Nigeria Immigration
Now I could say a lot about Nigerian corruption, although it is so endemic it is actually quite dull, the dash (bribe) is written into a lot of transactions and is pretty much just the cost of doing business. This is a recent tale (last month).

As someone who donates books to libraries (not part of an organisation or anything) I don't have much money so I don't bribe unless I have to - I tend to offer books instead. However, on my last trip I took the misses so whereas I am fine with taking risks by myself it's a bit different if I get a loved one arrested because of something stupid like "not signalling your intent to keep going straight at a junction" or whatever charge they want to dash me for.

So one day we were heading to a library in Badagry, just a few hours west of Lagos and approximately 60k from the border with Benin, and we started to pass through the road blocks. They tend to be several, stacked one after the other at 10 metre intervals; police, customs, immigration etc. We were waived through most of them, but were stopped by immigration (remember we were only 60 kilometers from the border!).

Keeping the boring bits to a minimum they wanted a dash as we hadn't had our passport stamped properly when we arrived - of course this could be corrected for a small dash, only problem was we weren't carrying our actual passports, only photocopies of the relevant pages (easier to get back from corrupt officials). All I had to do was leave the misses with the man at the checkpoint while I made a 6 hour round trip to Lagos to get our passports.

I tried persuasion, offering books, the name of my first born. Nothing worked. The argument got quite heated, he even flagged down an army truck just to prove to me how important he was that he could stop the army if he so desired.

In the end he gazes off into the distance sighed "it's thirsty work, all this immigrationing y'know, hint hint" (slightly paraphrased).

I couldn't believe we were going to be let off so easily. Beer is cheap (pennies) and readily available but I wouldn't wish Lagos traffic on my worst enemy.

So we turned around, found a beer seller and loaded up the boot and made our way back to the checkpoint. We got stuck in a little traffic jam but were soon moving, however the mass of cars around us must have made it more difficult to recognise our car as the official was scanning the distance for us as we drove right by him.

When we got home we cracked open those beers.

Penis length apology.
(MrTeapot hasn't played with himself since, Mon 7 Jul 2014, 21:34, 7 replies)

there's something strangely beautiful in the amount of effort you've put into what's presumably yet another incredibly dull tale of bribing petty officials

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 7 Jul 2014, 23:12, closed)

Sorry
I haven't bribed a shed before.
(MrTeapot hasn't played with himself since, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 8:27, closed)

I'd let you through my petty bureaucracy for a nice 12x8 pent-roofed potting shed

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 8:46, closed)

Oh, I only have this

(MrTeapot hasn't played with himself since, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 10:05, closed)

the chances of you catching your plane are vanishingly small

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 10:46, closed)

have you tried selling the books to libraries?
You might have a bit more money if you did.
(Roger McGough-Pipe, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 0:39, closed)

My old job, we all used to travel to Nigeria frequently.
I remember the never ending 'somting for da officer?' requests at the airport.

We found out that one of the guys had been shagging one of the women in our team when she got arrested in Lagos for something, and he immediately jumped on a plane to go and bail her out.

"Dave, what are you doing in Lagos?"

"Getting Claire out of jail"

"Why are you doing it? We have people there who can do that."

"We're engaged"

Oh. Congratulations.
(username failed moderation, Tue 8 Jul 2014, 11:48, closed)