replies)

www.private-eye.co.uk/sections.php?section_link=rotten_boroughs
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 3 Jul 2014, 14:07, 1 reply)

According to the Inland Revenue
- going by their tax returns - the average London Cabbie earns just £12,000 per year.

I think we should all bear that in mind the next time we use a Taxi in London and remember to dig deep and tip them well. Same goes for all those poor self-employed builders, plumbers, painters and decorators, tilers, plasterers, roofers and window cleaners - most of them don't even earn enough to come off the dole let alone qualify to pay tax or National Insurance.

So next time you see one, on holiday perhaps in Vegas, or down CostCo's, don't forget to remember just how lucky you are to live in a country full of decent types and not in one full of bribery and corruption populated by greedy fuckers who are just in it for themselves.
( buffet_the_appetite_slayer ٩(●̮̃•)۶ jacked in to the ICE on, Thu 3 Jul 2014, 14:07, Reply)

I manage a hospital.
As you can imagine, I'm often subjected to inappropriate offers.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 3 Jul 2014, 14:05, 10 replies)

turd

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 3 Jul 2014, 13:50, Reply)

hospital managers are all whiny dick-aches

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 3 Jul 2014, 13:49, 11 replies)

I greased a lot of palms to post first.

( Pig Bodine., Thu 3 Jul 2014, 13:48, 7 replies)