Well...
I lost my hand in a tragic car accident. Luckily, I managed to get a transplant - a 15 year old girl had recently carked it, so they attached her thankfully still fresh hand to my stump.

It's great now - every time I have a wank, it's like someone half my age is doing it.
( CaptainCrackerjack live trout, slow motion, Sun 7 Dec 2008, 12:26, 2 replies)

i'm 39 and my darling wife is...
25.

does that count?


"you're only as old as the woman you feel"
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Sun 7 Dec 2008, 12:19, 2 replies)

Not much of a story...
...but I'm currently seeing a 20 year old Polish barmaid who's really really fit (and bright and lovely and friendly).

I'm 28.

You're probably not interested - I'm just showing off.
( HoratioFellatio Taking the the out of psychotherapist, Sun 7 Dec 2008, 11:05, 2 replies)

vidal shagsoon
it was my birthday a few weeks ago, and i had dinner/drinks with friends in the evening. so i spent lunchtime in the hairdressers, having the usual work look of "untamed frizz" turned into sleek shiny glossy goodness.

afterwards, i was back at my desk, and was on the phone. mid-telephone hearing, the obscenely hot 21 year old IT guy came in, clocked the hair, and said very loudly to my roommate, accompanied by appropriate thrusting gestures, "fuck me, she's SHAG-G-ABLE today!!"

did i mention he's 21? that's 10 years younger than me. i don't care that he's a bit of a metrosexual and that everyone thinks he's secretly gay, or that i was clearly shaggable for a one day window only...

a hot 21 year old said that. best. birthday. present. ever!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 7 Dec 2008, 10:38, 8 replies)

Jims Shanty,
I banged a 17 year old
She took it up the bum
She was a randy little cow
But not half as bad as her mum!

For when I went to meet her
She sat upon my face
And rode like it was the derby
I tells you it was ace!

Then she rode my todger
This lass of 51
She rode me to a shuddering climax
Which I emptied over her bum

But her daughter didnt like this
My stoking both her and her Ma
She took offense which manifested itself
When she tried to run me down in her car!
(Vic Flange, Sun 7 Dec 2008, 9:26, 5 replies)

Me lucky boy...
Whilst on holiday in weymouth some years ago with a friend and his family...
We were both 16 but his parents let us out on the piss as we were on holiday.
Ended up in a club and chatted up what turned out to be a 26 year old nurse!!! SCORE! I lied, telling her that I was 21 and at uni doing engineering, She even said "I don't usually go for younger men" before putting out... How little she knew!
(dampwookie failing to understand everything from birth up to, Sun 7 Dec 2008, 9:24, Reply)

Tenuous
I was 26, she was 45.

She offered to buy me a coffee in Starbucks (I know, I know, I'm a corporate whore), and who was I to refuse?

The 'barista' noticed some connection between the two of us, and started singing 'Love Is In The Air' and attempted to add some romance to proceedings.

One problem.

The woman was my mum, buying me a coffee before we went to see my little brother in a play at The Crucible.

Sick? I nearly chundered all over the biscotti.
(scentless_apprentice takes two bottles into the shower!, Sun 7 Dec 2008, 9:14, 1 reply)

A word of warning
When i first started shagging the ex mrs Welgar I was 24 and she was 28, and my flatmate. Thats another story the flatmate thing , but also not a huge age difference you may think. Neither did I , but as the small head was doing all the thinking at the time something was overlooked and i dont mean her starting to sag chest.

It can be summed up in two words Biological Clock. What i had failed to realise at the time was that she was trying to get pregnant.
She succeeded.

It was a couple of years ago that she admitted this to me in a round about sort of way. Yes I was just the young virile sperm donor she was seeking.

Still it could of been worse , it may have been twins. Any ideas on what i can get little Miss Welgar for christmas , she will be 7 in feb
(welgar, Sun 7 Dec 2008, 5:15, 3 replies)

Just another night out at a club...
He was in his 50's and I was 18 *cough* 17 *cough*. I was sat at the bar in the club. My mates had just been thrown out, but being a prick I wisely judged that I hadn't had enough to drink yet so stayed on. So there I was alone at the bar and a gentleman in his 50's approaches. A fine combination of: he was hot, I was fairly drunk, he had the same taste in music/films/alcofrol as I (though admittedly he wasnt volunteering much information rather just agreeing with me) prevented the instinct to make good my escape. Oh yes, he also said he found me rather attractive.

What started out as an innocent conversation soon turned to the purchasing of a drink, then flirting and before long I had entirely lost myself. He was slowly rubbing my neck, and whispering filth into my ear and I came to realise that I was abscent-mindedly pleasuring the stalk of my wine glass. I suddenly realised I was incredibly aroused.

With coitus now most certianly on the cards we hastily walked/ran back to his place. What followed was the finest fellatio I have ever recieved, and a truely mind-blowing horizontal no pants dance where every possible sensitive area was stimulated with amazing skill and affection. The sense of just surrendering and being pleasured so... thouroughly... was, to say the least, rather pleasant. It was the kind of sex that makes everything else you experience over the next few months seem like background noise as you can't stop thinking about *that night*.

I will never forget you Alan? Andy? Alfonso? nevermind. I have, as yet not recreated an encounter quite like that night in five freakin years. To be honest I doubt the chances that I ever will.

I'm not even gay anymore. Fucksocks.
( Uncle Phallus Strong like fly, fast like elephant, Sun 7 Dec 2008, 4:57, Reply)

So I'm a checkout monkey...
...in a well known DIY store, and to make the days bearable, myself and a number of other staff would spend the evenings getting trollied. This would be in 1988 and that would make me 18. We were very non-discriminatory, and all were welcome on the nights out. One of the better drinkers, and possibly the most fun on two legs was the middle aged, but well preserved Checkout Manageress. I loved Hendrix's music - she'd seen him play live.

One thing led to another, and suddenly we were consummating in her tiny car - a Fiat Uno, I believe. Work became fun - "I think I'll have fifth elephant to help with the cashing up" - this would be my queue to wheel the cash trolley into the secure room, escorted by her, lock the door, and spend a frenzied few minutes tallying up.

Things got complicated - there was a young, jealous, quarryman husband on the scene - I met him for the first time on his garden path - he was returning, I was leaving. "Who the FUCK are you..?" "Er, just dropping off a leaflet, mate"

He knew something was going on, and turned to violence. Unfortunately, without hard and fast evidence, he ended up pulping another colleague from the shop who was as innocent as a nun's chuff.

Then there was the time I introduced her to my schoolfriends (still in 6th form, see) - 'Twas in a nightclub and as I waved "hello" on seeing her enter, she walked straight up and belted me in the chops, in front of everyone, with the words "I hate the way you've made me feel about you" (Good song title, no?). She was a bit emotional, so I took her outside for some air and she threw her wedding ring into the River Avon. That was a surprise.

Still, mostly it was fun, fun, fun and when I left for Uni and ended it, all was amicable and neither of us had any regrets, only smiles, though as a tall fella, I didn't miss the back of the Uno much.

I believe I'm perhaps the only gentleman on the thread so far, because in 6 happy months, I never asked her age, though it was at least double mine.

(a few years later, she ended up marrying another assistant, some 2 years younger than me)
(Mousy Tongue ...Generally bemused by life..., Sun 7 Dec 2008, 3:19, 1 reply)

I have another story
My friends and I all seem to fall into this awful ability to do stupid things when we've had a little bit of the drink in us. One night we were out clubbing and having a great time, and our mate, Lee, starts pulling what looked to be a really hot girl in the smokey, dim light of the club.

It turned out to be a really hot girl and said hot girl took our teenage mate back to her flat for a night of, what was described to me as, a night of education that has stood him well for the rest of his life.

Our Lee is a bit of a womaniser, y'see and basically fucks anything that moves, so when he says it's good then you know it was good. However, he was strangely quiet about the next day.

It turns out he woke up the next day and walked through to the kitchen. He sat down at the table for breakfast that she'd made for him. It was at this point that her two kids came running in for breakfast with "her good friend that had stayed over the night because he couldn't get home".

She was 30.

He was 17.

The awkward silence of the breakfast table was only punctuated by the regular clockwork crunching of buttered toast. Now, not only has he pulled someone almost twice his age, but he also did it in a club a year underage. To what turned out to be, he found out when she was putting on her clothes after breakfast, a policewoman.
(John_Anon_Prince I have no heart and soul, Sun 7 Dec 2008, 1:22, 3 replies)

I've just been reminded of something
While covering at one of my boss's other pubs, I got chatting to an oldish Irish guy.

He kept buying me drinks, which, although it's unusual for someone to buy you more than one, it's not unheard of.

I just thought he was being nice.

Then he turned up at the pub I normally worked at.

Not just once, but a few times.

Now, I'm straight as a die, but even if I was of the other persuasion, I don't think I could ever shag someone who looks like this:

img247.imageshack.us/img247/7741/tedur8.jpg

It wasn't ACTUALLY him, but close enough for the catholic priest jokes to start...
(SarcasticBarSteward wants to be good at Photoshop when he grows up, Sun 7 Dec 2008, 1:20, 3 replies)

If you're going to fuck an older women, investigate first
(rp for teh comp)

Was drinking in some pub in Swansea and was dragged into the toilets by some older bird. She plonks me down on the toilet seat and she gets down on her knees. She gets me lad ready, then aptly PULLS HER TEETH OUT and starts sucking me off.

Don't drink there anymore.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Sun 7 Dec 2008, 1:15, 1 reply)

My friend
A friend of mine started going out with a seventeen year old while he was in his mid twenties. Thing was, he told her he was seventeen as well.
Then one day she was getting something from his wallet and noticed his ID. Oh dear
(cH3$h7846J#7, Sun 7 Dec 2008, 0:15, Reply)

Strange that this QOTW popped up this week...
...as it's one in a line of coincidences for Thursday

You might remember my last QOTW post - b3ta.com/questions/gooutwithme/post233039 - about my first love, the Czech girl 7 years older than me...

Well, on Thursday I finally got the guts up to call.

Number not recognised...

But that evening I went to the pub just round the corner from the one I work in and got chatting to a Czech girl. As soon as I heard her accent I continued the conversation in Czech, as her English wasn't up to much.

She asked me how I knew Czech, so I explained... Turns out she's from the same town as the girl I went out with. More questions were asked, and I discovered that she went to school with my ex's sister.

To cut a long story short, the girl from the pub called my ex's sister yesterday morning, and I had a text from my ex an hour later.

She's still single, no kids, and...

SHE'S BEEN TRYING TO FIND ME TOO!

Epic win!
(SarcasticBarSteward wants to be good at Photoshop when he grows up, Sat 6 Dec 2008, 23:51, 10 replies)

i haven't any,but i'm willing to give it a try if you're interested.
wealthy women preferred.
(Fuckpig "That's not even a pound a midget.", Sat 6 Dec 2008, 23:29, Reply)

Where do I begin?
 
(Later, Sat 6 Dec 2008, 22:59, 1 reply)

Accents.
There is an older gent who comes into the store where I work sometimes. I say older as I am 21 and he seems about late 50's, early 60's..
I would never normally have sexual feelings towards a guy that much older than me but he is very attractive and has such charm that it leaves me weak at the knees.

But the thing that attracts me to him the most is his strong, Scottish accent. Whenever I hear him talk my heart melts.

So I have decided that I wouldn't mind having a sugar daddie, he wouldn't have to be rich as is the usual case, just as long as he had a nice accent I'd be happy.
( Mellicious is made of candy, Sat 6 Dec 2008, 22:55, 5 replies)

small point
men that like significantly older women are not normal

we are biologically programmed to be attracted to younger women because they are more fertile ergo we might be able to further our lineage, male sperm does not seriously degrade till the mid 40's. egg quality nosedives beyond 30

all of the cosmetic industry is built on faux youth (full red lips, flushed cheeks and big sparkly eyes = youth, health, fertility) hair (blonde = youth) contraption bra (full firm and perky = youth) this stuff aimed is at women to achieve this end and largely it works on men - we claim not to understand why it takes you 90 mins to get ready then we get a fucking fright in the morning. Recent studies show the massive rise cosmetic surgery might actually affect natural selection - we are being fooled into selecting lesser quality genes cos they look, well ok

all of the multibillion pound global cosmetic industries are built on this fact

therefor me thinking that hermione one from those god awful potter films is 'coming along nicely' is PERFECTLY FUCKING NORMAL

*checks cellar cam No 7*
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Sat 6 Dec 2008, 22:38, 12 replies)

This was an embarassing comment
I was at bar with my flatmate, Joe, one night and we were having a rollicking time, having started drinking at 3pm and still going strong at 1am. His girlfriend was with us and her flatmate too. When they leave just Joe and I together, he comes up to me and says, "Whatever you do, don't pull her flatmate. I've got a bet for lunch that you wouldn't do this. Don't pull her! Just don't pull her whatever you do".

Obviously, I wouldn't be the friend I was if I didn't pull her right away and make him lose his bet. The embarassing line was that she'd been talking all day about how she hated younger guys and was looking for an older man in her life now that she's hitting 24. I was 20. Obviously, I wasn't about to disclose my age to her till I'd sealed the deal so to speak. She obviously thought I was older than her but I couldn't strictly lie either in case she found out my actual age.

I wrapped my arm round her waist, bent in to kiss her and said in what I hoped was with a semblance of James Bond suaveness, "Girl, it's not the age that matters; it's the experience".
(John_Anon_Prince I have no heart and soul, Sat 6 Dec 2008, 22:32, 1 reply)

erm
Hmm...aged 18 I had a long relationship with a 34 year old (the whole oedipal saga will probably do well in some future QOTW). But that isn't why I am writing.

Recently, whilst on a 13 month epic good time of a world tour, I seemed to get hit on exclusively by incredibly attractive 23 year olds. At the age of 31 (and being a female)..it made me feel rather smashing. Oft, I would raise a glass whilst enjoying a quick drink in their company, to the toast of "Here's to you..Mrs Robinson". Funny that quite a few are still in contact with me, and wish I was no longer single. Older women rock, until their tits sag too far, i wager....*sighs*
(Carmen Dyslexia, Sat 6 Dec 2008, 22:05, 2 replies)

My entire dating/shagging history
could be fodder for this question. I have never, ever pulled a bloke who was less than 10 years my senior. I almost got married at 20 to a guy who was 37. It's always absolutely horrified my dad, unsurprisingly.

I did have a horrifying moment of my own the other week. I was on a training course far, far away, and there was a 20-year-old also on the course. He asked me point blank if I'd like to have a go (classy AND professional! Wehey!) and I couldn't even consider it. He was the same age - was born on the same day, in fact - as two of my nephews. Now I'm somewhat on the other side of the age divide (I'm 28) it just horrifies me. Not sure why.
(BlackArmadillo Avoided writing that article on, Sat 6 Dec 2008, 21:00, Reply)

Pretty easy one this...
I'm 30, my girlfriend is 19.

Sometimes the immaturity can cause a bit of a problem - thankfully, she's quite forgiving of it.
( laminasni isn't., Sat 6 Dec 2008, 19:28, 1 reply)

Shudder...
Back in the mists of time, when I was a callow student, wet behind the ears, I ended up going through the worst sexual experience of my life so far.

I'd gone out with a load of mates; I think it was someone's birthday or something. We went to a restaurant in town where I drank a bottle of wine in double-quick time, and declined any food. This was probably a good thing, as shortly after drinking the wine, I farted and filled my pants with sludgy shit.

I took myself to the toilets and cleaned myself up as best I could; I probably should have thrown my pants away, but I just wiped them off and pulled them back up. I can even remember the pattern - dark blue paisley. Well, on the outside at least. On the inside, they were kind of orangey brown.

After this incident, I went back outside to the restaurant and carried on blithely drinking, although I was a bit more careful about farting now. We've all done that thing where you clench your anus tight shut and gently let a bit of fart out to make sure that it's not 'hard gas'; I'd learnt my lesson at this point and thought that shitting myself twice in one evening would just be unacceptable.

Someone decided we'd go clubbing. This sounded like an excellent idea to me - despite having pants full of diarrhoea and a liverful of alcohol, I was in the mood for a fuck and more spirits. No one had noticed that I'd pappered my trolleys (and to the best of my knowledge, no one knew up until I admitted it in this post), so I was good to go.

We got to the club and proceeded to look around for booty and drink more alcohol. I went to the bar to get some boozes, and in my addled state, thought that a good method of pulling would be to start rubbing my winklepiece against the lady who was stood in front of me in the queue. Luckily - or perhaps not - the lady in question didn't immediately punch me in the face, but reciprocated by rubbing her arse into my groin.

When she turned around and winked at me, I immediately noticed why she hadn't minded. She had a face like the proverbial bag of spanners; a short mop of ginger hair framed a face that could charitably be described as 'homely'. We got our drinks and moved away from the bar, where we started necking away like a couple of horny teenagers - which in fairness to me, I was. She, however, was 38.

After coming up for air, we decided to continue things back at my house. Unbeknown to me, most of my mates had come back to our house and were sat smoking in the front room when we got in. I shepherded my 'prize catch' upstairs before my mates could see her too much - I did hear some laughter as I went though.

Once we got in my room, I had to disrobe quickly and throw my stained pants into a corner so that she didn't notice the crap in them - although to be honest, she probably wouldn't have minded that much. She took her clothes off, and I was put in mind of a slightly underset blancmange - and to top it off, she had a shaven twat and an enormous scar on her pubic mound.

Due to the amount I'd drunk, I was finding it a bit difficult to get it up; however, I was a gentleman and started lapping away at her flaps like a dog at hot soup. She seemed to enjoy it; I was starting to feel a bit nauseated by a combination of the drink I'd consumed and the fact that I was eye-to-eye with the scar on her minge.

We stopped soon after; I'm not sure whether she actually came or not, but she seemed to have a good time. We lay there and chatted a bit; I found out that she was a bouncer and that she had a husband and a daughter my age. Lovely. This is also when I found out that she was 38 years old - exactly twice as old as I was.

We decided to leave it there. There was no future in our relationship - there was the age difference, her husband, and the fact that I was becoming more and more revolted by her as I sobered up. She got dressed and went downstairs as I put on my dressing gown and followed.

We called for a taxi from the front room, where all my smirking friends still sat. She dished out fags to them all, which seemed to please them, and then informed everyone that I'd 'got what I wanted'. Her taxi arrived soon after, and she fucked off into the night, never to be seen again. Thankfully.

Obviously, my mates - quite rightly - took the piss out of me forever after, and I sometimes shudder as I think of what I did. Mind you, I might have pulled a troll, but she pulled a drunken idiot who'd previously sharted and then rubbed his cock against her fat arse at the bar. I'm not sure anyone comes out of this story well.

She's still the oldest woman I've ever fucked. I wouldn't say never again, but I'm hopefully never going to shit myself and pull a fat, ugly female bouncer with a scarred fanny again.
( CaptainCrackerjack live trout, slow motion, Sat 6 Dec 2008, 19:27, 4 replies)

I hope no one I know reads this
I'm 20, the bloke is 30. He lives with a woman he refers to as his girlfriend, but apparently they have an "arrangement". I look young for my age I'm told, so being out in public does feel a bit awkward, don't tend to go out much when I see him though, if you get my drift.

He went to university in the same city I'm at university in now, but 10 years before. It's always a laugh when he talks about being at uni in the late 90s, when I remind him that I was in primary school at the time.

This is all quite out of character for me really, although another guy I dated briefly is 26. I don't see why I shouldn't though. It's all good fun. Oh, and my other 'friend with benefits', who is 2 months younger than me, is definitely more mature than the 30 year old guy.
( lrjlo, Sat 6 Dec 2008, 18:39, Reply)

right then
For once I don’t really have much to say for myself, Mrs. spimf is 3 years older than me so no biggie really.

So if I may, allow me to not so much veer wildly off topic but to offer a follow up to a couple of recent QOTW posts.

For those of you that can be bothered trawling through my inane drivel, and no one would blame you for passing on that - here's the post about how we met (however if you cant be arsed you only really need to read the second last line)...

www.b3ta.com/questions/gooutwithme/post231921

There's also a slightly less jolly post here, that many b3tards have been very kind and supportive about (bear with me there is a point to all this).

www.b3ta.com/questions/familycodes/post309735

So some of you know I’m veh veh excited about going home for Christmas (been in Dubai for nearly 5 months now) and then bringing team spimf back out to the dustbowl (where it has been pissing down most of the week).

Well uncle spimfy has been Christmas shopping!

Today, I have been to a very reputable diamond dealer and have purchased 3 very near perfect half-carat brilliant cut diamonds with the full Antwerp IGI diamond report – oh I know my rocks!

I am having them set into a platinum eternity ring of my own design (get me!) one stone to represent when we met, one for our little boy and one to mark this new chapter we are embarking upon (see traditions post if your lost here).

Now lets be clear here, I’m not a cheap man but I can haggle like a MUTHERFUCKER! I watched one couple walk in, pay the ticket price and walk out happy. Complete Muppets. I went armed with the knowledge my mate got around 25% off an engagement ring there recently so I knew I could knock them down a bit more (stones from a wholesaler here are assaying up to twice the price back home). The things is the mark up on diamonds is huge so if you know what your doing you can make a real killing over here. I even haggled in an exceptionally posh jewellers back home for the engagement ring a few years back, but your doing well to get more than 12% off in the UK.

So considering I managed to batter a whopping 45% off the ticket price - it would have seemed churlish not to get the 1.4 carat sapphire and diamond earrings I was eyeing up too.

a very happy spimf today

*smarms*
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Sat 6 Dec 2008, 18:21, 6 replies)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.

Like a Cod's mouth.
(sorry., Sat 6 Dec 2008, 18:04, Reply)

I win.
I'm 42, my girlfriend's 23 and we've been together 5 years.
(fuckitall out of here, Sat 6 Dec 2008, 17:51, 2 replies)

Freddie Starr ate my boyfriend
My significant other told me of the time in his early 20's, when he had split up from his then girlfriend and had nowhere to live, so he moved in with his dad in London. He toddled off to the pub one Saturday, having no friends in the area and not much to do. After copious amount of lager, he couldn't remember his way back to the house, so enlisted the support of some old slapper in the pub, who was a dead ringer for Freddie Starr. She invited him back to her house, engaging in some drunken tongue-wrestling on the way back. Upon arrival at Chez Slapper, he discovered that her husband was there, so declined any further hospitality, and negotiated his way home under her directions.

A few days later, his dad tells him that he's employed a cleaner. Much to his horror, 'Freddie' turns up, and he spent a good period of time avoiding bumping into her, in case she wanted to give his nooks and crannies the once over with her feather duster.
(Pushka, Sat 6 Dec 2008, 17:14, Reply)

I'm about 5 and a half years older than the current Mr Quar
and we married a couple of years ago.

Not to be outdone, the former Mr Quar soon afterwards married someone 34 years younger than he was, and was promptly remanded in custody.

THAT put me in my place.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Sat 6 Dec 2008, 17:12, Reply)